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Fuck you and fuck your shitty community project

June 1, 2012

Community projects are built of douche. ZakAttack pulls his cheeks apart and sprays these things out like day 3 of a heroin kick, and the lowest rung of forum dwellers clamor at the opportunity to share a little bit of what makes them special by spamming shitty rooms and retarded traps. Community projects turn everyone into a Russian novelist, because you can only shine one room at a time so you better make it good and long and needlessly complicated.

Here’s a particularly egregious example of the phenomenon. 200 ft. x 200 ft. and it has no less than 43 keyed locations. 40-fucking-3!!! Maybe Kent can help out with the math, but I think that computes to 16 encounters per square fucking foot. Looking good in here, ladies! 7 descriptions in and they’re closing in on 1100 words. I think about 900 of those words are adjectives, every door gets about a goddamn paragraph. Even the iron spikes in the doors have backstories… Garrison James, why do we need to roll the number of spikes?!?!? Might as well box it and set it in a 15% shade so you can read that shit out loud to your players in your best 6th-grade headgear-and-retainer lisp.

Nobody wants to watch you dickbags preen with your fatassed descriptions of water barrels. Yes you own a thesaurus, congratulations, now go shove it back up your butthole.

22 Comments leave one →
  1. pixie whistlebritches permalink
    June 1, 2012 2:22 pm

    This is for room #6a
    Sitting in the center of this room is an enormous troll, reeking of shit and axe body spray. He is naked and sitting upon his enormous, warty nut sack. His cock is stretched out 15 feet in front of him like a baby purple worm larva. Balanced on top of his cock is an old Dell laptop from the 1992 line of computers designed to serve college students needs for porn and hookups on craigslist, but with a price two divorced parents can afford. The computer is functional and currently turned on. The troll is typing away, cackling at his own jokes and punctuates each chuckle with fits of farting. Any time the troll farts (4 in 6 chance every 10 seconds) each PC in the room must make a saving throw vs. poison to survive.
    The PCs will recognize the computer for what it is, without fail. There is no saving throw for the PCs to make that will protect them from the knowledge that they are controlled by a bunch of stinky asshole gamers sitting around a table telling stories of fantasy and rolling dice like a bunch of pre-school children. When the PCs leave the room, they will be CURSED with ennui with the full knowledge that they have no control over their actions and they are likely to die without ever truly living. If any player has read The Kolbold Wizard’s Dildo of Enlightenment +2, they will immediately recognize this plot hook as a direct ripoff of that story. They will be subject to suicidal thoughts because they actually realize that they really are wasting their time in masturbating their sad little ego.
    It is impossible to hurt the troll, with any weapon or spell. He is completely lost in his own world of cruelty, gleefully trolling the internet and writing biting sarcasm and criticism in the comments sections of bulletin boards, YouTube, OSR forums and email to families who have recently lost a loved one to cancer whether the butt of his jokes deserve it or not. For the record, they deserve it. Even if they stab is balls with a flaming pitchfork or pour acid in his eyes, he will be unfazed as he is completely unable to be hurt.
    Trying to speak to the troll only makes him mad because the interruption takes him away from his fun. He will lash out with the usual claw/bite/claw attacks but instead of doing damage with any hit, the PC taking the hit must make a saving roll vs. instant death. Any PC who fails the roll is immediately killed, their body disintegrates and their soul destroyed. The character may not be resurrected or even wished back into being. The player in charge of a PC meeting this fate MUST tear up his character sheet and flush it down the nearest toilet. Since most gamers don’t know how to use a toilet they should throw the torn up sheet in the nearest storm drain. The player must then go home and sell all his gaming materials and get a life.
    The troll only attacks as long as the PCs continue to speak to him or fight him. If they stop, he will too. The best course of action is for the PCs to leave the room quietly but even then they will be cursed. They will be doomed to hear the troll’s incessant laughter in their minds. This will cause total madness and suicide in 1d6 days.

  2. June 2, 2012 1:25 am

    “7 descriptions in and they’re closing in on 1100 words. I think about 900 of those words are adjectives, every door gets about a goddamn paragraph.”

    What did they do, invoke the spirit of Robert Jordan and channel it through the mind of Monte Cook?

    *pops off for a read*

    • June 2, 2012 1:49 am

      All right, I’ve given it a (serious) go. Lead by example, and all that. Less with the logorrhea, I hope.

  3. Timothy permalink
    June 4, 2012 9:42 am

    Kudos to that guy for laughing about YDIS’ attention. He included pixie’s post above and gave a shout out to all of us ladies. How sweet!

    Maybe we should finish out the dungeon and make YDIS the boss at the end.

  4. pixie whistlebritches permalink
    June 4, 2012 9:43 am

    I already made him the boss, he’s the troll in 6a if it isn’t immediately obvious

    • Timothy permalink
      June 4, 2012 11:14 am

      Well, you mentioned a large penis, so no, it was not immediately obvious. Instead of 15 feet, you should have said 15 mm and everyone would know who it is.

      • June 7, 2012 7:51 am

        Careful, you are going to make AncientGamer drool over having that in his mouth and ass. He was ramming me when I was trying to copy Gary’s books to make Mazes and Perils.

  5. pixie whistlebritches permalink
    June 4, 2012 12:19 pm

    a 15 foot cock is every bit as useless as a 15mm cock.

    • June 4, 2012 1:19 pm

      For balancing “an old Dell laptop,” it isn’t. Also, you could use it to check for traps.

      • Radovarl permalink
        June 4, 2012 4:17 pm

        Ouch.

  6. kent permalink
    June 4, 2012 4:44 pm

    Ive just been watching the Howard Hawks’ 1941 flick Ball of Fire – good movie. Gary Cooper – an implausibly hunky professor slumming it as an encyclopedist – gets hung up on his stuffy entry on slang and … ta da la da la … ends up with the outrageously fuckable Barbara Stanwyck kipping with him and his ancient professor cronies.

    Anyway it struck me that ydis is a repository for second-rate slang, that is white guy written-word jive, and anyone making a study of the language of cool as written by half-heartedly educated immature white guys could do worse than scrutinising ydis. Black guy gibberish is obviously the last word in slang of the first water. As a young lad growing up very fond of women’s asses I have always been grateful to dumb black guys for their rich and evolving argot with its musical representation of wide hipped buttocks.

    • Timothy permalink
      June 4, 2012 5:51 pm

      Fucking honkies are all the same.

  7. kent permalink
    June 4, 2012 6:36 pm

    I’ll fight anyone who doesn’t love black booty.

  8. kent permalink
    June 5, 2012 7:45 pm

    Kinda dull around here lately.

    • Radovarl permalink
      June 5, 2012 8:42 pm

      Sorry, couldn’t find anything to disagree with in your latest pronouncements. I like black booty too, and women’s asses in general. Don’t worry, it’s just the seasonal doldrums. I’m sure trolling targets will proliferate come GenCon.

    • kent permalink
      June 5, 2012 9:31 pm

      We have to lure the straight-laced dweebs here again and then make them really angry – those are the best laffs.

      Also something needs to be done about the twin cunts zak s and j mal – the tiny fake punk sketcher and the religious huckster and mentalist. On what fucking planet could two such costume personalities be considered pals but not unprincipled con artists? Plan€t L$$kAtM€€€€. Since when did tiny fake punk sketchers and religious huckster mentalists get along?

      • Trefoil Arch permalink
        June 6, 2012 10:46 am

        At least Vornheim was cool, and he doesn’t ask for money. I think Zak’s whole insecurity stems from the fact that his art is usually indecipherable overdrawn shit. James is a man who has literally stated that he is against originality. Everything he posts about his past reveals a man who never questions his assumptions. Moreover he is prejudiced against bastards, which is an opinion I have never actually heard expressed by a goddamn actual person in my life. Is he also against miscegenation?
        Zak posts douchey essays with a 50/50 chance of being interesting, and has made a decent amount of really good material, while James is the most popular blogger despite never making a damn thing. I do think Zak is a legitimate narcissist, but he is a thousand times better than James.

      • kent permalink
        June 7, 2012 9:38 am

        See that’s an interesting view, diminished because you didn’t use a forum/blog handle. I assume everyone posting here has a blog/forum handle.

      • Timothy permalink
        June 7, 2012 10:59 am

        As usual, Kent, your enthusiasm for assumptions and pronouncements is matched only by your general inaccuracy.

  9. kent permalink
    June 7, 2012 2:10 pm

    I find it hard to understand why (or believe that) someone would only post here.

  10. mwschmeer permalink
    June 17, 2012 6:28 pm

    Hey Ladies:

    The community project you have mocked is now complete. Come on over and check it out:

    http://rendedpress.blogspot.com/2012/05/community-project-trouble-with.html

  11. mwschmeer permalink
    June 26, 2012 10:47 am

    Hey nutsacks;

    We’re doing it again. Come on by and whistle:

    http://rendedpress.blogspot.com/2012/06/community-project-2-young-green-dragon.html

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