Amazon got a little sloppy with fulfillment and I mistakenly received my D&D Starter Set nearly two weeks early. I was so excited I tore the box open with my teeth! Let me tell you, I was more than a little shocked at what I found inside…
I didn’t even make it past the dedication:
This game is dedicated to Hitler, who taught me so much about fighting for what you believe is right. R.I.P. U A reeel nigguh :: #finalsolution #YOLO #GODHATESFAGS :: Sincerely — Mike Mearls
I want to go on record here and say that that’s super not-chill with me. This is NOT how we grow the hobby and introduce a new generation of gamers to role playing. I call on Hasbro, Inc. to announce they do not agree with Mr. Mearls’ feelings and what they are going to do to ensure that Hitler is not a part of D&D in an official capacity. Maybe Elminster could do a PSA about tolerance and inclusion on the Dorkland! podcast, that might be a good place to start.
Please repost/link this review so we can get Hasbro’s attention and let them know we demand justice!!!
Gail Gygax has been a busy beaver, rest assured your tens of thousands of dollars in unaccounted for donations are most likely in good hands. What’s the takeaway from her last appearance six months ago before the Lake Geneva city council? Not that for all that money, all that’s bought is the design. Not that Gail has taken literal inspiration from Mario Bros. in banging bricks from Gary’s casket to make it rain coins into her pockets. We learn: Gail has chosen an artist to render beloved Gary as a monument that will stand proudly for ages. No run of the mill artist, this man has experience in the monument industry — he is Gerald Sawyer, the Michelangelo-esque talent behind the Fonzie statue in Milwaukee… wait, WTF?!?
TIL there’s a Fonzie statue in Milwaukee. This is what the Fonzie statue in Milwaukee looks like, presumably seeing this moistened Gail’s panties sufficient for her to exclaim, “Call off the search, boys… I’ve found our artist!”
What a gorgeous likeness! Here’s more of Jerry’s work, I think you’ll agree his level of artistic skill feels comfortably at home in a movement that has produced Greg Bell, Steph Poag and Lady Wrinklequim, among others.
This little shit is at it again: Fuck you John Adams, on behalf of anyone who ever gave you money. It’s cut ‘n’ pasted from roughly a thousand other similar posts, but this one has a new punchline:
“Everything’s done, except basically everything!” Huh? What possibly the fuck could “completed” mean here? I guess he’s completed harvesting the timber and pulping it to make paper? His work sourcing dyes and rendering pigments to make the ink is completed? He’s completed designing the symbols used to make a written language? He’s completed smelting the alloy used to make the staples? What in the mother fuck is this paste-eating moron talking about?!?
This cagey goddamn prick read in the Bible that, “The LORD is my shield,” and holy shit did he take that to heart. When the arrows start coming in, John tosses God in front to soak up the damage. “I’m busy tending my flock and transforming their lives for the better.” Can you imagine this crackerdick appearing in your hour of need? The rate of suicide at that church must be spectacular — “An F5 just tossed my home into Arkansas and this choad is handing out ‘God Loves U!’ refrigerator magnets. Excuse me while I cut off my own head.” God must be getting tired of this shit. Global warming has nothing to do with the rash of tornadoes in the Midwest, that’s just God doing his best to exterminate this little fuck. Keep trying, God — this cockroach can’t run forever!
This has to be pathological. A sane, healthy person does not behave in this manner. A certain glee is beginning to seep through the mask, I can almost hear John cackling now as he re-posts these “updates.” He enjoys this prank. No one is this incompetent, tin-eared and oblivious. Right?
Well, you guys win. You push my buttons long enough and I have to do something.
- Gene … gone for a month.
- Kent … gone for a month.
- PrinceofNothing … do gamer outreach on Krynn for 1 week.
- Let me tell you about my character … tell Robert Kuntz about your character for 5 minutes, then read his 14,265 word response.
- kaptainvon … odd numbered comments will be deleted.
- Bigby’s Lubed Fist … justify alignment languages in 25 words or fewer.
- FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN … thread ban.
- Captain Kirk’s Dick Blood … sit in the corner quietly.
- Timotheus … warning.
- Peanut Eminem … three day ban.
- Spank Foreskin … generate a Cyborg Commando character.
- Skarka the Hutt … talk to a girl.
- Kent’s Rectum … talk to a girl about Cyborg Commando.
- justme … leave a positive review on Amazon for Pete’s Garage.
- Mac … three warnings in a row (stacking bonuses apply).
- perdustin … double-secret thread ban.
- Martin Luther & The Game Of Life … convert to Cuthbertianity.
- Jack … gone for several hours or until you see this, at which point you may reply in the Trouble Tickets thread.
- The Minotaur’s Left Testicle … stat yourself out honestly.
- Fucktard’s Everfull Ass … YouTube warning from Alexis (you must watch all 12 minutes 14 seconds).
- Arneson’s Manboob … design d12 cantrips for the Jester class.
- Scott … finish Dwarf-Land.
- Sykirobme … warning, stern and fatherly; with time comes understanding and as I teach you how to become a man, you awaken memories of the childhood I never had; then buttsecks.
- Schizonomicon Acid Redux … gone for a month, to be spent following bloodymage around with a camera.
- Shitty McTits … disappointed shake of my head.
- Gene Shalit’s Crazy Moustache … I stare past you into the distance, unable to meet your eyes as I wonder, “Is this my fault…?”
- the Temple of Elemental Bullshit … two week ban.
- YDIS is a FAGCLUB91 … permanent ban.
- Recovering Retard … draw Zak as a Daemonette or Raggi as Nurgle or Greyhawk Grognard as Nagash, or some blend of OSR and WFRP.
I’ll put some thought into whether any of you can return or if I switch to a ban.
Enough. Game time is over, we all know where this needs to go. The pretenders to the throne fall away like Bryan Singer’s pants at a kids pool party: John Adams, Kent, Gorgonmilk, Poag, Bruce Heard, even Bobby Kuntz as magnificent and awful as he is, these are children of a lesser god. We note their passing in song:
FINAL BATTLE: GOPagan vs. Zak Sabbath, let’s go to the tale of the tape:
- 214 lbs.
- Tap cane to transform into Thor
- Poops super quickly and without straining, the turds just sort of sliiiiiide out of his grossly deformed horsedick-hungry butthole
- Only a brilliant mind could unify Wicca Mystical + Reagan Conservative themes
- Looks pretty fucking TIGHT in a turtleneck-sport coat combo
- 112 lbs.
- Can tap keyboard to transform into toughest, most impervious guy ever
- Poops super quickly and without straining, the turds just sort of sliiiiiide out of his grossly deformed horsedick-hungry butthole
- 1000+ Google+ followers and he could totally have more if he wanted to…
- Indisputably has had sex with a female
RESULTS: There’s just no defeating Zak. He is the Perfect Internet Weapon. This is ZakHammer: 40ZAK – in the grim darkness of the online far future, there is only ZAK. To salve his wounds, GOPagan does what feels right to him: he flees to Cliven Bundy’s ranch and the two commiserate about what a sad world it is that the BLM is legal but cotton-pickin’ slaves are not.
Goddamn, this shit got boring for me real quick. This town needs an enema. Or at least something new to hate :(
Hey Zak, why don’t you hold up your trophy for us (thank you Recovering Retard!):
Round 2 South
#1 John Adams vs. #4 Michael Curtis: Curtis unexpectedly takes a huge lead into the 2nd half but with 8 minutes remaining play is interrupted when Mike Mornard rushes the court naked, the nipples of his pendulous man-breasts erect and terrifying. He’s got GoldenPalace.com written in sharpie across his back and a pennant advertising his new promotional website flutters defiantly from its secure enlodgement ‘tween his buttcheeks. HomeSec snipers deployed to the rafters bring him down with stumm loads and play resumes. Adams, invigorated by what is clearly an act of God to dissipate Curtis’ momentum, rallies to close and sinks a buzzerbeater for the win. A heavenly tabernacle sings in celebration.
#3 Joethelawyer vs. #2 Greyhawk Grognard: Joethelawyer opens strong and a bit saucy too: he blows kisses to Zak & Mandy in the stands and fans himself comically with a zine after each dunk. The crowd is stunned, is the Grognard all bluster? Nope, just playing a little rope-a-dope. The deception is revealed emphatically when Joethelawyer goes up for what appears to be an uncontested layup and Saint Cuthbert materializes above the rim and disrupts the ball utterly with a strike from his mace. Joethelawyer aghast looks to his patron, Zak pretends not to notice for a moment, fixes him with a slow smirk and extends his arm dramatically, then uncoils a wickedly leisured Imperial thumbs down. Joethelawyer instantaneously flashforms into a pillar of volcanic rock to which Mandy blows an exaggerated kiss, and the pillar explodes into ash. Game fucking over and Greyhawk Grognard still hasn’t even roused the Asgardians yet.
Round 2 East
#1 Zak Sabbath vs. #4 Christian Walker: Christian drops in and is immediately barreled by Mandy in her wheelchair. Zak laughs from the sideline and Christian’s corpse is spatula-ed from the court, can anything stop Zak?!?!?
#3 Kent vs. #2 Tenkar: Like an endless tide of World War Z zombies, Kent’s sock puppet legions wash over and submerge Tenkar. Nothing remains not even a stupid poll, “Do you use alignment languages?” query that’s been asked a thousand times, or handjob review of a buddy’s illiterate OSR module. Kent preens and advances.
Round 2 West
#1 Grognardia vs. #5 Gorgonmilk: The touts have Grognardia as an overwhelming favorite but they forgot one thing: Gorgonmilk has been waiting for this matchup for over a year and he has a secret weapon. Grognardia approaches confidently and the trap is sprung, as Gorgonmilk averts his gaze and flourishes a copy of the Petty Gods .pdf. Grognardia is horrified, forced to confront the very bed he shit in. Maliziewski does what he always does when challenged: he runs for cover, hiding as far away as he can manage. Gorgonmilk wins!
#3 Poag vs. #7 Greg Christopher: Nobody else hates Christopher and his shitty games? Just me? Fine, whatever, Poag summons a cohort of goblin baby rapers to do their thing and destroys utterly Christopher’s orifices.
Round 2 Midwest
#1 James Raggi IV vs. #4 Bruce Heard: When it comes down to it, Raggi’s game is soft: talking about the boner you get watching A Serbian Film only gets you so far these days, like through middle school maybe. There’s no there there. Bruce Heard laughs in the face of cancer women. He has no pity, he asks for no quarter nor does he grant it. He is the guardian of Mystara. Heard wins comfortably.
#6 RPG Pundit vs. #2 Robert Kuntz: You’d think a pipe smoker would be accustomed to gross smells, but Kuntz’s potent waft is a nightmare agglomeration of the most heinous odors: sodden kitty litter, unwashed ponytail, failed dream flop sweat. Pundit is melted into oblivion as if he’d looked directly at the Ark, Kuntz guffaws and high fives his special adviser Terry Goodkind.
Round 1 South:
#1 John Adams vs. #8 Jeff Rients: This one is closer than it looks. Adams of course combines shortbus stupid with insincere, and then ladles on a helping of entitlement because being tight with the Big Guy in the Sky means everything is forgiven as long as you profess good intentions. But Rients is the guy who shit the bed he jumped into with Raggi AND he’s a random table spammer. In the end though, you gotta hand it to the guy who has filled Facebook, Kickstarter, his blog and multiple forums with post office conspiracy theories and tales of unimaginable personal woe. Adams wins comfortably.
#5 Joesky vs. #4 Michael Curtis: Phoney baloney tard blogger had a stay fresh date of about 3 posts. Michael Curtis however pulled off the gutsiest scam this side of the fake sign language dude at Mandela’s funeral: to set out the tin cup while gainfully employed in multiple jobs was bold, to up the ante by threatening his most generous donors unless they forked over even more was absolutely bonkers. This one’s a blowout for Curtis.
#6 Dungeon Dozen vs. #3 Joethelawyer: Spamdom tables vs. the guy who wipes up Zak’s spooge and then wrings the sponge out into his own mouth. Hate the tables but Joethelawyer takes this one in a romp.
#7 Chronicles of Ganth vs. #2 Greyhawk Grognard: The Ganth guy is fucking annoying and retarded and maybe like 12-years-old, which is all mostly harmless. Greyhawk Grognard got jobbed, he should be a one-seed. Monster rout, Hawknard celebrates with a mead enema.
Round 1 East:
#1 Zak Smith vs. #8 Dyson Logos: This is such a mismatch Zak sends Satine in his place, Dyson is whelmed ‘neath a thundering flurry of pneumatic dildo thrusts.
#5 Elfmaids & Octopi vs. #4 Christian Walker: E & O used SHITLOADS OF STUPID FUCKING TABLES // CHRISTIAN used ENDLESS GODDAMN ZINES // E & O fainted! // CHRISTIAN wins!
#6 Nine & Thirty Kingdoms vs. #3 Kent: The coat-over-black-turtleneck look is a tough one to beat, but when the going gets tough Kent starts talking about Columbo, which is enough to slay any mortal man. Kent wins.
#7 tenfootpole vs. Tenkar: tenfootpole guy is American University and Tenkar is Michigan State, Tenkar wins.
Round 1 West:
#1 Grognardia vs. #8 Metal Earth: The spread here was Grognardia -62, Grognardia covers.
#5 Gorgonmilk vs. #4 Gothridge Manor: Fuck you Gothridge Manor and fuck your gay wife too, but Gorgonmilk slithers to a win in a minor upset.
#6 Venger Satanis vs. #3 Stef Poag: I find it hard not to like Venge – he’s stupid and he knows it and he doesn’t give a fuck. Stef got a three-seed on rep alone, his output for a year now has been wack and he’s either taking chill pills or his wife or someone slapped a restrictor plate on him. Stef pulls this one out with a buzzer beater, but his future does not look bright.
#7 Greg Christopher vs. #2 Huge Ruined Scott: Scott’s a complete fucking faggot and I don’t for a minute believe half the shit he offhandedly drops to sound cool, like that he’s an MMA fighter or that he hangs out at prisons, or that he has a tattoo of a penis on his vagina. So fuck him. Greg Christopher though, that guy fucking ENTERTAINS me. Originally it was just the terrible RPG shit and sharing links to computer game soundtracks because that’s his idea of great music, but last year he went dark for awhile and came back with a sadsack tale about his wife cheating on him and now he’s getting divorced, blah blah blah. And he played victim for a bit but it never really rang true, which is when the truth came out that he had ballooned during his marriage to 350+ pounds and was playing computer games 18 fucking hours a day and MAYBE SHE HAD A LEGIT REASON TO STRAY?!?!? So anyway, Fatass smooshes Huge Ruined Bullshitter and advances.
Round 1 Midwest:
#1 James Raggi vs. #8 Planet Algol: In an amazing upset… – haha just fucking with you, Raggi ate him.
#5 Battic vs. #4 Bruce Heard: Tie? No? Fucking Heard wins for terrorizing Aussie slash fic marms with threats of litigation.
#6 RPG Pundit vs. #3 Tim Brannan: I check Pundit’s blog infrequently, but every time it’s either a commercial for his shitty games or he’s spamming Cracked.com clickbait. On G+ he’s somehow aligned himself with Raggi and Zak, presumably in hopes some of their commercial success rubs off. Brannan pleaded to be the new Pope of the OSR and the OSR responded, “No.” Pundit wins, ZaggiStank is potent stuff…
#7 James Smith vs. #2 Robert Kuntz: Kuntz is fucking abysmal, he wins.
THANK YOU ARNESON’S MANBOOB!!!