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Appendix 7: Selected Dwimmermount treasures

October 15, 2012
  • 2000 c.p. sequestered among moldy rat turds
  • 1000 c.p. stuffed into a ghoul’s applebag
  • 600 c.p. pickled in goblin smegma
  • 10,000 c.p. worth of copper dust, indistinguishable from and scattered among the real dust that coats every surface within Dwimmermount
  • immense copper coin (9000 lbs.) worth 5 c.p., drenched in curdled Satine-flow
  • the remains of half a candle and a crimson flower worth 5 s.p.
  • 4 c.p. unguarded, pristine, unfortunately illusionary
  • 200 c.p., inside a stirge’s orange leather fanny pack
  • 1 c.p., hidden beneath a single copper piece
  • 1000 c.p., stacked precisely by zealous yellow mold
  • 400 c.p. wafting amid a cloud of sprite farts
  • 10 c.p. arranged meticulously atop lintel carved with ornate Thulian runes which, if deciphered via Wish spell, read “LINTEL”
  • 5000 gold pieces, all made of copper and only worth 1 c.p. each, stuffed into a werewizard’s poop chute
  • 4 ghosts play ghost poker around a spectral table wreathed in wisps of ectoplasm, while faint sounds of the haunt (moans, ghostly armpit farts) echo at the edge of hearing; they pantomime a portentous bicker over a shimmering trove of 3 c.p., though this fortune is as ghostly as the ghosts and worth nothing (can’t be touched because ghost-copper)
  • 4000 tarnished c.p., stink fumes arising from said coins diminishes value 75%
  • 500 c.p., soaked in centaur felch
  • 1 c.p. glued to 1 c.p., making 2 c.p. coin too big to fit into any gumball machine
  • 9000 c.p. obscured by a feathery pile of dwarf pubes
  • 10 c.p. worth of D– rated Irish state bonds
  • 2000 c.p. sprinkled lightly with the tears of Kickstarter supporters

 

46 Comments leave one →
  1. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    October 15, 2012 11:41 am

    Goddam. Tha’s a lotta copper. Even more than that fat, smelly beardo Gygax placed in Castle Greyhawk. Probably.

    Ironically, the centaur felch and dwarf pubes are worth more than the coppers it’s paired up with to the right alchemist (a gay one). That’s the genius of Jamal. He wants most to think he is a talentless, unimaginative dungeon hack, when to those of us who see real brilliance his dungeon dressing and treasure placement is revolutionary. My only gripe is he seems to have totally forgotten about having lots of half-coppers. Y’know, like the old English ha’ penny? Having coins worth even less than a regular copper would really add to the versimillitude.

    And boy howdy, including some of Satine’s heavier monthly flow as part of the dangers of copper gathering proves that the gals do have a place in games.

  2. October 15, 2012 2:58 pm

    I’d melt that copper down into wire and electrocute myself if I had to play through this drab set of encounters.

  3. UNCLECARBUNCLE permalink
    October 15, 2012 3:46 pm

    THIS FUCK BLOG SMELL LIKE KENTS CUNTS MOMS YEEST INFECTION

  4. October 16, 2012 3:54 am

    Don’t forget to include ripping off the old Outdoor Wilderness map. Seems to me the production value for this Dwimmer product is going to be very low. Raggi at the very least puts some effort (however misguided) into the way his products look. JMAL does not seem to have any sort of aesthetic sense.

    • October 16, 2012 1:06 pm

      I’m so fucking tired of talking about this shitty fucking project, but they constantly up the ante of WTF?!?!? The Dwimmermount regional map is literally the old Outdoor Wilderness Map:

      http://batintheattic.blogspot.com/2012/10/taking-stroll-outside-of-dwimmermount.html

      That fucking amazes me. Conley lets us know “It was a pretty straightforward project to do.” No shit, exactly copying something did not entail a challenge to your creative process? I’m happy you weren’t forced to operate outside your comfort zone, Rob.

      Is this even legal? It must be, somehow, because Conley has a goddamn boner for the OGL and the SRD, but man what a cynical bunch this is. Their Kickstarter supporters should absolutely shame them for the contemptible lack of originality on display.

      • October 16, 2012 4:02 pm

        The use of the old Outdoor Map in the first place was obviously done in the spirit of winging it. This smells of desperation, as in, I have to get some sort of half assed product out the door using as little of this kickstarter cash as possible.

        I don’t blame the guy for wanting to make a buck. I do think he should at least try to deliver something that at least tries to reach the low levels of a Raggi product.

      • October 16, 2012 4:03 pm

        The new re do isn’t even in color. Guess Jimbo don’t want to pay for ink.

      • October 16, 2012 4:04 pm

        I do agree they are going out of their way or Jimbo is, in making this thing reek.

      • October 17, 2012 12:11 pm

        WTF?!? Jesus Mother Fucking Christ JaMal why don’t you just beg your mental midget blog fans to send you all their copies (not to worn mind you!) of The Temple of Elemental Evil and put a Dimmerdouche Suckdungeon sticker on the cover so you can send them out as the Kickstarter fulfillment?

      • Timothy permalink
        October 18, 2012 7:02 am

        It does look like Conley has been taking English lessons. There is actual punctuation, and his syntax is improving. In another couple of years he may be able to write an entire paragraph without an editor.

        That must be the direction his “creative” efforts are focused, because they ain’t in that mailed-in map.

  5. October 16, 2012 4:41 am

    Sign me up for five copies.

  6. Paul permalink
    October 16, 2012 7:21 am

    Shouldn’t that be spelled “mouldy”?

  7. Zarathustra permalink
    October 16, 2012 5:09 pm

    I suppose using a 40 year old map which everyone already owns is perfectly in keeping with the spirit of making a dungeon using only the random tables and adding nothing interesting of your own. Thematically it is a masterpiece; when the cover art comes out I only hope it is stolen from an old Ares magazine or one of those shitty paperbacks he jerks over.

    • October 16, 2012 8:38 pm

      Kickstarter news:

      Coming up a chance to fund, get this, a new Players Handbook, DMG and MM. But this time, and here’s the best part, its what someone else thinks Gygax would have come up with for 2nd edition AD&D based on Dragon articles just about all of us have access to. From a blog that many of us probably have already read.

      Makes my pile of shit looks good doesn’t it?

      • October 17, 2012 12:17 pm

        That Gayhawk guy at least delivered on all his Kickstarter promises. And I see from his blog he’s a Romney-bot so maybe we’ll get a DM’s Binder of Women for our orcs to rape and shit on out of him next time. I’d Shitstart that if Poag does the art. (See wot I did there? Keep YDIS timely and relevant!)

  8. UNCLECARBUNCLE permalink
    October 17, 2012 6:15 pm

    EVRY WHICH WAY BUT LOSE SHE IS POUNDED WHILE CANDI MOANS IN MODEST INTREST. AXGAR LVL4 BARBARIAN BEGINS TO GIVE UP ON HIS NUT AND PASSES OUT AS CANDI SAYS FUCK IT AND LEAVES TO EXPLORE TH TEMPLE

    • Timothy permalink
      October 18, 2012 7:04 am

      Hopefully Candi likes copper or Irish bonds. That is all she will find on Dimmermount level 1.

  9. The Minotaur's Left Testicle permalink
    October 18, 2012 4:39 pm

    Aaaaand our buddy Kent gets the boot from “The RPG Site”.

    http://www.therpgsite.com/showthread.php?t=24411

    • October 18, 2012 6:01 pm

      And he’s also taken down his blog…again.

    • October 19, 2012 6:35 am

      So Kent stole Poag’s schtick over at the RPGPun-tard’s site? Still no originality. I hope this doesn’t mean Kunt will be crawling back to YDIS now.

  10. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    October 18, 2012 6:27 pm

    Zak is a weird prick (who has a weird looking prick to go with his weird looking bitch), and certainly needs to be goofed on at all times, but he isn’t really worth this level of hate. So his blog has over a thousand followers. Blogs about fat free cooking get followers in the tens of thousands. It’s a small pond, and who would want to have the retarded, Aspergers legion of followers that make up almost all of gaming besides us on YDIS?

    The most high profile thing he ever did or ever will was I Hit it with My Jizz (or am I confusing him cumming on the gimpy Mandy with his videotaped freak D&D show), and that was barely a pimple on the pop culture ass. Some people besides The Unblown, outside gaming, maybe have perked up when they heard about porn chicks playing D&D. But when they actually saw the chicks involved, Zaks weird Puerto Rican New York hooker hair and tats, and the boring ass gameplay, they tuned right the hell out. Leaving only Reints, Nagora, Joe The Lawyer, and a good passle of unblown dorks with dreams of porking Satine to be faithful to his twitchy tweaker teachings. In 10 years nobody will know who any of these wanna be gamer celebs were, and Zak will be stocking shelves at Costco (for all I know he already does).

    I think Kent is a broken (mentally and physically) loser like out whiny pal Bloodymage (who even as recently as this week piped up on DF asking “why won’t anybody help me?”). Like BloodyM, Kent needs to start occupying his time running a pretend game company. He really needs something to do besides farting up shitty ass game forums.

    • Lamentations of Gary Gygax's Ghost permalink
      October 18, 2012 11:45 pm

      Raggi, Jamal, Zak… If someone writes the Big History of D&D about the only mention these dips can hope for is,”A bunch of mindless jerks that were the first ones up against the wall when the Revolution came.” And even that is giving them more space than they probably deserve.

    • October 19, 2012 6:41 am

      I think Vornheim sucks a cock. Surely I can’t be the only one.

  11. Timothy permalink
    October 19, 2012 6:59 am

    Kent took his agent provocateur thing too far. Even seemed to be calling Jews retards. He got into some anti-semitic bullshit before he buggered off from here, but comparing Zak to Hitler, even in his I’m-not-being-serious-but-you-are-a-moron schtik, is going too far even for him. It’s not even remotely funny.

    Fuck Kent. Hopefully he is gone for good, along with all of his sock puppet accounts.

  12. FASERIP permalink
    October 19, 2012 3:50 pm

    Zak’s a mope.

    Look it up.

  13. UNCLECARBUNCLE permalink
    October 19, 2012 5:00 pm

    CANDI TAKE A FEW BONG TOKES AND LIGHTS ACANDLE AN STEALS INTO TH CORRIDOR WHERE SHE ENCUNTERS A SMALL BLUE MAN RIDING A DRGONFLIE. HEY JE THE TWKMAN WHAT TH FUCK U DOING HERE CANDIS ASKS. I AM NOT JE ALAS I AM JA HIS UNRELATED UNCLE BANISHED TO SERVE IN THE DUNGEONS

  14. Todd Chambers permalink
    October 19, 2012 7:44 pm

    Rizak: are those Canadian pennies?

  15. October 21, 2012 8:29 am

    A Monolith play report: http://www.therpgsite.com/showthread.php?t=24383

    Guess what? It sucked!

    • October 21, 2012 9:26 am

      I get the impression Faggi really wants to write Lovecraftian horror fiction, but knows his mediocre talent would get lost anonymously in that crowded field. That’s why he writes fiction and tries to pass it off as a viable game adventure to the unblown socially retarded dorks of the much smaller OSR community. This way he gets to be the big fish in the small pond. A pond full of misfits and retards.

  16. October 21, 2012 9:29 am

    Tell me more of Faggonfoot’s Bloodymage. Judging by the posts and avatar, I can’t tell if Bloodymage is a woman, a homosexual, or a she male tranny. Anybody know?

    That’s just some pretty sad, pathetic reading. It almost feels wrong to poke it with a stick. Almost.

  17. October 21, 2012 9:32 am

    And you’d think that JaMal would drop at least one of those new age copper bracelets that cure arthritis, cancer and AIDS in Dimmerdouche.

  18. The Minotaur's Left Testicle permalink
    October 21, 2012 11:59 am

    The never-ending laments of the one they call bloodymage:

    http://www.dragonsfoot.org/forums/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=56530

    It’s really pathetic.

    Look, I understand that the dude has problems. But it is nonetheless interesting (in a car-wreck sort of way) to watch him so obviously beg for anyone to please feel sorry for him, yet in that thread no one seems to be reacting to his whining any longer and the conversation just swirls around him.

    • The Minotaur's Left Testicle permalink
      October 21, 2012 12:05 pm

      One last chuckle:

      From his blog:

      ===============
      Still cranky…
      Published October 2, 2011
      Doesn’t look like I’m going to get any response today for my meetup at Denny’s. I’ll be stuck in this house, yet another one, continually playing with myself. Man this sure is getting old.
      ===============

      Insert going blind/hairy palm joke here.

  19. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    October 23, 2012 12:09 pm

    See Arneson’s, hard to resist with such rich material, eh? It’s like the guy encompasses all the tard attributes of the DF crowd and other forum wankers. Aging and desprate? Check. Physically and mentally broken? Check. Checked out emotionally? Check. Thrashing around for attention, any attention. Check. Lonely? Check. Aspergers? Check. It is very sad indeed, but remember that there is as much a chance that he’ll decide to buck up and be half a man in the face of his problems upon reading any of this as there is he’ll throw a rope over a beam and pull a Brooks from Shawshank Redemption. But yeah, marketing product by posting how shit his life is seems to be a pretty cross purposes. If only he could go back in time 4 years, start a blog about nostalgia gaming cheese, and hit his followers up for free product and Kickstarter money years later he’d be sitting pretty.

    But as an alternative to BloodyM bashing, I’d recommend any number of longer running threads on DF where regulars show up again and again to show what tools they are. The What Are You Drinking thread is a personal fave. The especially tarded gamers love to brag about things they do other than gaming, like drinking! You can see Wheggi and Ironface sucking each other off about the great ale they are “drinking while grilling with the GF” or Predavolk trying to ignore his boyfriend Sauna’s constant posts about drinking water and tea and bragging about his own awesome skills at picking a beer or wine. Really, since I discovered Dragonsfoot lately, I’ve had a ton of fun watching my little toon friends Aspergers it up on those threads. The only drawback is it sometimes makes me feel like shit for being a gamer like they are. I hate to think that I do anything, even shitting and pissing, that these weirdos also do.

  20. October 23, 2012 3:54 pm

    Awesome. Show me more!

  21. Captain Kirks Dick Blood permalink
    October 24, 2012 5:12 pm

    The lesson about Bloodymage, and why his story/cautionary tale should be heard, is that he started his whole game company thing based on Freakshow Zak’s comments about how everybody should get out there and publish their shit no matter what and no matter the cost. Obviously good advice for Jamal but bad for somebody like Bloodymage, who barely has the resources (a wife that works full time) of a Jamal. That is the take away from the Saga of Bloodymage. Guys like Zak spew their ideas out into the ether constantly, and most of them are just to hear themselves talk and get an approving clap from The Unblown. Guys like Zak should not be giving advice. They should be getting bullied by jocks and stockpiling weapons to pull a Columbine/theater shooting.

    • October 27, 2012 1:54 pm

      Zak- ( that name sucks ) is not to blame for some moron following his imbecilic advise.
      Zak is way tooo coooool and busy with his potentially diseased low self-esteemers to worry about the ramifications of his advise. In fact I bet he has little clue as to what will transpire.
      Guess the fucktards never realized some dude on the internet might just be a fellow fuck tard and not someone to emulate.

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