“We’ve worked hard on this product and I feel it is a great game.”
The above quote comes from the comments section of the latest Delving Dumber post, and it condenses the absolutely fucking inane thought process of retro-cloning into a single brief convenient sentence.
First, “We’ve worked hard on this product…” No you haven’t, are you shitting me? Text spinning, a few edits, and some reformatting does not in any way or under any circumstances comprise hard work. If your child peeks at a neighbor’s test and copies the answers, do you commend them for their hard work? Fuck no… maybe their ballsiness, but not their hard work. Go fucking dig a ditch or put out a fire or write something original, that’s hard goddamn work that you can crow about afterward.
Second, “I feel it is a great game.” Well, that’s so nice of you to say. Oh, by the way — the game is 30+ fucking years old, the verdict on its merits came in a long time ago. Of course OD&D is a great game, that’s why you are shamelessly copying it. Hey everyone, in case you were on the fence about D&D it’s okay to like it now… DuBeers and Brave Halfling say it’s a great game! Whew, what a relief — it must have been hard work coming to that conclusion!
DuBeers (author of the most wretched Carcosa product imaginable) isn’t entirely to blame here, he got served up a big fat dumb softball by Brendan Falconer (I presume this is the same ‘Falconer’ on all the forums?) who’s jizzing in his pants for DD and wants everyone to know. Clicking on his profile Brendan looks like Sloth from The Goonies, but he has an active Heroquest website so I’ll cut him a little slack. Someone else comments that the game will be “worth the wait” — you’ve had over 3 motherfucking decades to buy it, pull the fucking trigger already…!
Your Dungeon Is Suck. 
How dare you sir? It’s VERY hard work to hold down the CTRL key while pressing X, C or V at the same time! Very hard work indeed!
There is an arrow bouncing off that wizard’s johnson. No wonder they are proud.
Delving what deeper? his cock?
I like your moxie babe, but you gotta throw some mix into your material. Keep things fresh.
Speaking of which, how am I doing on the variety fresh spice lately, YDIS? You would have been impressed with my loyalty yesterday the way I spammed Poag’s blog every chance I got. OCCUPY SUCKDUNGEON!
oh. I’ve disappointed my hero. 😦 Sorry…. you know how it is.. I am a chick, cock is on the brain.
No, the cock should be in of your three holes, unless you’ve got a hole in your skull. And why aren’t you in the kitchen? mmm… probably the other OhhEssArr pussies have pushed you out of it, understandable.
Please don’t make Christian cry again, GreenDrizzleshits. e’s already working a 12 step program now thanks to the OSR…
He’ll probably bake a pie or something after he takes a long walk with his surfboard on the beach at Big Sur in his apron.
Lordofgreen — oh good one. What’s wrong with being a three input woman?
John Adams might be a christianist rethuglican, but at least he isn’t some hook-nosed sheenie.
Newsflash!
My IP sleuthery has finally paid off.
In SPADES, baby!
YDIS = BLAIN NEUFELD A. K. A. the RPGPundit at theRPGSITE.com!
That guy isn’t the RPG Pundit.
But that’s the guy RPG Pundit wishes he was.
Speaking of cut and paste suckdungeons, anyone know what happened to the OSRIC Players Reference and the OSRIC Players Guide? Did WotC make them pull the first because it was shamelessly filled with copyrighted TSR ar, tand the latter because it had an (original) picture of a beholder in it?
That should be ‘shamelessly filled with TSR art, and…”
Fuck yeah, this is on target…
It needed to be said, and I thought the same thing when I first read that post. I’m sure he “worked hard” at it, for what it’s worth, but it sounds ridiculous when you consider the age of the original game, and how many times it has been rephrased recently in retroclone projects. How many of these will be enough? The differences are minor, the game is the same no matter what you call it or how many times you “rewrite” it. How can this be exciting to anyone? It’s another tired restating of D&D rules, with no real changes or additions.
You know, the more retroturds I see popping up every day, the more I have come to realize that D&D really is a stupid game played by social retards. I wonder if the guys who played RISK back then instead are less socially challenged, then and now? Fantasy really is a shit genre. If I had a time machine, I would go back in time, kill Gary and Dave, then release the world’s first roleplaying game based on something cooler like Planet of the Apes or Star Trek instead.
Fuck you JRT, you know what Gencon would look like now if you had created a RPG based on Planet of the Apes back in 1974? That’s right, a hairy, stinky, wrinkle faced banana party. And you think a Furry con is bad…damn, man, use your head!!!
Yeah, titty fucking Wrinklequim in some alternate universe wouldn’t be as sweet if she were a silverback gorilla I guess.
Most versions of RISK are for dorks. Only Narnia RISK is cool.
Same thing, different cut and paste given away free in an artless form but a sheckle or two for the copy with art. Lamentations of My Everbloating Waistline acts like he didn’t just dick around for five minutes with OD&D cause he INVENTED weird fantasy! Nevermind that he couldn’t come up with more than three or four original magic items cause he’s a lazy fucktard or that he’s such a fucking eunuch that he was too scared to add monsters to Lamentations of my Weeping Pus Filled Cock cause the IP police might come and get him. All under the guise of a monster entry would ruin ‘teh wurdness of my cut and paste job’. I pick on Lamentations of Original Thought and Game Design more than the other cut n’ pasters as Jimmy Dean on the Rag did a lazier than usual job and found a hilariously defensible position that his one or two minions flock to nod their heads in between bobbing their heads on Jim’s juvenile, penile, pole projection, he casually, smashingly refers to as; his dick.
OSR isn’t so much about spreading the love these days as trying to build a cult of personality around your cut n’ paste job so you have a peanut gallery to actively flock like screeching harpies around your every post and maybe manage to bamboozle some normal gamers not incestuously circle jerking the OSR blog-o-sphere to spend their hard earned quatloos on some crap rehash of a thirty year old game rather than giving those hard earned coppers to designers actually making… gosh a wholly original game.
The original D&D games in its various ‘original’ editions are easily found on Amazon or Ebay and cost less than the new cut and paste jobs.
Swords ‘n’ Wizardry’s free, and has the distinct advantage of being navigable at speed. I’m not saying I can’t parse the OD&D books but it’s definitely more work. Not that that’s any Vindication of the Rights of Retclones or anything: I’m glad that one cleaned-up free version of The Game As Was exists, but once it’s been done once it doesn’t need doing again. And again. And again.
Ah, but the creators of the cut n’ pasters would have you believe there is a veritable army of collectors snapping up every copy of every D&D book ever and they are sealing them away in a cave along with 16,000,000 copies of E.T. for the Atari 2600 thereby driving the price into costing a potential gamer a gazillion quatloos to purchase a copy. Thusly they are offering an easy (and they’d have you believe cheap) alternative of giving *them* money for their hard CTRL-C CTRL-V work rather than paying WAY TOO MUCH to the evil collectors.
I think JaMal has taken cut and paste and raised it to a profitable art form with Petty Gods. Not only has he conned his readership into emailing him the entire creative content of Pretty Gods, he has also suckered his artistically inclined followers to provide the artwork as well. All donations of petty gods and artwork shall be emailed to him, and he will then cut and paste it into place and do the lay out! But wait, even the lay out is a challenge for the great JaMal. Witness here as he asks how do I work Microsoft Word? (but not Word. Ever tight with a Canadian penny, the Artful Codger uses Open Office instead!): http://grognardia.blogspot.com/2011/10/help-requested.html I’m not sure if JaMal is asking for help, or passively trying to sucker someone to do the lay out for him in a real lay out program.
Of course it will be his artisan like skill at cutting and pasting from emails that will justify him keeping all the profits when he puts this big stinky turd up for sale!
Another retro clone? Holy shit, this is turning into another “how many fucking versions of the Macarena can we turn out”.
This makes me weep for the hobby.
The best analogy to the retroclone infestation is the Sitting On The Toilet copycat videos on YouTube. Now flush!
A euphemism for ‘Sitting On The Toilet’ should be ‘Posing For Poag’.
Delving Deeper? DD? Are these ant-brains for real? (eye-roll)
Alexis and I worked very hard on this table:
How to make your Cut and Paste Retroturd Stand Out!
Roll d20 for Result
1. FURRIES! Kittycats = Elves and Puppydogs = Halflings
2. Baby Rape (roll 1d6: on 1-3 add result 3.)
3. Baby Murder (roll 1d6: on 4-6 add result 2.)
4. Canibalism
5. Stefan Poag interior art (raping and shitting scenes)
6. Stefan Poag cover art (roll 1d6: on 1-3 raping scene, on 1-6 shitting scene)
7. Kiddy Porn (gay kind – see JaMal)
8. Kiddy Porn (straight kind – see Carcosa)
9. Weird Fantasy (DM and players must BYO Weird)
10. The Outre (DM and players must BYO Outre)
11. Sci Fi (DM and players must BYO Sci Fi)
12. My Suckdungeon is the tentpole!
13. Foreword by Rob Kuntz
14. Stick booklets in a box with cheap dice and a golf pencil and charge $150
15. NO BOOBIES!
16. PLENTY OF BOOBIES!
17. Plenty of boobies for raping, killing, demonic sacrifice and canibalism!
18. YouTube promo video panning and zooming in/out on Stefan Poag art
19. EVERYTHING IS RANDOM TABLES!
20. Fake WOTC CEASE & DESIST LETTER on the back cover!
Change the XP tables by 1XP per level and rename Elves ‘Fae’ and I think you might have something.
That and Add Lovecraft. Because nobody has ever thought to add Lovecraft.
Some corrections to the How to make your Cut and Paste Retroturd Stand Out! Table (if you had paid Alexis $100 toward his rectal cancer fund, you’d already have these):
1. FURRIES! Kittycats = Elves, Teddy Bears = Dwarves and Puppydogs = Halflings
13. Foreword by Rob Kuntz – about Rob Kuntz!
AsstroDickvicus can’t even defend this product that he supposedly edited. He’s resorted to copy/pasting a response when anyone his fevered mind thinks is against him comments on another blog. We should see his copy and paste blowjob shortly.