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If you know this guy, please piss in his mother’s mouth for me

February 20, 2012

The Empire of the Petal Throne 230-page pdf was released today, and less than an hour later “Featured Reviewer” Erik from Tenkar’s Tavern had a review up. He gave it 5-stars, even though it’s obvious he hasn’t read it.

How the fuck does that work?

Our intrepid DriveThruRPG “Featured Reviewer” has 64 reviews listed. The breakdown is as follows: 5-stars [35], 4-stars [26], 3-stars [2], 2-stars [1]. I’m throwing out the 2-star review: it was his first ever review and it was posted at a time before he became active on the site. I’m also throwing out the 2 3-star reviews: they are both for products from Knightvision Games, which should be renamed Here’s-Some-Toilet-Paper-To-Wipe-Your-Ass-With Games. So it’s all 4’s and 5’s on Planet Tenkar, which is why he must be such a big hit at DriveThru.

Empire isn’t the first time he’s passed out a 5-star handjob to something he didn’t read. The Secret Fire gets a perfect score, even though “I’m still working my way through it.” Witch Hunter: Silver Wings gets a perfect score, despite the fact he does “not own a copy of the RPG rules.” How do you review an adventure if you don’t know the game? Oubliette #6: perfect score, despite his note “I’m going to have to read these [articles] closer later.” He admits several products get perfect scores because he was involved in their production, including Seal the Rift! and Knockspell #6. Thanks for being honest, I guess. Most of his reviews praise the hyperlinking, compliment the art, note how great it looks on his Kindle, and otherwise drop big hints that the products were never read.

Isn’t the minimum requirement for reviewing something to have actually read it? Doesn’t DriveThruRPG feel a little uncomfortable that their “Featured Reviewer” slobs 5-star knob on products that he doesn’t read? How fucking shamelessly desperate for attention — and free schwag — must you be to breathlessly hum cob without even taking a break to wipe the jizz from the previous review off your chin?

Also, did I read his blog correctly — is he responsible for these bed-shitting videos?

49 Comments leave one →
  1. Sykirobme permalink
    February 21, 2012 6:37 am

    And I thought RPGnet was bad enough, reviewing games based only on a read-through and not, you know, actually playing the god-damned thing.

    I’m not touching that bed-shitting link, but I’ll take your word for it…..

  2. JRT permalink
    February 21, 2012 6:50 am

    Just in case you don’t know how the review scam at ONE BULLSHIT OBS works:

    RPGNOW FEATURED “REVIEWERS” GET FREE SHIT* IN EXCHANGE FOR LEAVING “FIVE STARS! BUY THIS SHIT!” IN THE COMMENTS SECTION.

    *AND BY FREE SHIT I MEAN EVERY SINGLE NEW PDF RELEASE IS AVAILABLE TO THESE RETARDS FOR THE TAKING. YOU MIGHT AS WELL SKIP THE RPGNOT MIDDLEMAN AND HEAD RIGHT TO 7CHAN OR 4SHARED TO GET YOUR COPY.

  3. JRT permalink
    February 21, 2012 6:53 am

    And for you YDIS, consider his mother’s mouth already filled to the brim gurgling with my CRISP, SPRAKLING URINE!!!

    • JRT permalink
      February 21, 2012 6:58 am

      His mother, not your YDIS. The daily escapades of these social retards get me flustered.

  4. JRT permalink
    February 21, 2012 7:14 am

    Oooh! The new Marvel Superheroes RPG from Margaret Weis has been up less than two hours on RPGNOT and already has a FIVE FUCKING STAR REVIEW too!

    Margaret Weis – the woman who, with the help of Mormon cult member and 9/11 conspiracy theorist Tracy Hickman (WOTC D&D CAUSED 9/11!!!!), gave us gay ass kender and mentally retarded gully dwarves for our AD&D games, and now wants to pussify the X Men and the Avengers.

    • February 21, 2012 9:53 am

      She’s too late to pussify the Avengers; Brian Micheal “Bowel Movement” Bendis already did that.

    • JRT permalink
      February 22, 2012 8:20 am

      My Review:
      “I just downloaded my free complimentary copy of the new Marvel RPG from a Russian pr0n site. Don’t even bother doing the same, let alone think of paying for this giant turd. This is probably the worst, gayest super hero game ever conceived, and not just because it uses that shitty, uninspired suck ass Cortex system that all of Margaret Weis games use to dumb down an aleady dumbed down hobby. It’s written by a douchebag named Jack Norris, one of the biggest cocksucking turds at RPGNet, which is the biggest reason not to buy it. Jack Norris should be cleaning toilets with his tongue at a home for the mentally retarded, not writing games. Not even worth the time for a free download. FLUSH THIS TURD!!! ONE STAR!”

  5. February 21, 2012 3:34 pm

    Seeing as this guy is on a roll with 5 star or 5 gay boners or whatever reviews, I’m going to rush out my new outer space game “The Out of This World Anal Adventures of Lt. Burf Sandusky”. Hey, the rest of the OSR is deluded, so why not me? I’m already planning the novels (for a niche audience perhaps, but a lot of closet queers in gaming), and when they option the movie rights I’m going to demand the get that Dan Draper actor from Mad Men to play Burf. I’m going to have JaMal and Christian make appearances in the movie, played by that Sheldon actor from Big Bang Theory, and Christopher Mintz (McLovin’) respectivly. It’s still in early development, but I might include the wimpy little actor who plays the arrogant jew geek Howard on Bang Theory as Zak as well.

    • JRT permalink
      February 21, 2012 5:04 pm

      “arrogant jew geek Howard on Bang Theory as Zak”

      UH OH I THINK ! IS POAG…

      Jew hater Mel Gibson could play Poag, come to think of it.

  6. Chainsaw permalink
    February 21, 2012 8:12 pm

    I pretty much ignore reviews unless I know the reviewer, in which case I PM him to find out what he really thinks. Usually I only buy something if I know the author (and his work) or someone I trust makes a recommendation (i.e., not some jerkass on RPGcrap.com angling for Fame and Free Stuff). Once in a while I roll the dice on an unknown and am usually underwhelmed.

  7. Lamentations of Gygax's Ghost permalink
    February 22, 2012 7:30 pm

    I don’t trust many, if any, online reviewers these days since they all told me how AWESOME Death, Frost, Doom was and it was overall a boring module my players hated and I ended up apologizing to them for even running. Didn’t help that one mentioned it was The Lichway with all the fun taken out of the module. And, yes, everyone was groaning and making Evil Dead jokes during the cabin portion of the module. Lesson learned.

  8. Unclecarbuncle permalink
    February 22, 2012 8:35 pm

    HE SHUD REVIEW YOUR MOMS PuSSY TASTES FUCKFACE JRT FUCKOFF

    • JRT permalink
      February 23, 2012 8:58 am

      YOUR MOTHER’S MOUTH TASTES LIKE MY RANCID PISS AND MUSHY TURDS BITCH!

  9. JRT permalink
    February 24, 2012 1:05 pm

    EVERY TIME I GO TO RPGNET, I LEAVE WANTING TO KICK A SHE MALE TRANNY DEGENERATE IN THE TEETH! I’D KICK THEM IN THE JUNK, IF THEY STILL HAD THEIR JUNK. UNLESS ITS TAPED UNDER OR SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW HOW THOSE SICKOS DO IT. OH AND JAMAL WROTE ABOUT ZINES TODAY AND HAS A QUOTE FROM CHRISTIAN, OUR FAVORITE PUSSY WHO FAILS REPEATEDLY AT ZINES COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW WE MAKE FUN OF HIM IN BLOGS BUT CAN’T IN A ZINE SO THERE.

    http://grognardia.blogspot.com/2012/02/open-friday-zines.html

  10. JRT permalink
    February 24, 2012 1:12 pm

    I am also starting to get the feeling people on the Internet hate me more than they do SUCK DUNGEON. This hurts my feelings so maybe I’ll start a zine. My probelem is I care too much and still perhaps naively believe I CAN fix stupid!!!

    • Timothy permalink
      February 25, 2012 6:28 am

      How could anybody not love you, JRT? I am sure people are confusing you for that john r troy punk.

      • JRT permalink
        February 25, 2012 12:46 pm

        I sure hope not. All I wanted to do was JRT: Jizz on Raggi’s Turds. I am the real JRT accept no substitutes or failed zines.

    • Roger Moret permalink
      February 26, 2012 4:45 pm

      No way sir. That’s why the 3rd ex-wife and I sent the valentine brownies. We hate Kent much more than you!

      • JRT permalink
        February 28, 2012 7:57 pm

        Thank you sir. Kent’s mother likes me better than him too.

  11. Unclecarbuncle permalink
    February 24, 2012 2:32 pm

    FUCK OFF JRT START OWN BLOG NOBODIE READ JRT MOM hAS ADDAMSAPPLE GREEZY TWOT PUSSY SMELLS DED CARP FUCKFACE JRT FUCKOFF

  12. JRT permalink
    February 24, 2012 6:26 pm

    I found this lovely video of Uncle Carbuncle’s father dancing.

  13. Radovarl permalink
    February 28, 2012 2:13 pm

    Off-topic, but… The most famous game designer that never was (a game designer, that is) is back (www.lordofthegreendragons.blogspot.com) and is making about as much sense as he ever did. Seems a bit angrier; maybe it’s the manic phase.

  14. JRT permalink
    February 28, 2012 5:34 pm

    Did that long haired borderline hobo hippy pre-tranny freak who’s only claim to fame is picking up Gary Gygax’s dry cleaning just call someone a FUCKING LIBERAL? FUCK! Now I’m going to have to seriously consider voting for Obummer.

    • February 29, 2012 3:52 am

      Christ, how is it that I post one overtly political message every year or so and it explodes into a 100+ comment clusterfuck, yet here’s a supposed celebrity of the scene pushing Ron [Paul, Reagan] in multiple posts with hardly any reaction?

      • Radovarl permalink
        February 29, 2012 5:03 am

        “Supposed” is the operable term there, Jeff. You should take it as a compliment. Kuntz’s blog probably gets about 1/100th of the traffic yours does.

      • Timothy permalink
        February 29, 2012 7:10 am

        Radoval is right, Jeff. About seventeen people give a shit what Robbie has to say, even counting his brother/wife twice.

        Besides, you should know better in this day and age to have a well-thought-out opinion on politics!

        Also, please include more nudity on your blog.

    • hatdecoy permalink
      February 29, 2012 4:07 am

      Kuntz is remarkably incomprehensible when he lashes out:

      “Ah another liberal defending enforcing their ptrscription in the use of a viable word with variable context.

      Since I never offered it in the context you decry that I did, you are now righteously offended and must draw the sword of defense in support of your own ignorance?”

      What a retard.

      • February 29, 2012 6:24 am

        You left out the most confusing part:

        “And yes, I have two brothers, one who is challenged and my wife is handicapped.”

        Is he saying that he married one of his brothers?

      • JRT permalink
        February 29, 2012 9:02 am

        LOL! Cuntz gay incest married his retarded brother!

  15. Timothy permalink
    February 29, 2012 7:07 am

    More dumbfucks using strawman tactics to claim others are using strawman tactics.

    It is amusing watching all those sycnophants -Yggs, that Palmer faggot, etc. – preening for his flacid attention.

    Ron Paul? Jesus Fucking Christ. If he had been president during World War II, we would all be speaking German and/or Japanese now. And that is the fact, Cuntz – he admits it.

    Gotta say, though, it IS socially responsible of Cuntz to have married his retarded brother.

  16. February 29, 2012 8:34 am

    I resent that implication that I married myself.

  17. JRT permalink
    February 29, 2012 8:55 am

    If you think about it, Ron Paul is the perfect candidate for the Ancient Aliens, Everything’s a Conspiracy Theory, I hate my WASP mommy and daddy so now I’m a Wiccan Druid blowhards of the OSR Turdosphere. The Ron Paul Kool-Aid drinkers are convinced Paul could beat Obama in November if only “They” would stop rigging the primary results as Ron Paul clearly wins each time in their delusional minds. Truth is, Paul can’t even beat a Mormon RINO, an obese hypocrite douchebag (Gingrich) or Ayatollah Santorum, so how is he going to beat Obama. Get used to it my fellow Republicans – four more years of Obama.
    Personally, I’m in the 1% so I’m just in it so I don’t have to pay more taxes. And I’m against socialists giving out free sex changes to Alexass. Honestly, I could give a fuck if you want to have a sex change, gay marry your D&D books and give feats and skills an abortion for all I care. Just don’t raise my taxes to pay for it, that’s all I ask.

    • JRT permalink
      February 29, 2012 8:59 am

      And yes, A REPUBLICAN is saying Obama is the most qualified of all the candidates running for president this year, but that isn’t saying much. Being the retard at the special Olympics with the highest IQ of all the retards doesn’t change the fact you are still a retard.

    • February 29, 2012 9:23 am

      JRT, I’m afraid you are misinformed. UFO PHIL has the Ancient Aliens vote wrapped up tighter than a drum.

      • JRT permalink
        February 29, 2012 3:17 pm

        Even Flaming Fag UFO Phil has a better chance than Ron Paul. I really hope the Ron Paul supporters are going to mass suicide when their cult leader crash and burns. HEY KOOL-AID!

  18. February 29, 2012 11:42 am

    “UFO PHIL”

    That fag looks familiar. Wasn’t he one of Zaks freako friends who appeared on I Hit it with My Jizz a couple years ago? But I think he shaved off his fag-o moussed hair for this new gig.

    • JRT permalink
      February 29, 2012 3:24 pm

      That homo looks and sounds like a typical SOCIALIST LIBTARD PUSSY that posts in Tangency at the BIG PURPLE DILDO RPGNET…

  19. Lord of the Green Dickheads permalink
    February 29, 2012 11:56 am

    Your all a bunch of Liberal elite faggots. My words are viable, you’re context is immoral.

    In other words, fuck off, Liberal Elite Faggot Assholes!

    That is what Gary would tell me to say!

    Retards!

  20. Unclecarbuncle permalink
    February 29, 2012 1:26 pm

    DUMM FUCKS CARES ANYWAY TALK D D ASSFACES

  21. JRT permalink
    February 29, 2012 3:20 pm

    If the McCain campaign had only emphasized that those basement dwelling D&D players for Obama were playing 4e exclusively, he would have probably won in 2008. 4e IS FOR FAGS AND PUSSY MEN!

  22. JRT permalink
    February 29, 2012 3:26 pm

    Back on topic sort of – Rob Cuntz is still a METH HEAD COCK SUCKING TRANNY IN WAITING.

  23. Timothy permalink
    March 1, 2012 11:56 am

    Hey, what happened to auntie Kent? Drunk and getting cornholed in debtors’ prison?

    • JRT permalink
      March 1, 2012 12:45 pm

      “PLEASE GOV’NER, MAY I ‘AVE SOME MORE? REALLY JAM IT INTO MY ARSE AND LOOSEN ME STIFF UPPER LIP! OH YEAH FASTER AND HARDER! YEAH! SAFE AS ‘OUSES!” – Kent from his cell at Wankerpoofster Gaol.

  24. Roger Moret permalink
    March 1, 2012 7:59 pm

    One of our little buddies is moving on up in the world! I had to shed a tear at this, cause maybe this means our favorite artiste is too big for YDIS now??? We’ll be able to one day say we knew him before he became famous doing the illustrated version of “The Turner Diaries”!

    http://www.goodman-games.com/5070artpreviewpoag.html

    • JRT permalink
      March 2, 2012 4:48 pm

      THANK YOU JOSEPH GOODMAN (BTW DOES POAG KNOW YOU ARE A JEW? IF HE FINDS OUT ALL DEALS ARE OFF.) I LOOK FORWARD TO THE METICULOUSLY ILLUSTRATED SCENES OF ORCS EATING AND RAPING BABIES WHILE SHITTING AND EJACULATING JIZZ EVERYWHERE WHILE WEARING 1970s STRIPED BELL BOTTOMS AND SMILEY FACE SHIRTS.

  25. Bobby Cunt permalink
    March 3, 2012 1:08 pm

    Bobby Cunts is just still disturbed from the time he was told that being a game designer meant touching Gary’s Wand of Sodomy +3.

  26. Jack Colby permalink
    April 16, 2012 9:24 pm

    It’s always best to ignore the featured reviewers over there. Only read the other ones, from real people.

  27. Let me tell you about my character permalink
    March 14, 2014 7:09 pm

    I award SuckDungeon five stars. I read some of it.

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