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And now for something completely different –

September 22, 2014

I’ll just put this here, and then we can discuss it like nice gentlemen:

http://somekingskent.blogspot.com/2014/09/my-first-podcast-about-my-fantasy.html

Direct link:

[Edit: Kent asked me to remove the direct link, apparently it broke his shit or something. Go through his website to listen to his beautiful message of love, respect, and tolerance, assuming you arrive on one of those rare occasions when his website's actually up...]

 

This post is about Venger Satanis

September 4, 2014

I’m gonna be honest right up front: I’m a Venger Satanis fan. The Nickelodeon slime video [I think he removed it???], the cornball publishing empire, the whackadoodle soapbox shit… I mean, pretty much whatever tickles your funnybone, you can find a reason to unleash a Nelson-ian “HAHA!” in his direction, and evergreen niggas like that are hard to find these days. He don’t give a fuck, he’s fearless, he’s stupid, and that’s absolutely awesome.

But here’s some shit — Did you know he’s like the Supreme Tentacle of the Church of Cthulhu or something? And there’s a dissident movement agitating for his removal? Or there was and he persevered? I can’t read past a couple paragraphs to figure it out.

http://warlockasylum.wordpress.com/2010/11/22/open-lettrer-to-venger-satanis-how-to-rebuild-the-cult-of-cthulhu/

http://warlockasylum.wordpress.com/2010/11/17/is-venger-satanis-cult-of-cthulhu-going-out-of-business/

http://warlockasylum.wordpress.com/2010/12/10/will-venger-satanis-leave-the-cult-of-cthulhu-your-vote-counts/

I can’t even figure out what order to put those links in, because at the bottom of each article there’s like three more articles about Venger and him shittin’ up the Church of Gozer the Gozerian or whatever the fuck they’re talking about. I had NO*FUCKING*IDEA shit was this intense around a MacGuffin from some dimestore rags published a century ago. I can comprehend Bronies and /Slash/ fiction and Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and shit, but I literally cannot fathom dudes getting their panties twisted over who’s the most I’thaqua motherfucker on tha block.

His rabbit hole is deep, I mean inverse Olympus Mons at the bottom of the Challenger Deep deep, this shit only scratches the surface. Anything you find, post it. I unapologetically (sp?) am rooting for this fucking retard, if he has a donate button or some shit on his blog and you got some disposable income, fucking do it…

[Edit: Shit, forgot the book reviews.]

Zak S and RPGPundit are NOT homosexuals, okay?!?!?

August 3, 2014

Hi there, fellow OSR. Well, we’ve had a craaaaazy last couple of weeks. Let’s skip right to the point. Close to half a dozen, or maybe even a thousand or more, OSR bloggers have had to step forward to defend one of our own, Zak Smabbath, from disgusting, hurtful, filthy, and totally untrue charges that he is a HOMOSEXUAL and even a TRANSHOMO, which I don’t even know what is??? Check out some heroes ready to put this queer fuss to rest:

http://falsemachine.blogspot.com/2014/07/zak-smith-is-not-homophobe.html

http://www.theguardian.com/sport/2014/jun/05/zak-hardaker-leeds-rhinos-apology-homophobic-comments

http://monstermanualsewnfrompants.blogspot.com/2014/07/just-for-record.html

I hereby add myself to the chorus of voices that can state, definitively, Zak S is not homogay or a transtesticle, or any of that nonsense. Do you hear that, Internet Haters? Zak would NEVER put his penis into a manbutt. NEVER! And cut it off to pretend he’s a girl or something? NO. FUCKING. WAY. He has a girlfriend, DUUUUUUUUUH!!! Herp-di-derp much, Haters?

Zak, please add this as a link in your next post that lists all your defenders against charges you are gendergross. RPGPundit, you can add me too — no one else has come to your defense yet, which must make you feel kinda lonely compared to Zak, but HERE I AM TO SAY RPGPUNDIT DOES NOT GAY!!!

I also challenge the Internet Haters: if you can find, anywhere, a picture of Zak S or RPGPundit doing gay, post a link in my comments section. I bet there won’t be any links posted. [Please don't post faked-out links to stuff where it's not Zak S or RPGPundit doing a gayness but you say it is, that would not be in the spirit of manners.] I’m confident that this can become the ultimate resource to prove that Zak S is not protohomo and RPGPundit is not transtardic.

Now can we put this homosexual nonsense behind us and get back to PLAYING DUNGEONS & DRAGONS GAMES??!!

Sorry perverts, not on Zak S or RPGPundit's watch!

Sorry perverts, not on Zak S or RPGPundit’s watch!

REVIEW: D&D 5th Edition, by Hasbro, Inc.

July 3, 2014

Amazon got a little sloppy with fulfillment and I mistakenly received my D&D Starter Set nearly two weeks early. I was so excited I tore the box open with my teeth! Let me tell you, I was more than a little shocked at what I found inside…

I didn’t even make it past the dedication:

This game is dedicated to Hitler, who taught me so much about fighting for what you believe is right. R.I.P. U A reeel nigguh :: #finalsolution #YOLO #GODHATESFAGS :: Sincerely — Mike Mearls

I want to go on record here and say that that’s super not-chill with me. This is NOT how we grow the hobby and introduce a new generation of gamers to role playing. I call on Hasbro, Inc. to announce they do not agree with Mr. Mearls’ feelings and what they are going to do to ensure that Hitler is not a part of D&D in an official capacity. Maybe Elminster could do a PSA about tolerance and inclusion on the Dorkland! podcast, that might be a good place to start.

Please repost/link this review so we can get Hasbro’s attention and let them know we demand justice!!!

#NOhitlerD&D #shameonHasbro

Exciting developments in pursuit of the Gygax Memorial Statue!

May 30, 2014

Gail Gygax has been a busy beaver, rest assured your tens of thousands of dollars in unaccounted for donations are most likely in good hands. What’s the takeaway from her last appearance six months ago before the Lake Geneva city council? Not that for all that money, all that’s bought is the design. Not that Gail has taken literal inspiration from Mario Bros. in banging bricks from Gary’s casket to make it rain coins into her pockets. We learn: Gail has chosen an artist to render beloved Gary as a monument that will stand proudly for ages. No run of the mill artist, this man has experience in the monument industry — he is Gerald Sawyer, the Michelangelo-esque talent behind the Fonzie statue in Milwaukee… wait, WTF?!?

TIL there’s a Fonzie statue in Milwaukee. This is what the Fonzie statue in Milwaukee looks like, presumably seeing this moistened Gail’s panties sufficient for her to exclaim, “Call off the search, boys… I’ve found our artist!”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAFUKCMYSTOMACHHURTSIMLAUGHINGSOHARDHAHAHAHAHAHAOHGODFUCKMAKEITSTOPHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAFUKCMYSTOMACHHURTSIMLAUGHINGSOHARDHAHAHAHAHAHAOHGODFUCKMAKEITSTOPHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

What a gorgeous likeness! Here’s more of Jerry’s work, I think you’ll agree his level of artistic skill feels comfortably at home in a movement that has produced Greg Bell, Steph Poag and Lady Wrinklequim, among others.

AYYY!!!

AYYY!!!

Hey John. Planet Dumb Fucking Asshole called… they want to know when you’re coming home?

May 17, 2014

This little shit is at it again: Fuck you John Adams, on behalf of anyone who ever gave you money. It’s cut ‘n’ pasted from roughly a thousand other similar posts, but this one has a new punchline:

fuck this guy

“Everything’s done, except basically everything!” Huh? What possibly the fuck could “completed” mean here? I guess he’s completed harvesting the timber and pulping it to make paper? His work sourcing dyes and rendering pigments to make the ink is completed? He’s completed designing the symbols used to make a written language? He’s completed smelting the alloy used to make the staples? What in the mother fuck is this paste-eating moron talking about?!?

This cagey goddamn prick read in the Bible that, “The LORD is my shield,” and holy shit did he take that to heart. When the arrows start coming in, John tosses God in front to soak up the damage. “I’m busy tending my flock and transforming their lives for the better.” Can you imagine this crackerdick appearing in your hour of need? The rate of suicide at that church must be spectacular — “An F5 just tossed my home into Arkansas and this choad is handing out ‘God Loves U!’ refrigerator magnets. Excuse me while I cut off my own head.” ¬†God must be getting tired of this shit. Global warming has nothing to do with the rash of tornadoes in the Midwest, that’s just God doing his best to exterminate this little fuck. Keep trying, God — this cockroach can’t run forever!

This has to be pathological. A sane, healthy person does not behave in this manner. A certain glee is beginning to seep through the mask, I can almost hear John cackling now as he re-posts these “updates.” He enjoys this prank. No one is this incompetent, tin-eared and oblivious. Right?

 

Forum punishments

May 14, 2014

Well, you guys win. You push my buttons long enough and I have to do something.

  • Gene … gone for a month.
  • Kent … gone for a month.
  • PrinceofNothing … do gamer outreach on Krynn for 1 week.
  • Let me tell you about my character … tell Robert Kuntz about your character for 5 minutes, then read his 14,265 word response.
  • kaptainvon … odd numbered comments will be deleted.
  • Bigby’s Lubed Fist … justify alignment languages in 25 words or fewer.
  • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN … thread ban.
  • Captain Kirk’s Dick Blood … sit in the corner quietly.
  • Timotheus … warning.
  • Peanut Eminem … three day ban.
  • Spank Foreskin … generate a Cyborg Commando character.
  • Skarka the Hutt … talk to a girl.
  • Kent’s Rectum … talk to a girl about Cyborg Commando.
  • justme … leave a positive review on Amazon for Pete’s Garage.
  • Mac … three warnings in a row (stacking bonuses apply).
  • perdustin … double-secret thread ban.
  • Martin Luther & The Game Of Life … convert to Cuthbertianity.
  • Jack … gone for several hours or until you see this, at which point you may reply in the Trouble Tickets thread.
  • The Minotaur’s Left Testicle … stat yourself out honestly.
  • Fucktard’s Everfull Ass … YouTube warning from Alexis (you must watch all 12 minutes 14 seconds).
  • Arneson’s Manboob … design d12 cantrips for the Jester class.
  • Scott … finish Dwarf-Land.
  • Sykirobme … warning, stern and fatherly; with time comes understanding and as I teach you how to become a man, you awaken memories of the childhood I never had; then buttsecks.
  • Schizonomicon Acid Redux … gone for a month, to be spent following bloodymage around with a camera.
  • Shitty McTits … disappointed shake of my head.
  • Gene Shalit’s Crazy Moustache … I stare past you into the distance, unable to meet your eyes as I wonder, “Is this my fault…?”
  • the Temple of Elemental Bullshit … two week ban.
  • YDIS is a FAGCLUB91 … permanent ban.
  • Recovering Retard … draw Zak as a Daemonette or Raggi as Nurgle or Greyhawk Grognard as Nagash, or some blend of OSR and WFRP.

I’ll put some thought into whether any of you can return or if I switch to a ban.

 

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