Skip to content

Keep the Monolith reviews coming

August 19, 2012

I’m working on my own monolith module and for $3 I think I just found my cover art.


105 Comments leave one →
  1. TurdBurgler permalink
    August 19, 2012 9:54 pm

    You could call it “The Cock Cairn of Colon Crater”

  2. August 20, 2012 4:41 am

    Um, from Purple Dick Games?

  3. August 20, 2012 6:00 am

    Another Monolith review:

    Jimmy4 leaves a comment but ignores the follow up question.

  4. Timothy permalink
    August 20, 2012 6:19 am

    This guy nails it. R4 shows up to say a statement is odd, but is unable to refute it so he doesn’t. Also contains one of Raggs’ drones claiming the module is fine, it is your fault, blah, blah, blah.

    It is funny him claiming how playtested this module is, but all the thoughtful reviews point out what a piece of shit it is. Raggs shows up in these threads but can’t address the issues raised. In actuality, he can’t, the module is central to his philosophy of “Fuck you, that’s why,” even with the railroad tracks are nicely polished with neon arrows pointing at them.

    It’s not weird, it’s stupid.

    Seriously, if you are a player, why the hell would you want to go through a Raggi module? Misery tourism at its strongest.

    Also, check out that grotesque dude’s review of Isle of the Unknown. Classic, and the comments have standard issur R4 attack dog frothing at the review.


    • August 20, 2012 9:56 am

      “If a time paradox does occur with the fish, the campaign world and all connected universes fold in on themselves ending everything. Not only is this game over, but the Referee in question can never run an RPG session again, with any system, because all their possibilities have been canceled.”

      Too bad that doesn’t apply to Raggi writing and publishing adventures.

  5. Peanut Eminem permalink
    August 20, 2012 9:21 am

    Raggi hates players. It is working out all the impotent rage from all the years he was picked on by metal heads much cooler than him and red-headed women who told him to get a life.

  6. Captain Kirk's Dick Blood permalink
    August 20, 2012 11:33 am

    The guy named his game/company/whatever after the imagined tortured tears of some red headed girl he once stalked (and still does for all we know). He is a weird creepy fuck. Not weird in a good, amusing Ed Greenwood muppet catpiss way, but in a “what the hell did your mother do to you? Where was dad?” way.

    Also his brand of gamer sexism (women are objects to be made to suffer – hell, so are children) comes from madonna/whore complexes brought on by being treated like shit by women in formative teen + years (and perhaps mocked by children for looking like a fat chick). You can see that in other gamers on forums or at game tables too. Hating women for rejection is practically a gamer trope. And think about it; a large part of what D&D and other gaming is about basically boils down to acting out and wish fullfillment. You can read a lot into old Geoffreys’ rape-little-girl-for-hours-to-cast-a-sleep-spell shit. That’s not “I’m just grabbing this controversial idea from thin air and can tolerate it in my game.” It’s from a place inside. . Wow, I’m getting all psychological. I guess I’m Mr. Spocks Dick Blood today.

    Weirdness is great for D&D. Sex issues can be a part in D&D when people are halfway mature. But the pyschodrama should be coming from warriors fighting ugly monsters in catacombs and loading up on treasure. The pyschodrama should not be coming from gamer labidos. Vanilla and old and broke as Jamals stuff is, you have to give him credit for not being a sick freak. You can do all the basic D&D stuff in Dwimmermount, but at least you won’t feel sexually ackward moments. Unless you have a dust fetish and deep fear of empty spaces.

    • Arneson's Spectre permalink
      August 20, 2012 5:12 pm

      You haven’t seen the pumpkin pedophile boy rape art JaMal so dearly loves yet, have you?

      Oh there’s a sickness to JaMal as well. He just keeps it hidden better beneath a veneer of old world conservatism.

      • August 20, 2012 6:51 pm

        We covered this one. Earned me my first DMCA takedown notice.

      • Arneson's Spectre permalink
        August 20, 2012 7:11 pm

        You probably could have fought it but I guess it wouldn’t be worth it. Clearly it falls under “Fair Use” and “parody” after all. Still, might get JaMal on the FBI’s radar and looking into what dirty little secrets he has on his hard drive. I wonder why an American would run away to Canada? JaMal’s not old enough to have been a draft dodger, so there must be something he’s hiding from in America. I bet that Conservative freak takes full advantage of the socialized medicine up there though.

  7. August 20, 2012 12:51 pm

    Nothing like Raggi himself- I watch his youtube clip every night before bed….

  8. Arneson's Spectre permalink
    August 20, 2012 5:02 pm

    I just downloaded my copy of The Turd from Beyond Talent and Taste today. I love shopping for all my RPGs at 7chan. They never charge me anything. I guess it’s a perk I get for all my YDIS commentary and criticism. Anyhow review to soon follow.

    I also got a copy of Derp Love Dumb from 7chan as well. I love the artwork. It looks like they gave a mentally retarded boy who just learned how to self stimulate his genitalia and is now a chronic masturbator a black crayon and told him to go to town. Kudos to the artist for pulling that off. Unless of course the artist actually was a retard that enjoys chronic masturbation. Then that’s just what you’d get.

    • Timothy permalink
      August 21, 2012 6:47 am

      Yeah, that bitch is giving all of us retarded chronic masturbators a bad name.

  9. Arneson's Spectre permalink
    August 20, 2012 5:07 pm

    Oh and I like your choice of cover art. It clearly evokes the primal emotion of the Big Purple Dildo that is RPGNet through a whimsical lens.

  10. faserfag permalink
    August 20, 2012 9:44 pm

    Read it, thanks for the 7chan tip. This is some serious autistic shit. It’s not just some retarded save or die nonsense, it’s “interact with anything” and die. It’s very metal, and by “metal” I mean “written by someone with the intellect of a 13 year old”. This is the kind of dick DM shit that 3tards use as ammunition against perfectly good versions of D&D. Fuck you Raggi…

    • Arneson's Spectre permalink
      August 21, 2012 7:59 am

      Well the 3tards at least got it right about the 4rons and their move the game pieces around the board version of D&D. It’s like somebody took a popular fantasy video game like WoW and made it a board game. With three editions of D&D to choose from, the 3tards were bound to get it right about one. Thank Christ in Heaven Wizards cancelled that miserable failure shit edition three years in and announced 5e and more importantly bring back 1e real D&D to print to kill the cut and paste hackery of the OSR. That’s what 3tards and 4rons would call a critical hit. I wonder though if the board game mentality of 4e is what inspired Alexis and his count the fucking hexes on the map blog?

  11. Arneson's Spectre permalink
    August 21, 2012 1:40 pm

    My Turd Monolith Review: If there is an OSR Hell, it would most certainly consist of an eternity of being forced to play The Turd from Beyond Talent and Taste with Alexis as your Dungeon Master while you sit between Ken St. Andre and Kent. For all eternity and all hope abandoned.

    • Arneson's Spectre permalink
      August 21, 2012 1:44 pm

      Everyone in OSR Hell is drawn by Stephen Poag so they are raping and eating babies and they are also shitting.

    • Roger Moret permalink
      August 22, 2012 9:09 am

      Fuck you AS, now I’m going to have nightmares.

  12. Captain Kirk's Dick Blood permalink
    August 21, 2012 2:27 pm

    Pirates out there, keep posting Monolith whereever you can and whenever you can, me mateys. Seems they are getting taken down lightning fast. I don’t want anybody spending a dime on these huckster projects, but we need to get a peek so we can see for ourselves what the fuss is about.

  13. Lamentations of Gary Gygax's Ghost permalink
    August 21, 2012 4:37 pm

    At least the blog-o-fucking-sphere is actually giving this piece of shit the reviews it deserves mostly. Unlike Death Thrust Umph which was an equally dire and shitty module that got glowing reviews from most people enough to con me out a few dollars. I’d review those in detail and spoil the ever loving fuck out of DFD, The Grinding of James’ Loins Against His Imaginary Red Headed Girl Gear, and No Dignity in Death so James go fucking KILL yerself Already. Finding a copy of Monolith would take time and effort I won’t waste on that pimply doughboy that fancies himself the cutting edge of the OSR.

  14. August 21, 2012 6:31 pm

    I don’t get the need to buy what one can either think up for oneself or one could say go to any of the numerous sites that offer free modules easily adaptable to any old school set of rules.
    I wouldn’t even bother to pirate a copy of a turd.

  15. Dumb Frost Doom permalink
    August 22, 2012 5:52 am

    More Failure from Raggiland: “God that Crawls goes to the printer this week. But it will NOT have the Early Modern Supplement; there’s too much to do there involving new rules and research to do fun stuff that need actual play to see if they work and just kinda skipping that would be a BAD IDEA, and at the same time it was going to overshadow the actual adventure.”

    Two things:
    1) What has Raggi been doing in the many months since the funding for this shit-sack adventure came through? How is part of it that he promised not done? Oh, right, he spent all those months begging for money for the next batches of vaporware.

    2) If you’re worried that a supplement with stats for guns is over to “overshadow the actual adventure,” it really doesn’t say much for the quality of the adventure itself.

    Worse yet: God That Crawls to the Shitter opens with a fucking Raggi-penned essay. Dear OSR blowhards, quit putting essays in your shit; just give us the actual adventure, no one cares about your self-important ramblings.

    • Arneson's Spectre permalink
      August 22, 2012 7:06 am

      Tell me about it. Faggi was supposed to send me a resin model of The Turd from Beyond Talent and Taste and some miniatures as a crowd funding perk, but instead Saltine Penix or whatever that porn “star” skank’s name is showed up at my house and took a dump on my game mat and threw down some Homies figures from the 25 cent gumball machine outside the grocery store. I guess if you are going to actually play this turd, you might as well use a real turd and have the PCs hire expendable Mexicans illegals to do the adventure for them.

  16. Timothy permalink
    August 22, 2012 8:18 am

    And the Faggi Faithful are roving the internet with their guns blazing. Most of the links above have instances, but check this exchange out. This crippled snowflake Ed Dove is R4’s number one cocksucker, accusing everyone who doesn’t sing the magnificent praises of lying and logical errors. The kid’s obviously a petty faggot, but deserving of a minor footnote to a comment on this illustrious blog, given his pitbull determination to prove his stupidity –

    • Arneson's Spectre permalink
      August 22, 2012 9:08 am

      Yeah, Ed Dove’s lips are wrapped around Raggi’s limp and pimply cock pretty tight, and that bitch is definitely gonna swallow. Ed Dove should start a blog – Your Dungeon *I* Suck! “Dimmerdouche and Turd Monolith are totally AWESOME! Slurp slurp slurp!”

    • Arneson's Spectre permalink
      August 22, 2012 9:22 am

      What Ed Dove (and obviously Faggi the Fourth) don’t understand is that the “humor” in LotFP products just isn’t funny, at least not to those who do not have Aspergers or some other form of social retardation. Now YDIS, this shit IS funny. It’s also brutal here, but at least the comments and criticisms at YDIS make sense and are based in truth about these hack job cut and paste retroturd retreads by social misfits that don’t even fit into the social misfit club that is roleplaying games.

      • Von permalink
        August 25, 2012 9:25 am

        The comments and criticisms are everything you say they are.

        The dick wrangling becomes tiresome after a while. I suppose I could wrangle fewer dicks offline to compensate, but why would I give up having fun just to read about yours? That’d be like starting a gaming blog and spending time updating… it… instead of… hang on. I may need to rethink my lifestyle here.

    • August 22, 2012 11:04 am

      Yeah, I’ve been watching Ed Dove for a while and trying to figure him out. At first, judging his intense focus on LotFP and his odd insistence on quoting in all his replies, I thought he was a legit Asperger and I was going to rename the affliction “Edsperger’s” in his honor. But he de-mechanizes sometimes, typically when he gets in a huff, which demonstrates an emotional flex alien to a true ‘sperg, so I’m confused. Just a basement case? What’s the upside? He’s got a pretty funny thread on the LotFP boards where he minutely picks apart the books for errors, presumably to be rewarded with a free copy of the next revision. He’s had some creepy exchanges out in the wild where everyone sort of wonders about his programming. Maybe run him through a Voight-Kampff? I would give anything to have a camera follow him around for a couple days.

      • Ed Dove permalink
        August 22, 2012 8:29 pm

        When Jack Shear banished me from his blog, he also told me you were curious about me and directed me to this discussion. If you really are curious about me, then it’s not difficult to find out about me…

        The reason why I focus on LotFP online is just because I like it and, because I’m new to it, I’m still learning about it. But I play mostly AD&D.

        The reason why I quote what I’m replying to before my reply is just to help people understand what I’m talking about. Otherwise, when more than one discussion is going on in a single thread, people can easily get confused.

        I don’t have Asperger’s syndrome, but I do suffer from debilitating chronic depression.

        I know my usual mode of writing is too mechanistic because I try so hard for clarity that I overshoot all the way to clunky. I’m workin’ on it!

        Yeah…I sometimes lose my cool. People on the receiving end should know that I hate myself more than I hate them. I’m working on that, too.

        I’m not a full-on basement case, but I am somewhat of a recluse due to the depression.

        I’m also an aggressive bed-wetter. Working on lifestyle accommodation (rubber sheets, no drinks 2+ hours before bed).

        The upside is that my wife still loves me.

        The reason why I’ve participated so much in the LotFP Rules & Magic editing topic is just because I use that book, so I’d like it to be as clearly written as possible. But I sure wouldn’t mind getting a free copy of it, too! (Fat chance. Raggi’s never given me anything for free.)

        I come across as creepy? Gotta work on that, too.

        Give me a camera and enough memory to record for however long you want and I’ll record myself for that long and send you the recordings.

        Oh…and I want some money, too.

        And a pony.

      • August 22, 2012 9:35 pm

        I don’t think you are really working on any of the things you say you are working on. Your douche bag through-line is straighter than Tim Tebow walking a field sobriety test.

      • Ed Dove permalink
        August 22, 2012 10:04 pm

        Your right 😦

      • August 22, 2012 10:09 pm

        “You’re.” That’s one more thing to not work on.

      • Ed Dove permalink
        August 22, 2012 10:13 pm

        My penis is the size of a light switch. I enjoy sex with my wife’s left nostril.

      • August 22, 2012 10:16 pm

        Whoa! TMI Ed, TMI.

      • August 22, 2012 10:24 pm

        Ed, couple quick questions! It’s your birthday, someone gives you a calfskin wallet. How do you react?

        Describe in single words only the good things that come into your mind about your mother.

        Ed? Where’d you go? EDDIE?!?!?!?

      • Timothy permalink
        August 23, 2012 6:10 am

        V-K doesn’t work on Spexus-6.

  17. Roger Moret permalink
    August 22, 2012 9:33 am

    Jack’s comments section is pure gold! (

    “Stephan PoagAugust 21, 2012 10:54 AM
    I’m a bad commentor… I didn’t read the whole review… nor did I read the book it is reviewing… so I am a completely craptastic commentator”

    Replace “commentator” with “artist” for better understanding.

    “Stephan PoagAugust 21, 2012 11:21 AM
    Jack asked, Hey, whatever happened to that flip book thing you were working on?
    Short answer is, “Keep your shirt on… I’m still working on it.”
    Slightly longer answer is: The book is/was mostly re-written (75%) and re-illustrated (100%), but then my computer crashed badly and it turns out that my backup was not backing up… so hopefully, if I can retrieve it, it will be done sooner rather than later… but it was a bad crash… which might have destroyed the manuscript except for some scattered notes that are elsewhere and/or have been mailed to Jim and thus can be recovered from my sent mail folder… which would suck… but hopefully I can get it back… still working on that. The new illustrations are done… unfortunately, after looking at them, I think they suck and have started redoing them and still have about 30+ to redo and ‘color.’ My S.O. thinks I am insane; she says, “You already spent a ton of time on those illustrations… no one is going to care,” but I just don’t like them, so, well, there you go.”

    For all three of you who were eagerly awaiting this masterpiece….there you go. Even Pog thinks his artwork sucks now.

    Rags and our beloved Kunt even step in to comment!

    • Timothy permalink
      August 22, 2012 10:01 am

      More Poag gold from that thread:

      “I think criticism is fair, but “everything fucking sucks” is as useless and pointless as “everything is great.”
      And, no, I still haven’t read your review, Jack. Sorry. I’m lame. I haven’t read “monolith” either.”

      So he still can’t be bothered to take four minutes and read an articulate review, but he has no problems summing it up as Everything Sucks.

      What a fucking idiot.

      • Roger Moret permalink
        August 22, 2012 7:52 pm

        Pog can’t take four minutes to learn basic anatomy so all his “art” doesn’t look like a 8 year old off his Ritalin, why on earth would he take four minutes to flip through one of Rag’s modules.

    • Captain Kirk's Dick Blood permalink
      August 22, 2012 11:12 am

      He has an “S.O.” who doesn’t look at his work, piss her pants, pack a quick bag, and jump out the fucking bathroom window to go hide out at her moms? Goddamn she must be one hell of a beaut.

    • Dumb Frost Doom permalink
      August 22, 2012 6:42 pm

      That blog’s comments continues to deliver. Superstar Pembrooktonshitter Jeff has cracked the code of how to approach the Giant Turd from Beyond: “There’s precisely one way to avoid the light surfers: Don’t get within 30′ of the monolith with your eyes open. >30′ with eyes open, no problem. <30' with eyes closed, no problem. Sure you could successfully argue that no character would know that ahead of time, but there you go, that's how you avoid it, if you absolutely want to."

      His solution? Just close your eyes and walk toward it maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan. (Despite there being no way of knowing that looking at the upper-decker will fuck you.) Can you imagine how this guy's games go? DM: There is a strange pulsating shit-tower ahead of you. Jeff: I close my eyes and walk toward it. DM: …

      I can't figure out if these guys are candidates for lobotomies or if the work has already been done. It does encapsulate the mentality of the typical LotFP fan though: if you see a giant Raggi shit, just close your eyes and walk toward it (with your mouth open).

      • Lamentations of Gary Gygax's Ghost permalink
        August 23, 2012 12:37 am

        You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Wow, what a useless fucking… You know what? These fuckers DESERVE to play in Raggi modules. Unfortunately they’re probably inflicting this shit on unsuspecting players that can’t find a decent campaign in their area.

      • Von permalink
        August 25, 2012 9:30 am

        So the way to play it is to meta it to death like shitty Call of Cthulhu players who make all their characters deafblind?

        (Word to the wise: nobody has ever actually tried that. Either my players have a lingering respect for Lovecraft, a lingering respect for me, or a lingering respect for themselves. Hopefully all three, but I’m not optimistic.)

  18. Lamentations of Gary Gygax's Ghost permalink
    August 22, 2012 12:22 pm

    Geoffrey’s useless review…

    Once again says it’s the dog’s bollocks of a module but won’t tell you why as to ‘spoil’ the fucking module. Every Geoffrey Raggi review gloms on and on about the ‘awesomeness’ but doesn’t give any salient details as to the WHY. Apparently he figures characters are bumbling murder hobos that get what they deserve through microscopic Silver Surfers flying into peoples’ eyes and making them into invulnerable serial killers when they sleep. By the way, isn’t it cracking rules a bit that characters can turn into Warren Stacy from 10 to Midnight and run around buck naked killing people with their hands and teeth and never be killed during such a stupid fucking excursion anyways?
    I mean does the 8 hit point fighter get 8,000 hit points when he sleeps so that no man-at-arms with a trusty pole arm can take him down? Or would killing a deranged psychopathic character while he ‘sleeps’ be bad DMing? Wait, wouldn’t turning the character into such in the first place be bad DMing? Course I fought a gold fish in a cosmic toilet bowl so I can never run a game again anyways so should I care?

    To summarize, Geoffrey should just post a video of himself beating his rancid cockmeat over a cover of any module and call the cumshot caught on video a ‘review’ since he tells us it’s GREAT!!!! thumbs up!!! but can’t tell you why so as not to spoil anything.

    Geoffrey certainly likes to use a lot of words to say essentially nothing at all.

    • Timothy permalink
      August 22, 2012 12:45 pm

      Hopefully Geoffy didn’t harm any 11 year olds in summoning that load of elder bullshit.

      I love the excuse that all Faggi’s cohorts are using for the module, that players should avoid unneccessary encounters. Geoffy even quotes Gygax, and says players deserve it if they actually investigate it.

      What happened to “Old School is about Exploration!” Now it is “Avoid everything outside the lines! Just like Gary said!”

      Why write up a fucking module if it is not meant to actually be explored? Does Geoffy (and all LotFappers) even understand how stupid that stance is?

      “Fuck over your players, they are stupid to want to enjoy gaming” is the new normal for the OSRetards.

    • Dumb Frost Doom permalink
      August 22, 2012 1:17 pm

      Note that two of the few “people” who praise this shit either want to be published or are published by Raggi’s shit-show: Poag and Geoffy.

      Apparently LotFP likes to “keep it in the family,” which makes sense given the premise of Death Love Doom.

    • Arneson's Spectre permalink
      August 22, 2012 6:07 pm

      Geoffrey is clearly a mental midget. I’m pretty certain Gary didn’t mean “avoid *everything*…”, which is pretty much what you have to do in the railroad that is Turd Monolith. Geoffrey is just another Asperger with his mouth around Faggi’s cock.

      And Geoffrey can’t tell us anything about the adventure for fear of spoiling it? Really? Well the people who are flushing this turd in their reviews certainly can and have been pretty spot on.

  19. August 22, 2012 6:00 pm


    • Arneson's Spectre permalink
      August 22, 2012 6:15 pm

      You promise Swords, Dragons and Chicks on your blog yet provide none of these things. Where are the Swords, Dragons and Chicks? Regale me with tales of swords, dragons and chicks please. Just try to avoid dust filled room after room suckdungeons, counting fucking hexes on the map and giant corn-laden turds in the middle of the woods and you should be alright.

  20. Ritter permalink
    August 22, 2012 7:18 pm

    Descriptions of this module remind me of the dickwad DMs I encountered way back in high school that drove me from the hobby for decades. So Raggi’s big contribution to the hobby is the idea that you’re supposed to have a god complex and arbitrarily fuck over players? In what fucking universe is that supposed to be enjoyable? Last I checked, people played games for fun. He thinks he’s all edgy because his games will arbitrarily fuck you over and his games have a few pieces of art by Mr. Cannibal Corpse, Vince Locke? Yawn.

    BTW, why are all these “leaders” of the OSR expats anyway?

    • Arneson's Spectre permalink
      August 22, 2012 7:29 pm

      Most were probably into pedophilia and child pornography, judging by the artwork and somatic spell component lists in their suckdungeon products.

  21. Asparagus permalink
    August 22, 2012 8:45 pm

    Ed Dove is fascinating like a car wreck unfolding in super slow motion every time he posts somewhere. He veers between obsequious, humble suck up on dragonsfoot to autistic, Raggi defence terrier on blogs.

    ” I fear to watch, yet I cannot turn away”, M. Van Houten, 1993.

  22. Ritter permalink
    August 22, 2012 10:02 pm

    An amusing review of LOTFP artwork. Enjoy.

  23. Timothy permalink
    August 23, 2012 6:09 am

    God damn, this just keeps getting funnier. I kinda feel bad for that Jack dude, he posts a thourough and thoughtful review, and Raggi’s slavering hordes attack. It is amazing how this “adventure” goes against everything he preached in LotFap, and they argue it is his materpiece.

    R4 is like Thulsa Doom, making a mere motion and his drones jump off a cliff for him. If it goes on much longer, it will be sad, rather than funny.

    • Arneson's Spectre permalink
      August 23, 2012 10:22 am

      No, if Faggi can get his brain dead followers to mass suicide like that it would still be funny.

    • Ritter permalink
      August 23, 2012 7:56 pm

      I just perused the comments on Jack’s blog. I’ve gotta give him credit for remaining civil amongst the ravenous attacking hordes. Raggi’s followers prattle on, making excuses for this piece of shit like a bunch of crazed cultists. Very Lovecraftian indeed. Maybe Raggi is himself Cthulhu…

      “…a fearsome and unnatural malignancy…of a somewhat bloated corpulence…”

  24. The Monolith From Beyond Taste And Reason permalink
    August 23, 2012 2:14 pm

    It seems like all of Jack’s commenters are hung up on this issue of the “light surfers” who turn the characters into sleepwalking killing machines if they so much as look at the monolith. Yes, okay, if one player agrees to sacrifice their character to the monolith, then the other characters can be “cured” of the light surfers.

    IF ONLY the light surfers were the only or worst bad thing about this module. Set one foot in the valley, and there is a good chance that your character will end up walking on all fours, or allergic to sunlight or metal or WATER. Step one foot back out, and there is a good chance that you are transported to a new campaign setting, or to the past, or future, which amounts to the same thing.

    Of course, it’s much more likely that you’ll simply die. You might be killed by crazy weather (again, just for daring to walk into the valley), you might take 1000 feet of falling damage because you chose to climb down a cliff rather than jumping off it, or you could be killed by your interdimensional clone, or a giant fish monster, all without even getting near the monolith. Indeed, since one of the random valley size options is measured in astronomical units, there’s a decent chance each time you enter the valley that you will literally never get near the monolith, but the valley itself will probably kill you.

    (There’s also a fair chance of boredom. Quite a few of the possible encounters here are with phenomena that prevent you from doing anything or even MOVING until the next encounter gets rolled up. How much real-world time do you want to spend playing out the following? Player: “We try to …”, DM: “Nope.”, Player: “Okay, then we…”, DM: “Nope.”, Player: “We…”, DM: “Nope. No you don’t.”)

    There is no treasure worth finding inside the valley, and no goal worth accomplishing. There’s no way to avoid any of the dangers of the valley or the monolith by playing intelligently or by being lucky. If you were, very improbably, to survive everything, and end up with a character you still want to play, who hasn’t been reduced to animal intelligence, crippled, or otherwise rendered unfit for adventuring, AND the only problem left is that you have the “light surfer” sleepwalking disease, THEN yes, then and only then, the solution to the problem is to have one character commit suicide. But frankly, getting to a point where your ONLY problem is what to do about being turned into a sleepwalking murder machine requires either the DM to refuse to inflict most of the modules’ completely unavoidable punishments on you, or the absolutely most improbable set of dice rolls in the history of gaming to allow you to not encounter anything before you get to the monolith and to not suffer any game-ending consequences for daring to walk back out of the valley.

    The “light surfers” encounter and its solution are both total railroad shit, but they are possibly the least bad thing about the module, which I guess might be why they’re the thing the pro-monolith camp is most intent on defending.

    • Dad permalink
      August 24, 2012 6:36 am

      This is the most accurate review I’ve seen. It’s a boring module. Performance art rather than game.

      • I run with scissors permalink
        August 24, 2012 8:02 pm

        I can sum it up simply: the giant turd note cover matches the giant turd inside

  25. Captain Kirk's Dick Blood permalink
    August 23, 2012 4:03 pm

    Let me ask this, and it’s not any kind of defense of Turd. Would this be an interesting adventure to run if, at the end of the night and all is said and done, you said “ha ha – no worries. Your adventurers actually wake up on the tavern floor, and it’s the morning after the party where you celebrated finding a chamber that was worth two shits to explore in Dwimmermount. Turns out that the wine you drank last night was spiked by that ugly, fat, greasy haired nerd who was sitting next to your table. This whole adventure was in your minds!”

    In other words, if you went with it as that overused, weak-ass “Wizard of Oz Bobby on Dallas never died and is in the fucking shower jacking off was all a goddamn dream” trope, could that make it well recieved by players? Could it be fun enough on it’s own if it turns out it didn’t really happen and there were no consequences?

    • August 24, 2012 6:44 am

      I’ve gone down that road back some 25 years ago when I thought it a good idea to both railroad and improvise. I don’t think it wise to play with the players in such a manner. It weakens the DM’s credibility. Weakens the suspension of disbelief by revealing rail road tracks behind the curtain. If everyone is onboard for that style of play (rail road), then I think its fine. But there should still be some aspect that makes it a ‘role playing’ game and not an exercise in only role playing. And I would still avoid the Dallas or style reboot even if playing conductor on the train. Things that happen in the game should count for something.

    • Roger Moret permalink
      August 24, 2012 12:40 pm

      I think Rags has written a great convention 1-shot. Let the snotty players bring any character they want to the table, from 1st lvl to 100, and then proceed to beat the shit out of them with Rags Railroad. Lot of con fun from doing it this way. The annoyance from me is the constant defense of this as some sort of “legitimate” adventure, as if this beast was playable in any meaningful way. It’s a one-off fun time, the DM gets to inflict all sorts of mayhem on the players, everyone has a laugh and goes to the bar after to compare how badly their character got shafted. That’s the only way this really works

      • Von permalink
        August 25, 2012 9:33 am

        Fair enough, but as “shaft everyone” one-shots go, Paranoia’s more fun than “no you may not do anything until I have rolled on this random chart”, surely?

  26. Arneson's Spectre permalink
    August 23, 2012 4:56 pm

    The phrase Polishing a Turd comes to mind…

  27. August 23, 2012 8:15 pm


  28. Nigrafrican permalink
    August 24, 2012 7:17 am

    • Lamentations of Gary Gygax's Ghost permalink
      August 24, 2012 7:06 pm

      Well, at least Ed Dove admits on Heropress review that he hasn’t read the module he’s so valiantly defending too deeply. Probably still blinded by Raggi giving a limp cumshot in his eyes for so rabidly defending such a massively shitty module.

  29. I run with scissors permalink
    August 24, 2012 8:00 pm

    Anyone paying attention to the Dwimmermount growing disgruntlement? Seems like Grogturd really is not doing any work. Grogturd uses “sick family” as an excuse so many times I think he’s out of family. Still what do you expect from someone who cannot even support the mind numbing Thousnd Suns?

    • Asparagus permalink
      August 25, 2012 12:34 am

      Where is this disgruntlement taking place ? I’d like to read it.

      • I run with scissors permalink
        August 25, 2012 4:23 am

        It’s in the backer’s only update. Here you go:

        Richard Barton 5 days ago
        I have to say that I am more than a little bit alarmed by these updates. It appears to me that hardly any of Dwimmermount was written, nay, even *conceived*, before the Kickstarter went live. And that speaks to issues beyond the entirely reasonable problems with JM’s family’s health. The skeletal keys from JM’s notes also do not inspire confidence that he will be able to produce a viable product in anything like the time frame suggested by Kickstarter. I have spoken to another subscriber and he used the words “Bait and Switch”. I am starting to wonder if that isn’t pretty accurate.

        Creator Autarch 5 days ago
        Richard, I appreciate your concerns; thanks for the chance to address them. Kickstarter can be used to do a lot of different things. One of them is to take a manuscript that has already been written and fund just the steps that go into publishing it, like illustration, layout, and printing. At Autarch we haven’t taken that approach with our in-house projects because we’ve found that doing design and development on a project after its Kickstarter launches allows it to be shaped by feedback and contributions from backers. Our experience with ACKS and the Player’s Companion, and having been patrons on Open Design projects which pioneered this approach, suggested that supporters enjoy being involved in this process and that a product that isn’t finalized before fans get involved winds up being better than it would have been without their input during formative stages. So we didn’t require that James show us a complete draft when we started talking about helping him crowdfund Dwimmermount. Our confidence was based on the fleshed-out draft and polished cartography for the first level, James’ track record as a RPG professional, and – most importantly – the session summaries from Grognardia showing that the dungeon had seen extensive use in actual play. Playtesting is one of the most time-intensive aspects of a RPG project, so much so that many if not most development efforts skip it altogether. As a fan and having been a freelancer I have no doubt that I’d rather see gaming products that originated at the table, coming alive in the minds of all involved and making a more vivid and player-focused impression in the designer’s mind, rather than those that exist first and foremost as ready-to-print chunks of text.
        When putting together the Kickstarter project page, I emphasized the opportunity to watch Dwimmermount take shape. I meant this to signal that the Kickstarter funds would be used to support James’ time and effort in the ongoing work to convert notes and memory into a form usable by other gamemasters, not just the expenses of publication. From your comment I see that I should have been more explicit about this. It’s a lesson learned for next time, and I regret that I can’t do more than apologize for now.
        I do think that a problem with the project from the start was an over-ambitious release date. We accepted James’ assurance that he could turn notes into text at a rate that would meet that schedule, and under normal circumstances that might have been true. However project planning needs to take into account the possibility of the unexpected, and I wish we had allowed for more of a hedge against things going wrong. Here in addition to my apologies I can offer the guarantee that I’m actively working to establish and maintain a more realistic schedule for completion.
        I welcome further discussion in the comments and will continue to address the issues you’ve raised in these updates. However, if you or anyone wants to communicate about this privately as well I encourage you to email me at, call +1 (917) 749-6938, or suggest a time we could talk via Skype.

        Richard Barton 5 days ago
        Thanks for the long reply, Tavis. I won’t say that it assuaged my worries, but I appreciate the care and concern which it evidences. I do think that the initial pitch did not convey the level of incompleteness that seems to define Dwimmermount, but perhaps most of the supporters won’t mind a slightly longer wait. I’ll take any further concerns to email.

  30. Asparagus permalink
    August 25, 2012 7:24 am

    Interesting. So sick he has to stop working and go to gen con. I predict ill defined “personal matters” he will imply you are rude for even inquiring about will drag this out for another year at least before backers get their dusty rooms & centipedes in a dungeon.

    • I run with scissors permalink
      August 25, 2012 7:27 am

      Grogturd has no work ethic. That is one of the reasons he stopped freelancing. All you have to do is ask around.

      • August 25, 2012 9:08 am

        It take allot of time to summarize 30 year old Dragon magazine articles.

  31. August 25, 2012 9:10 am

    Or perhaps he’s working on a random dungeon generator or a random creature….
    or rather copying and pasting the text from the back of the DMG.

    Hey how about we crowd fund a statue to J MAL in honor of he being the neo Gygax?

    • I run with scissors permalink
      August 26, 2012 12:05 pm

      As long as the statue is a pedo pumpkin

  32. Captain Kirk's Dick Blood permalink
    August 27, 2012 3:33 pm

    The backers will, at best, be getting a rushed project. And you know what? The idiots deserve it for putting faith in yet another OSR huckster. Still feeling like you are part of something big, dopes?

    • I run with scissors permalink
      August 28, 2012 8:27 am

      I run with scissors thinks it could be worse. They could have ordered one of John Adam’s cut and paste pieces and have to wait it out for two years, while John Adams has to “deal with life.” I run with scissors still thinks John Adams should go fuck himself.

  33. Timothy permalink
    August 28, 2012 7:23 am

    Hah, hah! I guess JimmieMal is too busy to sit down one evening with the Dungeon Level Encounter tables from the DMG to fill out those dusty rooms.

    Funny too that Tavis is saying explicitly that some of the money raised would be a salary for JM. That was not communicated to the backers well at all, or evidently to the Pope, who thought he could skate with all this free money.

    • I run with scissors permalink
      August 28, 2012 8:29 am

      See that is the think with all of these OSR fuckwits. They think the whole world owes them a living, and they act all surprise when people demand a product that they have paid for. I mean, for fuck sake, we should be only more than happy to fund these “creative” cut and paste scam artists circle jerk of dick measuring.

  34. Chainsaw permalink
    August 29, 2012 9:02 am

    Hmmm.. at least he still has time to write his WotC column.

  35. I run with scissors permalink
    August 30, 2012 6:57 pm

    Oh oh some feels guilty for bang mad. This has steaming turd written all over:

    Richard Barton about 12 hours ago
    I’ve been thinking a bit more after expressing some disquiet in the comments to update #21. I’ve got plenty of gaming stuff at hand, and don’t need to have a rushed Dwimmermount. I think my previous comment came out as something of a whine about not meeting the deadline of the original kickstarter. That missed deadline actually doesn’t bother me that much (although I know it does bother others); I think lessons will be learned on all sides (author, publisher, backers) about the reality concerning the difficulty of churning out an only partly-conceived project on a tight deadline (including, of course, issues that one can’t plan, like family emergencies). So, I’m not worried about the deadline being extended. In fact, I sort of expect that with most rpg products.
    What I do care a bit more about is the quality of the product, and my sense that it has been thought through as an organic whole – this means taking time to produce a first draft of the ms, and then go back and solidify links between levels, whether they are literal links (staircases, etc) or gameplay oriented ones (the key to area 8-23 is found in 4-13, and for this reason) or, perhaps most significantly, conceptual ones (what is the link between level 8 and level 4, if any? can I seed some flavor or fluff in an earlier level that either foreshadows stuff at a lower one, or helps make explicable the whole?). These kinds of things cannot be done adequately, IMO, if an author is rushing to churn out level after level. Now, it’s true that I don’t actually know how much JM has thought through the lower levels, but my sense from Grognardia and from the ‘notes’ we’ve seen in the kickstarter, that the answer is ‘not much’. If that is true, then I would be willing to forbear on seeing the final product to ensure that some of that interconnectivity (and perhaps some playtesting) can be accomplished. After all, what I want most out of this project is an organic, intellectually exciting, and, well, ‘cool’ megadungeon, in which the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. I will be disappointed, if it ends up as levels that bear only a slight connection to each other. I realize that’s only one fan’s vision, but I’m going to lay it out here anyway. So, keep on writing, JM. Take the time to make it a superior product.

    • Ritter permalink
      August 30, 2012 7:54 pm

      Weak! Weak!!! The gripes were perfectly legitimate, though not at all surprising if Petty Gods is any indication. Let the buyer beware, I say. It’s not like he hasn’t over promised and under delivered before.

      Why kiss ass? I really don’t understand the Cult of Non-personality that pervades the OSR. The tide will turn now and Jimmy will find that his endless adulation that he’s garnered for reviewing games he never played, reminiscing about a time period in the hobby that he never participated in and reviewing 30 year old magazine articles will fade quickly now that he’s actually expected to produce something original that people have, you know, paid for.

      On the other hand, a fool and his money are soon parted. Apparently a lot of our fellow gamers are fools who really like buying snake oil.

      • I run with scissors permalink
        August 31, 2012 2:43 pm

        Here we go another update. I think someone is not happy I am posting this:

        Wandering Monster Tables and Level 5 Map
        Update #23 – For backers only · Aug. 31, 2012 · comment
        If you’ll forgive a hasty and late-in-the-day update, the news is that we remain on track with our internal scheduling. James has detailed the wandering monster tables for all levels on which they appear (the hidden bonus level is the exception), and Tim Hartin has completed the cartography for Level 5. You can now download these using either of the standard routes:

        1) Fill out the form at, using your Kickstarter handle and the password: Thuli4n. Within a few minutes, you’ll be sent an email with download links for all the Dwimmermount drafts to date. Click the name of the level you want to download, or right-click and “save as” to put it in a specific location.

        2) Visit the main download page at If you are logged into an Autarch account that has been set for Dwimmermount access, you’ll see all the Dwimmermount files available for download. If you’ve just registered for an Autarch account, it can take up to a day or so for us to confirm that you are a Kickstarter backer – we have to do this step manually because KS is a closed system. When registering for an account, be sure to enter your Kickstarter username accurately, as this is what allows us to confirm that you should have access.

        The next deadlines will be:

        Week of 9/5: Draft of level 5; chart showing when project milestones to date have been met & the estimate for completion of the entire project
        Week of 9/12: Level 4 playtested

        Finally, as always, if you have concerns about the project you’d like to address privately, I encourage you to contact me at, or +1 (917) 749-6938, or by suggesting a time for a Skype call. Please consider this as an option in addition to, rather than instead of, posting comments within the Kickstarter system. It’s extremely valuable for us to hear what’s on your mind and the feedback is always appreciated.

      • August 31, 2012 10:10 pm

        How can they “remain on track with [their] internal scheduling” if PDFs were supposed to be done, laid out and distributed in June? Was this explained in an update?

    • Cameron permalink
      August 31, 2012 7:41 pm

      Quote: “What I do care a bit more about is the quality of the product, and my sense that it has been thought through as an organic whole – this means taking time to produce a first draft of the ms, and then go back and solidify links between levels, whether they are literal links (staircases, etc) or gameplay oriented ones (the key to area 8-23 is found in 4-13, and for this reason) or, perhaps most significantly, conceptual ones (what is the link between level 8 and level 4, if any? can I seed some flavor or fluff in an earlier level that either foreshadows stuff at a lower one, or helps make explicable the whole?). These kinds of things cannot be done adequately, IMO, if an author is rushing to churn out level after level. Now, it’s true that I don’t actually know how much JM has thought through the lower levels, but my sense from Grognardia and from the ‘notes’ we’ve seen in the kickstarter, that the answer is ‘not much’. If that is true, then I would be willing to forbear on seeing the final product to ensure that some of that interconnectivity (and perhaps some playtesting) can be accomplished. After all, what I want most out of this project is an organic, intellectually exciting, and, well, ‘cool’ megadungeon, in which the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. I will be disappointed, if it ends up as levels that bear only a slight connection to each other. I realize that’s only one fan’s vision, but I’m going to lay it out here anyway. So, keep on writing, JM. Take the time to make it a superior product.”

      Oh, my goodness. If I ever have to find another job, I hope I get you for a boss. I can keep promising results and I’ll never have to actually do anything except make excuses.

      Here’s the problem: James promised a product he clearly couldn’t deliver on time.

      Perhaps he was hoping his project wouldn’t fund and he just threw in to keep himself somehow relevant.

      Whatever the case, it’s one thing to announce one’s own “free” blog project and eventually flake on it, but James’ commitment involves other people giving him money and they have the perfect right to expect the promised product that their money is at least theoretically supporting.

      • I run with scissors permalink
        September 1, 2012 4:20 am

        He’s flaked out before, and that is one reason he stopped freelancing. You piss off publishers and not deliver the expected results when promised, you will not get work. Even in the back assward game industry. Hell, I wanted to like Thousand Suns, but he never did anything for it. Even the much promised Revised edition took forever to come out. So much time, he did not release it with the original company he co-founded. Where the fuck is Petty Gods, BTW?

        That is another fucking joke. He makes this big announcement gets a shit ton of free content, and then nothing.

        Remember his Megadungeon project? ( He gets sand in his vagina because Cook is doing his Dungeon A Day bullshit, and then makes this big announcement that he is going to do Megadungeon, and keep it “free.” Came, flurry of activity, and then poof gone. You cannot even find it online anymore.

        That’s the thing, this OSR tards it is fucking easy to write a press release, but it is fucking hard to create.

  36. Captain Kirk's Dick Blood permalink
    August 31, 2012 10:38 am

    L’il Jimmy would have happily made and playtested lower dungeon levels. The problem was, as seemed very often to be pointed out during his many posts during his gaming group period, his group wasn’t all that interested in the game. We all have socialized at a session, but it doesn’t seem that JM runs a very gripping game. Lots of wandering off to look at the bookshelves and whatever shit programming they have on TV in Canada. This could in part explain the behavior of farty old Ken St. A. He was in James’ OSTardCon game and said “fuck this boring ass shit” and decided to run an apeshit PC to spice things up. We could be looking at that guy wrong. Maybe he’s actually a hero for fucking up Little Jimmy’s session.

    Anyway, James never needed to run lower levels so he never designed them. For his faggy Google + games he just kept running the same lame ass baby spiders, kobolds, and pools in empty rooms that do nothing levels.

    As for Mr. Boo Hoo who paid good money to enrich Jamals life and family and is all confused and discombobulated over wanting dungeon consistancy? CREATE YOUR OWN DUNGEON, FUCKTARD!!! The goddamn game was designed for that. Paying some fey little milksop from Baltimore who fancies himself the reborn Gygax good, hard earned money for something that didn’t exist, and you don’t really need, was all we really need to know about you. Fucking Loser.

    • Ritter permalink
      August 31, 2012 5:18 pm

      There are times when I think gaming allows the uncreative dimwits of the world to delude themselves into believing that they’re creative. “Look at me. I made this dungeon! I is creatives.” News flash: Drawing lines on graph paper and rolling on a random table is not creativity. Make your own shit.

      Back in the day when I used to read Grognardia, those Dwimmermount session reports were a fucking bore. I was shocked when I saw how much money it raised. Maybe it’s found it’s target audience – a product by dullards, for dullards. Not that it will ever be released. Just sayin’

  37. I run with scissors permalink
    September 1, 2012 10:01 am

    @Schizonomicon your caught that bit too? Yeah, they are on schedule, a schedule of do nothing. I mean, James has a sick relative excuse ready, or some WotC article to write, or fuck, have to get his head surgically removed from his anus, and this “schedule” will have to change again.

    Fuck we can help him write this piece of shit:

    Room 114a — Dusty
    Room 115 — Dust, and a used condom
    Room 116 — Dust
    Room 117 — Dust, and some mouse tracks in the dust
    Room 118 — Dust, trap in the middle. First one in the room gets hit in the face with a used condom

    There you go, some rooms for you to use.

    • September 1, 2012 10:56 am

      What this sounds like is…OPEN SOURCING a CLONE in order to make sure new players have access to all those empty rooms and our hobby can keep growing.

      Of course we can’t call it anything trademarked but unless the fat cats bow to our will and get the actual dungeon back in print, it’s like we’re the HEROES.

      • I run with scissors permalink
        September 1, 2012 11:06 am

        Fuck yeah, because as we all know what attracts new people to this hobby, is dust filled rooms. Oh, and fucking box sets. And color. And modern presentation. But you cannot charge more than $40 bucks for it.

      • September 1, 2012 11:30 am

        Let a thousand lulu retrodwimmers mount! Most creative interpretation of the original serial numbers on the material wins…the HOBBY demands it!

        Maybe those suits at Autarch will listen then and stop spending all their money buying up independent news & review sites like this one!

      • I run with scissors permalink
        September 1, 2012 11:41 am

        I got to say doing a version of Dwimmerdust with the numbers filed off really cracks me up.

      • September 1, 2012 11:49 am

        The Neo-Gygaxian REVOLUTION will not be TELEVISED!

        I’ll do one. Spot the old-school reference!

        6-12. Chamber of USED CONDOMS.
        Through the dust there are USED CONDOMS here which float about in the corridors and rooms of the dungeons. The slightest touch will explode them, causing from 1 to 10 dice damage depending on the level they are on. These CONDOMS might (1 in 6) contain a gem.

  38. I run with scissors permalink
    September 1, 2012 5:55 pm

    6-69 — The Chamber of Used Porn Stars. This star shapped room is only entered via the hole in the ceiling which lies directly above a pedestal whith a tubular pink statue. The walls of the chamber is overed with frescos of various hag faced Trollopes in various states of undress. Seeing the frescoes a character must save vs magic with failure having them loose any desire to have sex for a number of days equal to Con.

    The statue upon closer examination is phallic in shape and is made from a almost flesh like substance. Removing the statue triggers a trap and the floor gives way dropping the unlucky character into the Pit of Unsexed Osers. The pit is populated by 15 STD Trollopes as well as their unlucky last victim a bespectacled man wearing a pumpkin head.

    • September 1, 2012 7:19 pm

      You know, I’d buy this. Geoffrey’s still soliciting modules….

      • I run with scissors permalink
        September 1, 2012 7:35 pm

        I might have to come up with a fully fleshed out parody. Already in 1 hour I’ve written more than Grogturd.

      • September 1, 2012 7:43 pm

        That’s what I been SAYING.

      • I run with scissors permalink
        September 1, 2012 8:41 pm

        Hell with our work ethic we could Coe up with a alf baked idea and get rich. Fuck I’m sure I could write summaries of old copies of Cosmopoliton and pine away over te death of Helen Gurley Brown.

  39. Asparagus permalink
    September 2, 2012 12:29 am

    Thousand Suns… Petty Gods… His proboards Dwimmermount PbP he abandoned without so much as a goodbye or explanation (to this day)… Now the Dwimmermount kickstarter.

    Jmalware is all noise, no creativity. Too busy pursing his lips at bastardy in fictional society & beer at the gaming table.

    Hope he is the first OSR charlatan to get his ass sued.

    • I run with scissors permalink
      September 2, 2012 4:16 am

      I wonder if he even feels guilty about this. Nah he’s like Raggi. A scam artist

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: