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Ooooh a contest, a contest!!!

February 10, 2012

Cocktardia is having a caption contest, I want to play! Here are my entries, everyone else play along in the comments:

Burf Sandusky, Level 3 Priest of the Cosmic Catholic Church. Burf lurks in the plumbing at Star Base Shitstain — here he’s shown popping his head out of an astro-toilet in the boy’s changing room, hoping to catch a glimpse of some hairless cadet meat. Good luck Burf!

Swendy Hootcooch, Level 7 StarTard from planet Mongolo IV. Got those six pack rings stuck on her head as an infant. What accounts for the vacant-eyed stare, her rape by rampaging Poags or her INT3? Doesn’t matter — as long as she has her cheek-mounted cum deflector and hamburger wrapper cape, she’s one happy space princess!

26 Comments leave one →
  1. Timothy permalink
    February 10, 2012 10:09 am

    Turd Raggoff – He’s a janitor who doesn’t play by the rules. Subsidized by the Jupiterian Socialist Block, he still indulges in crowd -sourcing scams to avoid working for money. Helmetless-spacesuit has feces-extraction unit so he never has to remove it – but he wouldn’t anyway. Talks incessantly about violence against women, stick figure drawings is as far as it goes.

    Zakella Bitchella – metallic skin grafts to replace flesh lost to STD and ho-biting. Her porn career derailed, she moved to Planet Canada and began blogging about Space Cows. Longs for Lost Carblowsa. Invented frictionless dildo.

  2. Radovarl permalink
    February 10, 2012 10:34 am

    I can’t top those, but if you ever had a doubt that JMal’s living in his own little world where the middle ages never ended… I’ll share JMal’s latest sanctimonious pronouncement at K&KA:

    “I intensely disliked Ratatouille, which I found to be muddled and self-indulgent (not to mention self-congratulatory). And, I’ll be honest, I was more than a little shocked that a film marketed to children included bastardy as a pivotal plot point.”

    Yes indeed. Of all the things to get morally outraged about in the modern world, JMal chooses the depiction of “bastardy” in a cartoon.

    Too bad he’s moved to Canada. The Santorum campaign could really use a few more holier-than-thou medievalists as speech writers.

    • February 10, 2012 1:18 pm

      Thank you. That’s outstanding. He is critical of something for congratulating itself.

      Awesome.

      • Radovarl permalink
        February 10, 2012 4:36 pm

        I hadn’t looked at it quite that way, but yeah.

      • February 10, 2012 4:49 pm

        I like the bastardy thing too, but that’s old hat. There’s also a pre-marital kiss in that movie, must have been so wrenching to have to explain that to a 7-year-old.

      • Radovarl permalink
        February 10, 2012 6:50 pm

        Ah. I have better taste than to have viewed that movie in the first place, so I really have no idea. I personally don’t let my own children (of a similar age to JMal’s) watch Disney/Pixar films… but mostly because they suck and I don’t want to be bored to death. The new Looney Tunes, the new Thundercats, or Ben Ten, on the other hand, rock.

    • JRT permalink
      February 10, 2012 7:52 pm

      JaMal is a pseudointellectual blowhard cunt who likes to waft his farts and savor the aroma of his anal queefs.

  3. February 10, 2012 11:08 am

    “Zakella Bitchella – metallic skin grafts to replace flesh lost to STD and ho-biting. Her porn career derailed, she moved to Planet Canada and began blogging about Space Cows. Longs for Lost Carblowsa. Invented frictionless dildo”

    I thought after her minor “rough trade” bondage spit-in face cum swallowing porn career, and brief D&D geek fandom being in a video series about skanks and weird-hair fag dudes playing especially boring and lame games in a shitbox Little Armenia neighborhood apartment, she went on to host 10-dollar a pop games at a sleazy Hollywood comics book store and giving the occcasional 20 dollar BJ out by the dumpster?

    Oops, sorry. That’s Satine Pheonix.

  4. Chainsaw permalink
    February 10, 2012 2:02 pm

    Good luck, man. Got my fingers crossed for your entries, but not holding my breath.

  5. unclecarbuncle permalink
    February 10, 2012 2:12 pm

    JRTs MOM: ORC HORE 1HD 2HP MEAT CLEVER SWORD-1 HAS 5GP IN HER PANTYS FROM PROSTTUTE WORK AC8

    • dmvince permalink
      February 10, 2012 2:59 pm

      lol. ydis is getting trolled

      • Radovarl permalink
        February 10, 2012 4:39 pm

        I suppose even fleas have fleas. I don’t wanna know what kind of troll a troll’s trolls attract.

      • Radovarl permalink
        February 10, 2012 6:52 pm

        At least “Uncle Carbuncle” has a clever name. You’re…. DM Vince. Sounds a little like “Ronny the Helper”. Retard.

      • JRT permalink
        February 10, 2012 7:49 pm

        Uncle Carbuncle is at least mildly entertaining for a social retard. DM Vince however is way beyond the Assbergers social retarded. DM Vince is a Special Needs Downs Syndrome retard. I’m going to call him Blair’s Cousin Gerri from now on.

      • Timothy permalink
        February 13, 2012 11:57 am

        Dmvince sounds like a gay podcaster handle.

        Not that there are any non-gay podcaster handles.

  6. Roger Moret permalink
    February 10, 2012 8:07 pm

    Pog of the Wog: 5th level artist and demonologist. Pog enjoys drawing caricatures of humans and aliens passing through the OrcShit space station for food credits, but little known to others he has a dark side: his studio is filled with images of dead children and scat drawn on the walls with his own feces in his crude, primitive style. He also secretly has a swastika tattooed on his asshole.

    Asperger Alice: 6th level cartographer and assassin. Alice is known far and wide as for her propensity to always be right, trading insults with the other cross-dressers at the Spacetime Bar and Grill and angrily throwing a fit when talking to anyone smarter than her/him/it, which amounts to anyone passing through the space station with better than a 3rd grade education. Alice has been involved in a decades long project of drawing an exact map of the Earth circa the 21st century, which is silly since these maps have been long available to anyone with a stimcard implant and upload capability. Suggesting this earns the suggester an insult and a cocktail poisoned with Alice’s own jizz.

  7. JRT permalink
    February 13, 2012 2:17 pm

    HOW THE FUCK COME EVERY TURDNARDIA POST STARTS OUT “I NEVER PLAYED X…” OR “I NEVER CARED MUCH FOR Y” BUT JAMAL CAN STILL MANAGE TO PINCH OUT A SEAMING FECES LOAF OF 1000 OR MORE EMPTY WORDS ON THE SUBJECT ANYWAY?????

    • Radovarl permalink
      February 13, 2012 4:47 pm

      Because Jimmy M’s entire reason for existence (or raison d’etre, or whatever it is in Latin, which Jimmy would clearly use in preference to English to sound learned and important) is to write this blog until it gets him a paying job as a designer for an RPG company. Think of it as the world’s longest audition. I dare someone to send him an e-mail pretending to be some bigwig at WotC interested in interviewing him. It’s the same pipe dream half of these other blogtards are gunning for on a daily basis–recognition. The only difference between Alexis and Jimmy is that Jimmy (for all of his other manifold faults) is not an idiot; he just ran out of anything interesting or insightful to say about 5 months after March ’08. He’s still waiting for the love letter from D&D’s Product Line Design and Development Interactive Marketing and Enrichment of Play Department. Maybe it’ll be tomorrow. It is Valentine’s Day, after all.

  8. Timothy permalink
    February 14, 2012 10:15 am

    I know you don’t do requests, dungeon suk boy, but surely you have some thoughts on Grogturdia getting in bed with Adnoid Concubine Queer to beg for funding to release Dwimmercunt.

    • February 14, 2012 1:42 pm

      Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we trolled, or why we died. All that matters is that a few stood against a tide of inane bullshit. That’s what’s important! Valor pleases you, Crom… so grant me one request. Grant me that this Kickstarter fails! Have it fall short that we may laugh and caper amid the hot shame of our enemies. And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!

      • Sykirobme permalink
        February 14, 2012 2:00 pm

        I dunno, James has a long history of asking for handouts and getting them…

      • Crank Denser permalink
        February 15, 2012 7:53 am

        I can’t believe the Aspergers, Cornholers, Kweens guys have gone on to shill their Players Companion via Krapstarter. Please send Crom their way for this travesty of a mockery of a sham.

  9. Reid permalink
    February 14, 2012 11:47 pm

    http://jasoomiandreams.blogspot.com/2012/02/last-seven-months

    Do you think Jamal will want this pot bellied, Texas goobers now-free Mars game that nobody bought anyway? He’s claiming he discussed the marketing of it with an attorney. The delusions of the OSRtards is amazing. This is a typical Grogturdia follower. Sad and funny at the same time.

  10. Radovarl permalink
    February 19, 2012 12:01 pm

    St. Jimmy blogged today about how you, too, can include fragments of the True Cross in your D&D campaign…. Next thing you know, he’ll be selling indulgences. This guy is a throwback to the 14th century.

    • JRT permalink
      February 20, 2012 12:57 pm

      Maybe he just likes the hot priest-on-boy action?

  11. JRT permalink
    February 20, 2012 12:43 pm

    Anyone know a douchebag named Professor Cirno from their online travels? Professor Cirno is one of the worst pieces of feces on the Internet. He deserves to see his loved ones raped and killed before he himself is raped and killed. Or given cancer of the asshole or something.

    That is all.

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