Round 2 South
#1 John Adams vs. #4 Michael Curtis: Curtis unexpectedly takes a huge lead into the 2nd half but with 8 minutes remaining play is interrupted when Mike Mornard rushes the court naked, the nipples of his pendulous man-breasts erect and terrifying. He’s got GoldenPalace.com written in sharpie across his back and a pennant advertising his new promotional website flutters defiantly from its secure enlodgement ‘tween his buttcheeks. HomeSec snipers deployed to the rafters bring him down with stumm loads and play resumes. Adams, invigorated by what is clearly an act of God to dissipate Curtis’ momentum, rallies to close and sinks a buzzerbeater for the win. A heavenly tabernacle sings in celebration.
#3 Joethelawyer vs. #2 Greyhawk Grognard: Joethelawyer opens strong and a bit saucy too: he blows kisses to Zak & Mandy in the stands and fans himself comically with a zine after each dunk. The crowd is stunned, is the Grognard all bluster? Nope, just playing a little rope-a-dope. The deception is revealed emphatically when Joethelawyer goes up for what appears to be an uncontested layup and Saint Cuthbert materializes above the rim and disrupts the ball utterly with a strike from his mace. Joethelawyer aghast looks to his patron, Zak pretends not to notice for a moment, fixes him with a slow smirk and extends his arm dramatically, then uncoils a wickedly leisured Imperial thumbs down. Joethelawyer instantaneously flashforms into a pillar of volcanic rock to which Mandy blows an exaggerated kiss, and the pillar explodes into ash. Game fucking over and Greyhawk Grognard still hasn’t even roused the Asgardians yet.
Round 2 East
#1 Zak Sabbath vs. #4 Christian Walker: Christian drops in and is immediately barreled by Mandy in her wheelchair. Zak laughs from the sideline and Christian’s corpse is spatula-ed from the court, can anything stop Zak?!?!?
#3 Kent vs. #2 Tenkar: Like an endless tide of World War Z zombies, Kent’s sock puppet legions wash over and submerge Tenkar. Nothing remains not even a stupid poll, “Do you use alignment languages?” query that’s been asked a thousand times, or handjob review of a buddy’s illiterate OSR module. Kent preens and advances.
Round 2 West
#1 Grognardia vs. #5 Gorgonmilk: The touts have Grognardia as an overwhelming favorite but they forgot one thing: Gorgonmilk has been waiting for this matchup for over a year and he has a secret weapon. Grognardia approaches confidently and the trap is sprung, as Gorgonmilk averts his gaze and flourishes a copy of the Petty Gods .pdf. Grognardia is horrified, forced to confront the very bed he shit in. Maliziewski does what he always does when challenged: he runs for cover, hiding as far away as he can manage. Gorgonmilk wins!
#3 Poag vs. #7 Greg Christopher: Nobody else hates Christopher and his shitty games? Just me? Fine, whatever, Poag summons a cohort of goblin baby rapers to do their thing and destroys utterly Christopher’s orifices.
Round 2 Midwest
#1 James Raggi IV vs. #4 Bruce Heard: When it comes down to it, Raggi’s game is soft: talking about the boner you get watching A Serbian Film only gets you so far these days, like through middle school maybe. There’s no there there. Bruce Heard laughs in the face of cancer women. He has no pity, he asks for no quarter nor does he grant it. He is the guardian of Mystara. Heard wins comfortably.
#6 RPG Pundit vs. #2 Robert Kuntz: You’d think a pipe smoker would be accustomed to gross smells, but Kuntz’s potent waft is a nightmare agglomeration of the most heinous odors: sodden kitty litter, unwashed ponytail, failed dream flop sweat. Pundit is melted into oblivion as if he’d looked directly at the Ark, Kuntz guffaws and high fives his special adviser Terry Goodkind.
Round 1 South:
#1 John Adams vs. #8 Jeff Rients: This one is closer than it looks. Adams of course combines shortbus stupid with insincere, and then ladles on a helping of entitlement because being tight with the Big Guy in the Sky means everything is forgiven as long as you profess good intentions. But Rients is the guy who shit the bed he jumped into with Raggi AND he’s a random table spammer. In the end though, you gotta hand it to the guy who has filled Facebook, Kickstarter, his blog and multiple forums with post office conspiracy theories and tales of unimaginable personal woe. Adams wins comfortably.
#5 Joesky vs. #4 Michael Curtis: Phoney baloney tard blogger had a stay fresh date of about 3 posts. Michael Curtis however pulled off the gutsiest scam this side of the fake sign language dude at Mandela’s funeral: to set out the tin cup while gainfully employed in multiple jobs was bold, to up the ante by threatening his most generous donors unless they forked over even more was absolutely bonkers. This one’s a blowout for Curtis.
#6 Dungeon Dozen vs. #3 Joethelawyer: Spamdom tables vs. the guy who wipes up Zak’s spooge and then wrings the sponge out into his own mouth. Hate the tables but Joethelawyer takes this one in a romp.
#7 Chronicles of Ganth vs. #2 Greyhawk Grognard: The Ganth guy is fucking annoying and retarded and maybe like 12-years-old, which is all mostly harmless. Greyhawk Grognard got jobbed, he should be a one-seed. Monster rout, Hawknard celebrates with a mead enema.
Round 1 East:
#1 Zak Smith vs. #8 Dyson Logos: This is such a mismatch Zak sends Satine in his place, Dyson is whelmed ‘neath a thundering flurry of pneumatic dildo thrusts.
#5 Elfmaids & Octopi vs. #4 Christian Walker: E & O used SHITLOADS OF STUPID FUCKING TABLES // CHRISTIAN used ENDLESS GODDAMN ZINES // E & O fainted! // CHRISTIAN wins!
#6 Nine & Thirty Kingdoms vs. #3 Kent: The coat-over-black-turtleneck look is a tough one to beat, but when the going gets tough Kent starts talking about Columbo, which is enough to slay any mortal man. Kent wins.
#7 tenfootpole vs. Tenkar: tenfootpole guy is American University and Tenkar is Michigan State, Tenkar wins.
Round 1 West:
#1 Grognardia vs. #8 Metal Earth: The spread here was Grognardia -62, Grognardia covers.
#5 Gorgonmilk vs. #4 Gothridge Manor: Fuck you Gothridge Manor and fuck your gay wife too, but Gorgonmilk slithers to a win in a minor upset.
#6 Venger Satanis vs. #3 Stef Poag: I find it hard not to like Venge – he’s stupid and he knows it and he doesn’t give a fuck. Stef got a three-seed on rep alone, his output for a year now has been wack and he’s either taking chill pills or his wife or someone slapped a restrictor plate on him. Stef pulls this one out with a buzzer beater, but his future does not look bright.
#7 Greg Christopher vs. #2 Huge Ruined Scott: Scott’s a complete fucking faggot and I don’t for a minute believe half the shit he offhandedly drops to sound cool, like that he’s an MMA fighter or that he hangs out at prisons, or that he has a tattoo of a penis on his vagina. So fuck him. Greg Christopher though, that guy fucking ENTERTAINS me. Originally it was just the terrible RPG shit and sharing links to computer game soundtracks because that’s his idea of great music, but last year he went dark for awhile and came back with a sadsack tale about his wife cheating on him and now he’s getting divorced, blah blah blah. And he played victim for a bit but it never really rang true, which is when the truth came out that he had ballooned during his marriage to 350+ pounds and was playing computer games 18 fucking hours a day and MAYBE SHE HAD A LEGIT REASON TO STRAY?!?!? So anyway, Fatass smooshes Huge Ruined Bullshitter and advances.
Round 1 Midwest:
#1 James Raggi vs. #8 Planet Algol: In an amazing upset… – haha just fucking with you, Raggi ate him.
#5 Battic vs. #4 Bruce Heard: Tie? No? Fucking Heard wins for terrorizing Aussie slash fic marms with threats of litigation.
#6 RPG Pundit vs. #3 Tim Brannan: I check Pundit’s blog infrequently, but every time it’s either a commercial for his shitty games or he’s spamming Cracked.com clickbait. On G+ he’s somehow aligned himself with Raggi and Zak, presumably in hopes some of their commercial success rubs off. Brannan pleaded to be the new Pope of the OSR and the OSR responded, “No.” Pundit wins, ZaggiStank is potent stuff…
#7 James Smith vs. #2 Robert Kuntz: Kuntz is fucking abysmal, he wins.
THANK YOU ARNESON’S MANBOOB!!!
March Madness is here! Sure you could pay your $20 and fill out some dumb fucking bracket with the rest of the assholes in your office, and Lisa from Accounting who’s a total goddamn retard will end up winning the pot because Syracuse and Louisville buttfucked your entire bracket. Or you could pay nothing to play along with the original OSR-disapproved version of March Madness. I know what I’m doing!
HOW TO PLAY: Brackets are posted below. It was a struggle to find even 32 blogs worth mentioning, so you can forget 64 and play-in games. Look over the match ups and comment on all of them, or any you feel strongly about: who is the biggest fucking twat, most despicable, etc. Share some of your favorite memories. In a couple days I’ll tally responses, put them through my OSR Slap Fight Simulator, and report results. We’ll whittle our way down until we can crown an overall loser. Start your fucking engines!
LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!
I love these things that Tenkar and Zak and Rients (RIP) do because they are so insightful and fun and they really create a sense of community. Please answer these questions on your blog or G+ and share with fellow OSR volk. [my answers in brackets]
10 OSR Questions We Should All Know About Everyone
- What is your favorite belt pouch, large or small? [large, duh]
- Do you own any real medieval weapons or armor? (By “real” I mean “fake.”) [no]
- Other than CHA, STR, WIS, DEX or CON what is your lowest stat if you were a D&D character? [they are all 18 :)]
- Have you ever published a zine or taken a shit on one? [yes]
- Are you a member of a fantasy religion? (Jedi, Odin, Christian, etc.) [no]
- Which are you more comfortable with in your campaign, the kind of racism that equates orcs with niggers or the kind of homophobia that treats Girdles of Opposite Gender as an opportunity to taunt players for being fags? [norkers]
- Does a female breast feel more like kind of a bag of sand, or maybe like warm bread dough? [bag of sand]
- What is “hygiene?” [???]
- What was the first piece of D&D art you ever beat off to? [the nereid in tamoachan probably but maybe morgan ironwolf bacause dem tittiez]
- For putting up your butt, are any dice okay or only Zocchis? [any dice are fine, protip: save the d4 for last to avoid serious problems]
Monte Cook took your money but he doesn’t want you fucking sub-humans talking to him with your goddamn bullshit
Monte Cook took a breather from counting the loot from his second Kickstarter, just a few moments he used to take a big, runny dump all over the people who gave him more than $400,000:
You understand that, you little shits? Giving Monte Cook your money, supporting his company, artistic aspirations, and lifestyle, DOES NOT entitle you, in any way and regardless of your intentions, to address him. He absolutely DOES NOT want to hear any of your bullshit. In fact, Monte does not think of you even as human: you are simply a semi-sentient wallet, and he desires of you just enough cognitive capacity to empty your contents into his Bag of Infinite Money-Holding. That task accomplished, your duty is done and you must now seep back into whatever whore’s ass you were shat from.
On the other hand, any fucker dumb enough to pay Monte Cook for his retarded writing should be regarded as sub-human, and probably culled from the herd in as humane a manner as expediency allows.
I can’t resist, here’s some unsolicited advice for you Cunte: if you don’t want to hear from assholes during the development process don’t invite them in as investors, you arrogant ungrateful fucking cunt. Just make something and sell it, like a normal motherfucking product. Then you don’t have to have a comments section, or updates, or any other forum where these hooting, braying, short-bus populating WalletThings could dare interrupt your divine peace of mind. Just like your bullshit blog, twat.
Recovering Retard has done it again, applying his superheroic talents to everyone’s favorite novelist Alexis D. Smolensk, author of best-selling novel Pete’s Garage. Daaaaaamn I just wanna get in there and motorboat on those juggaloes! I’m wondering about them nipperoos — Alexis got himself some big ol’ 70′s Playboy puffies, a couple saucy red pepperoni slices, or maybe they teeny tiny little Tinkerbell nubbins? That sticky load he’s rubbing in tells me he’s got something special in there… could they be hex-shaped?!?!?
Arselexis is going on vacation — come back soon, literary genius behind the novel Pete’s Garage! Did Recovering Retard nail this one? I think its a direct hit, but you be the judge:
If you gave Michael Curtis only $100, Michael Curtis is giving you one final warning to give him more money or fuck you, you lose
That’s what I got from this post, which is essentially a ransom note but instead of just one victim he’s managed to catfish three suckers who now need to up the ante if they want any hope of seeing closure:
The last thing Mike wants is more money. I mean, ignore the fact that he begged for money (and this ain’t his first rodeo), extended the deadline for you to give him money, decided to keep more money than he needed, is breathlessly updating his money begging to make sure you know you can still give him more money, is telling the three suckers who gave him the most money to give him even more… but this is NOT encouragement to donate more, if that’s what you think this is you must be crazy or something.