Zak S. and RPGPundit, a comparison of the D&D 5th Edition consultants, or “John Tarnowski must feel lower than a legless flea’s taint”
Signature product: Vornheim, the Complete City Kit is written, illustrated & graphic designed by Zak S. and won a technology award because the organization bestowing the award I guess wanted the PR pop that comes from giving a tech award to a paper book written by a porno guy. It’s acclaimed by many in the OSR as the greatest thing since medium belt pouches, derided by others as silly, indulgent, littered with pointless tables, and ludicrously unusable. Everyone agrees that Mandy looks gross on the cover.
Arrows of Indra is D&D with a coat of Bollywood face paint slapped on. It has sold almost dozens of copies and I can’t find a single review outside of the one written by RPGPundit himself, who awards his work a rating of 9 out of 10 — presumably he blames the one point deduction on shitty art, or fucked up layout, or something else he was not responsible for. If you would like an Anglicized version of India written by an American Mexican living in Bolivia (Uruguay?), this one’s for you. John is super stoked to mention there’s a tranny (sp? Is it “trannie?”) on the cover, which is fine and all but why didn’t he celebrate the tranny on the cover when his supposed shitting on of the LGBT community was an issue? It’s like those guys who are all suddenly, “I have lots of black friends,” when it’s pointed out they always hire the goof-off white kid instead of the qualified black kid.
Typical supporter response to admitted retarded claims that either one of these dudes shit on the LGBT community, or hate gays, or whatever that shit was cause I couldn’t really figure it out: [paraphrased] “Zak. S. is not a homophobe. To assert anything contrary is ridiculous and itself driven by a hate agenda. He ministers, tenderly and angel-like, to his disabled, immigrant, genderqueer, alternative girlfriend Mandy. Can he sometimes be abrasive? Maybe, but only to dummies, Republicans, and other people we don’t like. But his saintly demeanor and creative genius (Vornheim!) rank him atop humanity, to say nothing of the OSR, which without him would be bereft of meaning, value, and hope.”
[paraphrased] “I’m not a fan of RPGPundit and in fact I think he’s bad for the OSR, and gaming as a whole. I cannot defend any of his actions. I have boycotted all his products on principle, but they basically look terrible and derivative, so I never would have purchased them anyway. Obviously his creepo politics are offensive, no wonder he had to flee the US to embed himself in a primitive culture. I wonder if it wasn’t an actual sex crime or maybe just one against nature itself that caused him to hastily depart America, but that’s just me wondering — as yet, I have no proof (email me if you know something). And also I just get this vibe that he smells. But anyway, despite all evidence of a disgusting moral character and acknowledging the probability that I’m sure in the next couple days the truth will come out and we’ll find out he drives by gay clubs and throws hot dogs out his window and cackles at the m2f genderstrobes lined up at the door, as far as I know, to date, to my knowledge only I cannot speak for anyone else, I don’t THINK I have ever seen him do more than just be insulting and dismissive in sort of a general way to the LGBT community, and maybe not even that but I can’t be sure. I’m certain I’ll have to retract this provisional note of reluctant support, probably within days or only hours when the full truth of his infamy is revealed, but I would feel weird defending Zak and NOT defending RPGPundit and Zak has sort of implied I need to defend both, so… there it is. RPGPundit is disgusting and should be shunned on principle, just probably not for the reason everyone is doing it right now…”
What James Edward Raggi IV thinks: James published Vornheim, pleaded with Zak for the Alice in Wonderland vs. Dracula thing, and pops a tiny boner w/ watery dribble of pre-cum at the thought of publishing anything else Zak related. He can celebrate Death Frost Plagiarism all he wants, Vornheim literally built his company and the new Zak thing will revive it after numerous Kickstarter stumbles and creative misfires (Death Love Doom, Fuck for Satan, Joop van Ooms, Broodmother Vaporware, etc.)
RPGPundit approached James hat-in-hand, asking if his eminence would be so gracious as to consider publishing his long-in-the-works supplement Dark Albion, a project that seemingly would fit gorgeously into the post-Renaissance LotFP default setting. James was shocked at first, then turned his head slightly and laughed deeply but quietly into his hand — he made an extreme effort to ensure RPGPundit would notice this laughter, but more importantly notice the theatrical effort to obscure the laughter, as is done when someone wants to enjoy a good laugh at someone’s expense without alerting them to the ridicule and thereby spoil opportunities for future derision.
Attitude toward ISIS: Zak S. has made no public pronouncements, but we may guess he does not support ISIS and is generally pro-America, although not in favor of a militaristic foreign policy and the aggressive oligarchy in whose interests it is deployed.
John Tarnowski has made no public pronouncements, but based on his overall character, it is not unreasonable to suppose he despises America and supports the terrorists and may even now be thinking ugly thoughts about Abraham Lincoln, baseball, and apple pie. But there is absolutely no hard evidence of this, that is certain.
Apart from Wizards of the Coast, collaborates with: Zak S. is partnered with acclaimed author China Mieville on a forthcoming project, went to the wedding of one of the guys from Marilyn Manson, and hangs out with actresses you will recognize from such films as Ass Eaters Unanimous 19, My Hot Wife is Fucking Blackzilla! 7, and Facefucking Inc. 8.
RPGPundit follows James Desborough on G+.
So who comes out ahead?!?!? Haha, trick question — they both fucking suck assholes!
I’ll just put this here, and then we can discuss it like nice gentlemen:
[Edit: Kent asked me to remove the direct link, apparently it broke his shit or something. Go through his website to listen to his beautiful message of love, respect, and tolerance, assuming you arrive on one of those rare occasions when his website’s actually up…]
I’m gonna be honest right up front: I’m a Venger Satanis fan. The Nickelodeon slime video [I think he removed it???], the cornball publishing empire, the whackadoodle soapbox shit… I mean, pretty much whatever tickles your funnybone, you can find a reason to unleash a Nelson-ian “HAHA!” in his direction, and evergreen niggas like that are hard to find these days. He don’t give a fuck, he’s fearless, he’s stupid, and that’s absolutely awesome.
But here’s some shit — Did you know he’s like the Supreme Tentacle of the Church of Cthulhu or something? And there’s a dissident movement agitating for his removal? Or there was and he persevered? I can’t read past a couple paragraphs to figure it out.
I can’t even figure out what order to put those links in, because at the bottom of each article there’s like three more articles about Venger and him shittin’ up the Church of Gozer the Gozerian or whatever the fuck they’re talking about. I had NO*FUCKING*IDEA shit was this intense around a MacGuffin from some dimestore rags published a century ago. I can comprehend Bronies and /Slash/ fiction and Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and shit, but I literally cannot fathom dudes getting their panties twisted over who’s the most I’thaqua motherfucker on tha block.
His rabbit hole is deep, I mean inverse Olympus Mons at the bottom of the Challenger Deep deep, this shit only scratches the surface. Anything you find, post it. I unapologetically (sp?) am rooting for this fucking retard, if he has a donate button or some shit on his blog and you got some disposable income, fucking do it…
[Edit: Shit, forgot the book reviews.]
Hi there, fellow OSR. Well, we’ve had a craaaaazy last couple of weeks. Let’s skip right to the point. Close to half a dozen, or maybe even a thousand or more, OSR bloggers have had to step forward to defend one of our own, Zak Smabbath, from disgusting, hurtful, filthy, and totally untrue charges that he is a HOMOSEXUAL and even a TRANSHOMO, which I don’t even know what is??? Check out some heroes ready to put this queer fuss to rest:
I hereby add myself to the chorus of voices that can state, definitively, Zak S is not homogay or a transtesticle, or any of that nonsense. Do you hear that, Internet Haters? Zak would NEVER put his penis into a manbutt. NEVER! And cut it off to pretend he’s a girl or something? NO. FUCKING. WAY. He has a girlfriend, DUUUUUUUUUH!!! Herp-di-derp much, Haters?
Zak, please add this as a link in your next post that lists all your defenders against charges you are gendergross. RPGPundit, you can add me too — no one else has come to your defense yet, which must make you feel kinda lonely compared to Zak, but HERE I AM TO SAY RPGPUNDIT DOES NOT GAY!!!
I also challenge the Internet Haters: if you can find, anywhere, a picture of Zak S or RPGPundit doing gay, post a link in my comments section. I bet there won’t be any links posted. [Please don’t post faked-out links to stuff where it’s not Zak S or RPGPundit doing a gayness but you say it is, that would not be in the spirit of manners.] I’m confident that this can become the ultimate resource to prove that Zak S is not protohomo and RPGPundit is not transtardic.
Now can we put this homosexual nonsense behind us and get back to PLAYING DUNGEONS & DRAGONS GAMES??!!
Amazon got a little sloppy with fulfillment and I mistakenly received my D&D Starter Set nearly two weeks early. I was so excited I tore the box open with my teeth! Let me tell you, I was more than a little shocked at what I found inside…
I didn’t even make it past the dedication:
This game is dedicated to Hitler, who taught me so much about fighting for what you believe is right. R.I.P. U A reeel nigguh :: #finalsolution #YOLO #GODHATESFAGS :: Sincerely — Mike Mearls
I want to go on record here and say that that’s super not-chill with me. This is NOT how we grow the hobby and introduce a new generation of gamers to role playing. I call on Hasbro, Inc. to announce they do not agree with Mr. Mearls’ feelings and what they are going to do to ensure that Hitler is not a part of D&D in an official capacity. Maybe Elminster could do a PSA about tolerance and inclusion on the Dorkland! podcast, that might be a good place to start.
Please repost/link this review so we can get Hasbro’s attention and let them know we demand justice!!!
Gail Gygax has been a busy beaver, rest assured your tens of thousands of dollars in unaccounted for donations are most likely in good hands. What’s the takeaway from her last appearance six months ago before the Lake Geneva city council? Not that for all that money, all that’s bought is the design. Not that Gail has taken literal inspiration from Mario Bros. in banging bricks from Gary’s casket to make it rain coins into her pockets. We learn: Gail has chosen an artist to render beloved Gary as a monument that will stand proudly for ages. No run of the mill artist, this man has experience in the monument industry — he is Gerald Sawyer, the Michelangelo-esque talent behind the Fonzie statue in Milwaukee… wait, WTF?!?
TIL there’s a Fonzie statue in Milwaukee. This is what the Fonzie statue in Milwaukee looks like, presumably seeing this moistened Gail’s panties sufficient for her to exclaim, “Call off the search, boys… I’ve found our artist!”
What a gorgeous likeness! Here’s more of Jerry’s work, I think you’ll agree his level of artistic skill feels comfortably at home in a movement that has produced Greg Bell, Steph Poag and Lady Wrinklequim, among others.
This little shit is at it again: Fuck you John Adams, on behalf of anyone who ever gave you money. It’s cut ‘n’ pasted from roughly a thousand other similar posts, but this one has a new punchline:
“Everything’s done, except basically everything!” Huh? What possibly the fuck could “completed” mean here? I guess he’s completed harvesting the timber and pulping it to make paper? His work sourcing dyes and rendering pigments to make the ink is completed? He’s completed designing the symbols used to make a written language? He’s completed smelting the alloy used to make the staples? What in the mother fuck is this paste-eating moron talking about?!?
This cagey goddamn prick read in the Bible that, “The LORD is my shield,” and holy shit did he take that to heart. When the arrows start coming in, John tosses God in front to soak up the damage. “I’m busy tending my flock and transforming their lives for the better.” Can you imagine this crackerdick appearing in your hour of need? The rate of suicide at that church must be spectacular — “An F5 just tossed my home into Arkansas and this choad is handing out ‘God Loves U!’ refrigerator magnets. Excuse me while I cut off my own head.” God must be getting tired of this shit. Global warming has nothing to do with the rash of tornadoes in the Midwest, that’s just God doing his best to exterminate this little fuck. Keep trying, God — this cockroach can’t run forever!
This has to be pathological. A sane, healthy person does not behave in this manner. A certain glee is beginning to seep through the mask, I can almost hear John cackling now as he re-posts these “updates.” He enjoys this prank. No one is this incompetent, tin-eared and oblivious. Right?