Hey guys, sorry for the long wait between posts. I’m glad I took a little time off though because recent hubbubs have really made me start to think about building bridges instead of walls. There’s a lot going back and forth right now between OSR people and storygamers (so far the legitimate cosplayers and LARPers have stayed on the sidelines).
I’m an OSR guy but I’ve been lurking Tumblr for a couple days now to get a sense of how the other side thinks. And guess what, guys? They’re not so different from you and me. They like to use their imaginations to play games, just like we do.
So how about we start building some bridges right here? I’m going to start a play-by-post OSR game here on the ol’ blog and everyone’s invited! This is a chance for the OSR people to meet some story gamers, and for the story gamers to see we’re not all a bunch of jerks like Zak S. or Pundit or Scott Driver. Or Varg.
I want to give everyone a chance to tell THEIR STORY within this game, so there will be many chargen options available. Let’s start simple: if you are interested in playing, please browse the following tables and reply with your character race, class, gender identity, ableism context and religion. Thank you and I look forward to a real opportunity to meet new people, build bridges and HAVE SOME FUN!
- Candy Corn Teifling
- Magic User
- Rune Warlock
Gender identity options:
- Queer [specify subspecies in brackets for +5% EXP bonus]
- Tinglesexual (added, thank you Bigby’s Fist)
(Let me know if I missed anything, I’m still new to this!)
- Differently able [specify mutation in brackets, e.g. wheelchair, hearing/sight disinvolved, third nipple, acid blood, Mongoloid-abled, Libertarian, etc.]
(I’m only allowing 3 religions because I’m creating custom lists of cleric spells and I just don’t have time to make separate lists for Christians, Jewishers, Muslims, Aum Shinrikyo, etc.)
Or are we just presuming he’s dead? I scanned 2 months of comments and I’m not sure, but I organized a determined mission to find bloodymage: not only did I look in nearly 3-4 church parking lots on Google Street View searching for signs of habitation, I also Googled his name and went through almost the entire first page of results above the fold. No fucking luck.
So he’s probably dead? There’s no need to review bm’s legacy here and we’re in the trust tree so I think we can speak honestly about him: bloodymage was an utter fumbledick, a category 4 moron who made the planet functionally stupider. And yet…
God damn was this man lovable when viewed from afar! “There but by the grace of God go I” is powerful entertainment, and I know that if my Mom had sniffed more paint while I was in the womb, that could be me thanking email@example.com for his kind words about my blog. Or lamenting the lack of checkered tablecloth availability in Prescott, AZ. Or traveling 2000 miles and accidentally showing up 2 weeks early to a con. Or… you get the picture.
So, I’m not here to bury bm. I’m here to praise him. bm is the petty god of retarded aging neckbeards (please stat him up in comments for D&D, WFRP, Rune Quest, and Twilight: 2000), and could there ever be a divinity more appropriate or necessary to this hobby? I urge everyone, in memory of bloodymage: find room for a “Golanda” in your campaigns. It doesn’t have to stink, it could be just Golanda the Bar Wench, or the Free City of Golanda tucked into that corner of the map your players will probably never go, or Golanda the evil wizardress who died a thousand years ago, or whatever. Take that little bit of Golanda that lives in all our hearts and make it an official part of your campaigns, and celebrate the fucking idiots we love and laugh at that make this hobby special, in the Life Goes On sense. And if your Golanda is stinky, well that’s just gravy…
New Year’s Resolutions:
I want to do a F.A.T.A.L. play by post, probably taking the party through Dark Albion in search of big titties or a rape tournament or something…
More crying about men’s rights, I feel like everyone forgets Grim Jim even exists.
Publish my CARCOSA reskin, where Sorcerers are the Federal Government, Black Men are slaves and they like it that way, and maybe dial back the raping little kids 25-50%.
FIND GREG CHRISTOPHER! (I promised myself not to post here until he went live again on G+, but it’s just been too long…)
Hang out with Scott when he’s on one of his meth benders.
Also, I think we all need to be reminded that this exists:
Dreams of Ruin is available in print, which I will never get because I’m a cheapass. But you can also get the pdf free and it’s worth a look. I read the version that was released during the Kickstarter and this appears to be a much-polished version of that. I can’t say I would remotely enjoy a campaign in this world, but this is an interesting look at someone taking a campaign idea and a world and thinking them if not all the way through, then at least exploring them within the context of D&D rules with a seriousness and to a depth that is extremely rare. Plus it’s domain-level, which you also almost never see and maybe the dude that wrote this found a way to make that shit tolerable. It’s gotta be better than rolling on some random table and finding out you’ve got a -1 to your realm’s happiness this month.
Warning: The author has an Exalted background and it shows a bit in the concept, the art is horrendous and there’s a rape pic mixed in there, so don’t get triggered.
This inveterate little pissgurgler needs no introduction. He barely finds time to post about D&D now he’s so freaked out about Mooslums, but his latest post is a little curious considering his past (current status?) as a deadbeat dad:
“The current Catholic Church is stupid and evil, why don’t they encourage all families to shit out 8+ children???”
Flashback to a year ago:
“HELP US!” *rattles tin cup* “Our Catholic family has too many kids and no money to support them, please send money for manservants and quad stroller GOD BLESS!” *smiles and poops pants*
Gotta admit, this Opus Dei crowd has chutzpah. As shitty as trotting out “bastardy” was, JaMal had the common sense and empathy to remove himself from public forums when he got called out. This dopey fucker sticks to his guns like pubic hair sticks to soap. I pray to Jesus and Little Baby Jesus that Oakes & Julie make the switch to buttfucking, cumming on her tits obviously isn’t working and they’re gonna need a bigger stroller and a better Go Fund Me.
Wow guys, long vacation but I’m back now and ready to dig into some D&D 5E, which is a really thrilling and exciting version of everyone’s favorite roleplaying game! The list of errata for the Player’s Handbook has just been released, I’m here to save you time with a concise review of the changes made. Here we go and hope you are enjoying the AWESOME D&D 5E experience!
Dwarven Combat Training (p. 20). Dwarves are proficient with the light hammer, not the throwing hammer.
Drow Magic (p. 24). Here “once per day” means you must finish a long rest to cast the spell again with the trait.
Infernal Legacy (p. 43). Here “once per day” means you must finish a long rest to cast the spell again with the trait.
Half-Orc Heritage (p. 47). From now on, Half-Orcs will no longer be referred to as, “basically Black people for the Forgotten Realms, with all positive social characteristics replaced by a ticking rage-bomb timer.” Just, you know, use your imagination with that part.
Holocaust Denial (p. 48). This is now an official Elven racial prerequisite.
Juggalos (p. 49). Juggalo characters must begin play declared For the Dark Carnival.
Character Creation (p. 50). All players who wish to play a Bard character must smoke e-cigs. It’s a rule now.
Song of Convincing Minors to Partake (p. 52). Requires save vs. observe or 1d6 x 1000 g.p. bribe per each adult in range to avoid law enforcement response.
Song of Rest (p. 54). A creature regains the extra hit points only if it spends one or more Hit Dice at the end of the short rest.
Song of the South (p. 61). Additional effect: Protection from Half Orcs 100′ Radius.
Feinting Attack (p. 74). The advantage is lost if not used on the turn you gain it.
Feinting Interesting Character Concept (p. 79). This attribute is not supported by D&D 5E.
Deflect Missiles (p. 78). The range of the monk’s ranged attack is 20/60 feet.
Eternal Mountain Defense (p. 81). A monk must be 17th level, not 11th, to learn this discipline.
Race Other than Entitled White Man with Zero Authenticity to Source Material (p. 81). This attribute is not supported by D&D 5E.
Water Whip (p. 81). This discipline requires an action, not a bonus action. Also, why not just use a normal whip?!?
Divine Smite (p. 85). You can expend any spell slot, not just a paladin spell slot.
Divine Smite of Anal Rape (p. 85). Can only be used following successful Sneak Attack or Attack from rear, or at Boys-Only Sleepover Church Camp.
Polyhedral Annihilation (p. 89). Platonic solids are no longer supported for Paladins in D&D 5E. Rolling a d4 will cause system reboot, rolling a d20 will cause total protonic reversal.
Ranger’s Companion (p. 93). If you are incapacitated or absent, your beast companion acts on its own, focusing on protecting you and itself. It never requires your command to use its reaction, such as when making an opportunity attack.
Bestial Fury (p. 93). When you command the beast to take the Attack action, the beast can attack twice or take the Multiattack action if it has that action.
Bestiality (p. 93). This is an at-will power usable only with Ranger’s Companion, or at a furry convention with informed consent and safe word(s).
Sausage Fest (p. 94). The Ranger class is open to characters of both genders, however female characters who wish to be a Ranger must have a penis.
Flexible Casting (p. 101). The created spell slots vanish at the end of a long rest.
Twinned Spell (p. 102). This just sounds fucking stupid so we’re getting rid of it. Thanks for another dumb idea, Zak.
Elemental Affinity (p. 102). The damage bonus applies to one damage roll of a spell, not multiple rolls.
Venger Satanis Picture (p. 102) God he would get such a boner if we did that here LOL!
Wild Magic Surge (p. 103). If a Wild Magic effect is a spell, it’s too wild to be affected by Metamagic. If it normally requires concentration, it doesn’t require concentration in this case; the spell lasts for its full duration.
WHY??? (p. 104). What is the point again of this class? So we can be more like World of Warcraft?
Oath of Transphobia (p. 105). Jesus fuck, how did this even make it through focus groups? Okay Tumblr, we hear you, it’s gone…
Quick Build (p. 106). Ray of Sickness should be Charm Person.
Quick Build (p. 106). Charm Person should be Aura of Date Rape Prowess.
Pact of the Chain (p. 107). When you let your familiar attack, it does so with its reaction.
Pact of the Tome (p. 108). Any cantrip you cast with this feature is considered a warlock cantrip for you.
Eldritch Invocations (p. 110). A level prerequisite in an invocation refers to warlock level, not character level.
Book of Ancient Secrets (p. 110). The rituals needn’t be from the same spell list.
There Can Be Only Gandalf (p. 113). If you are using miniatures, D&D 5E only supports using the little Grenadier Gandalf guy from 1980 as your figure. Future supplements will allow use of the bald Illusionist chick.
Your Spellbook (p. 114). The spells copied into a spellbook must be of a spell level the wizard can prepare.
Spellbook (p. 114). A spellbook doesn’t contain cantrips.
Empowered Evocation (p. 117). The damage bonus applies to one damage roll of a spell, not multiple rolls.
Overchannel (p. 118). The feature doesn’t benefit cantrips.
Ammunition (p. 146). Loading a one-handed weapon requires a free hand.
Bag of Morons (p. 146). Can fit no more than four (4) human-sized morons haha!
Belt Pouches (p. 146). Placing a Large Belt Pouch into a Small Belt Pouch creates a tear in the fabric of the universe that expands to instantly destroy the campaign world.
Jennell Jaquays (p. 147). Is not a dude anymore, you believe that shit?!?!?
Lovely, Lovely Estrogen (p. 147). (Inside joke!)
Pickle (p. 147). Also available in sweet.
Reach (p. 147). This property also determines your reach for opportunity attacks with a reach weapon.
Reach-Around (p. 147). Yes, please.
Special Sauces (p. 147). Ranch, Buffalo Ranch, BBQ, Honey Mustard, Sweet Teriyaki, and Asiago Parmesan.
Two-Handed (p. 147). This property is relevant only when you attack with the weapon, not when you simply hold it.
Weapons (p. 149). Unarmed strike doesn’t belong on the Weapons table.
Class Features (p. 164). You gain the starting equipment of your first class only.
From Now On (p. 165). You know what, multiclassing has always attracted the stupidest fucking players with the gayest-ass bullshit characters and nobody really wants these fucking dipshits around anymore, so we’re canceling multiclassing. Don’t even ask about it anymore.
From Now On II (p. 167). Speaking of horseshit for dipshits – adios, feats! Use your goddamn brain to navigate the world of the game not your fucking character sheet, retards.
Using Ability Scores
Hiding (p. 177). The DM decides when circumstances are appropriate for hiding. Also, the question isn’t whether a creature can see you when you’re hiding. The question is whether it can see you clearly.
Lighting Bag of Poop on Fire, Then Fleeing to Nearby Cover to Enjoy Prank (p. 180). Requires checks (in sequence) vs. DEX and WIS. Fail of either check requires check vs. STR or CHA, fail indicates character killed.
Peeking Through a Glory Hole (p. 184). Requires check vs. DEX to avoid getting poked/sprayed in the eye. Beholder characters do not suffer Blind status effect until 6+ eyes have suffered disability.
Suffocating (p. 183). If you run out of breath, you can’t regain hit points or be stabilized until you can breathe again.
Vision and Light (p. 183). A heavily obscured area doesn’t blind you, but you are effectively blinded when you try to see something obscured by it.
Long Rest (p. 186). You regain at least 1 Hit Die when you finish a long rest.
Greyhawk (p. 189). How Forgotten Realms was chosen over Greyhawk, I mean whose dick did Greenwood suck to make that happen?!? And it’s not like Greyhawk is so hot, in retrospect it’s a dopey Mary Sue convention created by a bunch of circlejerkers with wet dreams about living in medieval times, but good lord Forgotten Realms is just… fuck, it’s lame.
Ready (p. 193). You have until the start of your next turn to use a readied action.
Melee Attacks (p. 195). The rule on unarmed strikes should read as follows: “Instead of using a weapon to make a melee weapon attack, you can use an unarmed strike: a punch, kick, head-butt, or similar forceful blow (none of which count as weapons). On a hit, an unarmed strike deals bludgeoning damage equal to 1 + your Strength modifier. You are proficient with your unarmed strikes.”
Second Try (p. 195). Wow. We needed a mulligan to get the definition of an unarmed strike correct? Holy shit, did Mearls put Rob Conley in charge of writing the original???
Wimmin (p. 198). Female characters suffer a -10/-50% penalty to all combat related rolls, because vagina+tampons.
Paladin Spells (p. 209). The spell is Destructive Wave, not Destructive Smite.
Wizard Spells (p. 211). Trap the Soul shouldn’t appear on the spell list.
Mexican Spells (p. 214). Whoops, this was a little joke that was only supposed to be shared with the testing team. Pls ignore, thx.
White Power Spells (p. 215). The spell is Kill Jew, not Cure Jew.
Bigby’s Lubed Fist (p. 224). Shout out, homie!
Mass Cure Wounds (p. 258). This spell’s school is evocation, not conjuration.
Mass Heal (p. 258). This spell’s school is evocation, not conjuration.
Mass Hitler (p. 258). Number of Hitlers created is 1d6 per caster level. For every 6 Hitlers created, 50% chance 1d3 Goerings appear.
Phantasmal Killer (p. 265). The frightened target makes a save at the end of its turns, not the start.
Phantasmal Tao of Alexis (p. 266). The frightened target makes a save at the end of its turns, not the start.
Polymorph (p. 266). This spell can’t affect a target that has 0 hit points.
Purify Shit and Piss (p. 267). All non-magical shit and piss within a 5-foot-radius sphere centered on a point of your choice within range is purified and rendered free of poison and disease and can now be eaten.
Raggi (p. 270). I forgot all about him and now I got nothing. Someone fill this in…!
Revivify (p. 272). This spell’s school is necromancy, not conjuration.
Silence $48,000 Radius (p. 278). That’s another shout out, bruh!
True Polymorph (p. 283). This spell can’t affect a target that has 0 hit points.
Weird (p. 288). The frightened target makes a save at the end of its turns, not the start.
Creature Statistics If in doubt, the Monster Manual version of a creature’s stat block is authoritative. Also, we’re gonna use a picture of Raggi to illustrate the Type IV Demon… that’s the big fatass one with hooves, right?
Acknowledgments We’re going to stick with Zak because he can still prove useful from a marketing standpoint, despite the fact we completely ignored all his actual stupid input on the game. But we’re cutting Pundit loose, and moving forward we’ll just pretend he never happened. (Don’t worry Pundit, you can keep the $250.)
James Raggi is promoting Nazi-guy-who-likes-to-murder-people-and-burn-down-churches Varg Vikernes, will Zak S. continue to make lots of money for LotFP and help proliferate Nazi ideology?
EDIT: Mad shout-out to rogerthecabinboy for pointing this out in previous comments!
Is James feeling lonely? Euro in the shitter and sales down? Usually those trigger his shock schtick to activate, form of SOMETHING DUMB TO SAY THAT GENERATES CLICKS AND STORE TRAFFIC!!! This would explain why he’s getting the word out about Varg and his White Power game (I’m not going to link to Varg’s video or James’ endorsement of it because I refuse to promote hate or contribute potentially even $1 in sales — I’m looking at you, Mjollnir — to Varg’s pockets, it’s on fatso’s G+ stream if you want to look it up).
Big question is: when does Zak S. pull the ripcord on his relationship with LotFP? Zak is pretty clearly in the NAZIS ARE TOTALLY NOT CHILL camp. Witness him summon the shades of a thousand Treblinkan crematoria wraiths and wear them as armor+shield:
Of course, Zak is the prize milking cow for James and LotFP — will he continue to do business with James, now that Raggs is helping Varg pay his StormFront subscription? Exposure on Raggs G+ connects with a HUGE audience, this is easily the largest and most precisely targeted exposure Varg could possibly win for his White Power game in which, “Non-white people are used as orcs and goblins. They are described as violent, uneducated and filthy.” Can we guess at the worm-like argument Zak makes to justify his continuing support for Raggs? WHAT WILL THE DEAD JEWISH RELATIVES SAY?!?!?
Recovering Retard WE NEED YOU (to draw Hitler Varg and Raggi Goering with Zak Himmler examining a map of their OSR conquests)!!!
On Planet Earth, a bunch of creative types got Call of Dutied by the terrorists, for drawing some naughty pictures and making buttfuck jokes on Mohammed(sp?), but that’s nothing.
Planet OSR is like Bizarro World where everything is reverse: we have to be 24/7 vigilant against rogue “creative” types who are terrorists that threaten to destroy innocent lives with their fucking gross ideologies and shitty Kickstarter projects. Witness:
- Venger Satanis, who no one can even say his ridiculous name without laughing at him like Nelson, if you put some pennies in his tin cup he’ll tell you how to DM “like a boss.” No clue what that means exactly, but his idea of a boss is Cthulhu so probably some green mood-lighting is involved and maybe you get access to his list of ultra-awesome adjectives including “bilious,” “squamous” and “fhtagn.” This video I think outlines what he thinks makes a great DM, but I didn’t make it past 27 seconds because every fucking video he talks like he just woke up and he’s not exactly sure where he is or who he’s talking to.
- John Adams aka the Brave Halfling Who Shits His Pants is threatening to publish more material and presumably again wants you to pay to not receive it. He’s still mailing out boxes ordered 3+ years ago at a steady rate of 1-2 per year, God bless his little soul. Is John a real life Brick Tamland? I think so.
- Perhaps the most vile terrorist threat of all is the Scud launched by James Fuckpig Raggi IV, who wants to unleash upon an unsuspecting world JaMal’s CursedChateau 2.0. All the LotFP fanboys are receiving the news like this, but I reviewed the original and I’m too lazy to find my own link but basically my well argued critique is that it blows hot ass.
I hope that as a community we can unite and take a stand against these terrorists, or at least make fun of the way they look and any other personal or lifestyle attributes that vary from a very narrowly defined norm, including being a pastor at some gay ass church.
Je suis OSR!