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To the 441+ suckers who have bought into Dwimmermount

March 16, 2012

Listen you shitheads first off I hope you all die of the adult equivalent of crib death, especially you 2 unfathomable pissdrinkers who signed up at the $250 level for a cartoon drawing of your adventuring group poking a wall with a 10′ pole with perplexed expressions on their faces and a word balloon that says “That’s 14 empty rooms in a row, ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?!?!?!” Congratulations, you are all just as stupid as the rest of the nimrods in this country that have kept Two and a Half Mongoloids on television for 10 years or made Twinklight into a multi-billion dollar industry. You a-holes threw 20-fuckin’-K at Dwimmermount, but no one wants to pay 5 cents more in taxes for health care so unemployed vets can see a doctor about the mantitty cancer they caught from sniffing depleted uranium munitions? Fuck you, please perish with your head caught in the slats of your Graco drop-side and a torrent of panic poop puddled on your plastic Cars 2 ‘Mater sheets.

Anyhoo, I tried to warn you about what you are wasting your money on but you don’t want to fucking listen (yup I linked to myself, fine I like dicks in my butt, whatever). I was really trying to be a nice guy and let you know up front how talentless Maliszewski is and help you not waste your money, but I guess you don’t fucking care or don’t believe me or hate money or whatever.

Don’t just take my word for it that JaMal cranks out turds… listen to this guy say the same thing. ‘The Ruined Monastery’ has all the hallmarks of classic Maliszewski-ana: boring locations, insipid encounters, flabby prose. Need more proof? Get a whiff of Dwimmermount firsthand, from the PbP he ran a couple years ago. Go ahead, explore, tell me if you like what you find in there. Ooooh spiders hiding in webs in the ceiling, that’s original! Kobolds, awesome. Magic water that doesn’t do anything. Skeletons. Doors that don’t open. And empty room after empty room. Best part: JaMal pulled a “I’m going to the liquor store to get some smokes, I’ll be back in 5 minutes” and abandoned his two PbP games without a word of explanation or apology. Now that’s customer service!

So that’s what you Dwimmermount dumblenuts bought, that’s what you’re getting for your money. Enjoy!

31 Comments leave one →
  1. JRT permalink
    March 16, 2012 8:21 pm

    I shall offer the Conservative’s opinion as a counterpoint:

    USE THE MONEY YOU WASTE ON DIMMERDOUCHE AND OTHER OSR TURDS TO BUY YOUR OWN FUCKING HEALTHCARE AND FOOD STAMPS YOU SOCIALIST LIBERAL SCUM!

    Other than that +1 on what YDIS said.

  2. March 17, 2012 12:03 am

    Hahahaha.
    “So the question is, what scene from the Dwimmermount PbB (either group) is most vividly encapsulates your experience within its halls? ”

    Followed by tumbleweeds & *crickets* from all the posters who have actually played Dwimmercunt.

    • Scott permalink
      March 17, 2012 2:39 pm

      “The scene where we sat around for two months wondering why the DM stopped posting.”

  3. Civilectomy permalink
    March 17, 2012 4:49 am

    I can’t shake the idea that James Mal. is establishing a cult.

    Grognardia blog post:
    “I, James M. have just seen Conan the Barbarian again. I really like Thulsa Doom the character James Earl Jones plays. Will one of my followers kill themselves and credit me on their blog or in a suicide note. Oh and before you kill yourself could you buy me lots of stuff on my amazon wishlist.

  4. Timothy permalink
    March 17, 2012 7:06 am

    I certainly hope those play-by-post campaigns are going to the Texas A&M janitor’s closet with the rest of the Dumbershit “notes.” Jimmie Mal’s unparralleled mundanity and intensive respect for his players needs to be preserved for all time.

  5. Reid permalink
    March 17, 2012 6:09 pm

    Now you can fight centipedes and dust, and explore empty chambers just like the pros! The hours will just fly by as you worry over what non-magical pools are capable of or why the doors won’t open! Hide from baby spiders with Zak (famous among geeks for porking a 3rd string porn girl on camera) and his retardedly named character “Pigfeet.” Have your dwarf PC stare in shock as he learns he has no dick to fuck with, and has to build a child with his own grubby paws.

    You too can be an OSR geektard! Drink the Khool Aid, kiddies! See you in the new Castle Greyhawk – Dwimmermount!

    • March 19, 2012 11:09 am

      The dwarf thing was pretty funny, and so true. They reproduce asexually in Dwimmermount, right? Carving another dwarf out of stone is a great replacement for sex, eh?

  6. CFstar permalink
    March 17, 2012 9:19 pm

    Wow! Some of you sound bitter. Go make your own mega-dungeon, publish it and *YOU* can donate the proceeds to healthcare for veterans.

    • Timothy permalink
      March 18, 2012 7:19 am

      Some of us give to veterans anyway, bitch. Now run back crying to Jimmie Mal.

      • Andrew permalink
        March 20, 2012 1:14 pm

        “create your own_mega-dungeon” Sure! (opens AD&D DM’s guide, flips to random dungeon generation tables, starts rolling dice) Voila! Now, can I charge money for this?

  7. JRT permalink
    March 18, 2012 8:22 am

    Well personally I’m glad the OSR Turdosphere got suckered out of $50,000 so easily, and so should all of you. Like I said before, it’s good to know I can always just wipe my ass after a particularly nasty dump with a piece of graph paper, call it the Module #2: Fecal Caverns of the Orc-Shitter Tribe, and sucker the OSR out of a quick $1,000 with a Kickstarter if I ever need the cash.

  8. March 18, 2012 8:59 am

    I did notice about 6 other kickstarters flying up/announced over the last week. All no doubt will be received with the typical rave reviews, If reviews (all desperate for more linkbacks & glad-handing reviews of their own) are to be believed, has the OSR EVER put out a poor or even middling product yet?

  9. March 18, 2012 1:31 pm

    Question – have checks been sent and credit card numbers given, or are these pledges actually what a pledge is, a promise to send money later (sorry, I don’t really feel like looking at the Kickstarter site)? Because it would be a hoot if D-Day comes and they only get 4 grand or something.

    The Kickstarter thing is a good idea, but it’s a shame that a cult of personality (with no personality) causes something to be successful without it having to be good or ground breaking or whatever.

  10. March 18, 2012 1:38 pm

    The Los Angeles Dungeons and Dragons Meetup Group

    Los Angeles, CA
    426 Members

    A place for Table top Gamers to get together and let one another know of games around Los Angeles.

    Check out this Meetup Group →

    Not 100% sure, but I get the impression they are filming a gang bang video aimed at D&D geeks on the Queen Mary. Booze provided, but you have to help pay for the room. Bring your towels and hand sanitizers, guys!

    • JRT permalink
      March 18, 2012 4:57 pm

      THAT IS MY IDEA OF HELL – BEING TRAPPED ON A BOAT WITH SALTINE OR WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT DISEASED WHORE’S NAME IS AND 100 ASPERGER 4E D&D PLAYING SOCIAL RETARDS. ALSO I SAW PIX OF SALTINE’S SNATCH UP CLOSE AND I THINK HER LABIA LIPS WERE ONCE A SCROTUM…
      SO HAVE FUN ON THE TRANNY CRUISE WITH SALTINE THE SHE-MALE, RETARDS!

    • Roger Moret permalink
      March 19, 2012 11:02 am

      Are tetanus shots included?

    • Let me tell you about my character permalink
      March 14, 2014 7:46 pm

      All rooms feature “impressive polished wood thoughout.”

  11. Roger Moret permalink
    March 19, 2012 11:01 am

    Poor fools, they are eagerly awaiting DimmerDump and when they get it and try to run it for their group, there will be outrage and rioting. “Six hours and we fought a kobold, a dog, and a one armed orc? I’mma gonna kill you!!!” “No, you don’t understand, the empty rooms full of dust are supposed to be an accurate statement about the emptiness and gloom of Dimmerdump!!!” Maybe someone will make a d100 chart of monsters and furniture to add to the plethora of empty rooms the good James M will drop on us.

  12. March 19, 2012 2:50 pm

    And in todays gaming news:

    http://grognardia.blogspot.com/2012/03/google-gaming-thoughts.html

    The most thrilling event of this last Fridays amazing, splendiferous, stupendous, epic Dwimmermount session? In MU with an INT of 12 stabs 3 orcs. The townies rejoice, and name their new savior “Orc Slayer.” Don’t look so dumbfounded. It’s not like he had a Friday night date he cancelled to play in The Man Behind The Curtains boring dungeon..

    http://loviatarzine.blogspot.com/2012/03/loviatar-no-9-progress-report-off-we-go.html

    Was going to describe this, but all you need to do is pop over to Loviator and read this short post to be put in a state of sheer underwhelmingness. Then come back here and tell us how you want to jump on the glorious Loviator band wagon!

    • JRT permalink
      March 19, 2012 9:16 pm

      Dust filled room – entered, was empty
      Dust filled room – entered, was empty
      Dust filled room – entered, was empty
      Dust filled room – entered, was empty
      Fungal room – did not enter (was empty anyway)
      Dust filled room – entered, was empty
      Dust filled room – entered, was empty
      Offal Room – did not enter (was empty anyway)
      Dust filled room – entered, was empty
      Dust filled room – entered, was empty
      YAWN.
      Oh wait, these rooms aren’t empty. The DM of DIMMERDOUCHE SUCK DUNGEON just STOPPED SHOWING THE FUCK UP SIX MONTHS AGO to tell us what was in them…

      And I see Suck Dungeon Posse’s favorite Zine Shitting Pussy Christian is referencing his last failed zine Ir-IDIOT in his new doomed to failure endeavor. The latest vaginal queefs in Loviatar sound like an unispired snooze fest too. And it figures that pussy whipped Nancy boy plays Vampire the FAGsquerade too.

      • JRT permalink
        March 20, 2012 7:10 pm

        Sorry. Not Vampire the FAGsquerade but Vampire the RectalQUEERium.

  13. Civilectomy permalink
    March 19, 2012 6:18 pm

    Hey guys, here’s my idea for a cruise on a fancy ship in arctic waters for a couple of weeks with civvies for background noise but with SPECIAL INTRIGUING INVITES for the following:

    Jeff Rients from Some Cool Creche
    James Maliszewski from $Scientology$ $Headquarters$
    Zak S. from Butt & Boob Sniffers on Tape
    YDIS from Ubiquesewer
    Scott from Huge Ruined Pile
    Saunatonntu from Dragonsfoot
    T. Foster from Laurel & Hardy & Knights & Knaves & Nancy Boys & Very Tough Boys Altogether

    and …

    _____ME_____

    and …

    Kojak
    Pembleton
    Agatha Christie
    Poirot
    Columbo
    Will Graham
    Porfiry

  14. JRT permalink
    March 19, 2012 9:27 pm

    LOL! ONE OF MY MANY MANY ALIASES GOT BOOTED FROM BIG PURPLE DILDO FOR TELLING 4E PLAYERS THAT 5E NEXT TURD DOESN’T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE 4E BECAUSE THEIR EDITION FAILED MISERABLY AND IS THE REASON WOTC IS ON THE TOILET TO PINCH OUT A NEW EDITION IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE!!!

  15. JRT permalink
    March 19, 2012 9:34 pm

    AND WHAT THE FUCK SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED SKIN DISEASE DOES ZAK PRINCESS AND THE FOUL DISGUSTING WHORE SALTINE HAVE EXACTLY ANYWAY?????

  16. Bob's Cunt permalink
    March 20, 2012 2:38 pm

    So, James got 441+ basement dwellers with neckbeards to suck him off? He’s ranking right up there with little Bobby on the number of retards who think he shits gold. I expect a feud between Jmal and Booy Kunt soon as Booby was actually molested by Gary and Jmal just masturbates to the thought…

    • JRT permalink
      March 20, 2012 7:12 pm

      In retrospect, I probably just should have picked a user name with the C-WORD in it from the start and then I could be saying it on YDIS with every single post.

  17. Timothy permalink
    March 20, 2012 7:59 pm

    Hey, was that the Brave Fagling floating a baby ruth in the church pool a few posts ago?

  18. John R permalink
    April 4, 2015 10:55 am

    Some of these comments are disgusting. I guess that’s why anonymous comments are a bad idea, wow. This adventure is $7.50 on DriveThru RPG, and I can tell just by looking at the preview its well worth that price.

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  1. Dwimmermount Review Roundup | Jeffro's Space Gaming Blog

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