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REVIEW: D&D 5th Edition, by Hasbro, Inc.

July 3, 2014

Amazon got a little sloppy with fulfillment and I mistakenly received my D&D Starter Set nearly two weeks early. I was so excited I tore the box open with my teeth! Let me tell you, I was more than a little shocked at what I found inside…

I didn’t even make it past the dedication:

This game is dedicated to Hitler, who taught me so much about fighting for what you believe is right. R.I.P. U A reeel nigguh :: #finalsolution #YOLO #GODHATESFAGS :: Sincerely — Mike Mearls

I want to go on record here and say that that’s super not-chill with me. This is NOT how we grow the hobby and introduce a new generation of gamers to role playing. I call on Hasbro, Inc. to announce they do not agree with Mr. Mearls’ feelings and what they are going to do to ensure that Hitler is not a part of D&D in an official capacity. Maybe Elminster could do a PSA about tolerance and inclusion on the Dorkland! podcast, that might be a good place to start.

Please repost/link this review so we can get Hasbro’s attention and let them know we demand justice!!!

#NOhitlerD&D #shameonHasbro

812 Comments leave one →
  1. FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
    July 3, 2014 1:36 pm

    You are going to love this then:

    http://skinnyghost.tumblr.com/post/90675970892/i-think-these-two-paragraphs-might-be-the-best

    After five editions of D&D, this one paragraph gives me official permission in the core rules as written to play a tranny class, a thieving gypsy class, or a magical negro class!

    • July 3, 2014 2:38 pm

      Time to work on the “sodomancer” prestige class. Does GOPagan have any comprehensive posts about his horsecock sorcery?

    • justme permalink
      July 4, 2014 10:25 am

      A great step forward for LGBT gaymers, a step backward for people playing elf and dragon games with way too many frigging acronyms.

    • Mjollnir permalink
      July 4, 2014 5:52 pm

      Because no hobby, game or aspect of human behavior can be free of faggotry and retardedly gay shit like “You don’t need to be confined to binary notions of sex and gender”.

      • July 5, 2014 8:40 pm

        You seem genuinely upset about this. Did your mom find your stash of futanari hentai?

      • Mjollnir permalink
        July 5, 2014 11:17 pm

        I never understood why fags just can’t seem to accept the idea that some people don’t like them. This “if you don’t accept faggotry it must be because you’re secretly a faggot yourself” idea is just strange, it makes ZERO sense.

        Then again fags never did make much sense.

      • July 5, 2014 11:47 pm

        You need to watch this informative video. You seem to be more obsessed with cocks than Colonel Sanders and Frank Perdue combined. At the rate you’re going, you’ll end up in a hotel at Gen-Con getting spit-roasted by Kent and Alexis Tao.

      • Mjollnir permalink
        July 6, 2014 3:12 pm

        Probably gay – if your screen name is Bigby’s Lubed Fist.

      • July 6, 2014 5:05 pm

        And you’re definitely gay if you think straight people don’t do it. Really, come out of the closet, you’ll be much less better and hateful as a result.

      • Mjollnir permalink
        July 6, 2014 5:22 pm

        At least we agree that gays are “much less better”. LOL

      • kaptainvon permalink
        July 8, 2014 5:47 pm

        Apparently some people still need telling.

        Mind you, all of us have a tolerance event horizon somewhere. The word ‘futanari’ brings me out in hives, for some reason. >.>

  2. July 3, 2014 1:50 pm

    The footer on odd-numbered pages reads V1.0 while the footer on even-numbered pages reads V0.1

    WTF?

  3. turdburglar permalink
    July 3, 2014 2:12 pm

    Anyone who must be told to use their imagination while creating their charater really shouldn’t be playing D&D. Great. Now we’ll have to figure out all the new possible rape scenarios for the emotionally stunted mouth breathers to act out. Shit.

    • July 4, 2014 3:54 pm

      “I push the transgendered pirate captain onto the sand, I want hir to know this is not about sex, but about helping.”

  4. Timotheus permalink
    July 3, 2014 2:23 pm

    I bet the Hitler thing was just to appease the Pundick and zakattack. After all, it is proven that Hitler did make his way to Uruguay after the war (with minimal help from the Vril base in Antarctica), but more importantly have you ever seen Hitler, the Buttkiss, and zakina in the same room together?

    Damn, that blog post by kent many moons ago was prophetic after all.

    #NOhitlerD&D #shameonHasbro

    • July 3, 2014 2:41 pm

      Only I want to make something very clear: this is not really the basic PDF. Not the one I’ll put my final seal of approval on, anyways.

      As if he has any real say… he’s a precious fellow.

    • Mjollnir permalink
      July 6, 2014 3:48 pm

      #LGBTaliban

  5. July 3, 2014 2:35 pm

    #notallRPGs

  6. Arneson's Manboob permalink
    July 3, 2014 2:39 pm

    #dontbethatrpg

  7. FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
    July 3, 2014 3:30 pm

    #kentisgay

  8. Scott permalink
    July 3, 2014 7:42 pm

    #dndnowschwitz 😦

  9. FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
    July 3, 2014 8:39 pm

    And it still isn’t isn’t good enough for the trannies and queers (I can say queer right? They called themselves queers all during gay pride marches across the country last month):

    http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?730206-5e-Transgender-LGB-FINALLY!-Thanks!

    • justme permalink
      July 4, 2014 10:30 am

      No man, we can’t say Queer it’s their word, which when you think about it is a little strange.
      (Well I guess kunt can use it but, that’s beside the point and my awful pun)

    • Mjollnir permalink
      July 4, 2014 7:21 pm

      I have a question. Why should I (or anyone else) give a shit what LBGQTRUNDMC defectives say or think?

      • July 5, 2014 8:37 pm

        Because if you’re really into Asatru, you worship a cross-dressing god who hangs out with a genuine gender changing jotun. Any other stupid questions?

      • Mjollnir permalink
        July 5, 2014 11:11 pm

        1 – I never claimed to be Asatru.

        2 – Those a just silly fucking stories, not some kind of sacred scripture. If you’d like to make the argument that faggotry and cross-dressing was a divinely sanction practice among pre-Christian Teutons, go right ahead. Tacitus indicated otherwise.

        3 – Any man who isn’t attracted to attractive women is seriously fucked in the head. I can’t think of anyone’s opinion I could give a fuck about less than a faggot’s.

      • July 5, 2014 11:58 pm

        Seriously, dude, stop obsessing about what other guys do with their cocks. When I see two dudes walking down 6th Avenue hand-in-hand, I thank them for removing themselves from competing with me for ladies, while you seem to obsess about what they do with each others’ cocks. Honestly, as a straight American who doesn’t care what gay people do, I have to warn you that it’ll eventually come out that the dude you hired to lift your luggage turned out to be a male prostitute. It happens every time.

        Just chill out about other dude’s cocks, nobody else gives a shit.

      • July 6, 2014 3:57 am

        Is Mjollnir actually Greyhawk Grognard come to YDIS to vent his anger over gays in D&D? Inquiring minds want to know.

      • July 6, 2014 5:39 am

        Spoiler: both are dudes.

      • Timotheus permalink
        July 6, 2014 6:34 am

        Tacitus was a fag.

      • July 6, 2014 9:56 am

        Is Mjollnir actually Greyhawk Grognard come to YDIS to vent his anger over gays in D&D? Inquiring minds want to know.

        I don’t think so, G.G. probably pretends this place doesn’t exist, preferring to think himself “above” it. He doesn’t have the self-preservation instinct in meatspace to keep from supporting a political party that would be perfectly happy to see him burned at the stake, but he has the internet self-preservation instinct to avoid this place like hell.

        If I had to venture a guess, my money would be on Mjollnir actually being that white-supremacist “Vargr” guy who wanted to add another “K” to “Knights and Knaves”.

      • Mjollnir permalink
        July 6, 2014 11:50 am

        Spoiler: That gay bugs bunny shit was written by jews.

      • July 6, 2014 2:07 pm

        I didn’t realize that Mike Maltese was Jewish. Of course, since almost all Italian-Americans are Jewish, I guess we can safely assume he was.

        Spoiler: Mjollnir is full of shit.

      • Mjollnir permalink
        July 6, 2014 3:10 pm

        Produced by Eddie Selzer.

      • Mjollnir permalink
        July 6, 2014 3:44 pm

        “Honestly, as a straight American…”

        Bigby, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but once you’ve come out of the closet, you can’t go back in.

      • July 6, 2014 4:14 pm

        Producer does not mean writer. Get used to being wrong.

      • Mjollnir permalink
        July 6, 2014 4:32 pm

        Writers write what producers want produced.

        #HollywoodIsControlledByItalians

      • July 6, 2014 5:07 pm

        Bigby, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but once you’ve come out of the closet, you can’t go back in.

        You seem to be an expert on this. Are you the meth-head who blew Ted Haggert for money?

      • July 6, 2014 5:16 pm

        Mjollnir, you really are full of shit.

        You said “written by” and I proved you wrong.

        Of course, if moving goalposts helps you feel like a Real Man, don’t let anyone stop you.

      • Mjollnir permalink
        July 6, 2014 5:31 pm

        YDIS – Now with Jr. High Debate Club rules.

    • Radovarl permalink
      July 5, 2014 4:41 am

      How many people got banned in that thread since Thursday? Keeeeeee-rist. I stopped reading after 5 pages. Is this typical of RPGNet? Have to admit I don’t frequent the place, but these special snowflake politards need to find something… You know, like actually IMPORTANT to get all bent out of shape over.

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 5, 2014 7:44 am

        Jews and Palestinians are killing each other’s kids now with bullets and fire, children are starving to death in Africa, but Big Purple Dildo vows not to rest because a feeling was hurt when someone said “tranny”!

        #firstworldproblems #leftwingconservatives #tipper_gore’s_smelly_vagina

      • Mjollnir permalink
        July 5, 2014 4:06 pm

        #PoliticallyCorrectPuritans
        #NoOneExpectsTheProgressiveInquisition

      • the Temple of Elemental Bullshit permalink
        July 7, 2014 10:37 pm

        I thought FotU was exagerating about what a bunch of fucktards are over at big purple dildo. that thread is a case study in liberal douchebaggery.
        step out of line -BAN!!

    • July 7, 2014 1:43 am

      “YDIS – Now with Jr. High Debate Club rules.” ~ Mjollnir

      Maybe Mjollnir, it’s because they are trying communicate at your comprehension level.

      DAMMIT!
      I probably lost you past communicate…didn’t I?

      Maybe we should use smaller words or use bigger fonts?

  10. What a bunch of permalink
    July 3, 2014 11:36 pm

    So when the book stopped slobbering OSR cocks long enough to acknowledge vaginas and (gasp!) intersex people exist, everyone went up in arms. Predictable. And maybe the Basic pdf didn’t quite manage to grasp Zak’s and Pundit’s cocks in each hand hard enough to let their rotten ejaculate seep into the game, but you know they got to lovingly lick it for that old-school flavor taste test before it reached anyone’s hands.

    Maybe it’s not our favorite edition, but we sure can stay in comments sections being howlingly unfunny about how much we fear those durn gays and not-like-us people, pissing our pants with sheer terror at the idea that other people are allowed to exist within two paragraphs of a role-playing game while making nervous jokes about trannies and negroes. Maybe the comments section will make the huddled white male mass feel safe once again.

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 4, 2014 4:44 am

      Because nothing calls to epic fantasy adventure like a transgendered dwarf character dealing with tranny bias in the local tavern before s/he goes down into the dungeon to kill monsters and take their stuff.

      Also, you know the left wing conservatives who don’t want to see tits & ass in their fantasy art won’t have any problem seeing scantily clad gay men depicted with exaggerated codpieces.

      • PrinceofNothing permalink
        July 5, 2014 5:02 am

        Adequately put. The inclusion of a statement on permitted gender diversity and the presence of transsexuals dealing with their issues in an elfgame has as much place as a 5-page long tract on Economic Philosophy in between rules for bows and +1 swords and dragons. Nothing prevented you from making tranny elves or gay butfucking ogres or whatever the hell you wanted before 5e, yet 5e feels the insipid need to curtsy towards the howling, hairy, dress-wearing strapon-crowd clawing at the brass gates of rpg-dom, garish make-up endlessly competing with thick, greasy beards for attention. All the cynicism of 4e, reborn and repackaged in a shiny Osr coat.
        You don’t need to inform us that its okay to make our transexual buttsecks elves, since we either A) are normal, functioning members of society and therefore do not have the desire to play gay butfucking elves nor care about the plight of transgendered characters in a make pretend fantasy world of adventure and dragons or B) we are trannies hyper interested in the sexual emancipation of make pretend fantasy worlds and therefore our campaigns will already contain copious amounts of gay buttfucking elves trapped in female bodies or whatever.

        #BurnInHellYouCynicalAssholes

      • the Temple of Elemental Bullshit permalink
        July 8, 2014 4:46 pm

        After the Orcs on lvl 2 beat the dwarf down
        ….

        “Pick yo fuckin’ beard weave up!”

      • kaptainvon permalink
        July 8, 2014 5:50 pm

        “Also, you know the left wing conservatives who don’t want to see tits & ass in their fantasy art won’t have any problem seeing scantily clad gay men depicted with exaggerated codpieces.”

        I’m rather looking forward to it, actually. #notalllefties

  11. Timotheus permalink
    July 4, 2014 6:22 am

    More Christo-facist righteous anger at 5e being leftist, tranny-inclusive indoctrination – and he brought Doctor Strange with him to make his point!

    http://www.scifiwright.com/2014/07/dungeons-and-perverts/

    Bunch of dickbrains – some can’t tell the difference between Mattel and Hasbro, most have never rolled dice.

    • July 4, 2014 12:59 pm

      Even more offensively, he misuses the word “recondite” in his post on Jack Vance’s The Last Castle.

    • PrinceofNothing permalink
      July 5, 2014 5:05 am

      Shiiit ive read that author and he is otherwise pretty good. Ah whatever.

  12. Fucktard's Everfull Ass permalink
    July 4, 2014 6:46 am

    WotC is damned if they do and damned if they don’t. We live in a hypersensitive world now full of eggshell-fragile identities and egos. Some liberals go apeshit, gnashing teeth, tearing hair and screaming about Nazi-like human rights violations if there’s not a clumsy, hamfisted outreach to the 1% of society that is minority group X. Some conservatives go apeshit if there is. I wish we could send both types of speical snowflake fringe morons to Planet Dumb Fucking Asshole to live with John Adams.

  13. July 4, 2014 7:52 am

    The special flaw is not intersexed monsters with snail private parts.

    The special flaw is so overall its all-encompassing.

    This is supposed to be a basic introduction to a game and its about as interesting as memorizing all the names in the phonebook under the letter you rolled up on an alphabetic chart so that we can start playing tomorrow a game that involves fighting matching syllable combos by percentage frequency and this is the mock miniature phonebook for the basic version.

    D&D was a good idea based on detailed play of a wargame. Original AD&D was a refined continuation of that. Other rpgs were usually a blend of two parts greed and one part recklessness verging on nerdiness that this game idea could be used in any formula. Many of us can agree that the current D&D product is no longer D&D the game that you have to check out. So why bother complaining?

    I think the road back to D&D for the product involves:

    1) No skill functions let the players play
    2) Late 19th-mid-20th century looking back to the past for fiction style and looks
    3) No pennies-a-word design that has a block of filler of any kind
    4) No pre-made “wurlds” when it drifts let it drift into bizarre monsters
    5) Most importantly, no catering to any kind of fandom keep it legends, myth and folklore in scope

    and for this blog:

    6) the public execution of all D&D designers

    • July 4, 2014 11:40 am

      Gene,

      What is it with you and your animosity towards skills? What would the 1E Thief class be without skills? If you’re into “let the players play,” why not get rid of skills AND abilities? (That would be dangerously narrativist wouldn’t it?)

      You say this basic introduction is uninteresting. Remember, this is free PDF, no-frills BASIC. D&D is like a burrito at Chipotle, it needs to be made to your own taste. This 5E download is like a tortilla and brown rice. (You need to dump skills and some other stuff to get white rice.) YOU decide the meat and toppings. Not everybody likes the corn salsa, but if you want extra sour cream — go for it!

      Your “road back” is, indeed, a step backwards and it’s not going to happen. Wizards gotta make money and to do that, they need D&D to appeal to a wide demographic. I think they’re trying to accomplish that. They see what happened with 4E; they see what’s happening with Pathfinder. The answer is not exclusion, it’s inclusion.

      • i forgot how much i like burritos permalink
        July 4, 2014 3:12 pm

        Fuck dude, you are really into Chipotle.

      • July 5, 2014 2:33 pm

        Don’t judge me

      • Never forget to judge black beans permalink
        July 5, 2014 4:16 pm

        Haha, never!

    • July 4, 2014 3:58 pm

      Snail private parts, Gene? I’ll have you know, Gene, that snail dongs are alarming.

      • July 4, 2014 4:00 pm

        Turtle dongs too, Gene..,

        #notalldongs

      • justme permalink
        July 6, 2014 6:31 am

        Ever see a failsnail? Most perverted monster ever.

      • July 6, 2014 9:57 am

        Those flails are really dongs.

        #notallflails

      • Mjollnir permalink
        July 6, 2014 5:33 pm

        Bigby’s Lubed Fist – Expert in all things dong-related and defender of LGBTQMZX rights. Nothing suspicious about that…

      • July 6, 2014 6:26 pm

        It’s called science, bitch!

        I guess you’re the genuine retard in this troll blog… it was bound to happen.

      • Mjollnir permalink
        August 27, 2014 6:14 pm

        Bigby – I’m not saying you’re WRONG, I’m just saying that your extensive knowledge of dongs tells us something about you. We all choose to learn about things we’re interested in…

  14. justme permalink
    July 4, 2014 10:35 am

    I wonder what tables you have to roll on to generate a cross-dressing dwarf that self identifies as a troll but is only into gay elf power-bottom bears?

  15. Angry Gamer >:( permalink
    July 4, 2014 8:44 pm

    What a shit show!

    http://www.therpgsite.com/showthread.php?t=29974

    Human Garbage from that Piece of Shit RPGPundit’s Site:
    1989
    jeff37923
    Tyndale
    Brad
    Eisenmann
    S’mon
    Snowman0147
    Haffrung

    I hope each of those homophobic assholes is disemboweled and shit upon in their mouths while they are forced to watch their children sodomized by escaped convicts who haven’t had sex in a very, very, very long time!!!!

    • Sykirobme permalink
      July 5, 2014 12:01 pm

      Larsdangly and Sacrosanct are WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY more strident and annoying in that thread than anyone on your list. Even more than that idiot 1989, which is saying a whole fucking lot.

    • Mjollnir permalink
      July 5, 2014 5:21 pm

      Wow, you fags sure are lovely people. I wonder why anyone wouldn’t like you.

      • PrinceofNothing permalink
        July 6, 2014 5:10 am

        Hi Kent!

      • justme permalink
        July 6, 2014 6:25 am

        I didn’t have to wrap the purple dildo in barbed-wire and use it all by myself, so not lonely.

      • Mjollnir permalink
        July 6, 2014 5:34 pm

        Hi whoeverthefuckyouare!

    • Fucktard's Everfull Ass permalink
      July 5, 2014 7:54 pm

      Oh Angry Gamer, you guys perfect for each other. You go shove a jar of pickels up your ass until you die; they can hammer themselves to a cross and let the buzzard pick their eyes out. The rest of us can play D&D in peace without fringe elements like you and them waging culture wars through a silly fucking game.

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 6, 2014 5:18 am

      EAT DA POO POO?

  16. July 4, 2014 10:20 pm

    How long until Mike Mornard starts popping off about 5e Dungeons & Dragqueens? That’s kind of his thing. He’s got that book to sell so he probably realizes now is not the time to start flinging turds, but this must be killing him.

  17. July 5, 2014 9:16 pm

    I finally got around to creating my first 5E character, a mid-transition F to M transgendered magic-user named Elquimster. My goal is to advance the character to 9th level, because Transmute Cock to Muff is a 5th level spell, according to the PHB.

    • Radovarl permalink
      July 6, 2014 5:22 am

      Classic.

    • kaptainvon permalink
      July 8, 2014 5:53 pm

      You sure you’re not playing FATAL?

  18. FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
    July 6, 2014 5:54 am

    Cards against humanity is probably the most non-PC game out there right now with cards about big black man dicks and other stereotypes, but somehow the she-male trannies are awarded protected species status? https://yourdungeonissuck.wordpress.com/2014/07/03/review-dd-5th-edition-by-hasbro-inc/#comments

  19. July 6, 2014 10:37 am

    The big question now is, which of the Cleric/Thief grifters will use a “won’t somebody, please, think of the children?” appeal to try to convince people to buy his crappy retroclone rather than Hasbro’s perverted product?

    • Mjollnir permalink
      July 6, 2014 3:37 pm

      I’m actually hoping that the queer brigades DON’T think of the children.

      #RussiaIsRight

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 6, 2014 7:13 pm

        Pro Tip: You got to mix it up a bit. Otherwise you run the risk of everyone assuming you’re a little too preoccupied with the gay and therefore probably gay yourself. Why not tell us how you feel about blacks and Jews next?

        Caveat: It’s okay to call Kent gay whenever you get the chance.

        #HatersBall #AchtungJudenVerboten #friedchickenandwatermellon #closetcasehomo

      • July 6, 2014 7:51 pm

        Pro Tip: You got to mix it up a bit. Otherwise you run the risk of everyone assuming you’re a little too preoccupied with the gay and therefore probably gay yourself. Why not tell us how you feel about blacks and Jews next?

        Just scroll up:

        Spoiler: That gay bugs bunny shit was written by jews.

        Like I said above, he’ll spend the majority of Gencon getting spit-roasted by Kent and Alexass.

      • PrinceofNothing permalink
        July 6, 2014 11:53 pm

        I wish to take a moment to humbly apologize to Kent for mistaking him for our newest and bestest Asatru friend Mjollnir. I should have noticed the distinct lack of the more esoteric nouns and verbs of the english language that so characterises our bog-dwelling compatriot and distinguishes him from the more common garden variety Troll. Wherever your Rectum is Kent, know that it is sorely missed(By all the Homos).

        #ComebackandTalkAboutColumboKent#Nohomo#WITCHLAND4LIFE

      • July 7, 2014 1:49 am

        I must apologize as well Mjollnir. I might have mistaken you for a more erudite and composed (but equally screwe up) persona known as Greyhawk Grognard/Joe Bloch…but you ain’t him.

        So, my bad.

        CRAP!

        I probably lost you around erudite again didn’t I?

      • Mjollnir permalink
        July 7, 2014 3:15 pm

        Thanks for the Pro-tip bro. You my #1 nigga!

        And now a lesson of Tolerance.

      • July 8, 2014 2:38 pm

        Mjollnir, was that produced and written by a person of Jewish or Italian ancestry? Or both? Or neither?

      • Mjollnir permalink
        July 8, 2014 3:38 pm

        I don’t know, you’d have to ask anti-racist Hitler himself.

        https://twitter.com/AntiRHitler

        #openbordersforisrael

        http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ46q_VaUxFZ6CbLX0ul4TEHAZEmraIi2qBZRHMIpnGJ2xGMJwV

  20. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    July 6, 2014 4:58 pm

    Bust out the incense and keep the wet wipes handy in case of accident, cause this is going to be a rough game with DF’ers at the table tonight. Who mentioned burritos earlier?

    http://www.dragonsfoot.org/forums/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=66750

    • July 7, 2014 7:02 pm

      I just designed a new RPG about RPG players, a metagame if you will, called Fatbeards and Flatus. The main feature of the game is the random flatus table- roll d100 thrice to determine what each player character has eaten, and use the gas matrix to determine the time, duration, and frequency of farts. After the degree and frequency of flatulence has been determined, players roll on the miasma table to determine the stench of each particular outburst. On a roll of 20, players have to roll on the Critical Shit chart to determine any liquid/solid content of a fart.

      I’m going to be rolling out a Kickstarter, more properly a Kicksharter, soon. Just wait until you see the stretch goals.

      • July 8, 2014 6:07 am

        I’m going to wait for the LARP version.

      • Fatty McNeckbeard permalink
        July 28, 2014 8:32 pm

        Finally, someone came up with the rules FATAL always needed! Thanks, BLL!

  21. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    July 6, 2014 5:08 pm

    “I’m sorry, but I just cannot get past the idea of girl gamers sitting at the table ripping their jeans while I am trying to save a fantasy-make-believe world from destruction.

    Where do I sign up.”

    Wow. Thorkhammer just can’t get by on lovely estrogen anymore. Now he wants to whiff chick farts. There is no thread he cannot bring females up in. He’s like Benny Hill of the blOwSR – though in reality he looks more like the little old man Benny used to thump on the head.

  22. Radovarl permalink
    July 7, 2014 6:05 am

    Off-topic, but I just now happened across this little gem from our favorite EHP cult leader, Venger Satanis. An interview with Ligotti. He must have been in a strange mood (okay, stranger than usual) to bother answering these idiotic questions from a certifiable nutcase; one gets the sense TL is entertaining himself. My favorite quote:

    VS: […] I consider you to be the earth’s greatest living writer.

    TL: Okay.

    • July 7, 2014 8:27 am

      VS: Ever played a roleplaying game, like Dungeons & Dragons? If so, then what was it like for you?

      TL: No, I’ve never played a role-playing game.

      I can imagine Vaginer had about 2,618 followup questions if the answer had been in the affirmative. Probably had pregens and dice ready.

  23. Recovering Retard permalink
    July 7, 2014 8:54 am

    So, when do these guys get a special write-up in D&D – 6e?
    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/10948796/Paedophilia-is-natural-and-normal-for-males.html

    Will they also get their own special sandwich at Burger King?

    Also, in regards to the Proud Whopper – did those poor moo-moos choose to be brutally slaughtered? I don’t see how those nice gay people could contribute to the Bloody Bovine Holocaust, unless their agenda was more valuable than the lives of those poor innocent creatures! I have never heard a cow call someone a ‘faggot’! My goodness!

    Meanwhile, I’ll await the day when one can go to McDonalds and order a McFat Longpig, and feel no shame in eating it.

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 7, 2014 9:11 am

      #make_mine_chick-fil-a

    • justme permalink
      July 7, 2014 10:40 am

      Hmmm i wonder if the Straight Foot Long Wiener would sell well? “Grab it with both hands and stuff it in your mouth, we dare you.”

    • Radovarl permalink
      July 7, 2014 10:51 am

      I feel Eurotrash today, so make mine a Royale with Cheese (or we could just call it a Queenburger). And fer chrissakes, what about all of the poor kangaroos that went into these burgers without recognition? Hater.

    • July 7, 2014 11:51 am

      I’m diggin’ those BK seapunk chicks.

      • July 7, 2014 12:27 pm

        I liked the lesbian MILFs at the end. I may not be hoisting the rainbow flag, but the purple banner is at full staff.

  24. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    July 7, 2014 11:32 am

    Clearly, Thorkhammer is my new blOwSR hero (till Bloodymage gets back on his Blooey feet). Will you give him some money so he can go to a con and stare, drooling, at whatever passes for a female there?

    http://www.dragonsfoot.org/forums/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=66791

    • justme permalink
      July 7, 2014 11:51 am

      It’s not selfish for him to ask, a bum with a kickstarter is easier to step around than a bum on a sheet of cardboard on the sidewalk.

    • justme permalink
      July 7, 2014 11:54 am

      It might be nice to have sex with 1000 women before I die, would it be wrong to start a kick starter top get that financed (including legal fees when the wife finds out)? Heck, I’ll even film it, that’s gotta be good for a few laughs. I’ll even play D&D with them in their underwear as a stretch goal.

    • July 7, 2014 12:25 pm

      It’s weird, because he’s one of the few who’s actually pushed product. He probably could have cobbled together a “special” module to fund his trip, and guilt-tripped the unblown into buying it. “Buy my module and I’ll personally run it at the con!”

      In an uncharacteristically sentimental mood, after reading about Blooey’s tumor woes, I checked out his shop at drive-thru RPG, but I balked when I saw that he’s asking for fifteen bucks for a PDF of his modules. Fuck, I can buy a bottle of cheap booze and drink away the sentiment for that. Somebody should gently break to him that nobody’s going to pay fifteen bucks for a skimpy PDF from a loopy amateur. I know the ASE guy tried to give it to Blooey straight, but it was all to no avail.

  25. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    July 7, 2014 1:26 pm

    CKDB:
    Hello Tim. Thank you for agreeing to be my best friend, and for making time to do this interview.

    Thomas Ligoti:
    Call me Mr. Ligoti. Categorically we are not friends, not even of an accidental temporary sort.

    CKDB:
    Eh … I’ve lost my train of thought … oh yeah, do you prefer women’s butts or your own butt?

    TL:

    CKDB:
    Eh … I mean is your wife still alive or where did you bury her?

    TL:
    That is a trick question. My wife has been vacationing in Sumatra for the last decade.

    CKDB:
    So, have you ever taken a fancy to someone who bullied you? Is anyone bullying you these days? Is there an opening there?

    TL:
    You are perceptive in a sub-human defective mode, however, I am here to answer questions about the reality behind perception and the insights on this philosophy I cast in the form of fiction for neglected children, ostracised teenagers, despised youths and vicious gibbering loons like you.

    CKDB:
    OK, if we must discuss your work, of late I have been less and less impressed with your stories than when I had access to everything you wrote in the asylum library. Your books are so expensive on the second-hand market, but as I say now that I am no longer confined I have become … disenchanted. I have grown to love the man more than his ideas. Comprendez-vous mon cheri? Would you like to grasp my buttocks with your hairy hands?

    TL:
    If I must.

  26. mandi morbid's fat rolls permalink
    July 7, 2014 3:25 pm

    The G+ faggot lovefest is in full-swing for zakattack, seems all his sheep are coming to his defense for being a ‘homophobe’.

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 7, 2014 7:41 pm

      Here’s the facts:

      Zak S: despite all his other flaws, he’s not a homophobe. In fact, he loves the gay sex. He’s a degenerate, and those types stick together. Big Purple Dildo hates him because he doesn’t share their left wing conservative views on chainmail bikinis, so naturally that makes him a homophobic sexist pig.

      RPGPundit: Now that he’s (supposedly) an industry big shot for being a D&D playtester, he is living in constant fear of his homophobic comments about an old Green Ronin RPG called BLUE ROSE coming back to haunt him, but Bruce Baugh et al. will never let him forget. Since he wants everyone to think he actually has some say on what gets published or not, he can’t be a fag hater anymore because D&D 5e is not going to change its progressive stance on gays and trannies no matter what he believes, so he’s jumped on the pro-gay pro-tranny bandwagon to save face.

      And no matter what side of the issue you fall on, you know I called it, just like RPGPundick likes to call ’em.

      • Timotheus permalink
        July 8, 2014 6:37 am

        Ah, but here is the Buttdip’s latest caveat – according to a thread onthe Shite, he did not actually playtest the game! He was a “paid consultant” – which he uses as an excuse for dodging one of his poster’s challenges to show what he actually did.

        So he did nothing more than comment on the layout – and I am guesssing the same for Zakattack.

        translation: they were paid to say good things and lend crdibility in certain noisy quarters.

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 8, 2014 7:38 am

        The more that blowhard Pundick talks, the more it all makes sense. RPGPundit and Zak S were paid OFF consultants, apparently, with very little meaningful contribution to the actual product.

      • kaptainvon permalink
        July 8, 2014 5:57 pm

        Don’t remind me that Blue Rose exists. That was uncalled for. I’m still not sure what’s more disappointing, that or Novarium.

      • July 8, 2014 7:03 pm

        @Timotheus
        @FotU

        #paidshillamirite

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 9, 2014 7:31 am

        I called it! Degenerates stick together: http://www.therpgsite.com/showthread.php?t=30022

        #thinkofthechildren #BoycottHasbro

  27. Interview permalink
    July 7, 2014 6:14 pm

    YDIS:
    Freddy, what do you think of YDIS, paying attention to the masculinity of those commenting here. Are we manly do you think?

    Freddy Mercury of the Lady Rock Band QUEEN:
    Bunch of Fags. OOOooohhh Yeeaahh Booboo BeeDoo !!! Yeeaahh !!

    YDIS:
    Go brush your teeth.

  28. Let me tell you about my character permalink
    July 7, 2014 6:46 pm

    I suppose it’s all well and good these days to introduce children to binary notions of sex and gender and new vocabulary words like androgynous and hermaphroditic, but to throw in that bit about the female bearded dwarf discrimination is, perforce, the antithesis of weal.

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 7, 2014 7:30 pm

      Don’t worry (be happy). The blOwSR will make sure your kids don’t get exposed to any gays or trannies to distract them from kiddie porn rape somatic spell components in their suckdungeons.

  29. July 7, 2014 8:50 pm

    I don’t think YOUR DUNGEON IS SUCK is the platform for standing up for sexuality of any kind. That said, I’ve had people of all stripes play D&D. In fact, you might not be aware of this but I disclosed publicly sometime ago that I had a weird D&D related incident with a pedophile.

    When I was 13, my grandmother’s friend’s nephew was an adult who “played Dungeons & Dragons just like me”. He kept talking about the Imperial Dragon from DRAGON magazine that he had in his apartment. So when I went in there and he was very nervous. All I had was a 1981 BASIC set, a 1981 EXPERT set and the MONSTER MANUAL so he said I could borrow his PLAYERS HANDBOOK because he didn’t use it anymore. Then I left first chance because he seemed scared of something. I didn’t take crap from anybody at that time. About ten years later, someone told me he was in jail and he was a pedophile of boys. I was fucking mortified. I always thought he was alright and I was shocked as hell.

    So you clowns can joke about sex perversions but don’t forget there are real stories attached to it and real people. Rape and molestation of any flavor is fucked.

    That said, what product has “blowSR kiddie rape”? And should we be joking about it?

    • July 7, 2014 9:54 pm

      Here ya go, Gene. Time to use your mind-flayer moderation to clean up this hobby.

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 8, 2014 4:46 am

        I love how the publisher (Faggi IV) wrote that review.

      • Radovarl permalink
        July 8, 2014 5:37 am

        In all fairness, this is a review of the ORIGINAL disgusting fantasy RPG for 3 or more knuckle-dragging trogolodytes ages 21 and over, not the 2nd edition published by LotFap. I can only imagine how much more over-the-top that version went.

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 8, 2014 7:42 am

        Ah, thanks Radvarl. And I do want to be fair, even to creepy stalker Raggi.

        After all, there are plenty of legitimate reasons to hate Zak S and subsequently not purchase D&D5e because of it, but homophobia isn’t one of them.

      • Hansgruber permalink
        July 20, 2014 5:32 pm

        Carcosa should really have been the first clue.

    • Timotheus permalink
      July 8, 2014 6:29 am

      Gene, nobody gives a shit about your opinions of what should be on YDIS. Nobody is aware of your life experiences – how the fuck would we know what happenned to you when you were 13? And why the fuck should we care? I care more about starving trannies in africa than you.

      And most importantly, we are the ones who expose the blOwSR for what they really are. Carcosa has been called on the carpet for the kiddie-rape fantasy spells from day one.

      Pay fucking attention to the outside world every now and then, rather than the blaring trumpets and sinister voices in your own head.

      Dumbfuck.

      • Hansgruber permalink
        July 20, 2014 5:38 pm

        Its like you mouth breathers do not understand or know where the name Carcosa comes from. Hint… the Robert W. Chambers novel called King in yellow published in 1895.

        You also get the Carcosa reference in the HBO series True Detective. In the show Carcosa was a place where evil men raped and murdered children and many of the local political powers were involved.

        Can not blame the OSR for copying sick stuff from HBO and old literature.

        #READABOOK

    • July 8, 2014 8:44 am

      I didn’t take crap from anybody at that time.

      This was before Mike Breault, obviously.

      • Timotheus permalink
        July 8, 2014 10:53 am

        Too true! Gene showed his ass faster than Zakattack at a alt-porn convention when Breault showed up at the KKK Alehouse with facts.

  30. Let me tell you about my character permalink
    July 7, 2014 9:21 pm

    YDIS is where I go for all my discussion of sex and D&D.

    I’m predicting bestiality for 6th edition, along with a revival of the whole satanic hysteria.

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 8, 2014 4:45 am

      I love how the publisher (Faggi IV) wrote that review.

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 8, 2014 4:45 am

        This belongs above.

  31. Let me tell you about my character permalink
    July 7, 2014 9:32 pm

    “Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion.”

    — Leviticus 18:23

    Damn right it’s confusion! That’s why we need official rules for it in the next Monster Manual.

    • Mjollnir permalink
      July 9, 2014 8:45 pm

      It’ll be under “K” for “Kardashians”

  32. FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
    July 8, 2014 4:53 am

    I’ll just leave this here.

    Next time Blooey, Kickstart the Blooey Eggs, not the entire convention.

  33. Timotheus permalink
    July 8, 2014 6:52 am

    Alright, scroll down to post 1299 where the Buttkiss admits he was not a playtester, just bought off:

    http://www.therpgsite.com/showthread.php?t=29795&page=130

    And his duties as a “paid consultant” kept him busy for two staright weeks so he could not respond to a poster’s challenge – but curiously, he has many other posts on the Shite during that time.

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 8, 2014 7:44 am

      I wonder how Hasbro is enjoying their paid (off) consultant now?

  34. July 8, 2014 7:07 am

    Alright, I checked out this Carcosa when it came out but I don’t recall the line that is used in that review (Which is pretty much like asking to get the shit kicked out of you.) I’m going to read the version which that line about rape/strangling is sourced from to give it an honest look before going apeshit.

    I vaguely recall this person who wrote Carcosa being on my forum around the time (2002-2003?) when everyone there was talking about F.A.T.A.L. (a free game system on the internet that had details for sex interaction.). I recall them having a slight interest in Cthulhu mythos but otherwise seemed to be an affable person. (There was another anonymous person on my forum that I was really worried about who made some lurid comments that freaked me out but it wasn’t “Geoffrey”. Their name was simply “Traveller”.) Back then I had defended F.A.T.A.L. because it had elements of actual medievalism therefore it was at least trying something. Something weird but somewhat useful. I didn’t see anything remotely like that in the version of the McKinney book that I saw. It just seemed like a really mediocre D&D freebie that was vapid Lovecraft in the same old Chaosium manner.

    Okay… whew, I just read a colored version cover. The one that I originally read was the “Expurgated version”. Okay, this seems like its sickening wish-fulfillment type play the way it is written. The clearest sign is that there is no imagination except for these elaborations which seem like he (she?) (Geoffrey McKinney) is getting back at those mean girls from high school.

    There was recently a cannibal cop who had his conviction overturned even though he was building up to his fantasy and never did anything. On that measure, what is McKinney’s crime? They can’t design an interesting fantasy world without using tried and true elements from the public domain wrapped in serial killer thinking? Alright back to the cannibal cop analogy. He was let go. Legally that is. But… did McKinney do something worse than just fantasize? Is the McKinney book beyond just a piece of upsetting mediocre game fiction? Is it a By-The-Numbers/Do-It-Yourself violent sex fantasy justification for future demented minds?

    I’m afraid that if this is okay with someone I don’t think that I’d want to play a game with them.

    As for the Flame Princess producer’s intimate association with this version that suggests they’re quite aware of the content which is even more careless.

    As an aside the McKinney book version that I read was not wrapped in this 1990’s second edition D&D style art and layouts. Now that might even trump the criminal misogynistic elaborations…

    Just kidding!

    I think if McKinney and Flame Princess (Raggi?) come forward with an apology then I think they could move on but until then my mind has been made up. This could have easily been left to the imagination with careful presentation and it wasn’t. I’m surprised the language isn’t lewd and boorish in the descriptions. People give Lovecraft a hard time because of his 1930’s pulp magazine palette being too crude for popular modern sensibilities but this McKinney game is Lovecraft-related in the most superficial way possible.

    Its like a banal Stuart Gordon RPG with a XXX rating.

    • justme permalink
      July 8, 2014 8:21 am

      Anyone getting in a fluster over Carcosa in regards to the actual content is really just a boring snerd. Oh no there are six or seven gross evil rituals with some description as to why they are gross evil rituals. People should be pissed anyone thinks “hex 1503 Ulfire Mold” is an adequate write-up for an encounter placed in a 10 mile hex and sells a book with several dozen encounters just as “detailed”. It’s the lack of content needed to play the F’n thing that is a crime not the imagined vile rites of rainbow hued candy-people.

      • Radovarl permalink
        July 8, 2014 8:44 am

        …”the margined rites of rainbow hued candy people.”

        Damn, and I was just about to announce my R-rated Adventure Time inspired RPG, Lamentations of the Bubble Gum Princess. Cause we all know (okay, probably not) that Peppermint Butler ain’t right.

      • July 8, 2014 8:44 am

        Imagined ^^^

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 9, 2014 6:30 am

        Yes, Carcosa meets all the criteria necessary for suckdungeon status.

      • Hansgruber permalink
        July 20, 2014 5:46 pm

        That Peppermint Butler is Lawful evil

        #PBisaCommie

    • July 8, 2014 8:39 am

      Gene, did you actually LOOK at F.A.T.A.L.? What “elements of actual medievalism” does it contain? What do you think is “somewhat useful” about it — the anal circumference rules?

      Also, it has SKILLS!!! Oh noes!

      • justme permalink
        July 8, 2014 8:45 am

        It must have been those traced and filtered shots of larpers in crappy costumers that spelled out medievalism. (in the version I saw at least).

    • Mjollnir permalink
      July 8, 2014 3:18 pm

      Carcosa is an awesome elevator pitch, too bad it was never actually developed into a product.

      • Timotheus permalink
        July 8, 2014 7:43 pm

        Yeah, if only the abuse and killing of all 11-year old ulmfire and the 27 other non-mjollnir-appreciating races had more solid mechanics, as developed through actual play in Carblowsa, it would be a product. Plus, if you could fuck chthulu, or at least a shoggoth, for verisimilitude. And product identity.

      • Mjollnir permalink
        July 9, 2014 8:00 am

        Dinosaurs, Cthulhu mythos, space aliens, ray guns, sorcery. That’d be a cool setting. As it stands Carcosa is just a teaser of such a setting + Geoffery’s serial killer fantasies, the latter being why Raggi published it.

      • Hansgruber permalink
        July 20, 2014 5:48 pm

        It was, once in 1895 when it was in the book King in Yellow and again a few years back when it was detailed in HBO series True Detective.

        #LEAVEYOBASEMENT

      • July 20, 2014 7:31 pm

        @Hansgruber

        Chambers took Carcosa from Ambrose Bierce (1891).

        Also, True Detective was “a few years back”? You mean all the way back in 2014? Shit, time flies, doesn’t it?

        Why don’t you come back and visit us when you have a clue, fucktard?

        #countthehexes

  35. July 8, 2014 9:55 am

    FATAL contained body properties and spells that were very medieval in aspect. I had arrived at the same place with many spells and classes that I had devised. I can’t recall specifics because I can’t find the original document from 2000-2001 that I looked at. There is revised version from 2004 out there but this isn’t familiar at all so I can’t speak for that. That version really seems odd. I remember private part measurements but not all the sex and sacrifice details. Expansion? Well, I certainly can’t endorse that.

    • justme permalink
      July 8, 2014 10:19 am

      One of the “private part” measurements and rules in the earlier edition most certainly dealt with anal circumference/integrity and how much damage one could suffer if raped. It is and was far nastier and viler puerile piece of crap than anything put out by Lamentationsofthenameistoodamend long.

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 8, 2014 10:57 am

        I wonder what Kent’s anal integrity score would be…..

      • July 8, 2014 1:53 pm

        Judging from their comments, Kent’s rectum has more integrity than Kent.

    • July 8, 2014 10:49 am

      You know this whole OSR bull crap is just 1990’s free rpgs wearing a nostalgia dress anyway.

      Some people moan that I’m responsible for the OSR but if you look at all these clowns in the OSR they’re all rooted in DHD&D (Dead Horse Dungeons & Dragons) which if you were on my forum, in the early 2000s with all these OSR people, I was always saying get that corpse out of here and start fresh ( I literally sent some of these OSR mainstays packing). They took only some of what I was saying and just kept on skillin’. Now we’ve got these transvestite OSR abominations that look like something you’d like but they’re what general players don’t like underneath. Perfect example would be DUNGEON CRAWL CLASSICS. Its same old formula layout of 1/4 of a module inside like Second Edition AD&D. However, it can’t put on that 2E dress style or they can’t trick old gamers into buying it. This is more or less THE problem with OSR. That GROGNARDIA dude for example has his feet planted into the dirt of Second Edition AD&D. I have nothing to do with OSR except if you’re confused. I represent what the OSR should have been.

      I can relate to the buyers of that OSR garbage as they go through the stages of loss and grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Why? Because it is just like its always been with “fake D&D” (Lorraine Williams, etc.).

      On the home front, I have proved in the modern age that D&D does not require any skills whatsoever with die hard gamers right off the street with my open-to-the-public AD&D campaign (2005-2007). So what is the energy behind this “mock Gary Gygax minstrel show” that makes it keep on going?

      Its these 2E-enies (pronounced “tweenies”) they just can’t get it that FORGOTTEN REALMS and DRAGONLANCE are NOT D&D to people who played before that bile was introduced. That shit is like a calendar of big-eyed fairies in contemporary settings and everybody wants a castle of fiery darkness that is out of time. You are never going to be playing an actual D&D game if you keep pushing cumbersome game systems with a handicap of extra narratives and dialogue.

      B-B-BUT, GENE, I LOVE THAT STUFF….

      Shut the fuck up and get over it. There has been so much of this style that its redundant to pay anymore attention to it. You don’t need any OSR to play classic AD&D modules. You can’t use skills in the classic letter series. That is moronic at stage one.

      • Timotheus permalink
        July 8, 2014 10:57 am

        Gene W. – “Some people moan that I’m responsible for the OSR”

        Bullshit. Not one person says this. You pulled the wool over a couple of gullible fucks at the KKK alehouse, but you fooled no one with any intellectual substance.

        So stop lying, or provide links to the two people you are convinced credit you for the blOwSR, so we can all point and laugh.

      • July 8, 2014 11:39 am

        Wow, dude, you’re seriously delusional.

      • justme permalink
        July 8, 2014 12:18 pm

        Yeah man, Mythus really showed how much Gary hated skill systems too…

      • Sykirobme permalink
        July 8, 2014 1:39 pm

        OSR: GENE WAS THERE, TOO!

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 8, 2014 1:51 pm

        Forgotten Realms was okay (1e stuff anyway) but Dragonlance was totally for chicks and fags.

    • July 8, 2014 11:08 am

      Gene, your 9:55 comment was intelligible — I was beginning to worry. However, when I read your 10:49 diatribe, I realized that you are your usual self.

      Please explain how a 1E thief can be played without skills.

      • PrinceofNothing permalink
        July 8, 2014 12:29 pm

        I’m guessing Gene’s open-to-the-public AD&D campaign solved thief skills by Larping it out. If you wanted to pick a lock you had to pick one of Gene’s actual locks that he kept on the table at all times for that specific purpose. Hiding in shadows was resolved by a cut-throat intense five minute micro-session game of hide and seek, only a man brave enough to scale Gene’s shed would even dare to attempt use climb walls and dont even get me started on Picking Pockets…

  36. July 8, 2014 4:43 pm

    I don’t think Gene would allow pick pocketing Larping. I’m fairly certain he has flipper hands besides breathing through his mouth.

  37. Let me tell you about my character permalink
    July 8, 2014 4:58 pm

    Second edition FATAL had better illustrations (instead of blank spots that read “insert artwork here”) but they removed some of the more offensive stuff like the Jewy Jewbacca armor. First edition FATAL is still available here:

    http://web.archive.org/web/20021017214518/http://www.hyperbooks.com/fatal/fataldownload.html

    If you want real Medieval Dark Ages D&D check out Fantasy Wargaming by Bruce Galloway. It has Anglo-Saxon, Norse, Celtic, Pagan, etc. stuff plus (bonus!) combat stats for the Virgin Mary.

    • July 8, 2014 7:17 pm

      Got both the big and small hardbacks. There are a few good support sites (2, maybe) and a few good interviews with the guilty parties as well. I’ve lifted much good material from those rules. Read the book over about once every two years just because.

  38. Timotheus permalink
    July 9, 2014 6:50 am

    So Zak is sending Mandy to name all his enemies on Twitter – and she even expresses indignation at “lying”! She has no problem with Zak stalking and bullying young gaymmasters, and calling everyone not named Zak a liar, but by god it is different when the Attack reaps what he sows!

    Very brave to have your disabled girlfried go on a Twitter offensive, Zak! Good show, old boy!

    https://twitter.com/MandyMorbid

    • justme permalink
      July 9, 2014 7:24 am

      Hey man, even disabled crankyankers can get pissed off. If you are going to badmouth people that hang with professional sperm garglers don’t be surprised when you get splashed.

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 9, 2014 7:28 am

      Wow! That AIDS-ridden skank Mandy got Big Purple Dildo’s resident she-male tranny Zeea to apologize to Zak for calling him a homophobe over at Pundick’s place!

      I wonder if Zeea cut off its junk yet or if it still tucks in under with duct tape?

      • Timotheus permalink
        July 9, 2014 7:55 am

        God damn, that is sad. Once again, Zak’s trolling and bullying ignite a controversy, but people end up apologizing to him. Pathetic.

  39. Lamentations of Gary Gygax's Ghost permalink
    July 9, 2014 6:58 am

    I’m pretty sure I consulted Gene before writing D&D so Gene didn’t so much start the OSR movement as start roleplaying games altogether. While I’m on my fluffy cloud looking down and playing Little Wars with H.G. Wells he’s also crediting Gene with the concept for wargaming as well. Gene was there and started everything from Wells to Gygax to the current deplorable state of RPG’s.

  40. July 9, 2014 8:12 am

    The proof is in your reactions. I just act like myself which to you reads as NO and the consensus reacts enraged.

    Now tell me again how my singular outspoken and honest voice didn’t have any effect whatsoever.

    Who is delusional? Even Gygax fans would bury Gygax in the 90’s. Did any of you ever follow Greyhawk Talk? The guy was dismissed as soon as he started writing back. That is the reality check that you have to remember. “Well, we give him credit but…” it was the same old rag.

    I just got sick of reading it and even Gygax was surprised. He PMed me and asked if I emerged from a lost dungeon.

    The mainstream reaction to my online forum posts was as one person put it: “Blood and souls for my lord Gygax.”

    Catch up with the fucking program.

    “Fireball”? Anybody?

    “Human Torch”? Hello?

    Thats me! <>>

    By the way, my time machine is still stuck in China 5000 years ago. I was trying to kill the inventor of tea so there goes that theory! <<>>

    Wait, I forgot, I was trying to rape the inventor of tea… <<>>

    • Timotheus permalink
      July 9, 2014 8:33 am

      Your task was to provide links to two people who claimed you started the OSR, to back up your claim.

      You failed.

      And somehow you see our laughing at you as some kind of validation.

      Talk to the flail, Genie. It is lonely.

      • Sykirobme permalink
        July 9, 2014 2:58 pm

        I would like Gene to provide proof that he has something in his life beside elfgames. Like gainful employment. Or his own room. Or clean laundry. Or a car. Or a (girl/boy)friend/(wife/husband).

      • July 9, 2014 7:17 pm

        He’s got a flail, and he’s not afraid to use it.

    • July 9, 2014 9:52 am

      Gene.

      Time to focus, buddy.

      Please defend your assertion that skills are antithetical to D&D in light of the fact that the Thief class relies on skills.

      • kaptainvon permalink
        July 10, 2014 11:38 am

        I’ve always wondered about that. Surely the emergence of a Find Traps skill the thin end of the ‘character abilities not player skill’ wedge that the OSR is supposed to repudiate? Shouldn’t all the OSR cool kids be reviling the very notion of the Thief? Then again, LotFloP has its Specialists and its ascending armour classes and stuff, and apparently that’s OSR. I don’t know what to think any more. Maybe I should just stick gerbil cocks in my ear or something.

    • July 9, 2014 11:16 am

      For the sake of posterity, I would like to clarify a few things.

      Gene says: I just act like myself which to you reads as NO and the consensus reacts enraged.

      Reality: Gene acts like himself which to us reads as WTF. There is no consensus. There is no rage. Gene, please cite an instance of (what you think is) rage.

      ***

      Gene says: Now tell me again how my singular outspoken and honest voice didn’t have any effect whatsoever.

      Reality: Effect on what? I really don’t know what the fuck you’re going on about.

      ***

      Gene says: Who is delusional?

      Reality: Is this one of those trick questions? My guess is that the guy who said he went back in time to “rape the inventor of tea” is delusional.

      • justme permalink
        July 9, 2014 7:45 pm

        Everyone is out of step but Benny.

    • Sykirobme permalink
      July 9, 2014 2:56 pm

      There was an annoying fucker named Diaglo who showed up in every conversation on every RPG forum in the early ’00s to make a single comment: “OD&D is the one, true game! All others are unworthy!”

      I’d say he’s more responsible for kickstarting the OSR than this delusional basement dweller.

  41. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    July 9, 2014 11:17 am

    Man, just look in Mandi’s eyes and you can see the crazy pouring out like steam from a kettle.

    Is she an active sex scene performer still? All I’ve ever seen is the boring, poorly filmed (maybe Satine Penix did the camera work?) low energy (and dribbly, unhealthy looking money shot) romp with them and some hollow eyed but fairly normal looking runaway from the bus station (“Hi, I’m Mandi…wanna come have a Diet Coke and some chips and play D&D with my boyfriend? Maybe you can crash tonight”). If not, well, at least even Satine is pushing the “retired porn star” angle to distance herself from being tied up and taking mouth shots. Guess Mandi, just like Zak, still figures this “star” angle can net some ass-kissers, if not a payday.

    If she is doing some weird wheelchair bukkake stuff, I’d like to be able to check it out. Having a bachelor party for a pal soon and I need some novelty porn.

  42. Timotheus permalink
    July 9, 2014 11:49 am

    Well, I missed out on the G+ drama, but Zak has now gone to his blog to attack his enemies by name. One guy practically verbatim restates a position stated publically by Zak, who strangely accuses the guy of lying and fucking pigs. A couple of his faithful ask for clarification of how the guy lied, and so Zak calls them liars and points out he is giving them an RPG abundance for free, they are lazy, they are in on the conspiracy, etc…the Attack is going into full meltdown mode yet again…

    http://dndwithpornstars.blogspot.com/2014/07/why-pigfuckers-fuck-pigs-and-people.html?zx=2520cf350544658e

  43. justme permalink
    July 9, 2014 8:06 pm

    Oh holy shit Alexass is baiting us without a doubt:
    http://tao-dnd.blogspot.com/2014/07/its-not-enough.html?m=1

    Alexass has the nerve to tell us “masturbation by defintion is done alone”…as if he’s never been to a circle jerk. He’s been “intellectuall” masturbating on his blog for years now and hasn’t caught on yet his desire to create a world he can control that will recognize his genius will be outside his grasp forever, unlike that digit he has to shift his tummy roll out of the way to reach.

    • Let me tell you about my character permalink
      July 9, 2014 11:51 pm

      Sigh. (Gloomily masturbating.)

      • justme permalink
        July 10, 2014 9:49 am

        Hey, free imitation crab salad, how could anyone avoid a dish with mayo in it after attending a JO session? Poor Alexass is missing out.

    • PrinceofNothing permalink
      July 10, 2014 8:12 am

      General Progress Report on Patient 53’s recovery. By Doctor of Nothing.

      Initial sentence seems to provide some slim evidence of 53’s gradual recovery from its solipsistic delusional state. 53 identifies himself as a prick, revealing at least a peripheral awareness of the way its behavior is perceived by other human beings. Sadly this momentary lapse of self-awareness quickly subsides as the patient relapses almost instantaneously. [Hypothesis: Patient 53 has an unusually powerful self-image that stands almost perpendicular to the way it is actually perceived in reality. Any attempt to reconcile its self-perception with objective reality triggers a sort of mental feedback loop, causing loggorhea and a relapse into its delusional state.]

      Patient 53 proceeds to claim that all arguments against it can be neatly divided into 2 categories, each apparantly mutually irreconcilable, thus validating its delusional self-image.
      According to a complicated schematic, drawn in subject 53’s bodily fluids and most of the crayons we had provided it as a way of soothing its frequent berserker-esque rages, [the last of which caused serious damage to itself, a handful of d20s that had to be surgically removed from subject 53’s anus, and two of the staff tasked with keeping it under constant surveillance], the categories can be summed up thusly:

      1) Its ideas are not believable/stupid/meaningless(again, 53 shows remarkable self-awareness, but quickly relapses)
      2) It is not reality, it is a game(i believe it refers to either dnd, or reality in this case. We are still unsure. Perhaps they are both a game?)

      Patient 53 reconciles any logical argument against this apparent contradiction by claiming its detractors are not just illiterate, but incapable of communicating in any form whatsoever. Ironically, it spends a rather long time explaining its point of view, which would seem pointless given the inability of its detractors to understand the meaning of its words.

      53 spends an inordinate amount of time mischaracterising the (justified) criticisms of its opponents, speaking out in favour of internal consistency so as to promote versimilitude and deriding random monster bashing. It is correct in its criticisms of this interpretation of the argument, but it fails to grasp the wider issue. It forgets that unless one is actually simulating a complete universe, with physical laws every bit as complex as the ones that predominate in this universe, some degree of abstraction is unavoidable and even desirable for playing an elfgame.

      Rules facilitate elfgames and simulate believable gameplay but because of their abstraction, will often, when applied to a something as massive as a population as opposed to a small band of 4-6 people, diverge significantly from reality as a result of this abstraction. Attempts to reconcile this divergence require increasingly complex sub-systems. A sane person would solve this divergence, not by adding these increasingly complex sub-systems unless the topic they cover is a major part of the elfgame in question, but by using logic and common sense.

      53 then vehemently assaults fantasy, an aspect of the elfgame that is so firmly ingrained within dnd removing it would strip it of most of its essence. 53 speaks out against the banality of fantasy and the powers of realism, yet is unable to reconcile this with the fact it uses and will continue to use fantastic elements in its elfgames. Apparantly a modicum of fantasy is tolerable, yet anything that overrides this very loosely-defined boundary is a puerile exercise, fit only for children and the mentally retarded.

      Prognosis for recovery: None.

      Recommendations for further treatment: Further increasing 53’s supply of anti-psychotic medication has a statistically significant chance of causing its death. Nevertheless, its current dose does not seem up to the task. Proceed at once.

      • Timotheus permalink
        July 10, 2014 9:36 am

        God damn, swee Prince, you made me click that link – something I promised myself I would never do again. Seriously, we send Alex Qaeda the majority of his traffic, we give him relevance.

        Your summation of patient 53 is stunningly accurate and beautiful in its tragic reality. Maybe a little more emphasis on the fact that without us, he is nothing, and that knowledge drives him even deeper.

    • July 10, 2014 11:32 am

      Alexis perceives what he considers to be a problem – rules for a fantasy role-playing game are not definitive. He realizes that the “task of legitimately fixing the problem” is “near-impossible.” I would say that it is actually impossible. You cannot control interpretation; you cannot put rules on imagination. Of course, I don’t agree there is a problem.

      Alexis says, “’Fantasies’ are…blank-eyed non-sentient versions of real things, that you pretend are real because you haven’t any alternative.” Alexis also says that his critics “don’t actually know what words mean.” Let’s assume that the compilers of the Oxford dictionaries actually know what words mean.

      Fantasy = An idea with no basis in reality

      A fantasy is not a ‘version’ of a real thing. Elves aren’t real. Dragons aren’t real. Magic missiles aren’t real. Indulging the conceit of a fantasy is escapism – a healthy (perhaps necessary) exercise when not taken to extremes.

      Alexis also says, “People who use the game to ‘fantasize’ are those who have flat out failed at being real.” Maybe I don’t know what words mean, but I interpret this as saying “People who play a FANTASY role-playing game for purposes of FANTASY are total losers.”

      More Alexis:

      “If there’s a ‘rule’ that needs an argument and a philosophy that has to be taken on faith, it’s not a ‘rule.’ It’s masturbation.”

      What about ‘rules’ in the real world? You know, like civil laws and religious doctrine? People argue about those; they require a faith-based philosophy. Is all that masturbation?

      Alexis admits, “This is a game, but it is a very special game.” That’s right. This isn’t a game like bowling or poker; it involves more than rules. It involves creativity and performance – very much like art. Does art have rules? No. Is that a problem? No.

      • July 10, 2014 12:37 pm

        You guys are behind. You’re missing this great post here:

        http://aeonsnaugauries.blogspot.ca/2014/07/rock-botton.html?showComment=1405020757342#c8611803128308199439

      • PrinceofNothing permalink
        July 10, 2014 12:48 pm

        Thus patient 53 speaks:

        “Did they teach you in morality class, JD, that it was okay to insult people as long as you were honest about being a sniggering, crap flinging mook? Because I don’t see the difference. ”

        Obivously it is a terrible thing for people to insult someone, regardless of intention.

        “The people who know me, who have been reading my blog for 7 years, are perfectly aware of my attitude, my belief system, my intolerance of morons and my willingness to personally abuse same, and they don’t care. ”

        Unless its someone you don’t like. And Alexis is lying, because without us he is nothing.

        Also Hollah at Ya Boooyyyy For JDJarvis, honourary YDIS member because Alexis cannot be bothered to see the world in more then 2 shades of colour I’m sure as hell not reading your fucking blog, but Alexis hates you, which means that you cannot be an altogether unreasonable person.

      • Timotheus permalink
        July 10, 2014 1:20 pm

        Look like Alex Qaeda is jealous of all the attention zakprincess and RPGButtkiss are getting on the web, so he is attacking a 4th rate blogger and linking to it here so we will notice him.

        The fourth rate blogger ability alone qualifies BJJarvis for our august brotherhhod; the identification of sniggering poo-flinging mooks confirms it.

        The enema of my enema is my freud.

      • July 10, 2014 1:42 pm

        “Point in fact, not a soul has stepped forward on my blog to tell me I’m wrong…”

        HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 11, 2014 7:32 pm

        Alexis, serious question: are you still a pre-op tranny or has your dick been shoved up inside you now as a faux-pussy and your scrotum turned into roast beef curtains?

  44. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    July 10, 2014 11:50 am

    Just read Zak Princess’ tirade. Jesus Christ. Pig fucker? Can’t the little half-a-fag at least try being as funny as most of us (I say most, cause, well, Kent)? He really is an angry little man-child. It really gets fun when his devotees go “c’mon, you are too good for this” and he jumps down their throats. How sad for the ones that back peddle like they are getting kicked out of some club or something. It really is pathetic.

    He says “I paint and fuck for a living.” Can we get a citation on that? Especially the fucking part? And even if he does, the only guys who make any money in the performance side are the dudes you see in every gang bang video since the 90’s. Maybe a couple hundred bucks at best (unless he’s doing gay on the side which pays much more). This little creepo really needs to stop with the bragging about shit that just is not reality. A couple amateur scenes over ten years with awful camera work does not make you a pro. Though I guess arguably dipshits paying him fitty bucks to draw their favorite ranger character is “painting.” I guess.

    • July 10, 2014 1:44 pm

      If he’s fucked professionally in the last five years, it must be private parties because he has no sex credits post-2009. As for the painting, it looks like the gallery unloads one 2002-era acrylic canvas a year for maybe low five figures. From a casual outsider POV what he does for a living really boils down to blog, argue, cash checks from Raggi and/or Mandy.

  45. jdjarvis permalink
    July 10, 2014 1:33 pm

    Hey fart knockers one oh you had a smart mouth about something I posted a couple years ago, it really, really hurt, sniff sob, moan groan… ahh fuck off.

    Alexis, really? You want to throw down in the boys room of the blogosphere? Haven’t gotten enough swirlies in your life? Think of the jollies the sharks would get from that, never mind the jets. (Yeah I made a cultural reference about musical theatre in the boys room.)
    If by starange fate anyone who knows and cares about Alexis is reading this the man needs help heks going through a crisis and really needs to sit down and talk with someone who can help

    • July 11, 2014 6:44 pm

      Fartknock (Alteration/Evocation)

      Level: 4 Components: V, S, M
      Range: 6″ Casting Time: 4 segments
      Duration: 1 round/level Saving Throw: Special
      Area of Effect: 2″x2″x2″ Cloud

      The fartknock spell combines the magic-user spells knock and stinking cloud. Upon casting the fartknock spell, every door within the area of effect (including locked, secret, held, or wizard locked doors) will burst open with a loud burst of sound, and a cloud of noxious vapors will billow into the rooms or corridors accessed by the affected portals. Any creatures within the rooms thus exposed will be helpless for 2 to 5 rounds, those targets making their saving throw will be helpless for one round after they emerge from the toxic cloud.

      The material component of the spell is a miniature burrito which must be stuck with a small brass plaque while the caster stands with his or her back to the targeted door.

      Fartknock is considered open gaming content.

      Now that’s how you tie a thread together, folks. We’ve got the burritos, the flatulence thread, and the general fartknockery all wrapped up in one gassy little package, like the aforementioned burrito.

      • Let me tell you about my character permalink
        July 11, 2014 8:21 pm

        Can my wizard research this to add Silence, 15′ Radius and create SBD Fartknock?

      • July 11, 2014 9:04 pm

        That would probably add another level or two…

      • July 11, 2014 10:08 pm

        Fuck, over 44,000 Google results for “tacomancer”. I hate everybody!

      • justme permalink
        July 12, 2014 11:01 am

        Fart Knockers
        No. enc: 1d8(2d100)
        Alignment: Chaotic
        Intelligence: average
        Movement: 90’
        Armor Class: 6
        Hit dice: 1
        Attacks: 1 or special
        Damage:1d6/by weapon or special
        Damage: F1
        Morale:9
        Fart knockers are randomly wandering loathsome humanoids.
        Beyond normal weapons, fart knockers may employ 2 special attacks sophomoric banter or the spell fartknock useable 3 times a day (unlimited uses for 24 hours after taco night).
        Sophomoric banter has no effect on anyone with a stable ego but anyone with a fragile ego must make a save vs wands or spend the next 2-7 weeks ranting and bitterly complaining about all the mooks that can’t understand their own genius.

        That gentleman, is how you wrap up a thread.

  46. jdjarvis permalink
    July 10, 2014 1:58 pm

    @Timotheus, I’m a third rate blogger, thank you. Fourth Rate… really.

    I’d almost be offended if I was a pretentious pseudo-intellectual hypocrite with a fragile but plus-sized ego.

    • Timotheus permalink
      July 10, 2014 7:53 pm

      My bad, GayD.

      And stop bullying Alex Qaeda – all he wants is the unimpeded worship of his incalculably superior intellect.

      And also the perfect omlette.

      And a pretty dress. So he can roleplay a feisty pirate maiden hurting herself with shitty Dutch East Indies rum, as a strapping Fabio clone concernedly approaches…

    • PrinceofNothing permalink
      July 11, 2014 8:06 am

      I broke my vow and read a few articles on your blog.

      Decent suggestion.
      http://aeonsnaugauries.blogspot.ca/2009/07/save-or-die-slowlythe-drum-beat-of.html

      Moderately useful idea(for the slow kids who have not mastered it yet) with sub-par execution and examples.
      http://aeonsnaugauries.blogspot.ca/2009/10/villains-are-not-always-much-of-bbeg.html

      Angry diabribe against a movie that, despite its flaws and stupidity, is still a bit too smart for your background i’m afraid.
      http://aeonsnaugauries.blogspot.ca/2010/02/stupid-sci-fi.html

      Suggestions to gimp spells that should not prove much trouble to a GM of mediocre calibre or above. Raise dead triggers system shocks and causes constitution loss and aging bro.
      http://aeonsnaugauries.blogspot.ca/2010/04/troublesome-spells.html

      Re-inventing the Wheel(See also, The Grand Duchy of Karameikos).
      http://aeonsnaugauries.blogspot.ca/2010/05/end-game.html

      Obsession with trivial details that would bore Perdustin when he was still smoking the possibly classified substance that endowed him with a Holmesian obsession for trivial details during his Year of the Phoenix reviews.
      http://aeonsnaugauries.blogspot.ca/2014/07/orcs-through-editons-from-1st-edtion-ad.html

      Good idea with poor solution.
      http://aeonsnaugauries.blogspot.ca/2014/01/1-bonus-to-damage-is-boring.html

      4th rate is about right m’fraid. But you shouldn’t give a shit what anyone thinks. You obviously have a love for the game and RPGs in general, and even the 10 minutes i spent drowsily perusing a selection of your posts is likely to change my game more then anything Alexis has written(his tips on GM style and descriptions are worth one’s time, though the time spent finding that single post amidst the volume of junk is not).

      Best,
      Prince.

      • July 11, 2014 12:37 pm

        “…that would bore Perdustin…”

        Not bored, exactly…Disappointed in the lackadaisical presentation. (Would an illustration hurt?)

        Notably missing are iterations from OD&D and Basic. If you’re going to be pedantic, you need to go all the way.

        If you’re accepting requests for future articles, may I suggest the kobold and the bugbear?

        #Mooks4ever

      • jdjarvis permalink
        July 11, 2014 9:14 pm

        @prince on nothng, I’m not surpisd the likes of you can not appreciate my unparralled genius…wow, so sorry I was channeling on of my favorite bloggers.

        I use the blog like a note book and sounding board, some of the ideas need work, a lot of work, but I figure what the hell post it and let other folk have a look, someone might have a better idea or a report they did something similar and it bombed. We learn from watching other people make mistakes.

      • Timotheus permalink
        July 11, 2014 10:29 pm

        “We learn from watching other people make mistakes.”

        A comforting thought, but the followers of Sexy Lexi’s blog expose this as total inaccuracy. After all, if it was true, their wisdom would rival Siddartha’s.

      • PrinceofNothing permalink
        July 12, 2014 2:11 pm

        @jdjarvis

        Would you be willing to make half of your future posts in faux-Alexis prose? I find your impersonation oddly soothing.

        Also your argument on the fallacy of an evolutionary approach to hit points and hit dice is comprehensive and illustrates wonderfully what a ludicrous idea it really is, and your insights in the comment section of said post would make for a better blog post then the infinetesimal ways in which orcs have changed over the years(as an aside, Gnolls, Kobolds or Dragons have changed way more, and the omission of Basic DnD in your comparison is an affront). Bumping it to a 3rd rate blog. Perhaps Lexi should study both science and the actual fucking Dungeon Master Guide before dabbling in either.

        Your approach to blogging has merit, but the wasted potential is upsetting to my inner child.

  47. Let me tell you about my character permalink
    July 10, 2014 11:57 pm

    A noble quest. Koo-Koo Karooo!

  48. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    July 11, 2014 11:14 am

    He’s taking the intuitive ease away from simple magic weapons. If he wants to keep it from being boring, then he should just start all bonus weaponry found in low levels at +3 hit and damage minimum. So by Mid-levels you are finding +5 or +6 weapons. There’s your excitement level, overthinker. Your players will squeal with girlish delight like the little man-children they are. (drops Microphone, does Rick Flair strut out of room).

  49. July 11, 2014 11:02 pm

    I’m bored, fucked up, and combative

  50. July 12, 2014 2:38 am

    I’ve deleted three blogs once each over seven years, Kent deletes the same blog once a week.

    (Note: I’ve washed down a combo of domestic beer, Adderall, and Xanax. The Adderall just kicked in so I’m typing a lot more than I usually would.)

    I’ve always been a Kent apologist (Zak too), but I don’t feel bad talking shit about him since he repeatedly post-crapped on my adamantly unmoderated blog. His blog is good, he’s a creative guy, and if he actually has the players he talks about (I’m dubious), he’s probably good at running games. And he trolls “OSR” forums, which is the Lord’s work.

    His comments section is populated wholly by YDIS people who confirm my impression that there are useful people on the troll blog and that it’s a place where smart people come to act like idiots, as opposed to the blogosphere and forums where idiots go to act like smart people.

    Based on what I’ve read by, and talked about, with Kent re: lit and gaming, and as a person for whom being a flake constitutes a virtually life-threatening condition, I think Kent is a Lawful Neutral mimicking Chaotic Neutral affect. An expensive ortho-doxy in gadfly’s clothing. For all the trolling and sock-puppeting, he’s a systematizer and Takes Things Seriously. He’s a secret Alexis, baffled by the notion that an intelligent and educated person would treat D&D and literature as a larf.

    (Also his default avatar has always been Brandoch Daha and I suspect he’s a ginger ex-marginal-athlete gone to turnip-tittied post-grad seed, so that causes me some dissonance.)

    I really don’t understand the Alexis hate … he’s a lone weird bright fat dude with a heavily moderated blog and no influence I can see so I’m not sure why anyone would target him.

    tl;dr: lol @ Kent

    and: shit fuckity faggot fuck, tits balls pigfucker butthole. Fuck you all. Every last one of you.

    and: I’m getting married in October, so if any of you faggots are in driving distance I can arrange a place to crash and get you fucked up for free and I know a lot of girls who are “cute” cute as opposed to gamer cute ~estrogen. I could even find Kent some black women or BBCs or whatever.

    and: I used to work in a porn shop. Best actual verified movie titles: Mutiny on the Booty; A Queer and Pleasant Stranger; Bi, Claudius; Tranny Hill; Spring Tranny. Best actual verified sex toy: Mister Fister

    and: since I’d achieved all my goals as President in one term, there was no need for a second. The End.

    xoxo ~huggles

    • Timotheus permalink
      July 12, 2014 5:40 am

      Congratulations on the impending marriage!

      Unless it is to kent.

      • July 12, 2014 5:51 am

        Nah, I’m marrying the girl I’ve been with. Kent is, at best, a sister wife.

        We’re getting married on 10/4 and she refuses to let me send out trucker hats with “10-4 GOOD BUDDY” as the save-the-dates so I’m already reconsidering

    • July 12, 2014 6:23 am

      You, my friend, just won the Interwebs (or at very least you can have my share).

      • July 12, 2014 6:32 am

        Good insight about Kent, too. He’s a crypto-normativist, who, if given the $250 consulting nod Zakattak and our Favorite Uruguayan were by Wotc, would be slobbering over an entirely different.. Well, you get it. He just wants to be loved.

    • July 12, 2014 7:35 am

      Do you remember Kent’s profile pic from his very brief G+ tenure? I lost it two laptops ago that I slammed into the ground in various fits of pique, but it was a bro lookin’ dude with surfer shades, staring slightly menacingly at the camera. Seemed a transparent ruse to me, since it did not look like a guy who would favor tapping extras from The Wire.

      • July 12, 2014 7:45 pm

        In rather uncreative fashion (whaddaya want? I’m too busy working on the script for the upcoming Bloo Detective), I always pictured Kent as a weedy, neurasthenic type- the sort who’d get his ass kicked at an Erasure concert.

        It feels weird to think of him as a ginger-bearded, turnip-titted, almost-jock-gone-to-seed or a minatory dudebro.

    • July 12, 2014 7:42 am

      And yeah, Kent has about as many players as Nofucksville has fucks.

    • July 12, 2014 7:55 am

      Congrats on the upcoming nuptials!

      #Dwarflandrocks

    • Interview permalink
      July 12, 2014 9:53 am

      On the player thing, I don’t like people. I have only ever played AD&D with close friends, no strangers no randomers no friend-of-a-friends no girlfriends. That way the game can be intense and yet flip into fruity cursing, mocking and laffs and flip back again swiftly. I don’t play often and haven’t for over a year but my players are always around because they are one and the same with my friends, and when the mood takes us we talk about campaign ideas, but frankly getting old there is more enjoyment in traditional modes of socialising. Ive always been a DM who values (slightly) more what I do alone than what we do at the table anyway. So Im not ‘pretending’ to have players.

    • Kent permalink
      July 12, 2014 9:55 am

      On the player thing, I don’t like people. I have only ever played AD&D with close friends, no strangers no randomers no friend-of-a-friends no girlfriends. That way the game can be intense and yet flip into fruity cursing, mocking and laffs and flip back again swiftly. I don’t play often and haven’t for over a year but my players are always around because they are one and the same with my friends, and when the mood takes us we talk about campaign ideas, but frankly getting old there is more enjoyment in traditional modes of socialising. Ive always been a DM who values (slightly) more what I do alone than what we do at the table anyway. So Im not ‘pretending’ to have players.

      • July 12, 2014 7:27 pm

        Ive always been a DM who values (slightly) more what I do alone than what we do at the table anyway.

        I’d bet actual folding money that this describes your amatory proclivities as well.

    • Kent permalink
      July 12, 2014 10:00 am

      >>I’m getting married in October, so if any of you faggots are in driving distance I can arrange a place to crash and get you fucked up for free and I know a lot of girls who are “cute” cute as opposed to gamer cute ~estrogen. I could even find Kent some black women or BBCs or whatever.<<

      Ha, congrats. You went through a phase of showing off your girl and then stopped. Jeeves said it would be inappropriate to ask if all was well. Well, all is well.

    • Kent permalink
      July 12, 2014 10:11 am

      Oh and Ive been banned from ODD74. So I no longer have any forum presence. All I will say is that Ive never been banned from any forum involuntarily.

      My lasting mental image of the aggregate OSR forum guy is a fat bald yank in a giant yellow rabbit pajama suit with a hood with ears. He wears misty googles and holds crayons in one hand and melting chocolate in the other, placing one or the other indiscriminately in his mouth. Where is he? In Sunday school with thirty aunts. “Baby is a good boy, a very good boy, baby is as good as gold.” His fat cheeks are pinched and he smiles with chocolate teeth but he can’t see through his foggy glasses.

      • Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
        July 12, 2014 5:30 pm

        “..is a fat bald yank in a giant yellow rabbit pajama suit with a hood with ears. He wears misty googles and holds crayons in one hand and melting chocolate in the other, placing one or the other indiscriminately in his mouth…”

        Really Kunt, keep your jack-fantasies to yourself, would ya? As soon as you started taking lovingly about his mouth I know this is what you would love to fuck.

      • July 12, 2014 7:26 pm

        Oh, fuck, I must’ve left my webcam on.

        He wears misty googles and holds crayons in one hand and melting chocolate in the other, placing one or the other indiscriminately in his mouth…

        What’s with the crayon obsession, lately? Last thread you wrote:

        Grab your inedible crayons, fill your mouths with drool and let’s be fierce together !!

        I’m beginning to suspect you’ve crammed an entire Crayola 64 box up your poop chute, old bean.

      • Kent's Rectum permalink
        July 13, 2014 6:52 am

        Please don’t give him any ideas!

    • July 12, 2014 7:37 pm

      Congrats on the nuptials, chum. I’d send you a bottle of homemade nocino with the proviso that you don’t even consider opening it until your first anniversary (stuff tastes like rat poison until it mellows for a good, long time), but shipping booze is a friggin’ nightmare.

      ~vibes

      • July 12, 2014 10:31 pm

        Here in WV, BLF, we are allowed to receive liquor if it is shipped via UPS. Can’t get beer or wine, but we can legally get liquor in the mail. I used to order from Astor Wine & Spirits all the time. Of course, if your nocino (which I’ve never tried), is, shall we say, untaxed, then you should just ship it via UPS as a liquid.

      • forget the USPS permalink
        July 13, 2014 5:15 am

        Shipping booze is easy as pie – just make sure to use so much bubble wrap that the box can be dropped six feet without damaging the goodies, and ship it by private service (don’t want to commit “mail fraud” or some shit – I think that’s how they got Capone).

      • July 13, 2014 8:00 am

        I was thinking of shipping a few bottles myself and the mention of old Astor clinched it. Ever have green vodka down there? All we fucking need to make it happen for 10/4 is a drop point.

      • July 13, 2014 9:46 am

        I’ve never heard of nocino but something noxiously alcoholic made in a bathtub sounds right in my wheelhouse.

        The girl originally wanted a fancy wedding but is now twigging to how much expense and irritation is involved, so I think I’ve got her on board with a courthouse wedding and just having a big party afterwards. If I’m in charge of the entertainment, it’ll be picnic shelter + barbecue + kegs + bottles + box wine + garbage can full of Purple Jesus. I can’t think of anyone in my circle of friends who’d look at a couple fuckin pork tenderloin medallions with asparagus on china with a glass of jumped-up supermarket Zinfandel and think “god damn I’m glad that’s not a barbecue sandwich and beer.”

        I’ll obviously have a cadre of Instagram photographers on hand to document a “what are you drinking?” post, with added “smiley face drinking beer” emojis

      • July 14, 2014 8:01 am

        #shitsgettinreal

  51. I forgot you guys were human permalink
    July 12, 2014 10:09 am

    You are a bunch of sweet cuddly motherfuckers. I wanna cuddle, too.

  52. FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
    July 12, 2014 4:23 pm

    Finally, a D&D Next review you can jack off to!

    http://www.sparknotes.com/mindhut/2014/07/07/emily-the-intern-reviews-the-new-dungeons-and-dragons

    • turdburglar permalink
      July 12, 2014 6:02 pm

      I’m not sure I want to see the museum she thinks the artwork should be displayed in. I’m picturing a half bathroom in a half finished basement where the walls are plastered with chainmail bikini pics, only the faces are cutouts of all the hot chicks from a high school yearbook.

    • July 12, 2014 7:41 pm

      #estrogenwafts

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 12, 2014 8:16 pm

      “I’m not sure I want to see the museum she thinks the artwork should be displayed in.”

      Idiots like her keep talentless twats like Zak S in galleries though.

    • Mjollnir permalink
      July 13, 2014 6:54 pm

      Bigby’s always had Game Geeks.

  53. Timotheus permalink
    July 13, 2014 10:08 am

    OK, anybody who wants to instapuke, check out the latest avatar pic from zavoda:

    http://www.dragonsfoot.org/forums/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=62642&start=120

    “Come to papa Bear little padawan.”

    Seriously, the homoeroticism of the DFs is getting out of control. The highwater mark had been that post-a-pic-o’-yerself thread, and the confessions that went along like that Theslo dude bragging about taking off his shirt when he DMs, and relishing the reaction of new players. But they are trying to reach new lows, and I suspect that is really why that thread was locked.

    I bet the pm’s on that sight are multitudinous and scandalicious.

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 13, 2014 10:24 am

      There sure are a lot of angry white guys pissed off that their privilege has been curtailed in that thread too. They miss the days when blacks were like JJ Evans of Good Times and Rerun on What’s Happenin’ and not the President of the United States. Plus bitches didn’t play D&D back then too and stuck to their Barbie Dolls and Easy Bake Ovens!

      • Mjollnir permalink
        July 13, 2014 6:50 pm

        Your mullato-in-chief is doing a bang up job. I can’t think of a better face to put
        on the accelerating decay of the country formerly known as America.

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 14, 2014 6:04 am

        You must be a n00b to think we like ANYONE here at YDIS.

        #whitepowerless #bushrecessionof2008 #pantsontheground

      • Mjollnir permalink
        July 14, 2014 6:20 pm

        I don’t know… Some of the regulars’ passionate defense of Africans-in-America and the sodomy enthusiasts seems pretty genuine.

    • July 13, 2014 12:27 pm

      Yeah, he’s using the same pic at the Acaeum. Just when I was getting used to the hirsute balding longshoreman look… Christ.

    • July 13, 2014 4:16 pm

      If he posts that he has an overabundance of imitation crabmeat, run like hell!!

    • July 13, 2014 5:13 pm

      Isn’t he the one that lost hims feetses to the diabeetus last year?

    • Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
      July 13, 2014 5:36 pm

      When I first checked out DF, I had not looked at a forum of any kind since the 90’s. Certainly, If there was a female avatar used you could be damn sure it was a female ( at least in a biological sense) behind it. Fast forward to my first look at DF. All these Avatars of real life celebrity females, renderings of fantasy females, or bouncy-tittied, very young looking anime girls. I was all like “wow, a hell of a lot of chicks in gaming nowadays!”

      Noper- just a bunch of very weird girly men who somehow think representing their online presence with a woman makes them all manly. Brrrr…just got a chill. I feel so grimy when I discuss The Unblown.

      • July 13, 2014 7:15 pm

        Blooey’s avatar was a weird graphic of a woman… borderline “uncanny valley” stuff.

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 14, 2014 6:06 am

        I think it’s time for a lifetime achievement award at the ENnies. I nominate Blooey.

  54. FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
    July 13, 2014 10:17 am

    Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    http://batintheattic.blogspot.com/2014/07/breaking-down-dnd-basic-part-5.html

  55. Gary Gygax (OFFICIAL) permalink
    July 13, 2014 10:33 am

    I sure miss my banned Facebook account but I was banned for some reason so I’ll just post this here: Remember, it’s not official D&D if blacks, Jews, women, homosexuals, trannies, Muslims, Catholics, or anybody who isn’t a Protestant Christian is playing it! Rule 0 folks!

    Now I’m off to Chuck-E-Cheese to masturbate in front of the kiddies!

    • Mjollnir permalink
      July 13, 2014 6:43 pm

      No Catholics? Still trying to prove you didn’t rip off Tolkien eh?

      I for one have no problem with women or Catholics (although I do hate the current anti-Pope). All hail the Panzer Pope!

    • Gary Gygax (OFFICIAL) permalink
      July 14, 2014 6:09 am

      Is Tolken the one with the lion and the witch living in the back of a closet or the title of a Cheech and Chong album?

      BTW, I just pinched out an upper decker in the bathroom of Taco Bell after my breakfast burrito kicked in!

    • Gary Gygax (OFFICIAL) permalink
      July 14, 2014 7:53 pm

      Silly me I almost forgot! Also banned from True and Official D&D are all kinds of Ching Chongs, Wing Wongs, Ding Dongs, and Ting Tongs!

  56. July 14, 2014 5:11 am

    Zak Smith Is Not A Homophobe

    (I fancy him, told him so and he was not dismissive even though he is gorgeous and straight)

    REASONS NOT TO GET INVOLVED

    1. The ancient policy of this blog is ‘if it’s an opinions, don’t blog, if it’s an opinion about an opinion, definitely don’t blog’. It is a policy that has served me well for many a year.

    2. The Internet is increasingly essentially just isolated groups of people with exactly the same ideas getting into gangs and agreeing with each other. How pleasant it is to see another group of people who all agree that they are right. About another group of people. I loathe the idea of slowly decaying into one of a chorus of yes-men, and that is always a deep danger with online friendships.

    3. Forums are balkanised hellscapes populated mainly by those who have been weeded out of personal circles or just by the very robust. Policed by self-defining cliques of sociopaths.

    4. I strongly doubt the possibility of convincing any one of anything on the internet. And since that is the stated purpose of argument, then arguing on the internet is like masturbating with knives. Fun for a limited few perhaps.

    5. Beyond all those intellectualisations is a deeper truth about my character. I find arguments tiring and fatiguing and upsetting. I get angry quickly. I get hurt easily. I take a long time to calm down. I do not behave well when I am arguing. I do not like the person I am when I argue. I have spent most of my adult life trying to change into a different kind of person. If you find my presence on the internet one of general civility and peace then good. That’s not my natural character. That’s the person I wanted to be. I am civil not because I am good but because I am wrathful and weak and I need the rules of my conduct to protect me from myself.

    AND YET NOW.

    1. It’s a little more serious this time. Words on the internet are more real than they should be and they never go away, which means the accusations made will still be there in 20 or 30 years time and can, and will, dog those accused for the rest of their lives.

    2. I put that ‘funny’ little thing in the title of my blog last night. Now, thinking about it, it’s not really enough. Because what is being done is not funny.

    3. There is the real, though very small, possibility of someone seeing who reads my blog hearing the name Zak Smith and going ‘oh, isn’t that the guy who tells gay people to kill themselves?’

    4. And there is a point where the smallness and cruelty of the claims calls out for some kind of redress, or at least a statement of reality. I don’t think friendship should drag you into pointless online arguments that can never be won. But the truth remains the truth and if the lies should have some long lived memorial then the truth should as well.

    So here is my gulf of Tonkin moment. I am sure everything will go well.

    REASONS TO BELIVE ME?

    None. As previously stated, I am a CLOSETCASE, one of the Clique Of Self Absorbed Knobends Who Cluster Around Zak Smith. I am even embarked on business ventures with him. I am also the kind of person who thinks a shit Gay-Panic joke like CLOSETCASES is hilarious. You can make you own (probably accurate) judgements about that. The only thing I ever did for gay rights was to maybe buy a Queen album or two and get sad when Freddie died.

    NOW I SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT MY FRIEND

    If you go out into the internet and forums you will find black and ruined fields of battle where the corpses wear smiles of grim relief to be released from life. Where nothing pure or good will grow again, where the ravens on the ruined trees spontaneously drop dead from ennui, fat though they are with carrion from the field.

    What are these places? What happened here?

    They are the places where Zak has argued.

    An abrasive hyper-rational obsessively legalistic mind that never ever gets tired and never ever gives up and seems to grow more obsessive and more narrowly legalistic the deeper the stress and rage of the war. A man who thinks the problem with the battle of Verdun is that neither side really gave it their all.

    Is this bullying? Not to the person doing it. He would say that he was being entirely logical. And this is true. He is. the more heated the argument becomes the more relentlessly and entirely logical he becomes. The fact that almost no-one in the whole world works like this, that arguments are rarely about logic or the exact meanings of words or that it never seems to work, has no effect.

    This is difficult to believe for a lot of people. A man who says exactly and only what he means. It’s so unusual that it takes some mental gymnastics the first few times to wrap your head around it. You realise how fully we talk in code most of the time and you realise he’s not doing it. he means exactly and precisely what he says and he thinks everyone else does too.

    Has this done damage to people arguing with Zak? It might have. Has this done damage to innocent people arguing with Zak? It might have. It’s possible. Someone too depressed or fuzzy or without enough self-knowledge to fully realise that they can walk away any time and lose nothing and he won’t follow them home.

    If someone puts their hand in a food blender and loses a chunk of skin, I have some sympathy for them. We all do dumb shit sometimes. If they then force their hand into the blender and keep it forced down while holding it on full speed. And then complain. My sympathy begins to wane.

    Other unpleasant things about Zak. The total absence of grace in victory against his foes. If he won gold in a race he would bend down and lick the tears of the silver medallist right off their face. And would think it reasonable to do so. The whining about people with children. The fact that he’s probably a communist.

    So you could say a lot of pretty bad things about Zak Smith and they would be generally true. Or, at least, true enough that little argument could be made against them. You could simply say he’s a bit of a tit and there is little that could be claimed against it.

    So it’s strange that anyone would claim that he hates gays or hates trans people or tells gay people to kill themselves. Since he has never done any of those things. Not only has he never done them, but I am willing to make the unusually strong statement that he never will. Not while drunk, not while high, not while angry, not at the age of 105 in the nursing home with Alzheimer’s.

    The accusation is so alien to the nature of the man that it is difficult to comprehend. We all have darker aspects to our character, and he does too, but those are not his darker aspects. This isn’t a Mel Gibson situation where someone is nice enough with their friends but gets drunk and crazy and a bunch of darker suppressed atavistic stuff comes out. It’s not a situation where someone raised in another age of gender assumptions (all of us at this point) gets angry and loses control and responds with words that belong now to another time.

    I mean that if you took a mining core of his soul and went through all of it and even examined the black gloopy stuff at the end and had that analysed you still wouldn’t find any homophobia. The dark secret version of Zak Smith you would get if you stripped away everything good about him and left only the nightmare shadow self is still not a homophobe. In the Star Trek mirror dimension where he wears a goatee? That guys still ok with the gays.

    HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?

    That is a good question voiceless Word-Cursor. To address it I have to talk about how we decide who to trust in a strange age in which everyone differs in the rituals of their life.

    Back about 30-40 years ago, all ‘decent’ people did exactly the same things and behaved exactly the same way. You knew where you were with people. You could judge them by their clothes and their class then 40 years later work out they had been a paedophile the whole time but that doesn’t mean the barbecues weren’t great.

    And now everyone is insanely different to everybody else. Never before have we been connected to so many odd-seeming people who do not share our rituals or our patterns of life. How are we to know these people good or ill? The answer is generally that we watch them and that we stay aware of them and we learn gradually through the patterns that they leave in the world around them and this process never stops. Sometimes you worry about the loud family in the restaurant because they are loud, but sometimes the loud family is loud because none of them are afraid of each other and you worry about the quiet family because the silence is fear.

    Now my friendship with Zak is pretty classically neuro-typically male in that we only exchange hard information and discuss ‘things’. I am not sure if we have ever discussed our feelings about a thing, the relations of multiple things or even the meaning of a thing but only the correctness of the things themselves.
    A typical conversation might go like this:

    P – “Here is THING1.”
    Z – “This thing is a functional thing.”
    P – “Yes, it is good that there is a functional thing that works.”
    Z – “Yes. It is good. Here is THING2.”

    Actually that’s more like my dad’s conversation. Ours is more like.
    P – “Here is IMAGINARYTHING1.”
    Z – “This imaginary thing is a functional thing.”

    And so-on. Now this might strike other people as utterly emotionally retarded and maybe it’s not good that there is someone I have known for several years now and that I like a great deal and his family could explode in mid-air and I wouldn’t know about it unless it came up in a description of an imaginary world several weeks after the event, but that is how things are. You do, however, over the years, soak up a little of someone’s life, even through a screen. And a core self is very hard to see over an hour but impossible to hide over a year or more.

    You see their relations with the people around them. How do you know if someone who works in porn is an abusive bastard who hides it well or a good person? Bad people leave damage around themselves, they can disguise what they are but what they do builds up and cannot be hidden.

    What do we see when we look at the people closest to Zak? Damage? No. Generally just the opposite.

    What do we see when we look at the list of people he has worked with? Rage? Battered ruined tricked or worked-over people who he used and cast aside? I have not seen any. I have not heard any. Again, generally, quite the opposite.

    What do we see in his day-to-day relationships? Homophobia? Telling little ‘jokes’ like the one I made above? Never actually. And I mean Never. Not once in my experience. Again, quite the opposite.

    A contempt for women? A secret lift of the brow that suggests ‘hey guy’s, were all in this together right?’ Nope. Again, if anything an almost strained desire to be fair in terms of gender, race or looks. The result of what I suspect to be a rather hippyish lefty upbringing. One not working against but running closely to, the grain of his core character. This is not a man forcing himself to be a big inclusive liberal, or even reminding himself to be a big inclusive liberal. It is baked-in and fully supported. If you cut him he would bleed it.

    It might surprise you to find that this radical punk with the weird hair should carry that particular mark of the bourgeois American meritocracy, a very-slightly-taut anxiety about people not being treated fairly. He hides it well.

    THE ONLY REAL POINT

    If you happen to be gay or transgender or transsexual and to have stumbled upon this blog, and if you happened to have read something about Zak Smith on some dark corner of the internet that suggests to you that he may be someone whose contact you should fear, or who will mock and sneer about your sexuality or your gender or your looks either to your face or behind your back: it is not true.

    I have seen this man go out of his way to prevent nerds commenting on the weight or looks of someone who effectively accused him of hate crimes, and that was not unusual for him

    I will not tell you that you will be safe in his tender arms. The truth is you will be exactly as safe as any other human being. He might be a prick to you but if he is, it will never ever be about your gender, who you fuck or the way you look. It will be what you say, and only that.

    I urge you not to believe me. Don’t trust what I say. Look and seek for yourself. But, if someone makes an accusation of a moral crime. Please simply ask for proof. You will find none because there is none.

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 14, 2014 5:59 am

      Thanks, but we already did this up above. Zak is clearly not a homophobe, trannyphobe (or whatever the fuck the new buzz world is), or even a misogynist. And you don’t have to use any of those made up accusations when all you have to do is share a link to his actual behavior online to prove he is still a talentless poser and opportunistic asshole.

    • Timotheus permalink
      July 14, 2014 6:35 am

      He is also a relentless liar. It is not logic that he imposes on a conversation, but his rainmanish desire to twist the words of others out of their meaning. He fully believes that if he throws a couple of thousand words at a particular phrase he can change its meaning – like his Gamers’ Den wankfest, like his pigfucker blog post.

      He is a relentless liar. And his Goebbelsian chant of “I am telling the truth” which his drones regurgitate endlessly will never change that.

      And while probably not a misogynist, he has no respect for women. Parading his “girls” around the net for attention and using them as a basis for his understanding of women is flawed. Most women will not fuck on camera for money, but Zak somehow thinks his stable of smiling sluts are emblematic Everywomen, good only for sex and dismissing the opinions of others.

      He is a piece of shit. And no amount of lying, not 20,000 +1s, will ever change that. Because his words are on the net forever.

    • July 14, 2014 7:02 am

      Can I get a review copy of the Carbon thing? It sounds interesting, but $10 is waaaaaaaay outside my budget.

      • July 14, 2014 10:26 am

        I hear you can buy Blooey’s “Stink in Golonda” on a lay-away plan.

        Hell, having something called “Bloodymage’s Stink in Golonda” would scare any lay away.

    • July 14, 2014 7:04 am

      And if you’re just going to do a cut ‘n’ paste, you could at least stick around to answer questions or trade insults or share recipes or something.

    • July 14, 2014 7:25 am

      **I am civil not because I am good but because I am wrathful and weak and I need the rules of my conduct to protect me from myself.**

      “His Word was valuable to him not only because he was good, but also because he was bad. It is the bad people who need to have principles to restrain them. For one thing, he liked to hurt people. It was for the strange reason that he was cruel, that the poor fellow never killed a man who asked for mercy, or committed a cruel action which he could have prevented.” — The Once and Future King, re: Lancelot

    • July 14, 2014 7:54 am

      A man who says exactly and only what he means. It’s so unusual that it takes some mental gymnastics the first few times to wrap your head around it. You realise how fully we talk in code most of the time and you realise he’s not doing it. he means exactly and precisely what he says and he thinks everyone else does too.

      Language in general, and English in particular, is ambiguous. Anyone who thinks that he “says exactly and only what he means” is a fool. Some of us revel in the ambiguity, and realize that semantic parsing means that the parser has no valid argument.

      Other unpleasant things about Zak. The total absence of grace in victory against his foes.

      It’s not a true victory if the “winner” is continuously moving the goalposts.

      It might surprise you to find that this radical punk with the weird hair should carry that particular mark of the bourgeois American meritocracy, a very-slightly-taut anxiety about people not being treated fairly. He hides it well.

      He’d only be considered “radical” by the standards of the late 70’s. Seriously, the hair ceased to be weird by the time Annabella Lwin posed with a mohawk on Bow Wow Wow’s first album cover. Even the porn angle is about as transgressive as a butter sculpture contest at the Iowa State Fair. Porn is now an industry that’s bigger than the “mainstream” film industry… your grandmother probably watches porn while she rubs one out after Sunday services. Anybody claiming that porn is radical is probably a cleric-thief whose hard-drive puts the Tera in terabyte.

      To crib a line from Scott, Zak is another Lawful Neutral posing as a Chaotic- merely the fact that he plays the authoritarian within his extremely limited sphere of influence shows that he’s a square at heart. As much as he tries to take on the mantle of a west-coast counterculture figure (another archetype which ceased to be in the late 70s), he’ll never cover up the east-coast establishment type that he’ll always be.

      • Timotheus permalink
        July 14, 2014 9:12 am

        I want Candy!

  57. July 14, 2014 9:51 am

    Zak Smith told me about this blog. I did not come here to engage with anyone, quite the opposite, if I could I would prevent anyone who frequents this place from buying my adventure just as you are excluded from civilized gaming circles.

    • July 14, 2014 10:24 am

      You needn’t fear that anyone who frequents this place will buy your adventure.

    • Timotheus permalink
      July 14, 2014 10:49 am

      You came here, at Zak’s bidding as you admit. Not to engage, but to continue Goebbels’ work. You are a true friend – not manipulated at all by that lying troll.

      • July 14, 2014 12:33 pm

        I don’t think Zak bade him come… I think he realized how much traffic Alexass gets from here and decided that he’d make his play for elfgame notoriety. He’ll have to consistently deliver the sad/funny if he wants to boost his traffic in the long term.

      • Timotheus permalink
        July 14, 2014 1:51 pm

        Damn, BLF, you’re probably right. This is probably the most traffic his shitty blog has ever seen.

      • July 14, 2014 4:45 pm

        I’ve been on the “Bloo Detective” detail long enough to be able to suss out a fatbeard’s intent. When I put two and two together, I usually come up with four.

    • July 14, 2014 11:11 am

      Well jeesh, that’s kind of a sourpuss attitude 😦

    • Recovering Retard permalink
      July 14, 2014 11:39 am

      Swing that purse, girlfriend! Your reverse psychology needs a little work, but that’s what one should expect from thr Barney generation. I’m sure you’re a special little snowflake and all, but your ‘avant-garde’ faggotry died with Dadaism. Put on some Iggy Azalea and twerk the pain away… you’ll feel better about yourself, some day.

      • July 14, 2014 11:44 am

        Listen, you can’t do that. You can’t drop these highly visual quotes about purse fights and wiggers and then expect me not to ask for an illustrated folio of such. I mean, Raggi Azalea dancing to Tha Thong Song getting bopped over the head with a giant Fendi? It’s not fair.

      • July 14, 2014 11:52 am

        Charli XCX is my angel

      • Recovering Retard permalink
        July 14, 2014 12:09 pm

        Charli does look good, don’t she? I better check my CIS privilege and attone by rolling up a ladyboy tallfellow… Man, these rules are so complicated!

        Raggi Azalea? Now, now – anti-fat shaming rules won’t be released until 6th edition, no spoilers! Of course, Wigger: The Gatorade, sounds like a very fertile rpg setting… we can even include a Chav clan for Kent.

      • July 14, 2014 12:35 pm

        She puts the Desi in desire.

      • July 14, 2014 12:44 pm

        I have a tumblr account. Tumblr is the muggle version of rpg.net. Cutters, otherkin, furries, trigger warnings, anas, mias, cis-hunters, transexuals, pansexuals, asexuals, gender fluidity, privilege checking, men’s rights activists, atheists, spergs, fedoras, screamos, the whole panoply of snowflakes. Lately the big thing is some /b/tards spamming various “sensitive” hashtags with gore pics. It’s a glorious trainwreck

      • July 14, 2014 1:01 pm

        That’s the 2014 version of Edie McClurg’s spiel from Ferris Bueller. Thanks, Obama!

      • July 14, 2014 6:47 pm

        I’ve been perving on Charli for a while and had tickets to see her in a tiny shithole bar in the big shithole of Columbus but we skipped it. 😦 There’s no question that I’d have been the oldest, creepiest person there, but that’s increasingly the case no matter what shows I go to

    • July 14, 2014 1:49 pm

      Patrick, you CLOSETCASE, when did you start spelling “civilized” with that manly American “zed?” Clearly protecting poor fragile Zachary’s online reputation as a friend of all transsexuals has put a few oats in your oar.

      • July 14, 2014 1:59 pm

        Don’t worry, Kent’ll straighten him out, by which I mean bend him over. It’ll start out innocently enough, with Kent suggesting some “Ouroboros” cosplay, perhaps a recreation of Gorice’s bout with Goldry Bluszco. By the time they’re done, only the queen’s English will be spoken.

    • PrinceofNothing permalink
      July 15, 2014 11:04 am

      Patrick’s first instinct to ban the offending parties from participating in the purchase of his adventure is indicative of an inability to view dissenting opinions as something other then a particularly insideous form of madness.

      Really dude? Hating Zak(Not even that, mocking Zak for his antics) is a crime so profoundly disturbing to you you would actually refuse us our right to give you money so we may gain enjoyment from something you laboured hard on and would love nothing better for it to succeed, allowing you to possibly put forth further products?

      You seem to have the neccesairy creative sparkles to maybe muster the creative energy that is a precondition for a good adventure(cannot speak for Scrapprincess because have not read) but if i were to hazard a guess i’d say the cohones to write a good adventure and a stalkerish obsession with a fake smug c-list artist with possible aspergers are not positively correlated. Bitch.

    • Spank Foreskin permalink
      July 22, 2014 10:33 pm

      Well then fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you blogtard.

  58. Kent permalink
    July 14, 2014 1:58 pm

    Artist Douchebag says>>we can even include a Chav clan for Kent.<<

    Every time I visit YDIS I prepare myself mentally for a trip to North Korea.

    • July 14, 2014 2:00 pm

      By which you mean fantasizing about giving Kim Jong-Un a Witchland steamer.

    • Recovering Retard permalink
      July 14, 2014 2:51 pm

      You know, I think I did miss characterize you. You’re probably one of them boots n’ braces kinda lads, with a tight denim skirt and a cute little chelsea – making all them tough blokes wanna bite the curb when you strut by…

      • Kent permalink
        July 14, 2014 3:01 pm

        You are very strange. All things considered, if gender obfuscation makes you a better artist, since I am no artist at all who am I to complain.

      • Recovering Retard permalink
        July 14, 2014 5:01 pm

        Why did I hear that in a Mickey Mouse voice?

      • Kent permalink
        July 14, 2014 5:22 pm

        You have rodent cum in your ear, again?

      • Recovering Retard permalink
        July 14, 2014 6:06 pm

        Haha, now that’s the fightin’ pikey talk I likes to hear, you turnip-fucking mick. The gayer the barry, the sweeter the juice!

      • July 15, 2014 11:27 am

        Damn you RR I totally heard that one in Mickey Mouse’s voice complete with a nervous chuckle here and there. Best laugh of my week!

  59. Kent permalink
    July 14, 2014 2:37 pm

    Ive just spent Sunday watching the HBO VICE mini documentaries series 1 and have begun watching series 2. While I initially thought the tabloid brevity and excitement would kill it for me, watching the whole shebang densely I find myself tapping the 10 sec VLC rewind repeatedly to catch information. I really like all the guys involved, even the plucky 120 lb fella because he has no vanity. As they are all tattooed yanks and to all appearances smart guys they remind me of Scott and I want to meet them and give them a big hug, although if I did get to give them a manly hug, including Scott, I would whisper whisper whisper ‘not as smart as you think’ whisper whisper whisper.

    • Timotheus permalink
      July 14, 2014 4:06 pm

      So, three out of five Columbos? And an aggressive hug/booty-palm of Scottt.

      • July 14, 2014 4:34 pm

        I’m not saying I’m cool with that, but I’m not not saying it

    • July 14, 2014 4:40 pm

      Have you watched True Detective? I heard lots about it being inspired by Robert W. Chambers but the only elements I could detect were name-drops of the King in Yellow and Carcosa. No stylistic similarities at all. But the show creator cites Thomas Ligotti as an influence, and that’s obvious from the beginning. Matthew McConaughey’s character is essentially a Ligotti mouthpiece. (I don’t think Ligotti is a very good writer, but it works for the show.)

      Anyway, it’s a good police show and there are only 8 episodes.

      • Kent permalink
        July 14, 2014 4:58 pm

        I was rubbing my hands after the first episode, but it turned out to be a true deCUNTive rubbish. 3/10.

        Breaking Bad was like an 8 8 8 8 5 per series which is the best apart from the west wing.

        BBC Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy is a 9/10.

        Recent films, I dont go to the cinema anymore.
        Calvary is 6 (The Guard was about a 6 too).Gleeson is awesome. in Bruges is an 8. Under The Skin is very weird I don’t know yet but probably 7, Glazer’s Sexy Beast was a true 8 and a better gangster movie the over-rated Good Fellas 7 (Taxi Driver is a 9)

        In the last six months Ive been only watching 1930s movies – Carole Lombard, Clarke Gable, John Barrymore and so on, all 9 or 10 stuff.

      • July 14, 2014 6:42 pm

        Have you seen the Refn movie Drive? (Only threw director’s name in because I think there’s another movie with that title.) I was dragged to see it and expected something vomitous in the vein of The Fast and the Furious, and it ended up being this perfect atmospheric Michael Mann-type thing. One of my favorite movies in a long time. I’m a big fan of dark-ish car dramas (Thunder Road, Two Lane Blacktop, Vanishing Point, etc.) and Albert Brooks should have won something or other for supporting actor.

        But it’s axiomatic that the car movies of Burt Reynolds are the pinnacle of the form, and I don’t see where I’d have any common ground for discussion with anyone working with different assumptions.

      • July 14, 2014 8:07 pm

        Drive was sweet and I’m super pissed that Carey Mulligan married that dopey Irish banjo-band guy instead of me. Only God Forgives was okay and harmless, but I can understand the hatred for it. I eagerly await Gosling’s directorial debut that the Cannes crowd flung shit at and appears to be some sort of doppelRefn film.

        I can say without fear of legitimate contradiction that Cannonball Run is the greatest film comedy ever, and you can probably look up on YouTube the comedy show The State did a fucking pitch-perfect skit on the credits outtakes roll. Burt Reynolds’ and Dom DeLuise’s relationship is so utterly horrifying and honest, it’s insanely compelling. That film would be impossible to make today and is a truly authentic document of a bygone era.

      • July 14, 2014 8:29 pm

        I unironically love Burt Reynolds. I grew up in a super-redneck part of Florida (Okeechobee, in the north part of the Everglades) where Burt was an icon, basically regarded as Brando + Fonzie + Dukes of Hazzard. (To put it in context, my high school had a very competitive rodeo team. Fuck that place, honestly.)

        I went to FSU for a while before it was time to move on, and the athletic dorm there is actually named after Burt. He was very generous with charity, FSU alum donations, and support for up-and-coming actors before his money problems and he had a thriving local dinner theater in Palm Beach County for a while. No idea if it’s still active.

        There are two celebrities I’d actually mark out over if I met them. Like flip the fuck out. Burt Reynolds and Dusty Rhodes, both Florida legends. (Dusty Rhodes is exactly the kind of wrestler I dislike now, but he was the king babyface of Florida Championship Wrestling and I idolized him.)

        A guy who used to visit the porn shop said he was Dom’s driver and assistant for a few years. I don’t remember much other than that Dom was apparently a pretty good guy who had to pull over a lot to take explosive shits.

        I’d put Smokey and Hooper over Cannonball Run as comedies, and Deliverance and The Longest Yard stand up with anything ever filmed. Burt had some chops before he became self-parodic.

      • July 14, 2014 8:32 pm

        Oh, and Refn’s next movie is a sexy-horror thing starring Carey Mulligan. I think Shannon and I were the only people in the world who liked Only God Forgives, but for her it’s partly because she has a boner for Gosling.

      • July 14, 2014 9:56 pm

        I feel like the guy saying John Wayne answered the door in a dress but a good pal told me some perplexing behind-the-scenes stories about Dom, Burt and Loni over the years. For all that, Burt is still amazing and “The End” is another of their fucking masterpieces.

      • July 14, 2014 10:44 pm

        Eh, you could present me with irrefutable evidence that Burt liked to run barefoot through a field of dicks and I’d be like “yeah but The Longest Yard”

      • Kent permalink
        July 15, 2014 1:37 pm

        I liked Drive but Only God Forgives was too mannered in style for me, mannered in the way Wes Anderson’s films are – I used to like his films up to The Royal Tenenbaums but I could not sit through Hotel Budapest. Mannered is the seven year old girl’s tea-party school of film making.

        Yeah, what the fuck happened to Burt Reynold’s career? Deliverance is great film and any time Ive seen him interviewed he comes across as a charming guy. Pity Tarantino didn’t resurrect his career instead of Travolta’s.

    • Timotheus permalink
      July 14, 2014 9:46 pm

      Well God damn. I’m afraid to ask if any of you theater buffs flew to Toronto for Alexis’s thespian/vaudeville fundraiser for his book (link to all the positive reviews:http://tao-dnd.blogspot.com/2014/07/set-to-launch-tick-tick.html).
      (And I can’t god damn believe I linked to Qaeda’s blog – fuck me.)

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 15, 2014 4:23 am

        Does anybody think this event actually happened? We have only Alexis’s blog post without any photos or comments from attendees to go on. Plus Dr. Clovis has certified Alexis as insane now too.

  60. Kent permalink
    July 14, 2014 3:05 pm

    If I declare an interest in Deep Carbon Observatory without being hounded, I hope it is really good (the first good osr thing) so long as it is isn’t filled with moronic random tables that appeal to idiots like YDIS.

    • Timotheus permalink
      July 14, 2014 4:09 pm

      We have been mocking the blOwSR’s fetishization of random tables for four fucking years, Shakespeare. Admit it or you are a LIAR and EVIL.

      And fuck Dumb Cardboard Lavatory.

    • PrinceofNothing permalink
      July 15, 2014 9:38 am

      The premise is promising, and the trailer left me confused and unnerved, which is good. I just hope its not more of Brand Raggi’s Provoking and Bold(tm) adventure writing. However, given your previous assesment of all OSR modules in existence, i suspect you will be dissappointed.

  61. Kent permalink
    July 14, 2014 3:32 pm

    This guy did the weapon art himself to accompany his low level AD&D weapon notion. Very good indeed.

    http://middenmurk.blogspot.ie/2014/07/terrible-weapons.htm l

  62. Let me tell you about my character permalink
    July 14, 2014 9:41 pm

    What kind of vibe are you guys thinking for Bloo Detective?

    I’m thinking old-school 70’s, like a cross between Kolchak the Night Stalker and Encyclopedia Brown, with maybe some Rain Man-type brilliance thrown in when he solves the crime plus a little Police Squad/Naked Gun influence. Also a lovable sidekick of some sort and a constant procession of wacky neighbors. Maybe an OSR luminary guest appearance once in a while.

    And he should have a kick-ass car, maybe a V-8 powered ’70 Mercury Cougar with a sweet dragon air-brushed on the hood.

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 15, 2014 3:49 am

      I was originally thinking he would just show up in your driveway or parking lot and sleep in his truck until you called the police. Then surprise! Blooey is the police!

    • Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
      July 15, 2014 11:29 am

      I think Bloo should drive a Pontiac Firebird, live in a trailer down by the beach, and bang especially shiny-faced 1970’s chicks. Oh, and he gets knocked out from behind and framed for murder a lot.

    • July 15, 2014 12:43 pm

      My “Bloo Detective” vibe pretty much involves Blooey solving cases through his own ineptitude, much like Inspector Clouseau… hmmm, maybe an “Inspector Blooseau” series would kill in the European market. We might be able to make Blooey a huge celebrity in France, like a latter-day Jerry Lewis.

      As an example, I picture Blooey and his partner working undercover and meeting a perp in an Olive Garden parking lot. While his partner is arranging a drug or weapon sale, Blooey falls asleep in their car. Then when the perp gets suspicious and draws, Blooey wakes up and accidentally kicks the gear shift, running down the perp.

      The story arc would involve Blooey getting into crazier and crazier accidents, coincidentally taking out bigger and bigger criminals, eventually getting promoted to commissioner.

      If there’s any 70’s car that Bloo should drive, it’s an AMC Gremlin with a rusted out passengers’ side door.

    • July 15, 2014 1:14 pm

      I’m with Peter Sellers for inspiration, but as Chauncey Gardener. True Blootective is a latter-day Touched by an Angel, with BM wandering from town to town really only looking for a place to sleep or a spoon or the convention he’s two weeks early for, and changing lives for the better through sheer force of his childlike innocence. Nobody realizes he’s simply a retard who slipped his cage, he could dispense wisdom like a Magical Negroe for the 21st century. He could even fall face-first into mud or eat chocolate pudding sloppily and gain a blackface, to hammer home the connection.

      • July 15, 2014 1:30 pm

        Great thunder, that’s not pudding!!!

      • July 15, 2014 1:37 pm

        True Blootective is a latter-day Touched by an Angel, with BM wandering from town to town really only looking for a place to sleep or a spoon or the convention he’s two weeks early for, and changing lives for the better through sheer force of his childlike innocence.

        I think that would be better for the spinoff, Kung Bloo– sorta have an “idiocy misconstrued as Zen” theme.

        I plan on milking this Blooey thing for all its worth. In six months’ time, I fully expect to be lounging in a hot tub in the Hills, snorting coke off Morgan Ironwolf’s tits.

    • July 15, 2014 1:28 pm

      Who’s the ORS geek who makes the ladies wanna freak?
      BLOO!
      Damn right!
      Who is the man who’s sleeping in a beat up van?
      BLOO!
      Can you dig it?
      Who’s the nerd who won’t cop out, when the funny dice are out?
      BLOO!
      You see this Bloo is a bad module author…
      Roll for initiative!
      But I’m talkin’ ’bout Bloo.
      We can dig it.
      He’s the baddest referee,
      When he says death to all PC’s.
      BLOO!

  63. NUNYA permalink
    July 14, 2014 10:32 pm

    HEEEYYYEEEWWWGUYZZZ!!!1

    MEBBY ALEX-GUY IS GOING OFF TEH RALES ON HIS CRAZEE TRANE? THIS SHIT BE GLOREEIS!!!1

    http://jasoomiandreams.blogspot.ca/2014/07/how-to-run-i-am-not-buying-it.html

    :p

    -NUNYA

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 15, 2014 3:45 am

      So Clovis Cithog M.D. is Dr. Arneson’s Spectre?
      Mind. Blown.

    • justme permalink
      July 15, 2014 5:48 am

      Looks on the money to me, not an unreasonable reaction to patient 53 .

      • NUNYA permalink
        July 15, 2014 6:06 am

        I LIKE HOW HE GOES BUTTHURT-FOR-TEARS ON HIS OWN BLOG CRYING ABOUT TEH NASTIES AND THEY COMMENTS THEN PULLS AN ULTRA-TROLE OF HIS ONW ON CLITS BLOG UNTIL CLOVIS LOCKS TEH COMMINTS, HAHA.

        TEHN HIM TRY TO BELITTLE HIM ASKING HOW MANY BOOKS HE AM PUBLISHED. PUBLISHED =/= QUALITY WHAT A FUKKIN EGOMANEAC-MAROON.

        :p
        -NUNYA

        P.S. – IF YEW SEE THIS ALEXGUY I ARE AN AUTOR TOO, AND I HAVE THREE (3) BOOKS PUBLISHED. YUP, LULU PRINTS ANY THINGI TELL’EM TOO. HAHAHA!

        P.P.S – ALSO ALEXY, IF YEW SEND ME $1000 DOLLRES ON PAYPAL I WILL SEND YEW ALL TEH GOOD WRITE TECHNIKS US PRO’S USE*

        *(legal notice – will send you fuck all asshole)

  64. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    July 15, 2014 11:39 am

    That Clovis guy is not a doctor or physician or whatever. I think he’s mentioned on his blog in years past that he is like a grade school teacher or something. He’s full of shit. Just another delusional weirdo on tha internets. He disappears for a year at a time and comes back again and again to do nothing with his chickenshit blog. He’s basically a more aggressive and combative Bloodymage.

    Not to take sides with Alexis (or any of The Unblown), but the guy has a shitty blog where until his recent weird posts he mostly just cuts and pastes text from John Carter stories. He made a shit martian game years ago that he couldn’t give away. He was even offering paying the postage himself. Nice veiled threat about being a gun packin’ rodeo dipshit though.

    • July 15, 2014 12:33 pm

      elves , blah
      I am an accomplished, successful man with a dodge viper, class III license and a large penis . . .

      I like REAL women ; – )

      “For answer the girl raised her revolver and fired point-blank at him. Without a sound he sank to the earth, dead.
      “Beast!’ she hissed. ‘After all these years I am at last revenged.” (GM IV)

      “No sense of fear influenced her decision, for fear is seldom known to the children of Mars. It was rather a sense of the responsibility that she, the daughter of their jeddak, felt for the welfare of her father’s people. (TMM I)

  65. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    July 15, 2014 1:51 pm

    Clovis Clithog’s statement that most humanoids with low hit points are constantly recovering from battle and being beat to shit when you encounter them is an interesting one. And by interesting I mean “retarded.”

    Makes for an interesting visual though. Imagine all that artwork of goblins and orcs and shit in the monster manual, except they are all wearing bloody, civil war style bandages on their arms, torso, and covering half their face. Some staggering along with a makeshift cane. Perhaps goblinoids invented the wheelchair?

    • Timotheus permalink
      July 15, 2014 2:09 pm

      Yeah. It totally needs to be explained why a goblin or orc or whatever gets killed when having a sword driven through them only once, instead of sustaining three or four fatal wounds. because like, no one ever gets killed from a single sword thrust.

      However, I kinda like the image of a goblin, orc, and kobold, all heavily badaged, and marching side by side like that Revolutionary War painting, playing fife and drum and carrying a flag, defiantly bearing their single hit point.

    • July 15, 2014 2:15 pm

      I think of it more as a Poagian aesthetic- goblins squatting to shit near centipede nests, or sticking their dicks in owlbear skulls without checking for beetles, or smacking the dungeon walls with flails to make a humorous point and having a mishap.

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 15, 2014 11:00 pm

      Poagian: And they are also shitting.

  66. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    July 15, 2014 7:19 pm

    https://www.facebook.com/clovis.cithog

    Ol’ Clove probably should not be calling the kettle a fat kettle. He looks like he could stand to lose a few, especially from those double d’s trying to burst out of his shirt. That photo actually looks like somebodies head from a distant shot was photo-shopped onto a close shot of somebody else. Almost the same proportions of the shrunken head dude from Beetlejuice.

  67. Let me tell you about my character permalink
    July 15, 2014 10:28 pm

    Aww, he’s not even close to Extra-Large He-Man Gamer Size. I’m 550 pounds and pantsless for all you know.

    Here’s another begger raising money to go to a con:

    http://www.gofundme.com/5f1nmc

    I can’t believe these turkeys. I’m beginning to wonder just how much my pride is worth. I wouldn’t mind a free week in Hawaii.

    • July 16, 2014 12:19 am

      He raised more money than poor old Blooey, who was trying to run a con. Fuh-huh-huh-huck, gamers are a weird bunch. He didn’t raise as much as that potato salad asshole, though… people are a weird bunch.

      DEATH TO PCs!!!

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 16, 2014 12:45 pm

        I still hope he Kickstarts the Blooey Eggs!

      • July 16, 2014 1:10 pm

        Bloo would probably ship them without dry ice.

        Save vs poison!

  68. Timotheus permalink
    July 16, 2014 10:00 am

    OK, so I can see some G+ feeds and not others. I caught a little bit of the Za/Pundit hate gayz stuff. But according to this long-ass back and forthery,

    it seems that Zak not only attacked some trans dude named Gau (“attack” being in the same vein as others he accuses of attacking him or his doxies) for being trans, but Zak also runs the site The Dongion. Maybe this is common knowledge, because in this thread the mods from rpg.net tell him that he has to take down that site if he is to be allowed to post there again, but I had no idea.

    If anybody gives a shit, is this accurate? Is Zak the dude behind the Dongion? Because that would go a long way to establishing his credentials as a TROLL, and proving he is a LIAR.

    Blessed be!

    Currently smoking: Elmer’s.

    • July 16, 2014 10:49 am

      Jesus Christ, the fuck does he find the TIME? Is he like Damien Hirst and he has assistants who do all the work?

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 16, 2014 12:44 pm

        Zak’s has a lot of free time living off of Mandy’s disability insurance. The irony is the only pig getting fucked is that diseased skank Mandy.

    • July 16, 2014 11:51 am

      That http://wouldyouagreethat.tumblr.com thing has potential. But Zak isn’t smart enough to be the Dungion. It’s probably one of you guys.

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 16, 2014 12:57 pm

        And talk about defining the narrative! I love that this public shaming pillory whipping post whatever covers its ass by saying “but don’t harass them!” Interesting that there are no names or contact info for the self-appointed party behind the site who makes all the decisions as to what gets posted for all eternity. Left Wing Conservatives from Big Purple Dildo suckling off of Tipper Gore’s twat love to hide behind anonymity. Since it’s only pieces of shit like Skarka, Zak S, John “RPGPundit” Tarnowski, and the rape loving Grim Jim Desborough in their sites for now, I can live with it, but there is a potential for abuse down the road.

  69. The elusive Todd Chambers permalink
    July 16, 2014 10:57 am

    Why doesn’t YDIS allow me to post funny shit about how everyone’s favorite sandwhich-squashing Canadian busrider Dragonsfoot kilt wearer, R.I.Z.A.K. T.H.E. R.E.A.L.L.Y. H.O.R.R.I.B.L.E, has a web page in which he boasts about his hand crafted vanilla extracts and, without skipping a beat, says that he really likes pooping and is proud of the pooping he does? I’m forced to use the Cialis salesman’s tactic of putting periods between the letters to get his name past the spam filter on this site. WTF?

    Why does that sandwhich sitting douchebag get diplomatic immunity on this site? Given his pride in having kicked a teenaged girl off her seat on the bus so he could sit his own fat ass down, plus the added bonus of he talks fondly about droppin’ off friends at the pool on the same site on which he is tryin’ to get rich quick by selling handmade vanilla extracts and I find myself wondering why we aren’t talking about this guy here… yet YDIS has used the auto banhammer in comments to prevent R*I*Z*A*K from being mocked as he deserves.

    What gives? I smell a conspiracy and it smells a lot like vanilla, bacon grease and farts wafting out from under an unwashed utilitikilt.

  70. The elusive Todd Chambers permalink
    July 16, 2014 12:11 pm

    Quote from his about page: “We understand that not only does everybody poop, but everyone takes pride in it.” Plus, buy my extracts!
    http://www.reallyhorrible.ca/about/
    I don’t know about you, but the only reference to pooping I want to see in the mission statement from a food manufacturer is, “Employees must wash hands after using restroom.” Maybe they do it different in Canada and people there LIKE fecal matter in their vanilla.

    • The elusive Todd Chambers permalink
      July 16, 2014 12:14 pm

      And thanks for editing the spam filter, chum.

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 16, 2014 12:47 pm

      I have to admit, reading stuff like that is a lot more fun than actually playing these stupid elf games. I see now why these RPG collectors (never actual players) get into it.

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 16, 2014 12:58 pm

        This comment was actually for this: http://wouldyouagreethat.tumblr.com/WhosWho

      • The elusive Todd Chambers permalink
        July 16, 2014 1:30 pm

        Mr. Unblown: The site you keep linking to is boring and stupid and pointless. Why do I want to read someone earnestly trying to ‘prove’ that these game bloggers are bad humans when he can’t be bothered to even dress it up a little with an amusing style?
        The people that “would you agree that” pupports to warn me against are actually much more entertaining than that stupid site.

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 16, 2014 3:08 pm

        The humor comes from pointing and laughing at the people behind it. And the people publicly shamed on it. It’s a win-win, really. But it’s no YDIS who is still the king.

  71. Timotheus permalink
    July 16, 2014 2:07 pm

    YES! Zakattack admits that he is a Social Justice Warrior:

    http://www.therpgsite.com/showthread.php?t=30000&page=60

    Post #600, at the bottom.

    He is too fucking stupid and arrogant and dishonest to realize he has become what he hates.

    • Recovering Retard permalink
      July 16, 2014 2:40 pm

    • Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
      July 16, 2014 3:54 pm

      And of course, refers to himself first and foremost as “porn actor.” Even his fucking Wikipedia entry, which he obviously wrote himself (even Satine wrote herself one, and many well-know actual porn stars don’t have one. These weird, sleazy fucks are all about the unwarranted hype aren’t they?) has very limited listings of such. It’s been shown elsewhere that he has no credits since 5 years ago. Where’s the citations, Zak Attack? Look, many of The Unblown are married with kids so there is proof they had some sex in the past as well, you weird-looking little dipshit. Cough up some proof (or some cum if you are secretly doing gay shit).

      • Let me tell you about my character permalink
        July 16, 2014 4:10 pm

        What is “alternative porn?” No, wait, never mind. I’m sure I don’t want to know.

      • Shitty McTits permalink
        July 16, 2014 4:40 pm

        To be fair, the existence of children prove that their wives had sex. Subtle, but important, distinction there.

      • July 17, 2014 6:34 pm

        “Alternative porn” is porn that never makes it to the torrent sites.

      • July 17, 2014 6:39 pm

        It’s safe to say that I know porn and I’m not really sure what the “alternative porn” criteria are

  72. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    July 16, 2014 5:12 pm

    http://www.dragonsfoot.org/forums/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=66750&start=30

    More fun with farting around the game table. Check page two, where our hero Blooeymage shows up to tell us what exactly his medical condition is (OK, not exactly, but it seems fart related). Also Thorkie, aged, wise-master in his 60’s (“Stay Thorkie, my friends”) hilariously proves he doesn’t know shit (pardon the almost pun) about reality by citing Youtube as the model of what most normal people do in their lives. Whatta maroon!

    I think that poot thread is going to offer up hidden treasures (pardon another almost pun) in the months to come.

    • July 16, 2014 8:22 pm

      Leave it to Blooey to get all serious, borderline tragic, even, in the fart joke thread.

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 17, 2014 4:16 am

        Dr. Spectre? Dr. Clovis? Can either of you do something to help Blooey?

        #fartitis #before__i_exit_this_world

      • July 17, 2014 6:30 pm

        #inblooenza

    • NUNYA permalink
      July 17, 2014 8:27 am

      SAY WHATCHO WANT ABOWT MY GOOD FRINDE BLUDDYMAIG, HE IS MOST DADICAITED RPG’ER IN TEH WHOLE OSR!!1
      WHO ELSE GONNA EAT A ROADKILL FOR NOURSIHMENT WHILE HIKING TO A CON CROSS COUNTRY? HUH, HUH?

      :p
      -NUNYA

  73. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    July 17, 2014 11:42 am

    http://www.dragonsfoot.org/forums/viewtopic.php?f=44&t=66934

    Clearly, Blooey is back on his feet. Rare opportunity to game with Oh Captain, My Captain.

    • July 17, 2014 11:57 am

      Damn, I might just jump on the opportunity, because, really, how long do we have left for such an endeavour?

    • July 17, 2014 6:27 pm

      Shit, I may have to create a Dragonsfoot profile…

      I think I’ll play a “thief” named Bellew, who is merely pursuing the larcenous arts so he can hone his investigative skills so he can solve the murder of his father… Bellew detective, if you will.

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 17, 2014 8:59 pm

      Hey YDIS: Would you let us run a PbP here?

  74. Kent permalink
    July 17, 2014 2:33 pm

    I got sick of Vice pretty fast, it’s like ice-cream-news. So I started watching Impractical Jokers, again good so far, what Im gathering from it though, from the taking a joke angle, is how neurotic white women are and how likable black women are. I know to which kind I would prefer to be forced to say, ‘I have been following you around the mall hypnotised by your proud buttocks.’

      • KenHR permalink
        July 17, 2014 4:43 pm

        God, what a fat fucking grinning idiot.

      • Let me tell you about my character permalink
        July 17, 2014 4:52 pm

        …and we had FUN !!!

      • Kent permalink
        July 17, 2014 8:08 pm

        Groan struck me more as a grease and pimple nosed fifteen year old halfwit.

        You know the type, indistinguishable from the idiot children you indulge here calling themselves Bigby’s blah blah and Fear of the Unknown.

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 17, 2014 9:02 pm

        ~prolapsed rectum

      • July 17, 2014 9:23 pm

        Now, Kent, what’s the point of collecting all those fancy editions of literary classics if it doesn’t improve your command of the language enough to conjure up a good insult?

        Your infamous trollery has gotten you banned from every single gaming forum, but you come to this, the trolliest of troll sites, and all you can discuss is boring forum fodder? “What’s in your Netflix queue?”

        Idiot children? Insipid, uninspired… your japes and jibes are jejune. I thought you were what Morrissey or RPG Pundit would term “a clever swine”. Bring your A-game when you troll here, nut up or shut up. Now, try again, with feeling!

        And try not to mention crayons in your retorts… such outré references reveal way to much about your paraphilias.

      • July 17, 2014 9:28 pm

        Jesus tittyfucking Christ, that last “to” was supposed to be “too”. My kingdom for an edit function, or some Weigelian Mind Flayer Moderation.

      • Tigglewinkle permalink
        July 17, 2014 10:13 pm

        Wait, Gronan is Old Geezer, right? The guy who’s always telling people over at the RPGSite to “tongue his peehole”?

        If that’s true, certainly I can see how he’d be sensitive to people not acting with decorum and generosity of spirit.

      • Sykirobme permalink
        July 18, 2014 5:03 am

        Jesus Christ, if you have an avatar like that, you should expect abuse. He probably does, and fingers his peehole at the thought. Obese fucker’s about as relevant to anything as Gene.

      • July 18, 2014 6:27 am

        Is it really abuse if he is, in fact, a grinning fat fuck?

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 18, 2014 6:05 pm

        “Fat fucking grinning idiot.”

        I could have sworn I also brought up the ripe odor of his unwiped butt crack too in that PM when I hacked into Scalydemon’s account….

    • July 17, 2014 6:36 pm

      Oh, Kent, you should have known that “Vice” was beneath you, such is your burden.

  75. PrinceofNothing permalink
    July 18, 2014 5:28 am

    Meanwhile on the plague-infested battlefields of the OSR, Pundit rallies the peasantry and raises new capitol for the next assault. If Sir Pundit turns out to have been in collusion with the Tranny-brigade of big-purple-dildo-stan all along i will be flabbergasted, for now i am merely impressed at his ability to monetize outrage(and indeed, anything).

    Donate some more to help me keep fighting the good fight, proclaims Sir Pundit. Send us your sons, your grain, your daughters and your coin. For the war against evil goes ever on, and the more i prosper, the more they will gnash their teeth and shake their clawed fists impotently at the glory of our divine righteousness. Why is my armour enamelled in gold? T’is so it will reflect the sun into mine enemies eyes! Why doth my horse’s shoes shine with embedded precious-stones? T’is so the enemy may feel our righteousness of purpose as i trample them ‘neath my majestic steed. The 5th will rise! A new age is dawning! Forward my flock! We will bury them neath’ a torrent of gold and silver! To War!

    http://therpgpundit.blogspot.nl/2014/07/now-you-can-outrage-outrage-brigade.html

    The pope is dead. Long live the Pope!

    • Timotheus permalink
      July 18, 2014 6:20 am

      So the cocksucker who laughed in the face of dozens of slaughtered children wants you to pay him to help fight “disturbing death threats.” Fuck Tarnowski. An irrelevamt piece of fly-covered shit. He and Pigfucker Zak deserve eachother. And fuck their toady Mearls too.

      • July 18, 2014 6:17 pm

        So the cocksucker who laughed in the face of dozens of slaughtered children wants you to pay him to help fight “disturbing death threats.”

        Do you have a link for this? This is a new one to me.

      • Timotheus permalink
        July 18, 2014 10:06 pm

        http://www.therpgsite.com/showthread.php?t=20591

        John Tarnowski is a classy guy.

      • July 18, 2014 10:33 pm

        Man, that was some serious dickery! At least most of the commentariat was taking him to the woodshed. Thanks for the link, man!

      • Timotheus permalink
        July 19, 2014 5:37 am

        No problem, Mr. Fist – I live to serve.

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 19, 2014 5:50 am

        My favorite part is when danbuter glosses over the right wing Christian nutjob who actually killed those kids to blame left wing liberals for not blindly supporting the apartheid state of Israel.

    • July 18, 2014 12:24 pm

      I wonder if RPGPundit and his erstwhile bedfellow ZakS, will have their names in the new core rule books as paid consultants. It might be worth watching their reaction then.

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 18, 2014 2:57 pm

      Yeah, Hasbro must be real happy with their choice of very public psychotic D&D Next consultants now…

      • July 18, 2014 6:18 pm

        They should have hired Kent and Blooey as their consultants. The resultant product would have been much, much better.

        Eddison in “Appendix N” FTW!!!

      • July 19, 2014 8:47 pm

        I’m with BLF. It’s like someone at Hasbro had to have greenlighted this without even doing a google search. “Just get me a couple of those kids who are popular with blogs and such!” It boggles the mind, to be certain. Again, the output would have been much more entertaining with Captain and the Kunt along for the ride.

    • NUNYA permalink
      July 19, 2014 7:51 am

      “raises new capitol…”

      C-A-P-I-T-A-L

      IF YEW ARE AM GOING TO USE A INGLISH IN A PUBIC FOUR-UM FUKKING LAERN TEH GOOD WRITING!!1

      :p
      -NUNYA

  76. Timotheus permalink
    July 18, 2014 6:40 am

    Looks like Pigfucker Zak and/or his butt buddies lost their nerve:

    A few of the goons at the rpgshite are lamenting the Dongion’s cowardly demise. Those dumbfucks. It was a cheap knockoff of this place, lacking the insight and the humor.

    • July 18, 2014 8:26 am

      The next time the Pigfucker Society bemoans censorship, I hope to Corellon Larethian that someone remembers to rub their noses in this.

  77. The elusive Todd Chambers permalink
    July 18, 2014 8:50 am

    In addition to contributing his words o’ wisdom to the DF farting thread, everyone’s favorite vanilla brewing, kilt wearing, sandwhich sitting, bus-riding, poop-proud viking is in search of a horned helmet to wear at craft shows to help him sell more home made vanilla:

    http://www.dragonsfoot.org/forums/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=66930

    Because when I think of vanilla, the first thing I think of are vikings… cause, well, no, actually, vanilla doesn’t make me think of vikings at all. Maybe they both start with the letter v? Then why not violins? Or vaginas?

    Quote: “…who doesn’t want to get their picture taken wearing the horn helmet? It’ll be a good draw to my booth…” In other words, he’s taking a page from the rest of the penny-scrabbling OSR mob and applying it to home made vanilla extracts brewed by a man who likes tell us how much he likes to poop. What, the ‘have your kids reach under my sporran for a free surprise’ wasn’t bringing ’em round like you thought, Rizak? I’m sure that ‘Have your picture taken wearing a tin helmet that was previously sitting on my greasy head’ will work like gangbusters!

    To quote Bloodymage, “Buy some product!”

    All this from a man who refers to himself as, “The dead center of the funny.” Well, that description is half right, anyway.

  78. Fucktard's Everfull Ass permalink
    July 18, 2014 8:13 pm

    Mike “grotard” Monard or whatever is such a big baby! Someone on the internet called me fat! Boohoo! Public Complaint filed!

    http://odd74.proboards.com/thread/10175/public-complaint-abuse-scalydemon

    • PrinceofNothing permalink
      July 19, 2014 3:33 am

      Quaint, but that link has already been posted above. Ten lashes.

      • Fucktard's Everfull Ass permalink
        July 19, 2014 5:40 am

        Damn. It was so fucking lame, too. No wonder the whole thread was deleted – your marquee poster acts like a baby “Scaleydemon called me a fatass fucking grinning idiot in a PM and I want to make a public complaint of abuse.” What a joke. You are a fat fucking grinning idiot. There is no abuse.

  79. NUNYA permalink
    July 19, 2014 8:39 am

    BY GYGACKS GRAVEE ENCRUSTED BEARD, CICERO’S GHOST GAVE HIM THESE WRITINGS !!

    “Transphobia is something that is bad and important and as a transperson I fucking hate you…”

    http://monstermanualsewnfrompants.blogspot.ca/2014/07/just-for-record.html

    THAT AM RITE. A BAD TRANSPHOBIC IS BAD. U MAD BRO?

    :p
    NUNYA

    • justme permalink
      July 19, 2014 11:35 am

      Transphobia is a thing now? Can’t we just stick with mostly not being a dick to other people? Being a dick to other people is bad and important and as a people I fucking hate dicks.

    • Timotheus permalink
      July 19, 2014 11:39 am

      Here is an official table. Whenever you point out something to one of the Pigfuck Brigade, roll a d12 to determine their response:
      1. Zak is a champion of justice and if you say differently you are a LIAR.
      2. John Tarnowski made D&D into what it is today. If you disagree, you are JEALOUS.
      3. That is a Logical Fallacy.
      4. Fat fucking grinning fool.
      5. You are evil.
      6. Show me proof! Link or you are a liar.
      7. That link doesn’t count.
      8. Nor does that one.
      9. I don’t remember exactly where I saw it, all the forums attack me.
      10. You are creepy.
      11. Children of different ideology than mine getting shot cracks me up.
      12. Roll twice.

  80. FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
    July 19, 2014 3:53 pm

    From Tenkar’s Turdshack http://www.tenkarstavern.com/2014/07/games-from-basement-tunnels-trolls-2e.html

    Why is it that every drawing of a woman in an RPG these unblown social retards own has nasty stains on it?

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 19, 2014 3:57 pm

      “2e was also very limited. My copy of 2e is +Ken St. Andre personal play copy.”

      Okay that could explain it.

      • Timotheus permalink
        July 19, 2014 8:22 pm

        You gotta admit, that image is intensely sexual.

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 19, 2014 3:57 pm

      “2e was also very limited. My copy of 2e is +Ken St. Andre personal play copy.”

      Okay that could explain it.

    • justme permalink
      July 21, 2014 1:19 pm

      Pizza grease.

  81. FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
    July 19, 2014 3:54 pm

    Here’s a direct link to the stained image http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4arFmyx_ECg/U8rBJ09TJII/AAAAAAAAWQM/d85-sgiWiJM/s1600/20140719_145118.jpg

  82. July 19, 2014 6:01 pm

    Kent, here’s your D.C.O. review, Go buy it and make Patrick sad.

    • July 19, 2014 6:38 pm

      The review doesn’t provide an answer to the one question I have about the tranny “artist” (I’ve seen better artwork done by quadriplegic retards in the asylum) Scrap Princess: Did he cut off his man junk yet and make roast beef curtains out of his scrotum, or is he still duct taping and tucking it under? (I sure hope nobody from the Problematic Tabletop sees this!)

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 19, 2014 6:39 pm

        Seems legit.
        Yeah….

      • July 19, 2014 6:54 pm

        Nobody here would be so base as to nymjack a personage so revered as Zak.

      • July 19, 2014 7:51 pm

        Scrap Princess is a pleasant eccentric. Have never seen any even remotely pretentious or irritating behavior.

      • July 19, 2014 9:43 pm

        tl;dr Scott’s a raging transphobe.

      • July 20, 2014 5:31 am

        **trigger warning**

        I love when Silence of the Lambs is on FX because instead of “would you fuck me?” etc. he’s like “would you HAVE me? i’d have me. i’d have me SO HARD”

  83. July 19, 2014 7:14 pm

    Ever since IRWS rode off into the sunset, the OSR Kickstarter scene has been lawless… well, now there’s a new sheriff in town.

    I hope he teams up with Blooey, though given Blooey’s poorly thought out “business partner” scams, Tenkar would probably go all “internal affairs” on his ass.

  84. Kent permalink
    July 19, 2014 7:37 pm

    Good review, and the module sounds interesting for once, but $10 for a pdf of something that I may delete after a few pages if I don’t like it is daft.

    • Kent permalink
      July 19, 2014 7:39 pm

      I think these things should always be free with a make a donation if you think it is worth anything facility.

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 19, 2014 8:25 pm

        ~Communist Butt Pirates!

    • July 19, 2014 8:57 pm

      Just run a Kickstarter to raise the money for the PDF, you might end up walking away with fifty large.

  85. July 19, 2014 7:49 pm

    Currently drinking: UVA berry Four Loko ::mug-drinking emoji::

  86. NUNYA permalink
    July 20, 2014 1:47 pm

    HAHA HERE ARE ZAK CRYING TEERS OF IMPOTINT RAIJ!

    “http://dndwithpornstars.blogspot.ca/2014/07/help-make-ennies-not-suck.html?zx=a48dd8a04b79ee9a”

    IMA VOTE HIM A DOUCHEBAG KWOTE FOR A INTERWEB AWARD:
    “So that’s how I’m voting, but you should vote how you like. ”
    HOW MAGNIMOUSE OUR TEH GREAT AND POWREFUL OZ IS TO US PEASNANTS TILLING HIS OSR VINYARD,

    :p
    -NUNYA

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 21, 2014 9:57 pm

      I thank the mother fucking Christ that the only blOwSR product nominated this year (Whisper & Venom) for the prestigious ENnie was written by people from the blOwSR you’ve never heard of or who make asshats of themselves through self(-important) promotion.

      As for that tranny-hating, gay bashing Zak S, he’s basically saying “the ENnie is biased, corrupt and meaningless. But I still want one anyway.” What a fucktard.

    • I forgot that Americans aren't the only fat fucks permalink
      July 20, 2014 3:38 pm

      Haha, ya’ fat fucking Euros.

  87. Timotheus permalink
    July 21, 2014 4:06 pm

    OK, you hosers have probably seen this Dragonspoot thread. But The Perilous Screaner is becoming my favoritest poster there, with his impenetrable dogma.

    http://www.dragonsfoot.org/forums/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=66998

    It doesn’t get really good until page 2 when Menzter shows up with a pretty concose smackdown that Screamer can’t comprehend even after several explanations.

    As a bonus, Gayven Blowking shows up to dispense some prefabricated POV, and everyone ignores him.

    Good stuff!

    • Timotheus permalink
      July 21, 2014 4:07 pm

      Damn, make that “concise” instead of concose (but I claim dibs on that word, whatever the fuck it means).

      • PrinceofNothing permalink
        July 21, 2014 5:03 pm

        Glad to see we remain vigilant.

        Turko makes the (correct) argument that the concept of railroading is somewhat poorly defined and there will always be some railroading(by some definitions) involved in any game. PerilousDreamer channels the avatar of Zak S with his cries for PROOF OR YOU AR AN LIAR, but lacks even the moderate level of intelligence required to sustain his strategy. Turns out words can mean different things to different people. No shit!

    • July 21, 2014 7:50 pm

      Man he just can’t stop fucking that chicken. His dreams are only perilous for the hens.

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 21, 2014 9:59 pm

      I think The Perilous Dreamer’s avatar was drawn by John Wayne Gacy. Probably his hero.

  88. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    July 21, 2014 7:40 pm

    Glad to see my buddy Thorkie getting in on the fun once again, this time bringing his own farts and shits to the party:

    “If the players aren’t going to take the helm that only leaves the DM. And if no one does, then everyone’s gonna be sitting around the sandbox till it fills with poop and smells and then everyone will get up and leave.

    Wait a minute, that sounds like the last checkers game with me and the old farts downtown. :oops:”

  89. Let me tell you about my character permalink
    July 21, 2014 9:25 pm

    Stop railroading this thread.

  90. July 21, 2014 11:43 pm

    Oh, fatbeards

    The first impression once in the shop, and I hate to be frank, was the overwhelming stench. This place really, really smells terrible. The first thing my 5 year old (who has no filters) quite emphatically said was… “what is that smell! Did someone fart?” As much as my daughter wanted to get some cards, she actually asked if we could leave as she didn’t like the atmosphere either.

    I’d like to say I was embarrassed, but I really wasn’t. Honestly, fart would have been a compliment in comparison to the immense wall of smell that hits you when the door opens. The place was packed with individuals for what I’m guessing was an event they were running, and the pungent smell of body odor and unchanged garbage can was truly overwhelming. While they surely can’t control the body odor of their patrons, the large garbage can full of soda and candy wrappers by the register was filled to the brim, and combined with the heat of the shop really seemed to amplify the smell coming from it all.

    Ok, enough about the smell. I loathe to focus so much on the smell, but it really had to be noted as it was a large part of our experience.

    Who knew “The Stink in Golonda” was a LARP?

  91. turdburglar permalink
    July 22, 2014 5:18 am

    Looks like little ‘Lexie got recognized by Gnome Stew. I wonder how he feels about that, especially since they usesome real math and reasoning to show that he’s not as smart as he thinks he is. Or will he sniff that turd to ecstasy too? http://www.gnomestew.com/gming-advice/the-7-5-hit-point-orcish-standard/

    • PrinceofNothing permalink
      July 22, 2014 7:43 am

      Votes are in. Lexi still a pretentious dumbass. Gnomestew gets 100 xp and the Scholastic Lore(Numerology) +10 advancement.
      Lexi’s attempts to generalize hit points and treat them as a biologically dependent factor of a sort of general health rather then an abstract mechanic resulting from a variety of factors fails when considering PC’s increase hit points dramatically when levelling up. Unless they literally grow new hearts and their skin hardens like diamond, its probably not genetic.

      • JDJarvis permalink
        July 22, 2014 12:35 pm

        Aw but Alexis used a whole bunch of words, how could the opinion of someone using a whole bunch of words be wrong…

    • July 22, 2014 9:12 am

      Alexis sez:

      Hit points are, in fact, real. They are a real mechanic performing a real function in an actual, real game design.

      That’s like saying Sherlock Holmes is a real fictional character performing the real function of protagonist in actual, real literature.

      Anyway, that’s my “real” hypothesis.

      • Dumb Dungeoneers permalink
        July 22, 2014 10:22 am

        #StopwiththefuckingorcHPmatrices!

      • JDJarvis permalink
        July 22, 2014 12:33 pm

        It really is.

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 22, 2014 3:44 pm

      Well, it just goes to show you can’t have ANALYSIS without the ANAL.

      #blOwSRunblown #getoutofyourparentsbasementyouareover40 #kentisgay

  92. Nunya permalink
    July 22, 2014 6:23 am

    I DONUT LIKE VARYIBLE WEAPON DAMAGE FOR A DEEANDEE COMBAT SIM.
    SO IMA BUILD TIHS TABLE SEE?
    SO I CAN SIMALATE VARIAYBLE WAPPON DAMIDGE.

    SUMWAIR IN A MULTIVRSE SPOK JUST MAKED A ANDROYD SUECIDE ITSELF WITH LOGIK.

    http://aeonsnaugauries.blogspot.ca/2014/07/simulating-variable-weapon-damage.html

    😛

    • JDJarvis permalink
      July 22, 2014 12:31 pm

      Actually, I dontz mindz the variable damage at all. Me likez the numberz so I didz my postz, becuz I wanted to (best reason of all).

      • NUNYA permalink
        July 22, 2014 2:24 pm

        THIS NO FUN IF YEW GONNABE ALL NICE AND RAISINIBLE ABOWT IT – SHEESH!!!1

  93. turdburglar permalink
    July 22, 2014 11:54 am

    Maybe a visit to this blog: http://satelliteshow.wordpress.com/2010/05/22/not-so-great-rpg-systems-leading-edge-games/ will help ‘Lexus see what an unbrilliant wankquest he’s on. A high school buddy had this system back in the day. It was pretty good at modelling combat effects, but fuck all where fun was concerned.

  94. Hansgruber permalink
    July 22, 2014 12:03 pm

    From the WotC forums.

    I would make a wager that one is more likely to be mocked and ridiculed for bringing a drizzt wanna-be drow character to a D&D table than for being gay IRL. At least thats how I suspect my table would react. You guys do know Bob doesnt allow drow PCs in his home game and he invented drizzt. Based on these forums the underdark is crawling with chaotic good and chaotic neutral drow all trying to escape a evil civilization that must have long disappeared under the weight of all the special snow flakes.

    Another observation and this is a question by comparison
    Guy who wears wizard robes and hat but attracted to females = straight but wierd or maybe mentally deranged.
    Guy who wears evening wear and make up but attracted to women = invented gender brand?
    Guy who dresses like a guy but digs guys = homosexual
    Guy who dresses like a lady and digs guys = homosexual

    Basically when did larping become a gender? Basing a supposed gender on what cloths you wear seems incredibly shallow no? Are furries now a distict “gender” Does seem like some group or other keeps adding letters to that alphabet mess that some folks are promoting.

  95. Kent permalink
    July 22, 2014 12:14 pm

    I am getting a real kick out Impractical Jokers, those guys have some balls. I do wonder though why people who do the shit they do *without* an audience of one or more in on the joke are considered mad. Why aren’t they considered funny too? Perhaps nutbags are solitary impractical jokers.

    • Kent permalink
      July 22, 2014 12:51 pm

      And when I say those guys have ‘some balls’ Im talking about their courage.

      • Hansgruber permalink
        July 22, 2014 1:03 pm

        How they have escaped a brutal beating is a mystery.

      • Kent permalink
        July 22, 2014 1:11 pm

        Of course we don’t get to see general audience unfriendly material but yeah the chaps have been on the Doug Stanhope podcast, which is where I heard about them, and had no dark stories for us, so the US populace seems pretty polite.

  96. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    July 22, 2014 1:32 pm

    I haven’t heard anything about Doug Stanhope since he helped destroy “The Man Show” with his supreme unfunnyness. The way you try to here, Kunto.

    On a non-Kunt note, check this out. Attention-starved? Check. Herd mentality? Check. Every one of these describes The Unblown to a “T”

    http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/4-reasons-people-get-suckered-into-idiotic-kickstarters/

  97. Timotheus permalink
    July 23, 2014 6:58 am

    #NOkentD&D

    #shameonIreland

    • F 1-2-3 .... Against the Fatbeards permalink
      July 24, 2014 6:40 am

      #UKsocializedHealthCarefail
      #Kent’sMedsAren’tWorking
      #AlexisToo

  98. Kent permalink
    July 23, 2014 12:30 pm

    YDIS is working extra hours at his burger joint.

    • Recovering Retard permalink
      July 23, 2014 3:10 pm

    • Kent permalink
      July 24, 2014 3:58 am

      No I mean YDIS is fit only to flip burgers. I can’t imagine him doing anything else other than eating them.

      By the way if anyone has the deep carbon pdf you should make it available here, ie provide a link here. Respect the guy, respect the copyright is my motto.

      • Recovering Retard permalink
        July 24, 2014 5:51 am

        No orcs shitting babies, no neckbeard magic molestation – this is no Dwimmermount… but here you go, Kent:

        http://www.bgs.ac.uk/earthscienceEurope/downloads/DeepCarbonObservatory.pdf

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 24, 2014 5:58 am

        ~rump rangers

      • July 24, 2014 8:32 am

        By the way if anyone has the deep carbon pdf you should make it available here, ie provide a link here. Respect the guy, respect the copyright is my motto.

        Kent, Kent, Kent, this isn’t suckchan. Suckchan? That suggests a solution… The author indicated that he is a closeted gay man. His infatuation with Zach indicates that he has poor taste in men. You’re a (not-so-successfully) closeted gay man who is no prize pig- maybe you can suck the guy off for a PDF copy.

      • Kent permalink
        July 24, 2014 1:28 pm

        You know, you two village idiots should really fight it out. After all, it is *The* village idiot you both appear to be going for rather than the more general ‘inmate’.

      • Bigby's Lubed Fist permalink
        July 24, 2014 4:07 pm

        No need for the pleasantries, Kent, just post a review of the product.

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 24, 2014 6:34 pm

        BLF and I are more like Cliffy and Norm from Cheers.

      • July 24, 2014 7:03 pm

        I thought we were more like the Wild Samoans.

  99. Let me tell you about my character permalink
    July 24, 2014 5:15 pm

    Hopefully Hasbro has been alerted to this post by now. This is the type of hard-hitting commentary on 5E that they need to hear.

    • Timotheus permalink
      July 24, 2014 6:41 pm

      It would have been the funniest thing in the world if the list of consultants included YDIS.

      • July 24, 2014 7:04 pm

        I’m still holding out for Kent and Blooey to make the list.

      • July 24, 2014 8:55 pm

        My phalanges are juxtaposed. Har, har.

        If I had the money, I would just rent them a late 70s Monte Carlo and pay them to develop a game whilst travelling across the US. Cannonball Run + Our Captain + Kent with the added complication of developing rules and/or a setting could only equal some kind of genius that will forever be unequalled. Trust me.

  100. tao dnd permalink
    July 25, 2014 7:29 am

    Hamburger
    From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    This article is about the sandwich. For the meat served as part of such a sandwich, see Patty. For other uses, see Hamburger (disambiguation).

    This article possibly contains original research. Please improve it by verifying the claims made and adding inline citations. Statements consisting only of original research should be removed. (June 2007)
    Hamburger

    A hamburger
    Type Main course
    Place of origin
    Uncertain (Germany or the United States)
    Creator(s) Multiple claims (see text)
    Serving temperature
    Hot
    Main ingredients
    Ground meat, bread
    Cookbook:Hamburger Hamburger
    A hamburger (also called a beef burger, hamburger sandwich, burger or hamburg) is a sandwich consisting of one or more cooked patties of ground meat (usually beef) usually placed inside a sliced hamburger bun. Hamburgers are often served with lettuce, bacon, tomato, onion, pickles, cheese and condiments such as mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup and relish.[1]

    The term “burger” can also be applied to the meat patty on its own, especially in the UK where the term “patty” is rarely used. The term may be prefixed with the type of meat as in “turkey burger”.

    Contents [hide]
    1 Etymology
    2 History
    2.1 Claims of invention
    2.1.1 Louis Lassen
    2.1.2 Charlie Nagreen
    2.1.3 Otto Kuase
    2.1.4 Oscar Weber Bilby
    2.1.5 Frank and Charles Menches
    2.1.6 Fletcher Davis
    2.1.7 Other hamburger-steak claims
    2.2 Early major vendors
    3 Hamburgers today
    4 Variations
    4.1 United States and Canada
    4.2 Mexico
    4.3 United Kingdom and Ireland
    4.4 Australia and New Zealand
    4.5 China
    4.6 Japan
    4.7 Other countries
    5 Unusual hamburgers
    6 Slang
    7 See also
    8 References
    9 Further reading
    10 External links
    Etymology

    The hamburger is named after Hamburg, Germany
    The term hamburger originally derives from Hamburg,[2] Germany’s second largest city, from which many people emigrated to the United States. In High German, Burg means fortified settlement or fortified refuge and is a widespread component of place names. Hamburger, in the German language, is the demonym of Hamburg. Similar to frankfurter and wiener, names for other meat-based foods, being demonyms of the cities of Frankfurt and Vienna (Wien), respectively.

    The term “burger”, a back-formation, is associated with many different types of sandwiches similar to a (ground meat) hamburger, using different meats, such as a buffalo burger, venison, kangaroo, turkey, elk, lamb, salmon burger or veggie burger.[3]

    History
    Main articles: History of the hamburger and History of the hamburger in the United States
    The hamburger, a ground meat patty between two slices of bread, was first created in America in 1900 by Louis Lassen, a Danish immigrant, owner of Louis’ Lunch in New Haven, Connecticut.[4] There have been rival claims by Charlie Nagreen, Frank and Charles Menches, Oscar Weber Bilby, and Fletcher David.[5][6] White Castle traces the origin of the hamburger to Hamburg, Germany with its invention by Otto Kuase.[7] However, it gained national recognition at the 1904 St. Louis World’s Fair when the New York Tribune namelessly attributed the hamburger as, “the innovation of a food vendor on the pike”.[6] No conclusive claim has ever been made to end the dispute over the inventor of the hamburger with a variety of claims and evidence asserted since its creation. An article from ABC News sums up the problems of identifying the origins of the hamburger by stating, “One problem is that there is little written history. Another issue is that the spread of the burger happened largely at the World’s Fair, from tiny vendors that came and went in an instant. And it is entirely possible that more than one person came up with the idea at the same time in different parts of the country.”[8]

    Claims of invention
    Louis Lassen
    The Library of Congress has officially declared that Louis Lassen of Louis’ Lunch, a small lunch wagon in New Haven, Connecticut, sold the first hamburger and steak sandwich in the U.S. in 1900.[9][10][11] New York magazine states that, “The dish actually had no name until some rowdy sailors from Hamburg named the meat on a bun after themselves years later”, noting also that this claim is subject to dispute.[12] A customer ordered a quick hot meal and Louis was out of steaks. Taking ground beef trimmings, Louis made a patty and grilled it, putting it between two slices of toast.[6] Though some critics like Josh Ozersky, a food editor for New York Magazine, claim that this sandwich was not a hamburger because the bread was toasted.[13]

    Charlie Nagreen
    One of the earliest claims comes from Charlie Nagreen, who in 1885 sold a meatball between two slices of bread at the Seymour Fair[14] now called the Outagamie County Fair in some attributions.[13] The Seymour Community Historical Society of Seymour, Wisconsin, credits Nagreen, now known as “Hamburger Charlie”, with the invention of the hamburger. Nagreen was fifteen when he reportedly made sandwiches out of pork that he was selling at the 1885 Seymour Fair (now the Outagamie County Fair), so that customers could eat while walking. The Historical Society explains that Nagreen named the hamburger after the Hamburg steak with which local German immigrants were familiar.[15][16]

    Otto Kuase
    According to White Castle, Otto Kuase was the inventor of the hamburger. In 1891 he created a beef patty cooked in butter, topped with a fried egg. German sailors would later omit the fried egg.[6]

    Oscar Weber Bilby
    Another claim attributes the invention of the hamburger to Oscar Weber Bilby in 1891.[5][17][18][19] The family of Oscar Weber Bilby claim the first-known hamburger on a bun was served on Grandpa Oscar’s farm using a yeast bun on the Fourth of July.[20] In 1995, Governor Frank Keating proclaimed that the first true hamburger on a bun was created and consumed in Tulsa, Oklahoma in 1891; calling Tulsa, “The Real Birthplace of the Hamburger.”[21]

    Frank and Charles Menches
    Another claim from 1885 comes from Frank and Charles Menches who claim to have sold a ground beef sandwich at the Erie County Fair in Hamburg, New York.[13] During the fair, they ran out of pork sausage for their sandwiches and substituted beef.[14] Kunzog, who spoke to Frank Menches, says they exhausted their supply of sausage, so purchased chopped up beef from a butcher, Andrew Klein. Though historian Joseph Streamer wrote that the meat was from Stein’s market not Klein’s; despite Stein having sold the market in 1874.[14] The story notes that the origin of the hamburger comes from Hamburg, New York not Hamburg Germany.[14] Yet Frank Menches’s obituary in The New York Times states that these events took place at the 1892 Summit County Fair in Akron, Ohio.[22]

    Fletcher Davis
    Fletcher Davis of Athens, Texas claimed to have invented the hamburger. According to oral histories, in the 1880s, he opened a lunch counter in Athens and served a ‘burger’ of fried ground beef patties with mustard and Bermuda onion between two slices of bread; with a pickle on the side.[6] The claim is that in 1904, Davis and his wife Ciddy ran a sandwich stand at the St. Louis World’s Fair.[6] Historian Frank X. Tolbert, noted that Athen’s resident Clint Murchison said his grandfather dated the hamburger to the 1880s with ‘Old Dave’ a.k.a. Fletcher Davis.[14] A photo of “Old Dave’s Hamburger Stand” from the 1904 connection was sent to Tolbert as evidence of the claim.[14] Also the New York Tribune namelessly attributed the innovation of the hamburger to the stand on the pike.[6]

    Other hamburger-steak claims
    Various non-specific claims of the hamburgers invention relates to the term hamburger steak, but no mention of it being a sandwich. The first printed American menu which listed hamburger was claimed to be an 1826 menu from Delmonico’s in New York.[23] However,the printer of the original menu was not in business in 1834.[20] In 1889, a menu from Walla Walla Union in Washington offered hamburger steak as a menu item.[6]

    Between 1871–1884, “Hamburg Beefsteak” was on the “Breakfast and Supper Menu” of the Clipper Restaurant at 311/313 Pacific Street in San Fernando, California. It cost 10 cents—the same price as mutton chops, pig’s feet in batter, and stewed veal. It was not, however, on the dinner menu, only “Pig’s Head”. “Calf Tongue” and “Stewed Kidneys” were listed.[24]

    Another claim ties the hamburger to Summit County, New York or Ohio. Summit County, Ohio exists, but Summit County, New York does not.[14]

    Early major vendors
    See also: History of White Castle and History of McDonald’s

    The McDonald’s Big Mac
    1921: White Castle, Wichita, Kansas. Due to widely prevalent anti-German sentiment in the U.S. during World War I, an alternative name for hamburgers was Salisbury steak. Following the war, hamburgers became unpopular until the White Castle restaurant chain marketed and sold large numbers of small 2.5-inch square hamburgers, known as sliders. They started to punch five holes in each patty, which help them cook evenly and eliminates the need to flip the burger. White Castle began in 1995 selling frozen hamburgers in convenience stores and vending machines.[25]
    1940: McDonald’s restaurant, San Bernardino, California, opened by Richard and Maurice McDonald. Their introduction of the “Speedee Service System” in 1948 established the principles of the modern fast-food restaurant. The McDonald brothers began franchising in 1953. In 1961, Ray Kroc (the supplier of their multi-mixer milkshake machines) purchased the company from the brothers for $2.7 million and a 1.9% royalty.
    Hamburgers today

    A fast food hamburger from Sonic Drive-In.

    Hamburger preparation in a fast food establishment.
    Hamburgers are usually a feature of fast food restaurants. The hamburgers served in major fast food establishments are usually mass-produced in factories and frozen for delivery to the site.[26] These hamburgers are thin and of uniform thickness, differing from the traditional American hamburger prepared in homes and conventional restaurants, which is thicker and prepared by hand from ground beef. Generally most American hamburgers are round, but some fast-food chains, such as Wendy’s, sell square-cut hamburgers. Hamburgers in fast food restaurants are usually grilled on a flat-top, but some firms, such as Burger King, use a gas flame grilling process. At conventional American restaurants, hamburgers may be ordered “rare”, but normally are served medium-well or well-done for food safety reasons. Fast food restaurants do not usually offer this option.

    The McDonald’s fast-food chain sells the Big Mac, one of the world’s top selling hamburgers, with an estimated 550 million sold annually in the United States.[27] Other major fast-food chains, including Burger King (also known as Hungry Jack’s in Australia), A&W, Culver’s, Whataburger, Carl’s Jr./Hardee’s chain, Wendy’s (known for their square patties), Jack in the Box, Cook Out, Harvey’s, Shake Shack, In-N-Out Burger, Five Guys, Fatburger, Vera’s, Burgerville, Back Yard Burgers, Lick’s Homeburger, Roy Rogers, Smashburger, and Sonic also rely heavily on hamburger sales. Fuddruckers and Red Robin are hamburger chains that specialize in the mid-tier “restaurant-style” variety of hamburgers.

    Some North American establishments offer a unique take on the hamburger beyond what is offered in fast food restaurants, using upscale ingredients such as sirloin or other steak along with a variety of different cheeses, toppings, and sauces. Some examples would be the Bobby’s Burger Palace chain founded by well-known chef and Food Network star Bobby Flay.

    Hamburgers are often served as a fast dinner, picnic or party food, and are usually cooked outdoors on barbecue grills.

    Raw hamburger may contain harmful bacteria that can produce food-borne illness such as Escherichia coli O157:H7, due to the occasional initial improper preparation of the meat, so caution is needed during handling and cooking. Because of the potential for food-borne illness, the USDA recommends hamburgers be cooked to an internal temperature of 170 °F (80 °C). If cooked to this temperature, they are considered well-done.[28]

    A high-quality hamburger patty is made entirely of ground (minced) beef and seasonings; this may be described as an “all-beef hamburger” or “all-beef patties” to distinguish them from inexpensive hamburgers made with added flour, textured vegetable protein, ammonia treated defatted beef trimmings which the company Beef Products Inc, calls “lean finely textured beef”,[29][30] advanced meat recovery or other fillers to decrease their cost. In the 1930s ground liver was sometimes added to the patties. Some cooks prepare their patties with binders, such as eggs or breadcrumbs. Seasonings may be included with the hamburger patty including salt and pepper, and others such as parsley, onions, soy sauce, Thousand Island dressing, onion soup mix, or Worcestershire sauce. Many name brand seasoned salt products are also used.

    A restaurant dish consisting of smaller versions of three different hamburgers available in the restaurant, each with different toppings, accompanied with French fries, coleslaw, jalapeños, ketchup and sweet chili sauce.

    In Finland, night-time fast food kiosks sell hamburgers to take away and eat at home. These hamburgers are intended mostly as quick nourishment instead of a culinary experience.

    An extremely spicy hamburger containing Naga Morich chili sauce.
    Variations

    In Finland, hamburgers are sometimes served in buns made of rye instead of wheat.
    Burgers can also be made with patties made from ingredients other than beef.[31] For example, a turkey burger uses ground turkey meat, a chicken burger uses ground chicken meat. A buffalo burger uses ground meat from a bison, and an ostrich burger is made from ground seasoned ostrich meat. A deer burger uses ground venison from deer.[32]

    A veggie burger, garden burger, or tofu burger uses a meat analogue, a meat substitute such as tofu, TVP, seitan (wheat gluten), quorn, beans, grains or an assortment of vegetables, ground up and mashed into patties.

    United States and Canada
    See also: Cheeseburger, Chili burger and History of the hamburger in the United States

    North American homemade hamburger

    Beef mini hamburgers

    A Double Steakhouse hamburger served at Burger King, Helsinki, Finland.
    In the United States and Canada, burgers may be classified as two main types: fast food hamburgers and individually prepared burgers made in homes and restaurants. The latter are often prepared with a variety of toppings, including lettuce, tomato, onion, and often sliced pickles (or pickle relish). French fries often accompany the burger. Cheese (usually processed cheese slices but often Cheddar, Swiss, pepper jack, or blue), either melted on the meat patty or crumbled on top, is generally an option.

    Condiments might be added to a hamburger or may be offered separately on the side including mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup, salad dressings and barbecue sauce.

    Other toppings include bacon, avocado or guacamole, sliced sautéed mushrooms, cheese sauce and/or chili (usually without beans), fried egg, scrambled egg, feta cheese, blue cheese, salsa, pineapple, jalapenos and other kinds of chili peppers, anchovies, slices of ham or bologna, pastrami or teriyaki-seasoned beef, tartar sauce, french fries, onion rings or potato chips.

    Standard toppings on hamburgers may depend upon location, particularly at restaurants that are not national or regional franchises. A “Texas burger” uses mustard as the only sauce, and comes with or without vegetables, jalapeno slices, and cheese. In the Upper Midwest, particularly Wisconsin, burgers are often made with a buttered bun, butter as one of the ingredients of the patty or with a pat of butter on top of the burger patty. This is called a “butter burger”. In the Carolinas, a hamburger “with everything” may be served with cheese, chili, onions, mustard, and coleslaw. National chain Wendy’s sells a “Carolina Classic” burger with these toppings in these areas. In Hawaii hamburgers are often topped with teriyaki sauce, derived from the Japanese-American culture, and locally grown pineapple. Waffle House claims on its menus and website to offer 70,778,880 different ways of serving a hamburger. In portions of the Midwest and East coast, a hamburger served with lettuce, tomato, and onion is called a “California burger”. This usage is sufficiently widespread to appear on the menus of Dairy Queen. In the Western U.S., a “California” burger often means a cheeseburger, with guacamole and bacon added. Pastrami burgers may be served in Salt Lake City, Utah.[33]

    A hamburger with two patties is called a “double decker” or simply a “double”, a hamburger with three patties is called a “triple”. Doubles and triples are often combined with cheese and sometimes with bacon, yielding a “double cheeseburger” or a “triple bacon cheeseburger”, or alternatively, a “bacon double or triple cheeseburger”.
    A hamburger smothered in red or green chile is called a slopper.
    A patty melt consists of a patty, sautéed onions and cheese between two slices of rye bread. The sandwich is then buttered and fried.
    A slider is a very small square hamburger patty sprinkled with diced onions and served on an equally small bun. According to the earliest citations, the name originated aboard U.S. Navy ships, due to the way greasy burgers slid across the galley grill while the ship pitched and rolled.[34][35] Other versions claim the term “slider” originated from the hamburgers served by flight line galleys at military airfields, which were so greasy they slid right through you; or because their small size allows them to “slide” right down your throat in one or two bites.
    The term “steakburger” is commonly used to describe a hamburger made with patties from meat considered to be of higher quality, such as ground steak or other lean ground beef. It is known mostly for the burgers named as “steakburgers” on the menu of restaurants such as Freddy’s Frozen Custard & Steakburgers and Steak ‘n Shake.
    In Alberta, Canada a “kubie burger” is a hamburger made with a pressed Ukrainian sausage (kubasa).[36]
    In Minnesota, a “Juicy Lucy”, or “Jucy Lucy”, is a hamburger having cheese inside the meat patty rather than on top. A piece of cheese is surrounded by raw meat and cooked until it melts, resulting in a molten core of cheese within the patty. This scalding hot cheese tends to gush out at the first bite, so servers frequently warn patrons to let the sandwich cool for a few minutes before consumption.
    A low carb burger is a hamburger where the bun is omitted and large pieces of lettuce are used in its place, with mayonnaise and/or mustard being the sauces primarily used.[37][38][39]
    A ramen burger, invented by Keizo Shimamoto, is a hamburger patty sandwiched between two discs of compressed ramen noodles in lieu of a traditional bun.[40]
    Mexico
    In Mexico, burgers (called hamburguesas) are served with ham[41] and slices of American cheese (locally called queso americano) fried on top of the meat patty. The toppings include avocado, jalapeño slices, shredded lettuce, onion and tomato. The bun has mayonnaise, ketchup and mustard. In certain parts are served with bacon, which can be fried or grilled along with the meat patty. A slice of pineapple is also a usual option, and the variation is known as a “Hawaiian hamburger”.

    Some restaurants’ burgers also have barbecue sauce, and others also replace the ground patty with sirloin, Al pastor meat, barbacoa or a fried chicken breast. Many burger chains from the United States can be found all over Mexico, including Carl’s Jr., Sonic, as well as global chains such as McDonald’s and Burger King.

    United Kingdom and Ireland
    Hamburgers in the UK and Ireland are very similar to their US cousins, and the High Street is dominated by the same big two chains as in the U.S. — McDonald’s and Burger King. The menus offered to both countries are virtually identical, although portion sizes tend to be smaller in the UK. In Ireland the food outlet Supermacs is widespread throughout the country serving burgers as part of its menu. In Ireland, Abrakebabra (started out selling kebabs) and Eddie Rocket’s are also major chains.

    An original and indigenous rival to the big two U.S. giants was the quintessentially British fast-food chain Wimpy, originally known as Wimpy Bar (opened 1954 at the Lyon’s Corner House in Coventry Street London), which served its hamburgers on a plate with British-style chips, accompanied by cutlery and delivered to the customer’s table. In the late 1970s, to compete with McDonald’s,[42] Wimpy began to open American-style counter-service restaurants and the brand disappeared from many UK high streets when those restaurants were re-branded as Burger Kings between 1989–90 by the then-owner of both brands, Grand Metropolitan. A management buyout in 1990 split the brands again and now Wimpy table-service restaurants can still be found in many town centers whilst new counter-service Wimpys are now often found at motorway service stations.

    Hamburgers are also available from mobile kiosks, particularly at outdoor events such as football matches. Burgers from this type of outlet are usually served without any form of salad — only fried onions and a choice of tomato ketchup, mustard or brown sauce.

    Chip shops, particularly in the West Midlands, North-East, Scotland and Ireland, serve battered hamburgers called batter burgers. This is where the burger patty, by itself, is deep-fat-fried in batter and is usually served with chips.

    Hamburgers and veggie burgers served with chips and salad, are standard pub grub menu items. Many pubs specialize in “gourmet” burgers. These are usually high quality minced steak patties, topped with items such as blue cheese, brie, avocado et cetera. Some British pubs serve burger patties made from more exotic meats including venison burgers (sometimes nicknamed Bambi Burgers), bison burgers, ostrich burgers and in some Australian themed pubs even kangaroo burgers can be purchased. These burgers are served in a similar way to the traditional hamburger but are sometimes served with a different sauce including redcurrant sauce, mint sauce and plum sauce.

    In the early 21st century “premium” hamburger chain and independent restaurants have arisen, selling burgers produced from meat stated to be of high quality and often organic, usually served to eat on the premises rather than to take away.[43] Chains include Gourmet Burger Kitchen, Ultimate Burger, Hamburger Union and Byron Hamburgers in London. Independent restaurants such as Meatmarket and Dirty Burger developed a style of rich, juicy burger in 2012 which is known as a dirty burger or third-wave burger.[44]

    In recent years Rustlers has sold pre-cooked hamburgers re-heat able in a microwave oven in the United Kingdom.[45]

    In the UK, as in North America and Japan, the term “burger” can refer simply to the patty, be it beef, some other kind of meat, or vegetarian.

    Australia and New Zealand

    This hamburger in a fast food restaurant in Auckland, New Zealand contains beetroot for flavor.
    Fast food franchises sell American style fast food hamburgers in Australia and New Zealand. The traditional Australasian hamburgers are usually bought from fish and chip shops or milk bars. The hamburger meat is almost always ground beef, or “mince” as it is more commonly referred to in Australia and New Zealand. They commonly include tomato, lettuce, grilled onion and meat as minimum, and can optionally include cheese, beetroot, pineapple, a fried egg and bacon. If all these optional ingredients are included it is known in Australia as “The Lot”.[46][47]

    The only variance between the two countries’ hamburgers is that New Zealand’s equivalent to the “The Lot” often contains a steak (beef) as well. The condiments regularly used are barbecue sauce and tomato sauce. The McDonald’s “McOz” Burger is partway between American and Australian style burgers, having beetroot and tomato in an otherwise typical American burger, however it is no longer a part of the menu. Likewise McDonald’s in New Zealand created a Kiwiburger, similar to a Quarter Pounder, but features salad, beetroot and a fried egg. The Hungry Jack’s (Burger King) “Aussie Burger” has tomato, lettuce, onion, cheese, bacon, beetroot, egg, ketchup and a meat patty.[48]

    China
    In China, restaurants such as McDonald’s and KFC have been proliferating all across the country. In many parts of China, small hamburger chains have opened up.

    In supermarkets and corner stores, customers can buy unrefrigerated “hamburgers” (hanbao) off the bread shelf. These are ultra-sweet buns cut open with a thin slice of pork or ham placed inside without any condiments or vegetables. These hanbao are a half-westernised form of the traditional Cantonese buns called “char siu bao” (BBQ Pork Bun). The Chinese word for hamburger (hanbao) often refers to all sandwiches containing hamburger buns and cooked meat, regardless of the meat’s origin including chicken burgers.

    Japan

    Hamburg steak

    MOS Burger rice burger
    In Japan, hamburgers can be served in a bun, called hanbāgā (ハンバーガー), or just the patties served without a bun, known as hanbāgu (ハンバーグ) or “hamburg”, short for “hamburg steak”.

    Hamburg steaks (served without buns) are similar to what are known as Salisbury steaks in the USA. They are made from minced beef, pork or a blend of the two, mixed with minced onions, egg, breadcrumbs and spices. They are served with brown sauce (or demi-glace in restaurants) with vegetable or salad sides, or occasionally in Japanese curries. It is may be served in casual, western style suburban restaurant chains known in Japan as “family restaurants”.

    Hamburgers in buns, on the other hand, are predominantly the domain of fast food chains such as American chains known as McDonald’s and Wendy’s. Japan has home grown hamburger chain restaurants such as MOS Burger, First Kitchen and Freshness Burger. Local varieties of burgers served in Japan include teriyaki burgers, katsu burgers (containing tonkatsu) and burgers containing shrimp korokke. Some of the more unusual examples include the rice burger, where the bun is made of rice, and the luxury 1000-yen (US$10) “Takumi Burger” (meaning “artisan taste”), featuring avocados, freshly grated wasabi, and other rare seasonal ingredients. In terms of the actual patty, there are burgers made with Kobe beef, butchered from cows that are fed with beer and massaged daily. McDonald’s Japan also recently launched a McPork burger, made with U.S. pork. McDonald’s has been gradually losing market share in Japan to these local hamburger chains, due in part to the preference of Japanese diners for fresh ingredients and more refined, “upscale” hamburger offerings.[49] Burger King once retreated from Japan, but re-entered the market in Summer 2007 in cooperation with the Korean owned Japanese fast-food chain Lotteria.

    Other countries

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    Chicken burger with rice bun (sold in Taiwan, Korea, Hong Kong, Macao, the Philippines, Thailand and Singapore). Note that the “bun” is composed of cooked rice
    Rice burgers, mentioned above, are also available in several East Asian countries such as Taiwan and South Korea. Lotteria is a big hamburger franchise in Japan owned by the South Korean Lotte group, with outlets also in China, South Korea, Vietnam, and Taiwan. In addition to selling beef hamburgers, they also have hamburgers made from squid, pork, tofu, and shrimp. Variations available in South Korea include Bulgogi burgers and Kimchi burgers.

    In the Philippines a wide range of major U.S. fast-food franchises are well represented, together with local imitators, often amended to the local palate. The chain McDonald’s (locally nicknamed “McDo”) have a range of burger and chicken dishes often accompanied by plain steamed rice and/or French fries. The Philippines boasts its own burger-chain called Jollibee, which offers burger meals and chicken, including a signature burger called “Champ”. Jollibee now has a number of outlets in the United States, the Middle East and East Asia.

    • July 25, 2014 8:07 am

      Hi Kent!

      Have you earned your cut ‘n’ paste merit badge yet?

    • justme permalink
      July 25, 2014 9:31 am

      Gotta love the accuracy and relevance of wikipedia.
      “In portions of the Midwest and East coast, a hamburger served with lettuce, tomato, and onion is called a “California burger”. This usage is sufficiently widespread to appear on the menus of Dairy Queen” — seemingly in portions of the midwest and east coast I’ve managed to avoid .

      It’s not a California Burger at DQ it’s a GrillBurger™ note the ™ they clearly are getting legal advise from the same firm TSR did in the mid 80s.

      Do some real research, surely some boring 4th century text was written about burgers.

      .

      • July 25, 2014 9:40 am

        Agreed. “California Burger” anywhere but California means avocado, or toppings more exotic/fruity like sprouts or something. Also used as shorthand for “veggie burger.”

      • Radovarl permalink
        July 25, 2014 10:50 am

        I can honestly say I’ve never heard of a fucking “California Burger”. And I’ve been to burger joints in pretty much every state, except… California. Hmmm…. And Texas. There, they probably serve them on some sort of stupid thick-ass toast. Just make sure you don’t go out for burgers there when NTRPGCon is in town, or they might be fresh out.

      • Bigby's Lubed Fist permalink
        July 25, 2014 11:49 am

        The Greek diners around me serve burgers with feta cheese and olives, calling them “Athena burgers”.

        Whoa, what the fuck? When did this place become “burger blog”?

        KHAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNKENNNNNNTTT!!!

      • Radovarl permalink
        July 25, 2014 4:17 pm

        Do the Greeks own the diners everywhere now, or are you from Delaware? In any case, sort of an infelicitous moniker… unwise to put feta on beef, let alone olives (blech).

      • July 25, 2014 6:25 pm

        Greeks own the diners everywhere.

  101. July 25, 2014 10:19 am

    Don’t be offering Alexis any of your silly passive “Congratulations” either. He earned all the praise he is getting you fucking peasants.

  102. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    July 25, 2014 11:11 am

    People in the US need to stop jacking off on Burgers. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Sure foreign countries will just have sub par meat or add some kind of bullshit, but there is no reason to fuck it up in the US. Here’s your basic, perfect burger with at least mid to upper quality meat grilled:

    Bun (classic or medium roll, if you must you may occasionally make it a pretzel or onion bun)

    Meat

    Cheese

    ketchup

    Lettuce

    Tomato, onion, mayo (preferably added to bun before lightly grilling)and pickles may all be added depending on taste.

    The only time you are allowed to fuck with it and put shit like avocado, guacamole, mustard, relish, goat cheese or any other gay crap is if you have shitty burger meat. Smart and Final chub pack meat, or you are beefing up a Mickey D’s piece of crap by adding stuff too it. But if you have decent meat, and you fuck with it like a Frenchman, or Kunt, then you should be executed by ex-Khmer Rouge guards. Slowly.

    • Bigby's Lubed Fist permalink
      July 25, 2014 11:46 am

      Ground up and served as a Pol Pot burger?

    • July 25, 2014 2:46 pm

      I will disagree only in that relish and mustard are acceptable toppings, not gay. They are the reason FatBurger, indisputably, is the best burger joint. INDISPUTABLY, AND FUCKING FAGS THAT MENTION 5 GUYS OR IN N OUT WILL BE SENT TO THE KILLING FIELDS.

      Obviously, bacon may be added to any burger with impunity.

      • Radovarl permalink
        July 25, 2014 4:21 pm

        What’s with the hate against Five Guys. Daayyyum. Good fries, too.

        Obviously I agree with the bacon thing.

      • July 25, 2014 4:31 pm

        5 Guys is strictly ordinary, but because they open up an entire dumptruck of fries into your bag that somehow means their burger is exceptional. It is not.

      • July 25, 2014 8:37 pm

        Fair enough.

    • Radovarl permalink
      July 25, 2014 4:20 pm

      Sorry, dude, but you’re dead wrong. Grass fed beef is the main ingredient (and in this, Kent might have something teach us, considering Ireland is made up almost entirely of grass, and that’s what they feed their cows, unlike the fucking Brits and us Ammurkans, who feed their cattle other fucking cattle). Then, it doesn’t matter what you add to it, it’s still damn good. Bleu cheese for starters, then some bacon. Anything else is gravy

    • July 26, 2014 2:08 am

      Five Guys is a perfectly fine burger. It’s beef + salt + pepper + bun. Not sure how you take a principled stand against that, or want more.

      For grass-fed fast food beef, as far as I know, you’re stuck with Chipotle.

  103. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    July 25, 2014 3:14 pm

    Well, relish and mustard tend to be at the table due to hot dogs being around sometimes as well. And they are great on dogs. Mustard also helps really make a ham or turkey sammich. But I just think good burger meat should contain primarily Umami flavors. Really tangy flavors seem to cover up that quality beef taste. It’s why I try to just use a little ketchup. And pickle spears on the side, no sliced ones on the item. Those enhance beef. That’s why I like an occasional mushroom burger, or even use swiss instead of cheddar.

    Bacon is of course good on most things, and a bacon burger is just fine. I do kind of fear that we are headed towards a bacon-allergy induced apocalypse in future generations the way eating too many peanuts created a peanut allergic race of cock-smoking entitled sub-humanoids. About 20 years from now bacon will be more vilified than Kunt on OD&D forums, just like that poor fuck Mr. Peanut. Dude can’t even get a seat on an airplane or go to plays at his grandchildren’s elementary schools anymore just because his dander chokes out a small percentage of the little homos.

    But still, bacon must be enjoyed despite the bleak future for our children. Try this at your next BBQ – bacon wrapped shrimp slowly grilled. Aw, yeah.

    • Radovarl permalink
      July 25, 2014 4:22 pm

      Umami is a goddam myth. You’ve been watching way too much food network.

      • Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
        July 25, 2014 5:25 pm

        I don’t really watch the Food channels. I think I first learned about it from HK World or some other Jap channel that has shows in English. I probably actually use the word incorrectly a lot, but I think it’s better than using terms like “meaty” or “brothy” which along with “savory” can be too broad a usage. But what the fuck. It’s summer so we should be discussing BBQ food. You guys that live in shitbox apartments like Zak and Mandy’s Hollywood roach motel can at least dream along with us patio owners who can cook outside and enjoy the season.

      • July 25, 2014 7:15 pm

        Umami’s more of a controversy than a myth- it was first proposed as a “flavor” in the early 20th Century, and was accepted as being valid in 1985. The tongue has “umami” receptors, distinct from sweet, bitter, sour, and salty. Think of craving for “umami” flavors as your “protein tooth”, as opposed to your “sweet tooth”.

        Umami, bitches, it’s scientific. I stopped watching the Food Network when I realized years ago that they weren’t going to have any gratuitous ass-shots on Rachel Ray’s show. Every time she bent over to open the oven, the fucking camera would switch to a different angle.

      • Recovering Retard permalink
        July 25, 2014 9:30 pm

        NIgella was way fucking hotter. Rachel Ray had no tits.

      • July 25, 2014 10:46 pm

        That’s why I liked Rachel. I felt like she was a chick I actually had a chance to hook up with, sloppy tits and all. Nigella, she’d take one look at me and know I couldn’t afford her blow habit.

      • July 26, 2014 2:03 am

        I’m an unapologetic ass man. I love big tits as much as the next guy, but a big, round rump is what I’ve always gone for.

        I wasn’t prematurely weaned.

      • July 26, 2014 2:15 am

        The Rachael Ray who originally appeared on the Food Network was a different person than the current braying brand flagship. She was a very attractive young lady by any reasonable standard. Anyone who didn’t think the original Rachael Ray was a hot girl is working at a different level than I ever have. (She didn’t have big tits or a great ass, she was just adorable.)

  104. Don't forget the cheese permalink
    July 25, 2014 4:30 pm

    One word for you bitches – provolone.

  105. FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
    July 25, 2014 9:35 pm

    For a minute there I thought I was at dragonsfoot…..

  106. Don't forget to post about your super-cool musical tastes permalink
    July 26, 2014 6:42 am

    Yeah! Now let’s talk about Rush!

  107. Timotheus permalink
    July 26, 2014 8:34 am

    So there are some reviews of Dumb Carbon Observatory floating around now, and it sounds like Raggi-style shit. An Apocalypse Now ripoff with sad stuff happening from every action the characters take, from the initial village, the inevitable voyage upriver, and into the dungeon. Pretty much incompatible with an ongoing campaign, like R4’s crap (and why he has no group of players).

    Misery Tourism. Just play Grey Ranks instead.

    Figures that all the edgy bloggers who barely play are jizzing all over this railroad.

    Currently Eating: Baconburger with mayo, cheese, and onions. God damn.

    • Kent permalink
      July 26, 2014 8:45 am

      I have only read one decent review so where?

      If someone has the pdf post a link here. If anyone complains just say I said it is OK.

      • Bigby's Lubed Fist permalink
        July 26, 2014 9:41 am

        When did you make the transition from butt pirate to pirate?

        Alexis is going to “help” the shit out of you.

      • PrinceofNothing permalink
        July 26, 2014 9:50 am

        Why take a look at Carbon Observatory when there is a beta version of The Legendary Dwimmermount floating about?

        Hee! Hee! Hee!

      • Timotheus permalink
        July 26, 2014 11:33 am

        here ya go, kentie. There was one more but I am having trouble locating it. Sue me.

        http://dungeonofsigns.blogspot.com/2014/07/a-strange-and-wonderful-bleakness-deep.html

        http://save.vs.totalpartykill.ca/review/deep-carbon-observatory/

        Also, there is something called Google which may aid you in your quest.

      • Kent permalink
        July 26, 2014 4:16 pm

        Your first review was posted above already, right? Your second link points to something too stupid to be considered a review.

        As for google, a search for: gender Timotheus

        results in sites with references to ‘indeterminate’ and ‘brand new’ gender.

        ==

        If we needed proof that only six people read ydis it lies in the fact that I am *still* waiting for my free-is-what-its-worth pdf of deep carbon.

      • July 26, 2014 5:22 pm

        Kent, the author has indicated that, if he had a choice in this matter, he would refuse to sell us a copy of his module. We are merely honoring his wish. Why don’t you just bite the bullet and pay the ten dollars that he is asking for it, or forgo it entirely? You can even leave a comment on his blog denying us thrice before cock’s crow.

        If you really feel you must have it, and for free, there are certain channels through which you can go, but you need to seek them out yourself. I sha’n’t be a party to your larcenous intent. Remember, though, that the Thieves’ Guild, so to speak, is not known for its patience, so a hectoring attitude will fail to win you friends.

        Hmmmm… a hectoring attitude has failed to win you friends at any of the gaming sites. You seem to be interested in hamburgers, maybe you should give up gaming and join in with some cooking forums. The only “Deep Carbon Observatory” you really need is a blackened catfish recipe.

      • Kent permalink
        July 26, 2014 6:26 pm

        You are becoming interesting, keep going.

      • July 26, 2014 7:06 pm

        Keep going? How about a link?

  108. Kent permalink
    July 26, 2014 6:33 pm

    Don’t forget to get your copy of the baby Jesus and Bog storybook:

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 26, 2014 6:57 pm

    • Recovering Retard permalink
      July 26, 2014 6:58 pm

      You didn’t call anyone a droob, and I doubt they make zoobies in ‘Irish yellow’ – so put up the cutter and help a tranny get his yarbles removed.

    • July 27, 2014 5:52 am

      A Baby Jesus retroclone, why didn’t I think of that?!?!?

      • Bigby's Lubed Fist permalink
        July 27, 2014 8:25 am

        Mangers and Magi

      • justme permalink
        July 30, 2014 4:33 am

        There’s a really popular LARP version called mormonism.

  109. Timotheus permalink
    July 26, 2014 10:54 pm

    I googled Timotheus, kent, and all I can say is your comments were inaccurate.

    As far as your obsession with Dense Cardboard Ovary, it is Misery Tourism. Isn’t being Irish bad enough? Do you really want to fap it to your “players” deciding whether to let a bunch of kids drown or not?

    Or is there a deeper attraction that we are missing here…perhaps to the authors? In that case, pay the god damn 10 bucks (or 173 euros) and make them slightly less miserable. Jeez.

    • Bigby's Lubed Fist permalink
      July 27, 2014 10:38 am

      He’s confused, he has conflated it with “DP Hardon Observatory”.

  110. Kent permalink
    July 27, 2014 2:08 pm

    On the Joe Rogan Podcast are any of these interviewees interesting apart from Bill Burr ?

    Excluding the dumb-as-fuck-dribble Lost Civilisation nutbags Rogan is so fond of.

    http://jredatabase.com/podcast-history/

    • July 27, 2014 2:38 pm

      Louis Theroux is bitchin’. Joe Rogan though? I mean, I don’t have anything against the guy but it seemed like he peaked with that routine where the weightbros buttfuck in the basement. And the Carlos Mencia takedown, that was good…

    • Kent permalink
      July 27, 2014 8:42 pm

      Any of the random podcasts Ive hit are poor but when Rogan interviews Bill Burr or Doug Stanhope he is good so I imagine there are others like that but most of the names are unfamiliar. I was surprised to hear Burr depreciate Gervais’ Golden Globe performances because he was shooting fish in a barrel. IMO Gervais is a genius but not a particularly good standup and standup comics consider themselves at the apex of humour. I would put them third after writers and TV shows.

      Louis Theroux is a doofus who thinks he is a canny psychologist. He is duplicitous rather than subtle. He is an English pratt, English for short.

      • July 27, 2014 10:00 pm

        Ricky Gervais is an ordinary comedic talent and an extraordinary networking talent. I assume he’s a fun guy to be around and is unmistakably quick to laugh very loudly at everyone else’s jokes, which is why the actually funny people hang out with him. He’s an English pratt, non-American for short.

      • Kent permalink
        July 28, 2014 10:45 am

        The Office and Extras are about as funny as we’ve seen since Fawlty Towers. Only LD stands comparison.

        >>extraordinary networking talent. I assume he’s a fun guy to be around and is unmistakably quick to laugh very loudly at everyone else’s jokes<<

        Fantasy.

        Actually Ive listened a few times over to the 80 hours of radio he did with Karl Pilkington while The Office was being produced. He is really funny. Yanks are funny for about ten minutes and then become samey. Bill Burr and Stanhope are about as good as it gets for Yanks but these guys are so stupid in their real understanding of what's going on in the world they have to self-deprecate; Burr as dumb; Stanhope as degenerate failure.

      • July 28, 2014 11:37 am

        We get it. You have a raging hard-on for all things English. Shakespeare, Tolkien, Gervais, etc. Karl fucking Pilkington, of course he’s a genius because he flits around and acts like a dummy on that travel show that is unwatchable. If Dane Cook put on an accent and changed the Shocker to a V for Victory, your balls would fill so fast with semen they’d explode.

        Burr and Stanhope are C-team players, but they both like to get angry at women and I know that hits your ticklespot, so I’m glad you’ve found things to enjoy.

      • Kent permalink
        July 28, 2014 11:39 am

        So who do you think is funny?

      • July 28, 2014 1:30 pm

        6 months ago I would have said Louis CK, but now I have Louis CK fatigue and the only cure is isolation away from Louis CK. Artie Lange is sad and boring now that he’s sober and no longer hilariously bungling his suicide attempts. I’m not much for stand-up. I don’t watch Key & Peele on television, but I enjoy their clips on YouTube occasionally. Dr. Steve Brule can pretty much do no wrong, but Tim & Eric are tolerable only in child-size doses. I enjoy fart & poop humor, as long as it’s not from someone putting on a phony redneck act. As mentioned previously, Cannonball Run is the best filmed comedy ever.

        No one I guess?

      • Kent permalink
        July 28, 2014 2:37 pm

        I used to put Louis CK up with BB and DS but his last special was woeful. Yanks are repetitive. Compare British The Office to Yank The Office.

        Mitch Hedberg was funny and not-a-cunt which is very rare and I can’t find much footage of this guy Kinison but he had his moments.

        Stewart Lee is probably the best UK standup comedian.


      • July 28, 2014 3:09 pm

        I’ve never watched an entire Hedberg thing, but his clips are always amusing.

        Don’t bother with Kinison footage, but do look up his appearances on Howard Stern, which are typically audio only from the radio show.

      • July 28, 2014 4:06 pm

        Yeah, this Stewart Lee guy is alright. Fart humor!

  111. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    July 27, 2014 4:12 pm

    Rogan mayhap protesteth too much about that fake-Mexican Mencia, going so far as to storm the stage during a Carlos set and call him out in public. But yeah, you know Carlos is the drizzling shits when other unfunny comedians go after him so fiercely for stealing bottom of the barrel material. I mean, who steals Bill Cuz-by’s horrible and bland jokes? But Mencia is so hated even that laugh-squelcher George Lopez punched him out for being a douche.

  112. July 28, 2014 9:11 am

    Here’s a peak into the observatory, Kent. Accumulate enough of these tidbits and maybe you can cobble together a free cut-and-paste copy of the module.

    • July 28, 2014 9:12 am

      Uh, make that “peek”. Maybe I shouldn’t have started drinking before noon.

      • Bigby's Lubed Fist permalink
        July 28, 2014 9:46 am

        Ya know, fuck that. Drinking before noon is awesome.

    • Kent permalink
      July 28, 2014 9:52 am

      Yeah, my interest in things lasts for one week. So I am no longer interested in DCO.

  113. July 28, 2014 9:22 am

    First Ever Contact With Wundergeek
    Zak (whistles, minding own business)
    Wundergeek : Hyun Tae Kim should be pushed to the margins of the industry because he paints fetishy art and hentai is disgusting!
    Zak : WTF?
    Wundergeek : Why are you so mean, Zak?

    Is this really what happened?

    http://gomakemeasandwich.wordpress.com/2011/02/11/industry-artist-fail-hyung-tae-kim-so-very-very-nsfw/

    First Ever Contact With Tracy Hurley and Filamena Young
    Zak (whistles, minding own business)
    Advocate for Inclusion In Gaming : The women in your group appearing in Maxim causes problems for women.
    Zak : WTF?
    Advocates for Inclusion In Gaming : Why are you so mean, Zak?

    Booo! An attack! Think we should check the facts? Just to be sure?

    Hilarious or worrying? You be the judges!

    • PrinceofNothing permalink
      July 28, 2014 12:08 pm

      I can only express desinterest bordering on apathy. I find the existence of a blog dedicated to examining how elf-games built by men for men are women unfriendly to be existentially depressing and worse then anything Zak ever did. Why aren’t the efforts of these people being turned towards something useful and productive? They could be digging ditches or repairing roads for free to postpone America’s inevitable decline into destitution and civil war and after they perish before their time as a result of malnutrition and back-breaking 18-hour 7-day work-shifts they can be turned into useful things like handbags and nutritious meals for the other bloggers.

      The truth is that Zak is undoubtedly an aspy shithead, but he is nowhere near as morally destitute as some of the aspy-shitheads and social justice warriors he butts heads with.

    • July 28, 2014 12:08 pm

      Jesus Tittyfucking Christ, that boy has some serious OCD. I couldn’t be arsed counting his comments, but the intrepid hostess finally had this to say:

      Zak, I’m done arguing with you. I’m sick and I have a whole lot of unfortunate personal shit I’m dealing with right now and I don’t have time to keep answering an endless spiral of questions that revolve around the same answer. I’m sorry, but the mental bandwidth to value ratio just isn’t favorable right now.

      Does he do anything besides argue on the internet?

    • Timotheus permalink
      July 28, 2014 7:22 pm

      To characterize Zak’s internet stalking and incessant arguing not-in-good-faith as merely “whistling, minding own business” is dishonest.

      He is the worst social justice warrior on the fucking net.

  114. Kent permalink
    July 28, 2014 10:11 am

    I have been thinking about Grognardia lately, which for bad or worse was my introduction into this community of mediocre dreamers with the usual proportion of ultravain egotists. That was back in the day when there were certainly less than one hundred of us. Frankly, his blog on reflection was and remains by far the best. By far. He was the only blogger who approached the medium with professional diligence and compared to the waves of money grubbing wankers who tried to cash in in his wake his Dwimmermount effort was a justifiable endeavor. Those who do finish and publish dungeons are insane not the grown men who find the process wearying and depressive.

    My problem with him was personal and no different from the almost universal inimicality I develop with online gamers, particularly US gamers. You are stupid people. You don’t read. You don’t understand things. You don’t realise you are stupid and have no respect for your betters. You describe yourselves as, ‘Geeks who love dumb shit’, but are perceived by normals as ‘Immature Wankers who cannot understand smart shit.’

    • July 28, 2014 12:20 pm

      You are stupid people. You don’t read. You don’t understand things. You don’t realise you are stupid and have no respect for your betters.

      Gossoon, gossoon, gossoon, you are the poster boy for the Dunning-Kruger effect. I had a old sensei who used to tell us, “When you point your finger at someone, three fingers are pointing back at yourself.”

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 28, 2014 1:22 pm

        Dunning-Kruger effect: Kent heard that YDIS is where smart people go to act stupid, so he desperately tried to fit in.

        #epicFAIL #kentisgay

      • F 1-2-3 .... Against the Fatbeards permalink
        July 28, 2014 1:45 pm

        But where are those three fingers pointing when Kent is massaging a prostate ?

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 28, 2014 1:17 pm

      So are we supposed to assume you are anything but what you truly are now – i.e. another pseudointellectual like JaMal or Alexis – just because you slapped “Shakespeare” and “Dante” up in the corner of your blog and took a few foodie-style pictures of a book for all the Internet to see? http://somekingskent.blogspot.com/2014/07/the-rubaiyat-of-omar-kayyam.html

      Because it ain’t gonna happen my gay drunken Irish friend.

      ~Shakespeare’s Dildos Up Marlowe’s Bunghole

      • Radovarl permalink
        July 28, 2014 1:26 pm

        And to think, Saki, the Minister of Wine himself, doesn’t even make Kent’s vaunted ranking list of literary immortals. For shame.

      • Kent permalink
        July 28, 2014 1:49 pm

        FOTU

        What for you is a struggle, a nightmare even, is just a hobby for me.

        Radovarl

        Saki I have not read but he is on the way. First up — The Unbearable Bassington.

      • July 28, 2014 2:05 pm

        You are stupid people. You don’t read. + Saki I have not read but he is on the way. = hilarity.

        Kent, your best course of action would be to write contrite e-mails to Steve, Fin, and all of the other moderators who have permabanned you from the fora. If you sufficiently abase yourself, they might take pity on you. You’d be happier there… this place is no good for your self-esteem.

        As far as Saki is concerned, you should start with The Open Window. It is short, sweet, and nicely contrasts with M.R. James ghost stories.

      • Kent permalink
        July 28, 2014 2:39 pm

        Don’t you worry about my self-esteem.

      • July 28, 2014 2:51 pm

        I only worry about Blooey, gossoon. You? I just pity.

      • Kent permalink
        July 28, 2014 2:55 pm

        I don’t think we are operating on the same plane so Im going to ignore you from now on if you don’t mind.

      • July 28, 2014 3:25 pm

        We’re not operating on the same plane. You have pretensions to intellectual superiority while there are embarrassing lacunae in your knowledge base. Your cack-handed attempts to solicit a pirated copy of DCO reveal that you are too much of a hothouse flower to ever succeed as a wide boy.

        In terms of intelligence, you’re slightly above average- to borrow a line from some weirdo on the internet, you would at best have an Int 12..

        As the sainted Marianne Joan Elliott-Said would have put it, you’re a pseudoquasiintellectual. You have potential, but you squander it at every turn. Release your own suckdungeon, show the fatbeards that you’ve actually got the right stuff. Demonstrate to the “forum fags” what a truly superior fantasist is capable of.

      • July 28, 2014 3:31 pm

        Actually The Lubed One is right about Saki. The Best Saki shorts are about as good as it gets, his novels are good too but he’s a master of the short format. The Open Window, Esme, The Interlopers, and maybe The Unrest-Cure for starters.

      • Kent permalink
        July 28, 2014 4:39 pm

        I love my plane. It is so quiet up here.

        Athena, I want you to drop ice in my ambrosia from that wide gap between your thighs.

        Plonk. Kaplonk.

        Good girl.

      • Recovering Retard permalink
        July 28, 2014 7:38 pm

        It is lonely on your plane, Kent – very lonely.

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 28, 2014 9:43 pm

        Kunt wrote: “FotU: What for you is a struggle, a nightmare even, is just a hobby for me.”

        If you are talking about the gay sex and your degenerate lifestyle, then yeah, that’s probably the first truthful and accurate thing you’ve ever said.

    • Recovering Retard permalink
      July 28, 2014 2:59 pm

      Actually, I have to agree with Kent on this one. I have seen too many blog posts where some douche ‘studied’ something from antiquity and all they got from it is ‘game content’. I personally cannot relate to people who are so limited in their thinking, and it’s tedious to deal with them, on any level.
      I must admit, I don’t read much “literature”, I tend to gravitate towards non-fiction – everything from Carl Gustav Jung, or The Tibetan Book of the Dead, to Chilton Repair manuals and old books on FORTRAN. That’s what stimulates my imagination, personally.
      Fiction generally seemed like intellectual junkfood to me, though Orwell, Huxley and Pratchett are some of my guilty pleasures. I certainly won’t repeat the mistake of reading Stephen King again (several thousand pages of the Dark Tower taught me that lesson.)
      As far as respecting one’s ‘betters’ is concerned, I don’t disagree much with you there, either. What kind of man hems and haws about elfgames, feminism, or hex counting, or pornographic art-faggotry? What kind of person celebrates an idiot who wants to sever his penis demands exaltation for it with special pronouns? People of that ilk are disgustingly fucking stupid – they are the weakest, most useless amongst us. Unfortunately, it’s the ideal Western Civilization thrusts upon us in this age, and weak-minded people succumb to it daily – just read any gamer/geek’s Google+, and it’s painfully obvious. If you seek substance, and find none, consider where you’re looking.

      Some people stare into the Abyss, others attempt to cross it – I just ride a tricycle around that motherfucker.

      • July 28, 2014 3:34 pm

        You’re starting to sound suspiciously like those contras over at the Acaeum. Not that I disagree with you on any particular point.

      • Kent permalink
        July 28, 2014 3:38 pm

        There appears to be a huge pull away from literature towards non-fiction as readers get older. History and biographies are the big winners.

        WRT Jung, a good friend of mine and I have had some serious rows (in bars) about that personality grouping crap. He made everyone in his company take it after inviting in some dumb bitch to administer the test.

      • Recovering Retard permalink
        July 28, 2014 4:34 pm

        I don’t mess with forums. I always imagine the posters as fat, half-naked creeps that just got jerking-off into a napkin, or a convenient sock. This is the only venue for my valued opinion… I don’t want to play tit-for-tat games on forums, I want those idiots to come here, to the Budokan, and leave the safety of their trans-friendly, gluten-free, non-cis, gender-fluid ivory towers. I don’t want a debate, I want a streetfight – bricks and pipes, concussions and curb stompings. It’ll never happen, but I may dream.

        Businesses are always seeking some new crap to make them successful, rather than doing what’s obvious – paying their employees better and showing them some respect.

      • i don't want to live on this planet anymore permalink
        July 28, 2014 7:59 pm

        This display itself, reveals your own narrow-minded short-comings. I’m sure that I’m one of the youngest here and as such was raised on a diet of slacker heroes: Matt Groening, Mike Judge, Bill Watterson, Charles Schulz, and mid-90s pop-punk. When I got to university we were hammered with post-modern, Big T, theory and as such learnt that all the old questions needed to be re-examined and re-interpreted. That means we were torn between traditionalists and radicals from day one and to be honest, the academic debate is tiresome. Nothing really means anything – if nothing is true, then everything is permitted, if you like – that’s the intellectual mantra of the next generation. Combine this with Borges, PKD, Simone Weil, and countless other pseudo-gnostics in the popular literature – why would we not self-describe as ‘liking dumb shit’. Everything is dumb, the very question of material value in face of death is dumb. I understand your Spenglerian frustrations but there is a good reason for the pretension on this side of the fence.

      • July 28, 2014 9:21 pm

        Nothing really means anything

        Indeed, nothing means nothing anymore.

      • i don't want to live on this planet anymore permalink
        July 28, 2014 9:48 pm

        Cute.

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 28, 2014 9:51 pm

        “…Carl Gustav Jung…Orwell…Huxley…Stephen King…Pratchett…”
        Pro Tip: If you ever want to truly Recover from Retardation, drop the bourgeois name dropping that Kent engages in. Jesus Mother Skull Fucking Christ you probably have a Monet calendar hanging up on your fridge too.

      • Recovering Retard permalink
        July 29, 2014 5:40 am

        FOTU – you’re probably right about that, I’ll be sure to check myself, before I wreck myself.

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 29, 2014 7:37 am

        Amen, brother. After all, you are our resident artistic (not autistic) genius, and we are you patrons.

      • Mjollnir permalink
        July 29, 2014 7:52 pm

        The last thing on Earth the “trans-friendly” Social Justice Warriors on the internet want is a debate. If you start to give them one, they’ll scream bloody murder until you get banned from whatever forum you happen to be on.

        What the SJW’s really want is to make themselves feel morally superior by denouncing heretics. The more rabidly insane they act, the more righteous they feel.

      • Recovering Retard permalink
        July 30, 2014 5:19 am

        Wow – you summarized that like a motherfucker! Yeah, I can recall the day when it was stated, ‘we need more compassion in the world.’ See what that shit gotcha? I used to never have any issues with the ‘alternate lifestyle’ folks until I listened to them. John Waters lied to me.

      • Timotheus permalink
        July 30, 2014 7:38 pm

        Actually Mjollnir, didn’t you get kicked off rpgshite for your white power advocacy?

      • F 1-2-3 .... Against the Fatbeards permalink
        July 31, 2014 6:30 pm

        Remember….. when you ride a tricycle around the Abyss, the Abyss ride a tricycle around you !!!?!?

      • Mjollnir permalink
        August 2, 2014 5:39 pm

        No. Some cretin was playing internet tough guy and threw a hissy fit because I said SJWs wish they had the power to torture unbelievers, but I haven’t been banned there. Yet.

        I have been banned from RPG.net, but they’d probably ban Karl Marx for being too right wing.

      • Scott permalink
        August 2, 2014 5:51 pm

        Mjollnir, I’d recommend tumblr to torment social justice types. You literally will not believe that it’s not some form of parody. It makes rpg.net look like stormfront.

        Also, you can administer multiple blogs from the same account, so you can tailor each blog to the particular sort of thing you’d like to either troll or fifth-column.

    • Scott permalink
      July 29, 2014 6:24 am

      I’m probably the poster child for this. Especially since I’ve been waiting for Guardians of the Galaxy since it was announced and am blowing off work to watch it at the first Friday morning showing. wank wank

  115. Kent permalink
    July 28, 2014 3:26 pm

    Im still getting a kick out of Impractical Jokers, on season 3.

    Could you IMAGINE the fun you could have on forums if four smart guys teamed up in a disciplined way to troll for their own amusement. You could have the BAD guy and the GOOD guy switching sides in a thread and all kinds of confusing shit.

    • July 28, 2014 5:42 pm

      Didn’t you attempt to do this singlehandedly at “Dragonsfoot”, using multiple sockpuppet accounts, all of which were subsequently banned? Why subject yourself to a repeat of that ignominious episode?

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 28, 2014 9:52 pm

      ~ass cancer, stage four, or commit suicide nobody will even care not even your family Kent

  116. Kent permalink
    July 28, 2014 3:31 pm

    I used to respect this guy but he has caught the Curse of the Random Tables, REAL BAAAD. The only people who resort to RandomTables for functions outside of natural processes are those with writer’s block or who haven’t studied probability to a minimal standard.

    http://monstersandmanuals.blogspot.ie/2014/07/random-tables-as-tools-to-compress-and.html

    • Recovering Retard permalink
      July 28, 2014 5:13 pm

      Why are random tables necessary for this shit? Why must everything be formulaic with these guys? Now, if he took a few dozen dictionary text files, and taught his computer to dissect them, then string the pieces together and spit out random shit, that’s be interesting… as long as the words had nothing to do with game canon – just pure poke and hope random.

      nonseminal march, reworked cup, itinerant minimums, transfluvial clang, Eeyorish acoustic, gimcrack seawater, cheerful evaporation, SURGICAL fund, purring equator, unstarlike money, INTERDESTRUCTIVE malaysia, valuable cloths, adventurous fireplug, vixenly pot, CONVICTIBLE confinements, kindhearted deposit, Irritating alley, VESTIGIAL boys, hammered pupils, safe-and-sound flax, brotherly fact, inæsthetic rigging, late witch, archæologic loaf, antiforeigner compartments, index, schizothymic minority, BAD aircraft, guinea-fowl ranges, divergent banana, shivering brush, ANDROPHILIC linen, optimistic policies, pollinose skips, guestlike ton, Arabic guesses, repulsive travels, nonflushing summary, bioaccumulatory men, ok france, moved millennium, nonfreeway ore, unregretful fears, lonely camp, deskside mats, NUMBING recruits, Costa-Rican readiness, isoosmotic forecastle, PSEUDOANGELIC concern, shirtless apple, SOCIAL operabilities, Marine fear, SCOTOPHOBIC accounting, OSSIVOROUS washers, nitid turnip, INFERTILE cams, psychiatric personnel, honest sousaphone, nongang armaments, greyish coast, synclastic damage, busting lumber, colonial shortage, AQUILINE broccoli, profitable nights, contradirectional travels, full malfunctions, CREATURAL defections, nonuranium fence, object-based plain, non-obvious weeks, selfcongratulatory artilleries, low-keyed loudspeakers, KETOGENETIC bulkhead, calm acts, Comfortable radio, vascular statements, belled mark, nontheological stove, lesser skips, hollow afternoon, attractive combustion, timberlike flower, self-assertive major, sublime warehouse, ordinary energy, cloneable buttons, increate toys, different blackboards, ELMY taps, cussed howls, erythroid fruit, purposed vessels, finicking trailers, chordal arrays, concretional employer, unenlightened dents, homewards washer, semivegetarian guide, Stupid win.

      This is how I’d generate a random encounter. It’s abstract, it allows for interpretation, and doesn’t limit one to game terminology. I like the dirty ones best.

      • July 28, 2014 5:45 pm

        I believe that JanusNode would suit your purposes to a “T”.

      • Recovering Retard permalink
        July 28, 2014 5:55 pm

        That was pretty groovy – thanks:)

      • July 28, 2014 6:36 pm

        I live to serve! You can run a couple of hundred variants and sell the resultant list on RPGNow.

      • Recovering Retard permalink
        July 28, 2014 7:10 pm

        Nah, I wouldn’t wanna take their wives’ hard-earned money – they have husbands to support! Pretty much, my program is like 600k+ nouns and adjectives, sloppily cludged together to make this mess I use for inspiration.

      • Let me tell you about my character permalink
        July 28, 2014 8:54 pm

        The Star Trek Random Technobabble Generator:

        http://www.ds10.org/Database/babble.html

      • July 28, 2014 9:23 pm

        Your starship is suck

      • Recovering Retard permalink
        July 29, 2014 5:44 am

        I’ve always hated Lt. Data. If you watch Next Generation closely, you can tell he’s really just a passive-aggressive asshole who’s fucking with the entire crew. He almost seems to smirk when he claims he wants to be more human.

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 29, 2014 7:35 am

        I took one of these at random – late witch.
        She’s a witch. She’s late. Actually, her period is late. She uses blood magic rituals, specifically menstrual blood for rituals that can only be performed when The Stars are Right. She doesn’t have any menstrual blood and now The Stars are Right. Bloodymage. Blooey. Now will you please BUY SOMETHING so Blooey can keep the lights on. No? The lights go out in Blooey’s sublime warehouse filled with: archæologic loaf. shirtless apple. honest sousaphone.

      • July 29, 2014 9:27 am

        Don’t keep us in suspense, who is Late Witch’s baby daddy? I hate Data too. God, is it burger time yet?

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 30, 2014 7:28 am

        Baby Daddy Random Table (roll 1d12)
        1. Odin
        2. The Milkman
        3. A Mandingo Man (our love is taboo!)
        4. Yog-Sothoth
        5. Zeus
        6. The Pizza Delivery Boy
        7. Drunken Sailor
        8. Satan/The Devil
        9. George Forman
        10. Drunken Irish Catholic Sod on the Dole
        11. Ed Houben, a 44-year-old Dutchman (Google it)
        12. Immaculate Conception

      • July 30, 2014 12:05 pm

        Thanks man! Clarifies a surprising number of OSR scenarios.

    • July 29, 2014 7:06 am

      >> Why must everything be formulaic with these guys? Now, if he took a few dozen dictionary text files, and taught his computer to dissect them, then string the pieces together and spit out random shit, that’s be interesting… as long as the words had nothing to do with game canon – <<

      Yeah, instead they work to combine cliches in new ways. Anyway the point is that if you do use random tables to inspire creativity that should be done behind the curtain. If a result inspired you then prove it, write about that, publish that.

      • July 29, 2014 8:37 pm

        You’re thinking too much like a writer and not enough as a player– it’s a game, not a fantasy-fiction workshop. The beauty of using an occasional random table (overdoing leads to crap) is that it underscores the GM’s role as a player. Every once in a while, it’s good for the GM to have to deal with an unexpected result, and to have to ad-lib as a result.

  117. Let me tell you about my character permalink
    July 28, 2014 4:29 pm

    I copped to not being a brainiac genius a while ago but even so I’m intimately familiar with some of the classic masterpieces of fantasy literature.

    Just this weekend I finished Han Solo at Star’s End and now I’m working on Han Solo’s Revenge.

    • July 28, 2014 5:46 pm

      SPOILER ALERT: Han Solo and the Wookie bump uglies.

    • Scott permalink
      July 29, 2014 6:51 pm

      pffft, philistine … I recognize nothing beyond Splinter of the Mind’s Eye and my own finely tuned headcanon

    • PrinceofNothing permalink
      July 30, 2014 8:12 am

      Aaaaah The Han Solo Trilogy. One of the EU’s less offensive trilogies(Along with Zahn’s work and maybe an X-wing novel here and there).

      #XimtheDespotLives

  118. July 28, 2014 6:10 pm

    I have a lisp. Some people think this means I am gay. That is not why.

    When Kent says he has lost interest in the adventure written by me and Scrap Princess that saddens me. Scrap Princess remains indifferent. I can’t prevent the pdf being presented here in a link for free, hey, this is the internet. I do think that Kent paying for my adventure would be something like a sexual transaction and for this reason you may find some value in not making available illegally.

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 28, 2014 9:40 pm

      Pssst. Pro tip: With the shitty artwork (and probably your lisp too), nobody is even bothering to pirate a copy.

    • July 29, 2014 5:18 pm

      Don’t be sad- the boy is as fickle as an errant breeze. Your loss of his custom is no big deal. Don’t worry about piracy, for all of his vaunted erudition, he’s not nearly as intelligent as he thinks he is, and his odds of figuring out the back channels of anything but rent boys are slim-to-none.

    • Scott permalink
      July 29, 2014 6:58 pm

      It is kind of a dick move to steal from a dude who’s moving a small enough number of units that individual sales make a difference. I mean, I know the folks stealing it probably wouldn’t buy it anyway, but it seems crappy on principle if it’s DIY stuff. I always had a problem dubbing and tape-trading on dudes who had like one side of a 7″ out.

      (Note: I don’t know the first thing about this guy or the product … he’s been OK here, at least he’s not holing up in his pillow-fort talking about You Awful People)

      • July 29, 2014 7:49 pm

        He had his moment:

        Zak Smith told me about this blog. I did not come here to engage with anyone, quite the opposite, if I could I would prevent anyone who frequents this place from buying my adventure just as you are excluded from civilized gaming circles.

        But he’s posted enough times now that I’m ready to start singing the Gooble Gobble song, or its more modern iteration.

        As far as pirating it goes, it’s ten friggin’ bucks… if he’s going to “tief” it, he should at least have enough self-respect not to flaunt it.

      • Scott permalink
        July 29, 2014 9:49 pm

        Yeah, I guess he didn’t show up in the same spirit of pussified detente as Rients or me

        I briefly skimmed that tl;dr thing he wrote about Zak who, as a reflexive contrarian, I defend ad nauseam. Along with Kent. (I like both of them, although Kent is less predictable and therefore more delightful. Zak is someone I’d probably have hung out with peripherally, without any idea he gamed; I enjoy discussing pop culture stuff with Kent because he really is well-read in foundational stuff and I have no fucking idea what else he’s going to like.)

        Anyway, I don’t know if the False Patrick guy’s thing was for or against Zak and I don’t come here prepared for exegesis and nuance. I’m not sure if someone who writes 20,000 words taking the piss is interested in the short format piss-taking here.

        (Bit like when Tao goes on and on talking about how charismatic he is, because if there’s one thing charismatic people do, it’s tell you at length how charismatic they are.)

  119. July 29, 2014 9:08 am

    Kent, your lady folk are adorbs!

    • Kent permalink
      July 29, 2014 11:37 am

      I can’t tell if you are serious or not but be it known I am offended either way.

    • July 29, 2014 4:33 pm

      All of that exposed female flesh offends him.

  120. Kent permalink
    July 29, 2014 12:26 pm

    I think YDIS would be a good venue for people to post the username & passwords for forums they no longer have any interest in — odd74, knights knaves alehouse, dragonsfoot, therpgsite. That way some of us could have some fun.

    • July 29, 2014 5:13 pm

      Let it go, Kent. You’re upset because you really wanted to belong, but your social awkwardness led you to be unpleasant to the other users. Get over it, move on.

      You’re as unpleasant as Zak, but you don’t have the following that he cultivated by posting titillating pictures of lower-tier sex workers and actually producing product. Even that hasn’t kept him from being banned at various places. Roll up your sleeves, produce something of note, and try to get back into the good graces of the community.

      As much as I may seem to harangue you, I have no animus toward you… I kinda view my comments as “tough love”- the sort of caring that a 2-meter tall, 20-stone Serbian guy shows when he plants his size sixteen foot between your shoulder blades when you momentarily turn your back on him while staggering to your feet after an ippon seoi nage.

      Seriously, forget fucking with them, you are only angry because you want to be in their club, and you were only kicked out because of your own actions. Find your inner peace, hit the drawing board, and get back in their good graces.

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 30, 2014 7:48 am

      If you like, I can create a Kent_Is_Gay account at dragonsfart and post the password for you here.

  121. Kent permalink
    July 29, 2014 2:47 pm

    One cute thing about women is when they get paper money for a service they stuff it down between their breasts, the safest place in the world they believe. If I was an impractical joker and a beautiful woman came in to my cafe and ordered an americano I would reach for payment between her breasts and fumble about and if she protested I would squeeze her loins, ‘Oh, is it down here madame?’

    “For the Lord said unto man that women are mere squeezables.”
    Deut. ch27. v4.

    • July 29, 2014 3:39 pm

      Is an “Americano” a kind of burger?

      • Kent permalink
        July 29, 2014 3:58 pm

        And then I stick my finger up her ass and say, “Want to make that a Mocha?”

        You know women don’t like me and I can’t figure out why.

      • July 30, 2014 1:26 pm

        ~beavis titter

    • Scott permalink
      July 29, 2014 7:03 pm

      Kent, have you read A Confederacy of Dunces? I legitimately love that book, and always find it kind of affecting/on the nose that he killed himself in part because he was a failed writer, then his mom showed the manuscript to Walker Percy a decade later and he won a posthumous Pulitzer. Awkward.

      Anyway, elements of your online persona remind me of Ignatius J. Reilly. I feel like you’d particularly identify with the Crusade for Moorish Dignity.

      • Scott permalink
        July 29, 2014 7:07 pm

        Walker Percy’s foreword:

        “Over the years I have become very good at getting out of things I don’t want to do. And if ever there was something I didn’t want to do, this was surely it: to deal with the mother of a dead novelist and, worst of all, to have to read a manuscript that she said was great, and that, as it turned out, was a badly smeared, scarcely readable carbon.

        “But the lady was persistent, and it somehow came to pass that she stood in my office handing me the hefty manuscript. There was no getting out of it; only one hope remained — that I could read a few pages and that they would be bad enough for me, in good conscience, to read no farther. Usually I can do just that. Indeed the first paragraph often suffices. My only fear was that this one might not be bad enough, or might be just good enough, so that I would have to keep reading.

        “In this case I read on. And on. First with the sinking feeling that it was not bad enough to quit, then with a prickle of interest, then a growing excitement, and finally an incredulity: surely it was not possible that it was so good. I shall resist the temptation to say what first made me gape, grin, laugh out loud, shake my head in wonderment. Better let the reader make the discovery on his own.”

      • July 29, 2014 7:37 pm

        Walker Percy was a real mensch. The book fits right in here, but I’m not sure Kent would cotton to the I.J.R. experience.

      • July 29, 2014 8:01 pm

        Bingo! I can readily see Kent ranting about a particular work of fiction being an affront to “theology and geometry”. If it weren’t for the t00bz, he’d be scrawling screeds on Big Chief tablets.

      • July 29, 2014 9:25 pm

        I always read Kent’s comments in the voice of Jonathan Quayle Higgins III. It just seems right.

      • July 30, 2014 6:17 am

        Speaking of literature, the whole ‘Higgins is really Robin Masters’ thing was bogus.

      • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
        July 31, 2014 1:01 pm

        I imagine Kent’s voice to be more of a Truman Capote with a brogue.

    • Kent permalink
      July 30, 2014 10:19 am

      I read it in my college days, and enjoyed it until about halfway through. I remember thinking this could have been brilliant if he had a good working relationship with a top notch editor.

      As for my ‘online persona’, what you see is what you get. I have too much integrity to ever tell a lie.

      • Radovarl permalink
        July 30, 2014 10:49 am

        RE: online personae: Unfortunately, this is where Kent and I are alike. I’m completely unable, probably due to lack of face-to-face interactions cues (hell, I don’t even like holding a conversation over the phone), to truly consider people online fully human. And so when some wanker pisses me off on a forum, whether it’s due to their inveterate dickheadedness, willful ignorance, or just general social unattractiveness, I tend to go straight for the verbal jugular ’cause I don’t really give a shit. Having had a few drinks exacerbates it. As a result, I get labeled a troll pretty early on, and then even the 95% of the forum-goers with whom I don’t have a problem pile on. Then of course I’m that much more likely to flip them the electronic bird every chance I get. It’s a vicious cycle. It used to bother me, but now I’m at the point where I realize most RPG players aren’t worth my time anyway.

      • Kent permalink
        July 30, 2014 4:45 pm

        The worst kind of moron on gaming forums are the guys who think laughter is evil and are furious when they detect irony in a statement even if they don’t know what that word means. They are always american; a great proportion of americans are humourless and that is a real bore because they infect communities with a fervour for niceness at the expense of directness and honesty.

      • July 30, 2014 7:29 pm

        ~vibes~

  122. July 29, 2014 10:14 pm

    Oh, Blooey

    • Scott permalink
      July 29, 2014 10:19 pm

      I haven’t been able to look at anything involving that guy in months, it’s like having a one-way mirror into the hospice

      • July 29, 2014 11:47 pm

        I do a periodic “Blooey Bed Check”. I crack wise about “Bloo Detective”, but that guy really is a figure of pathos.

    • FEAR OF THE UNBLOWN permalink
      July 30, 2014 7:46 am

      I think Blooey suffers from performance anxiety. He’s always chasing that One Big Game Session he has idealized in his little brain, but just when it’s about to happen for him, he pulls the plug. It’s kind of like how guys like Tenkar from the Turdshack rail against participating in G+/Skype games where the video will be shared with the general public. They fear having a permanent record of their actual awkwardness and ineptitude because all they really know how to do is talk about playing RPGs they’ve collected over the years, not actually playing them.

      Or maybe Blooey really is just cursed and doomed to perpetual failure.

      Blooey Burgers?

    • Let me tell you about my character permalink
      July 30, 2014 8:14 pm

      He’s like a real-life Ziggy. Oh, will he ever win?

  123. Scott permalink
    July 29, 2014 11:08 pm

    (I’m going to ramble here because I’ve been riding the snake lately. Someone has to make it interesting.)

    I just noticed that Tao’s latest post is about how to pick up girls and get married. I’m not delving into the quality of the advice for folks across the board, other than to say my conclusions are different on several points. (For all I know, he pulls like a tractor.)

    I do literally nothing he advocates. I’m pathologically routine-averse, I frequently look and/or am skanky, I’m crazier than a shithouse rat, I may be SUPER fucked up or weird depending on my ups and downs, I have at best the superficial charm associated with mood/personality disorders, and I immediately hit on girls if I find them attractive because duh? and yolo?

    This could not be more at odds with his advice. Yet I don’t think I’m dying celibate and alone except in the sense that everyone does. Reliance on his program of routine-based peripheral visibility may not be for everyone. I would lose my shit and just start running around emitting high-pitched shrieks and waving my pecker at old people.

    (For a lot of us the axiom “be true to yourself” are super, super irreconcilable with the bromides “show up regularly, smile benignly, chat innocuously, smell acceptable, and be available.”)

    Anyway, it’s super super weird to me that someone would put a HOW TO FIND GIRLS TO DATE post on a gaming blog. Seems like a “see, I know this stuff and I’m passing it on to you!” kind of flex, coupled with or based on an assumption that some significant portion of the readership NEEDS this advice.

    (Then again, this is coming from me, a guy who’s been (rightfully) accused of showing off his girl. I need proof positive that not only would a girl date me, but that I outkicked my coverage. Which I did. I’ve never disavowed vanity, insecurity, or hypocrisy.)

    Point is, you don’t post pickup advice on a gaming blog where like 6 deferential people comment unless you’re on some guru shit. It’s just odd. Not like pirate-pushing odd, but odd. Especially with the previous vague and troubling stuff about “sexual adventuring.”

    (It seems like the only time I really post contra someone is that guy. I don’t mean it to be that way, he just seems like a bright guy with odd, adamantly asserted ideas about the world … like a few degrees off of being pretty cool.)

    • Scott permalink
      July 29, 2014 11:17 pm

      (Also ignore grammatical errors and all that shit. RIIIIIIDE the SNAAAAAKE)

    • July 29, 2014 11:52 pm

      In the land of the unblown, the dude who got off by public-transportation frottage is king. I think Alexis is proceding from this premise.

      • July 30, 2014 1:36 pm

        Given the definition of frottage, this statement carries more philosophical weight than one would at first expect.

        Also ~vibes

    • Let me tell you about my character permalink
      July 30, 2014 9:34 pm

      He seems to be writing for the terminally shy at best and the socially maladjusted at worst, but all in all it’s not bad advice.

      First, he implores you to be 100% honest. That’s a good policy, whether you’re looking to get married or just laid. The guy at the Blackdragon PUA blog advocates the same.

      Second, he tells you to clean yourself up. Also good. Dress like Winner Wolf as another PUA would say. His target audience might be having trouble with this as he advises them to “change your habits enormously” and points out that when women see them they may think “what a loser.” So this may be particularly important.

      From there on it’s pretty much baby steps. Get out, go for a walk, engage people in conversation. It’s not exactly Roosh’s Day Game but it’s pretty solid if basic red-pill stuff. Get out and enjoy your life, be sociable, put your own plans into action and focus on that first. The women will come naturally.

      His goal, however, is “I will get you married” not “I will get you laid.” And there is nothing wrong will aiming for marriage if that is what you are after. But any chump who needs such remedial red-pill 101 is probably not going to have a clue what goes on in family courts these days. Spending a few hours in a divorce court to educate yourself on that reality should be done before jumping into the deep end and hoping to float.

      • i don't want to live on this planet anymore permalink
        July 30, 2014 10:42 pm

        Of course there is a red-pillin’ PUA advocate here.

  124. Scott permalink
    July 30, 2014 12:21 am

    I want to make a movie about football becoming a sport in the Special Olympics, and I want to call it “First Downs.” (Other choices were “Very Special Teams” and “The Longest Tard.”)

    “The extra chromosome … was courage”

    • Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
      July 30, 2014 4:12 pm

      Those end zone victory dances are going to be the main reason to watch it. Adorable.

      That, and the chance to see retard strength unleashed with no restraint on the battlefield.

  125. July 30, 2014 5:17 am

    GOPagan’s “Thane” is going to the pokey. Maybe if he sneaks a horsecock into his cell, he’ll be able to cast a “sleep” spell on the guards and escape.

  126. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    July 30, 2014 12:46 pm

    Sexy Lexy never once mentions if the girl has to be at least humanoid looking enough to give you a boner during the Honeymoon. Things like that don’t seem to matter to him/her.

  127. July 30, 2014 10:44 pm

    Carcosa LARP at Comic-Con.

  128. Kent permalink
    July 31, 2014 12:20 am

    One of the better Rogan podcasts.

    A smart girl is a sexy girl.

    http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/27520802

  129. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    July 31, 2014 10:19 am

    Yo there, Kuntington. Most people who listen to podcasts do so while at work, at the gym, or while driving. You certainly don’t do any of that shit (you and Lexi have that in common) so where do you listen to podcasts, which tend to be at least an hour long. Do you sit in front of your old Kaypro computer kicking back and listening like folk did around radios in Ye Olden Dayz? Like them, do you stare in the direction of the sound as if you can actually see Rogan standing there?

    • Kent permalink
      July 31, 2014 10:52 am

      I fascinate you.

      • Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
        July 31, 2014 1:58 pm

        Pretty much in the same way Bloodymage does, Kunto!

      • Kent permalink
        July 31, 2014 2:36 pm

        Stalk someone else freak.

      • Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
        July 31, 2014 6:14 pm

        Haha got an emotional response from Kunt. I win! I trolled King Troll!

    • July 31, 2014 11:16 pm

      I know you didn’t just talk smack about the Kaypro II, because it is portable, man, portable.

  130. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    July 31, 2014 10:44 am

    http://www.dragonsfoot.org/forums/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=67133

    Good lord, can you imagine resorting to going to DF for important advice about your children? OK, maybe if it was gaming advice, but even then…

  131. F 1-2-3 .... Against the Fatbeards permalink
    July 31, 2014 12:46 pm

    Ugghh
    http://lotfp.blogspot.com/2014/07/zak-s-view.html

    • Bigby's Lubed Fist permalink
      July 31, 2014 3:11 pm

      If he’s so scary smart, why is he letting his art career go down the toilet while he wastes his time arguing at length about elf games? He’s not scary smart, he’s elf game smart.

      • July 31, 2014 6:13 pm

        Consider the source….

      • Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
        July 31, 2014 6:23 pm

        Well, it’s easier to be a big fish in a little pond. Talentless dipshits like Jamal, Geoffrey, etc. got to be luminaries in this hobby filled with weirdos and they don’t even have to rely on knowing herpetic skanks who refer to themselves as “stars.” In the world of art you have to compete in an ocean of talent. Obviously in The blOwSR you simply need to create anything and people will empty their pockets. Unless it’s for my boy Blooey, that is. But he’s pretty much like Schleprock from The Flintstones with a constant raincloud over his cabeza. He’s in a class all by himself, which is one of the reasons we love and root for ’em!

    • PrinceofNothing permalink
      July 31, 2014 6:19 pm

      Zak S. A shithead.

      “If you argue with Zak, be prepared to spend hours of your meaningless existence arguing about definitions of words, because it’s certainly not like language is an inherently subjective medium inevitably tainted by the preconceptions of anyone that uses it. Language is like a string of mathematical equations transmitted by robotic probes light-years distant in that it can only mean one specific thing at one time. Strengthen your soul and take copious amounts of vicodin for you will be asked to meticulously check your every word in an argument about elfgames, without resorting tot the same bullshit tactic of nitpicking definitions until your opponent inevitably gives up or decides to favour the comparitively painless alternative of seppoku with a katana composed of crystallised acid.

      Zak is a shithead. Arguing with him is kind of like headbutting a brick wall. Sure, there might be a golden land of untapped potential and hookers made of spun sugar and gum-drop trees behind the wall, where the sun never sets and the raindrops are the distilled nectar of the Great Pleasure Bee herself, but you are going to have to break your skull reaching it.

      If you lose, or win, you are an idiot, because anyone capable of passing a Turing test while drunk or on(or is that off?) drugs would see that victory is achieved not by headbutting the brick wall, but by bypassing it entirely. This means that all you social-justice fags are dumber then Zak. Yes you.

      Strengthen your spirit. Harden your soul. Prepare your anus. Abandon any thoughts of the world beyond your argument. Bite down. Let neither victory nor defeat lessen your fervour. Only then will you become one with the Zak.

      Goalposts? Meaningless abstractions created for lesser minds who think in terms of a three-dimensional universe. Words are not ideals given form, like shadow’s in Plato’s cave. Let your goalposts and words be like the afterimage of lightningstorms plaguing a vast and nebulous mass of clouds, dimensionless, singular and immeasurably vast at the same time.

      But your defeat will turn to ashes in your mouth, for the only way to defeat him at his own game is to become him.

      And he has pronstars.

      Whoop whoop.”

      • Sykirobme permalink
        August 1, 2014 11:12 am

        LIAR

  132. July 31, 2014 7:24 pm

    Kent, here’s an example of trolling done right. Forget the fatbeards, and set your sights on a larger community that a few forums with a grand total of less than 10,000 members. As CKDB said about Zak: “Well, it’s easier to be a big fish in a little pond.” Fuck the small pond, Kent, and get your lulz0rz by trolling the wide world. Be that mighty colossus you fancy yourself.

  133. turdburglar permalink
    August 1, 2014 8:11 am

    I don’t get what’s up with Zak’s cheerleaders telling the internets what a badass bulldog of an arguer he is. Are they trying to protect themselves from his berzerker rage? Is there some Heavywheight Rhetorical Debate in the RPG scene that I just plum forgot to give a shit about? This whole shitty mess of a nerd social club conjurs images of a fight club put together by juggalos. There’s a little bit of talent there, a big fan base, but it’s all a bunch of immature jackoffs taking themselves way to fucking seriously. Meanwhile the rest of us are content to watch a bunch of idiot kids in clown makeup punch the shit out of each other.

    • August 1, 2014 8:52 am

      Sounds like someone besides me enjoys the New Times coverage of the Gathering. OSR luminaries portrayed a juggalos? I’ve already said I don’t want to make requests of Recovering Retard…

      • Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
        August 1, 2014 3:47 pm

        The Juggalo in GTA 5 was a nice touch. But if Recov ‘Tard is going to do a new art piece I would love to see him portray Jamal, Zak, Raggi The Last, Lexi, etc. as Muppet characters. Fuck, let’s Kickstart for actual puppets and do a live short of them indulging in their daily jobless lives. I’d love to see these blOwSR Muppets moving around all jerky up and down the way puppets with hands up them do, with occasional separate shots of the puppeteers feet shuffling in Muppet booties to make it all seem more real and thus more magical.

        Actually, maybe Sex Lex and Raggi should be portrayed as those big puppeteer in full-suit Muppet monsters, with big flappy mouthes to shovel pizza and chips into like Cookie Monster does. Hey…the Alexis monster could be floating around in a kayak, and a Bloodymage Muppet could be sitting at the front facing him and playing “Rainbow Connection” on a banjo. Fuck, I should quit my job and just sit around all day making up magic like this.

    • Sykirobme permalink
      August 1, 2014 11:06 am

      Even Rients took the bait and put up a post. Man, he was the last one I had hope for.

  134. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    August 1, 2014 11:09 am

    One of the most satisfying feelings in the world (besided blowing your choad into Satine Pheonix’s gaping, Pacific Islander maw) is seeing a loyal follower of somebody get bitten for daring to stick their head in the cage while a fight is going on. Zako is busy harshing the buzz of somebody who probably has better things to do, one of his unblown dipshits chimes in, and more often than not Zak doesn’t like what they say and he sucks them into the fray. They act all bewildered like “huh? but…but I was slurping your yarbles! I was only trying to show that I too had opinions. I just wanted you to see how smart your supporters are. How could you be so cruel, my prince?”

    It happens so often with Zak faithful they must all be terrified of his royal ass-cracker. I really think he stuck with Mandy because her sickly presence gives him a soft edge rep much needed in his life which as Raggi describes is otherwise a flurry of fangs and claws.

  135. turdburglar permalink
    August 1, 2014 1:06 pm

    Seriously, it’s like Woim and Toad standing 10 feet in front of Zak saying, “ya’z betta not make Zak mad or he’ll punch ya’z right inya’z pointy noses. Zak runz dis alley so make room and get outta his way, see?”

  136. Diogen permalink
    August 1, 2014 3:46 pm

    You guys need to get laid. Seriously.

    • Timotheus permalink
      August 1, 2014 3:59 pm

      Right, kid. Because making fun of a douchebarrel like Zakattack means we are not getting laid.

      You are a perfect little disciple, having learned well at the scrotum of the master. Link this to him; he will be pleased and give you a food pellet.

      Seriously.

      • Diogen permalink
        August 1, 2014 4:28 pm

        No, really. You guys are fucking scary psychos. I don’t care if it’s man, woman, beast or synthetic. Get something on your cocks and blow chunks….like tonight.
        Seriously Timmy, give your hand a break, crawl out of your mom’s basement, stop raging over games of make-believe, have a toke and chat someone up face to face.

      • PrinceofNothing permalink
        August 1, 2014 4:44 pm

        Hahaha. Diogen Rages over people Raging over elf-games. And tells us to get laid. Ha! Parents put on the ol’ porn filter again did they?

      • F 1-2-3 .... Against the Fatbeards permalink
        August 1, 2014 6:27 pm

        Asshopper…. when you can snatch my scrotum from my leather jockstrap…

      • Diogen permalink
        August 3, 2014 10:02 pm

        How inventive. I bet your next retort starts with “yo momma so fat….”. Are you fat fucks still in your basements? Any of you get laid this weekend? Fatbeard and Dickblood sound like Kings of the Nerds. I wonder why “Your Desire Is to Suck my cock” hasn’t weighed in yet. Had to work extra shift at Tim’s I bet.

      • August 3, 2014 10:35 pm

        You’re cruising for a ban, pal. That’s your warning.

  137. Kent permalink
    August 1, 2014 4:19 pm

    This is the SECOND Joe Rogan podcast I have watched with this Puerto Rican-Italian Cara Santa Maria and I am now convinced that she is falling in love with me the longer I watch her. When YOU watch the podcast she may appear engrossed in Rogan’s conversation occasionally glancing dismissively at the camera wishing YOU would go away. When *I* watch this fast talkin’ sophisticated Puerto Rican-Italian woman she gazes longingly at the camera her eyeballs flashing as she deliberately licks her lips which I happen to know is a secret code with sexual connotations. When *I* watch her, not YOU, facing the camera she mouths the word C-O-C-K flicking her tongue rapidly from side to side, her eyes widening and losing focus. She keeps Rogan occupied by talking out of the side of her mouth like Humphrey Bogart but from the intensity and longing with which she locks her eyes on me, and the devilish writhings of her tongue I KNOW she is devising illicit manipulations of my penis.

    • August 1, 2014 6:30 pm

      No need to sit around in a Hibernian funk and fap it til you chap it, Kent. Put your books in storage, sublet the flat, and get your ass to the County Bronx. There are lively Boricuas with eyes of jet, pearly smiles, and pert round bottoms like you just won’t find at home. They’re not hard to chat up, and si puede aprender algunas palabras en español, podría tener exito. I’d even be willing to keep track of apartment prices on the local bulletin boards to let you know what to expect stateside.

      You can use the resources of the Murphia to find a job, whether carrying hods as a spalpeen or pulling pints in a Midtown tourist trap.

      Even better, put up a Kickstarter to raise enough money so you and Blooey can embark on a cross-country road-trip from con to con. Fuck those Impractical Joker, uh, jokers, we need the Blooey/Kent picaresque show. The combination of trollery and drollery would be fantastic, and there’d be a slim chance that you could actually meet la latina de sus sueños at a con.

  138. Scott permalink
    August 1, 2014 4:38 pm

    Went to morning showing of Guardians of the Galaxy. Not perfect but very good. Star-Lord, Rocket, and Groot were very well cast and executed … they did a really good job making Rocket a lonely, tortured little weirdo. Don’t really care much about the other characters but they were fine.

    I’m a fan through both major iterations of the team, and have liked the Rocket character since his 80s miniseries, but non-fans seemed to enjoy it a lot as well. It’s probably not worthy of all the insane hyperbole of the early reviews but it’s my favorite of the Marvel movies so far, although again that might just be fanboy bias.

    • PrinceofNothing permalink
      August 1, 2014 4:47 pm

      It’s good? Bitchin’. I thoroughly enjoyed Abnett & Lanning’s revival of the Starlord character and would love to see it translated to the big screen. Ah las no Ultron-powered Phalanx for them to blow up. Here is hoping for a Nova movie or perhaps a good Silver Surfer movie to top it off and get Marvel back into space!

      • Scott permalink
        August 1, 2014 5:04 pm

        From the trailers, I expected them to make Star-Lord a total doofus, but he’s appropriately bad-ass, and also a doofus. Chris Pratt is excellent. Rocket will be the breakout and I suspect even I’ll get sick of the saturation about to take place. I shudder to think how the furry community is reacting right now.

        Bautista is surprisingly competent … way better than he ever was as a wrestler.. Groot is the right mix of innocent and savage. Gamora is boring. Rocket is probably a little too bad-ass and fan-servicey (and this is coming from a long-time fan), but they do a good job of establishing his horrific background with just a couple short bits.

        Karen Gillan manages to be adorable with a shaved head and blue makeup. Ronan is boring.

        Some fun cameos, one of which is pretty obscure but super awesome if you notice it. One very short post-full-credits stinger.

      • August 1, 2014 6:14 pm

        I shudder to think how the furry community is reacting right now.

        Yiff-piles large as hillocks, my boy, yiff-piles larges as hillocks.

    • Kent permalink
      August 1, 2014 5:48 pm

      imdb rating of 9 is pretty good even if statistically imdb is more reliable in the older decades. I don’t go to the cinema any more though and superhero movies are indescribably shit without exception. Action films like die hard 1, terminator 1, alien 1, 48 hours and the last boy scout and so on are palatable action movies.

      They don’t make action movies for adults anymore Scott. They definitively target moron 15 americans because that makes profit. I don’t understand why it is cool to have immature hick taste.

      • Kent permalink
        August 1, 2014 6:08 pm

        And by the way there is one minute indignation on my girlfriend’s podcast about the fracking in W Virginia at 1hr 40min.

      • Scott permalink
        August 1, 2014 6:11 pm

        It’s not a 9. I really enjoyed it, but not a 9 for anyone other than invested folks like me. It’s perfectly plausible that it has a 90% positive rating, but not 90 out of 100. The protagonists are well done and there are affecting character moments, but the villains just have nothing to them and the plot lacks any punch. Great spectacle, worth seeing in 3-D.

        It isn’t really a straight-up superhero movie. Almost a space opera. That said, if you don’t like comic books, you may not get a lot out of a comic book movie.

        Some reviewers have noted that it follows the same “chase the cosmic thingie” sequence as some of the other Marvel movies. The reason makes sense to long-time Marvel comics fans but obviously they’ve missed making it clear to non-fans, so that’s a fault. There are probably also too many things to keep track of for non-fans. That said, and this obviously isn’t a defense of the merits, but the reviews and box office on this thing are crazy.

        I like all of the example movies you listed except for the Last Boy Scout. The others are solid classics.

        All of the non-fans I know who’ve seen it have thoroughly enjoyed it but had valid criticisms. But I honestly hang out with intelligent people who aren’t literati, academics, or salon habitues, so mileage may vary.

      • August 1, 2014 6:26 pm

        The Last Boy Scout is very underrated. Not a classic, but it gets dismissed out of hand and that’s unfair.

      • August 1, 2014 6:21 pm

        Drive was a superhero movie.

      • Kent permalink
        August 1, 2014 6:22 pm

        1. I find The Last Boy scout melancholy for some reason and I love the bit where Willis gets punched in the face a few times and comes back with a calm but explicit threat and follows through (I used to be aggressive like that). Also he has a black friend so there is always a chance he will get to bang a black girl in the ass (which is what black girls like, in fact that is why they grow their butts so big. That is not racist, I am observant about girl’s asses and I speak my mind whatever the cost may be.)

        2. You are getting married so keep your mitts off Cara Santa Maria who is my internet girlfriend. I know polygamy is in vogue in W Virginia but pace yourself, I may be done with her in a few years.

      • Kent permalink
        August 1, 2014 6:30 pm

        3. Im drinking alot of whiskey these days, I suppose I only consume more water per weight, and beer and wine disgust me, why does anyone wade through such stench such fog. The more whiskey I drink the more certain I become in my philosophy. Soon I will understand everything.

      • Scott permalink
        August 1, 2014 6:35 pm

        2. I only find white girls attractive.

        I have a perspicacious layman’s familiarity with the WV fracking situation. Environmental law is currently my exclusive practice, although I am not well-versed in oil and gas. My bailiwicks are mining, water, air quality, and enforcement actions.

      • Kent permalink
        August 1, 2014 6:45 pm

        2. Interesting. You would not describe her as white? I would.

      • Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
        August 1, 2014 6:48 pm

        Rotten Tomatoes is where it’s at, Kunto. IMDB is for people over 60 who may or may not be loosely connected to the movie biz. Now go have another shot, you sad old poof.

      • Scott permalink
        August 1, 2014 6:53 pm

        I don’t know if I’d describe her as white or not. She’s a cute girl. I wouldn’t describe her as a “white girl.” I like “white girls.” I guess in my mind, “white girl” is something different than “a girl who is white” maybe? I don’t know, I like white girls.

      • Kent permalink
        August 1, 2014 7:01 pm

        No, I know what you mean. I live among arctic pasty faces. She seems so typically american it is hard not to think of her as white.

      • August 2, 2014 5:50 pm

        No movie is a 9. IMDB is nothing but the same retards who populate youtube comments. Derp.

        Kunt, you idiot, you know nothing about West Virginia. I have lived here for 20 years, having migrated from the the south side of Chicago. Dunno, would put more abuse here, but it gets better exposition every day from everyone else who posts here. Besides, polygamy is a Utah thing. We’re the state who succeeded during the “Civil” War in order to join the ZOG-controlled hegemony of the “Northern” (and thus more civilsed, apparently) states.

        Haven’t seen Guardians yet, but it’s on the schedule. Line-up is hodgepodge, but if it’s got Rocket and Drax, I’m good.

    • Scott permalink
      August 1, 2014 6:40 pm

      Well, I was just reading Grantland and Wesley Morris is unashamedly jizzing his pants over it, unexpected.

  139. Scott permalink
    August 1, 2014 6:13 pm

    clarifying: I can see 90% of people being more or less positively disposed towards it, it’s just not a 90 out of 100 rate movie.

  140. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    August 1, 2014 6:46 pm

    Some black chicks are pretty cute until you get their clothes off.

  141. Kent permalink
    August 1, 2014 6:56 pm

    This is probably impossible here but I have nothing to lose. Ive been thinking about illusions as spells and how to make them work as magic in AD&D RATIONALLY – LOGICALLY and so completely ignoring how they are presented in the PHB.

    It is the most complicated thing to consider in gaming in my view and yet fundamental to magic. The problem is that illusions are are NEVER considered rationally. I have never seen a DM on a forum think through the logical problems.

    So rather than I just presenting a solution can you see what the problems are?, assuming anyone here has ever played AD&D with intelligent players.

    • August 1, 2014 7:05 pm

      The first thing you have to determine is whether you consider illusions to be a manipulation of the target(s) perceptual systems or a manipulation of light waves and (in the case of those with auditory or olfactory components) possibly sound waves and the combination of molecules which will trigger olfactory perception.

      In the former case, illusions would properly fall under the category of enchantment/charm, while tin the latter case, they would be considered alteration or evocation spells.

    • Timotheus permalink
      August 1, 2014 7:27 pm

      Yeah, BLF is right, kent. If you are throwing out the PHB, the first thing you need to decide is whether illusions are interior or exterior; whether they are all in the players’ minds, or actual manipulation of light/sound into a state of matter. If the latter, why would there be a chance to “disbelieve”?

      Drink more whiskey and ask yourself, “What would Columbo do?”

      And did you ever track down The Cheap Detective, kent?

    • Kent permalink
      August 1, 2014 7:28 pm

      Right. So before getting to problems of functional keys or bridges and so on consider an illusionary cup on a table in an inn. Will that cup hold liquid poured from a third party serving maid unanticipated by the creator of the illusionary cup? If so, and this seems minimal to me, then how?

      • August 1, 2014 9:09 pm

        Will that cup hold liquid poured from a third party serving maid unanticipated by the creator of the illusionary cup?

        Absolutely not, and noticing this particular detail should allow an additional saving throw at a bonus. Neither a perception-clouding nor a light-bending illusion will have any effects on fluid dynamics.

      • Kent permalink
        August 1, 2014 10:17 pm

        Look you are a moron. Can you just fuck off ?

      • PrinceofNothing permalink
        August 2, 2014 7:48 am

        If your illusion has a touch component then theoretically it should be able to hold it(unless the maid disbelieves). Illusions always made a sort of weird sense to me as a blend between evocation and enchantment, which is why it was tied to the plane of Shadow in 1st edition. You are manipulating ephermal energies that are in a sort of ‘half’ state between existence and nonexistence, which can, with sufficient mastery, perform all the functions a real object/spell with the same qualities could perform. Illusions have some substance by themselves, but derive most of it from the perceptions of others, which is why someone who realizes an illusionary wall with a touch component is fake can just walk through it while another passerby moments later who does not realize this cannot. As your mastery of the art of illusion increases you can craft illusions that are ever closer to reality, without ever approaching it.

    • August 1, 2014 7:46 pm

      You blogged about this two years ago. Your take on it then was dumb, are you reconsidering?

    • Kent permalink
      August 1, 2014 8:07 pm

      Eh? LInk, moron.

      • August 1, 2014 8:28 pm

        It’s archived, that’s why the link title is weird:

      • Kent permalink
        August 1, 2014 8:35 pm

        That’s hot but irrelevant.

  142. Kent permalink
    August 1, 2014 7:43 pm

    Joe Rogan is getting me really into these mma ufc fights but the names are just blurs to me. Are there any any obviously great fights/fighters?

    • Scott permalink
      August 1, 2014 8:02 pm

      In terms of technique, MMA is better than it’s ever been, with some fighters emphasizing striking like boxing or muay thai, and some emphasizing grappling like wrestling or Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Back when most of the fighters were drawn from those disciplines, there was more specialization but the younger guys have come up with MMA in mind and start with a hybrid style. It’s a cool evolution to watch.

      That said, I have no idea who the fuck the new guys are, mostly. In my mind, the most entertaining fights were the early ones, where guys from different disciplines fought guys from other disciplines, and people started realizing that maybe 10th dan karate guys didn’t disintegrate you where you stood.

      To start, I’d watch UFCs 1-4. Royce Gracie, my early idol, won 3 out of the first 4. It was purely style vs. style, like a movie. (I’m biased, got to train for a few days with Royce, which was like fantasy camp. Game passed him by, though.)

      The very early UFCs have to be viewed as an entertaining showcase for Gracie jiu-jitsu, the original form of Brazilian jiu-jitsu, which was itself just a refinement of judo groundfighting techniques. Rorion Gracie produced them as a PPV/VHS view of what the Gracies used to do when they stormed dojos. The opponents were handpicked because they had no fucking idea what to do on the ground. But the rules were basically no eye gouging, no biting, and no fishhooking (because without biting, there’s not a great counter to fishhooking). There’s no doubt that the guys who couldn’t fight on the ground or who had come up just doing kata were totally exposed, and the “martial arts” world was transformed from fat mustachioed guys to people who’d actually put you on the mat to spar against resisting opponents like an athlete. Once wrestlers and Japanese shootfighters started working into the mix, pure Brazilian jiu-jitsu was no longer the ultimate weapon.

      Brazilian jiu-jitsu was my thing after wrestling when I was a kid. It’s a young guy’s game, and I’m not trying to seem like a bad-ass, because I wasn’t that good. I also can’t seriously call myself an “MMA” guy because I was terrible at boxing and never really got into muay thai. It is, however, kind of cool to spar constantly, because you know who you can hang with and lose any illusions regarding the people you can’t hang with.

      • Scott permalink
        August 1, 2014 8:49 pm

        I don’t think anyone, including the now-aged version of myself, has ever labored under the delusion that the fighty stuff or the tattoos are anything other than signifiers of some combo of body dysmorphia and an insecure and ultimately unsuccessful desire to project a stereotypical “bad-ass” image. Let’s give me some credit for self-reflection here. I am not, however, entirely unsatisfied with how I ended up, even if it was an unintended consequence of misguided flailing. Headed any possible midlife crisis off at the pass. xoxo

      • August 1, 2014 8:54 pm

        Brazilian jiu-jitsu was my thing after wrestling when I was a kid. It’s a young guy’s game, and I’m not trying to seem like a bad-ass, because I wasn’t that good

        You might want to switch to judo at this stage- you won’t get that dudebro aggression that you often get in MMA. Plus, you can fight like hell for a couple of hours and leave the dojo feeling great. Of course, you’ll feel like hammered shit the next day, and need a scalding twenty minute shower to be able to move.

        Years ago, when he was asked about MMA, a sensei of mine who had flirted with the not-quite-aboveground “ultimate fighting” circuit in the NY metro area was asked what he thought of MMA. His answer was “there’s no warmth in it.”

        MMA fighters nowadays seem to fight out of rage. Judo players fight out of love.

      • Scott permalink
        August 1, 2014 9:06 pm

        I don’t do anything anymore other than lifting weights. I realized some time ago that there’s a reason pro athletes have retired long before now. I haven’t been on a skateboard in four years now because of a single incident that taught me how life-changing one’s limitations can become.

        I would have LOVED to do judo, and supposedly it’s available everywhere cheaply at Y’s or whatever, but it wasn’t in my last college town.

        Our one gym had, on different nights, aikido, kung fu, BJJ, and escrima (sp?). I did aikido as a secondary thing for a while and it was great for practicing breakfalls, but it just was not my kind of thing.

        The guy who taught the kung fu was by all accounts a kind of nasty guy, but again not my thing. I like to practice like an athlete, not bow and do kata.

        I was super interested in escrima but the guy teaching it was a weird chubby guy in a black gi whacking bamboo sticks diffidently with one student at a time and seemed sketchy in terms of applicability.

        BJJ fit me very well and there were elements of striking, and the guys I trained with realized that sprawls were important and that the main use of groundfighting in your average situation is to get the fuck off the ground. But the takedowns and throws were a bit weak if you weren’t already a wrestler.

        My BJJ guys were like family, but this was before the first Ultimate Fighter reality show aired … attendance blew up, I’m sure the overall level of athleticism increased, but apparently the vibe really changed.

        I’d have loved to do judo for the sport element, throws, and breakfalls, but it just wasn’t around. I live in a climate where you wear jackets or outer layers for a big chunk of the year, and a facility in tossing people to the pavement is probably useful if you get into fights, which I do not.

      • August 1, 2014 9:23 pm

        I realized some time ago that there’s a reason pro athletes have retired long before now. I haven’t been on a skateboard in four years now because of a single incident that taught me how life-changing one’s limitations can become.

        Too true! I actually got an aggressive dude who wanted to throw down in a bar to back down by calmly asking him how his medical coverage was. Kinda got him thinking. That being said, I can count the number of match-ending injuries I’ve seen in thirty years on the fingers of one hand. I saw one guy get his finger dislocated, pop it back into place, and continue fighting.

        My initial interest in the sport was in learning breakfalls and generally improving kinesthetically. I’ve taken a couple of falls at speed off the bike and been able to dust myself off and ride home. One aspect I love about the sport is the cerebral element- a match is like a chess game operating on a more physical plane… you usually succeed because your opponent was off balance for a moment, or otherwise made a mistake. I once bested a clearly more skilled opponent because his pantleg was trailing the ground- I merely stepped on it, trapping his leg, and was able to use brute strength to power him down to the mat.

      • August 1, 2014 9:48 pm

        Yeah, I mean I’ve fucked a lot of dudes up and shit, with my fists and sometimes face kicks and that type of thing, but I don’t like to talk about my muscles, except for tomorrow I’m having an AMA on r/prisonfights, so if you want to know how to pinch a dudes dick off and make him eat it, stop by…

      • Scott permalink
        August 1, 2014 11:25 pm

        Well, hey, I didn’t spend all those years playing Dungeons and Dragons and not learn a little something about courage.

      • Diogen permalink
        August 3, 2014 10:08 pm

        Listen to you fat fucks talk all hardcore and shit. The closest you’ve gotten to any sort of fighting moves is on your Playstations! Yourdesireistosuckmycock, I’ve seen you in T.O. dude. I’m surprised you have the strength to keep flipping them burgers.

      • August 3, 2014 10:36 pm

        Banned. Done. Now what, bitchass?!?!?

      • Let me tell you about my character permalink
        August 4, 2014 5:36 pm

        Royce Gracie was pretty good in his prime but kind of overrated. I beat him up once. He got me in that one hold he does when he’s flat on his back and kicks you with the heel of his foot for like twenty minutes. I had studied under a 20th Dan Ninja master by then and knew how to harden my kidneys by holding in my breath power.

        My style now is primarily a combination of akido, jujitsu, karate, escrima, judo, kenpo, Hi-lo-no-dough, Russian systema, that Bruce Lee one and some commando stuff I learned while I was in the British Royal SAS regiment. In game terms I would be like a 17th level Grand Master of Flowers but I also know all the monkey Kung-Fu styles from that old Dragon magazine.

        Also I once snatched a D20 from Gary’s palm.

      • Let me tell you about my character permalink
        August 4, 2014 5:43 pm

        Also my Sensei is the evil Sensei from Karate Kid.

        And I also studied under the Rex Kwon Do Sensei from Napoleon Dynamite.

      • Scott permalink
        August 4, 2014 7:53 pm

        Iron Crotch is like a cheat code

    • Scott permalink
      August 1, 2014 8:04 pm

      Also, you’ll note in UFC 1 that the first sentence in UFC broadcast history contained a burp.

    • Kent permalink
      August 1, 2014 8:15 pm

      Ha ha, Scott. I have so much more respect for you now because i think you are bad ass !!

      • Scott permalink
        August 1, 2014 9:13 pm

        Kent, as safe things go, I think it’s safe to say that no one who met me in real life would think that I’m trying to be a bad-ass or that I’d succeed if I tried.

    • Kent permalink
      August 1, 2014 8:17 pm

      What I mean is the tattoos make sense now.

      • Scott permalink
        August 1, 2014 8:51 pm

        LOOK ABOVE YOU FOR APOLOGIA

  143. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    August 1, 2014 7:44 pm

    Kunt, you fucked it up for yourself so badly on all the other forums you had to come here to talk shop about D&D? You should have played nice and you could be discussing this at length with T. Foster, Wheggi, Thorkie, and all the unblowntards you wanted to be bestie fwends with an’ tawk Dee n’ Dee till the cows (your wife and her fellow charlady friends) come home but just could not restrain yourself from being an angry, drunken tool. Hey! maybe “Diogen” (Christian Walker) will be your pal! He gets super-laid!

    • August 1, 2014 9:05 pm

      Maybe he’ll start a “Play by Post” here, since his PbP at Fin’s place came to such an ignominious end.

  144. August 1, 2014 9:46 pm

    Oh, poor Kent, this thread would have been a prime target for his particular forum habits. My advice to the dude who hated Ethan Frome would be to re-read it as an adult. It’s truly a great horror story to someone who has some living behind them- I don’t know why the hell they make high school students read it.

    • Scott permalink
      August 1, 2014 10:08 pm

      Things like Ethan Frome, Brighton Rock, Jude the Obscure, and Flannery O’Connor’s entire corpus are fantastic things to point people towards. One reason I don’t enjoy “horror” literature as much as moody “supernatural” is that there’s far, far more troubling Actual Literature. The above works, along with Classical tragedies, put HPL to shame in terms of cosmic horror. Flannery (my favorite 20th century author) even makes Christian salvation a horrifying transformation.

      • August 1, 2014 11:13 pm

        I have come to the conclusion that it’s a big mistake to make high schoolers read Ethan Frome– a teenage smartass reads it and says, “Sled, BFD.” Reading it as an adult, it really conveyed a horrific feeling of helplessness in the face of an uncaring universe. It’s “Lovecraftian” cosmic horror for grown-ups.

    • Kent permalink
      August 1, 2014 10:20 pm

      Scott this guy is a fucking moron, try to see that.

      • Scott permalink
        August 1, 2014 10:32 pm

        I have difficulty keeping track of pseudonyms here but his commentary tonight hasn’t seemed stupid. Antagonistic to you, yeah. That seems to happen. You weather it like the old rugged cross so I trust in your continuing endurance.

        I haven’t checked that link but sight unseen, I can render my opinion that yes, Ethan Frome is more deeply horrifying a work than anything any “horror writer” ever wrote. It’s also overwhelming likely to be a more worthwhile work than anything I can imagine the usual forum denizen citing. I don’t any more have to check that than to tell someone they didn’t win the lottery. It’s virtually axiomatic. Whether one likes it is one’s own business, I can’t police philistinism.

        Surely you realize by now that my being generally laid-back and tolerant isn’t a conciliatory posture??

      • August 1, 2014 11:18 pm

        Kent’s just got his knickers in a bunch because I dubbed him the poster boy for the Dunning-Kruger effect. He’s the guy who claims that Americans don’t respect their betters. He sniffs that Americans don’t read, then admits he’s never read Saki. I think his ego gets bruised when he’s exposed as a Philistine putting on fancy airs.

  145. Scott permalink
    August 1, 2014 10:34 pm

    *overwhelmingly

    Just assume that on Friday nights I am drunk or worse and give me a mulligan on errors IF IT’S NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK

  146. Kent permalink
    August 1, 2014 10:41 pm

    Im done here. There were a few smart people here in the past but 95-99% of comment now is from a few morons and scumbags like CKDB, Bigby blah, Fear of the blah and burger flipper YDIS himself. There is no wit, just repetitive repulsive scum. And morons? Yes morons, but you can never ever convince morons to accept what they are and shut the fuck up, it is impossible

    Bye bye less than a half-dozen morons and scumbags !!

    LOL !!

    • August 1, 2014 11:14 pm

      **FLOUNCE**

      You’ll be back.

    • August 2, 2014 8:53 am

      Apparently, Kent believes that a podcast masturbation fantasy equates to “wit.”

      Well, who am I to say he’s wrong?

    • Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
      August 2, 2014 4:09 pm

      Oh, Kuntington. It’s so sweet when your feathers finally get ruffled from your well deserved beating here. Is there any greater irony than when a bully gets bullied to the point of tears? So off you’ll run, but with no life and nowhere to go, you’ll come back as a few shitty new user names, and eventually remove the masks and proclaim “Ha! It was I, Kunt, all along!”

      Just like that ugly fucking monkey sang at the beginning of Lion King “it’s the circle of liiiiiiiiiiife”

      • August 2, 2014 6:32 pm

        With apologies to Scott, who comes across as an unfailingly good egg, my take on Kent’s rather flamboyant flounce is that, because Scott has always been nice to Kent, even though Kent has “threadcrapped” on some of Scott’s posts in the past, Kent believes that he has a monogamous bromance with Scott. When Kent saw Scott responding to members of the commentariat he doesn’t like, he felt spurned.

        Here he is, all jilted, trying to convince Scott not to “stray”: Scott this guy is a fucking moron, try to see that. Poor Kent, “friendzoned” by the last guy in the elfgame community who would give him the time of day.

        Similarly, the only reason he sniffs around this place is that, as CKDB noted, it’s the only place that hasn’t banned him. Read through his posts on this thread, and he’s trying to conduct a one-on-one conversation with Scott throughout much of it. When we yahoos intruded on this conversation, Kent had a meltdown.

        I suspect that Kent read a lot of “Dragonlance” and “Warhammer” fiction as a teenager and that he’s overcompensating now for what he perceives as his youthful embarrassments by fancying himself a literary snob. When it comes down to brass tacks, though, he falls flat- he’s dealing with people who have read the literary classics but aren’t snobs. Fuck, even Dante and Chaucer were writing fart jokes.

        Maybe he’ll find a Joe Rogan podcast fanclub, maybe he’ll grow the fuck up and join a polite literary forum where he won’t stir up shit. I don’t have any real animus towards the guy, he’s just a convenient punching bag, and whenever I get a pang of guilt for being a dick to him, I just reread this or this, and the guilt trip dissipates immediately.

      • Scott permalink
        August 2, 2014 9:10 pm

        Kent’s a well-read guy in the canon and has educated opinions … my occasional conversations with him off-blog have left me with no doubt about that. The important things he’s into are mostly things I’m into. Some of his other tastes seem deliberately precious, idiosyncratic, or self-consciously lowbro but some of my sincere interests would as well.

        I don’t think he’s ever singled me out so much as realized that I don’t take myself very seriously, am fine with abuse, and am willing to offer as much as I can muster in the way of an intelligent response (or, failing that, something along the lines of “thanks for sharing” or “Abed, I see your value now” or “good luck with your fitness goals in 2014”).

        Even when I had a blog and he’d occasionally postcrap, I had no real problem with it. I never did and would never moderate other than to purge Russian spambots, and I don’t mind people bitching at me, particularly when they’re sometimes right and I’m being a dipshit, or even when they try to troll me. It’s not like it’s going to affect my sales of things I don’t sell.

        When he’s not obviously talking retarded stuff, he usually has something intelligent to say, albeit peppered with contrarian pop culture opinions, incomprehensible shit about black girls’ elephant-skin-looking butts, and radius-based antagonism that just makes me want to cuddle him and put him in my pocket.

        I suspect we’d get along just fine in real life. I can’t imagine he’s so precious or concerned with philosophy and symmetry face-to-face.

        Bottom line, he’s either crazier than a shithouse rat or he trolls the trolls. Either way, I respect it.

  147. August 2, 2014 6:26 am

    Now I know for sure you guys have nothing better to do on Friday nights…

    • Scott permalink
      August 2, 2014 7:10 am

      I’m old, domesticated, have impulse control issues, wash down pills with beers or malt liquor, hang out with the only people on the planet who I love (my girl and my animals), and mainly stay in either my home or visit a very narrow circle of friends. Rarely go to bars, never get in fights. I can’t even *think* of anything better to do at this point in my life.

      The down side is obviously that I have crippling insomnia and am still awake. 😦

      • Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
        August 2, 2014 4:11 pm

        Scott, whenever I plan my retirement it sounds just like that.

    • August 2, 2014 7:46 am

      Sounds vaguely familiar, except for insomnia part.

    • Bigby's Lubed Fist permalink
      August 2, 2014 9:23 am

      I have an unorthodox work schedule and dick around on the t00bz when there’s downtime.

    • August 2, 2014 6:07 pm

      Live your days instead of counting your years.

  148. Sykirobme