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Two Castles 2012 Award Nominees

February 9, 2012

What species of demon shat this abomination onto an innocent world? Seriously, this looks like something a prisoner makes from a bar of soap and Kool-Aid powder and then hides in his butthole.

The world’s most fucked-up trophy is once again up for grabs, here are your nominees:

Anomalous Subsurface Environment. 87 page megadungeon product, and the megadungeon doesn’t start until p.41 — Houston, we have a problem. The first 40 pages are devoted to the campaign world and nearby city/base of operations, both of which are completely uninteresting. Worse, a sizable portion of this crap content is given over to a bunch of random tables that are A) more jokey than usable, and B) poorly formatted with abundant wasted space. The dungeon itself is *okay*, nothing groundbreaking but capably-designed. The whole is waaaay too gonzo — would have much preferred more Algol and less Cinder. I mean, Cornstalk Warriors and ‘Dober’-Men? Fuuuuuuuuck. Would have also preferred no world-building and an extra level or two of megadungeon.

Realms of Crawling Chaos. I wanted to like this one, but it’s such a boring, tedious fucking drag that I get angry thinking about it. Dan Proctor is at it again with the cut ‘n’ paste routine, basically all he’s done is collate a bunch of Mythos content with nothing of his own to add. How he could write this and be incapable of mustering the dim spark required to add a Ghoul character class is beyond me. This book is also a hard lesson in Michael Curtis’ obvious limitations — his contribution is a handful of d100 lists, and the 2 seconds it takes to roll the dice is about how memorable any of it is. Stonehell and Dungeon Alphabet were cleverly structured but devoid of interesting content — this isn’t even cleverly structured.

Tome of Adventure Design. I hadn’t even heard of this one… I wish I still hadn’t. It’s 300+ pages of random tables. The book costs $42, which is outrageous. The pdf costs $21, which should be punishable by lynching. This book should be burned.

Stars Without Number. I can’t get too mad at this one, the pdf is free. But it doesn’t fit into this group. 2 Castles bills itself as a non-denominational rpg design award, but it’s obviously got its dick squarely in the OSR’s ass. Stars bills itself as old school, but other than abilities, AC, and hp it’s way outside the box. It’s got shitloads of skills and WFRP-style careers and a bunch of other shit that has no place here. The factions rules are dope as hell, that chapter’s a keeper.

ASE will win in a landslide. Stars gets booted because it’s not fantasy, Realms is dumped because they don’t want to give another award to Curtis, Tome is ignored because they don’t want to give another award to a book of random tables. How is it Loviatar is not nominated?

39 Comments leave one →
  1. G-Man permalink
    February 9, 2012 12:20 am

    Stars Without Number stands up very well in actual play and is in a different league to the other stuff here. It won’t win though, which is tragic.

    To UK gamers WFRP sits firmly in the old school camp as it’s what most of us grew up playing and SWN’s similarities to it are A Good Thing. WFRP and RQ both outsold 0e/1e in the UK in the early 80s. It plays much like you would imagine an early 80s SFRPG would, if Games Workshop had published one back when they gave a damn.

    • February 11, 2012 11:55 pm

      So it’s what Dark Heresy/Rogue Trader/Deathwatch should have been (rather than the glossy, fussy, over-mechanical pile that Fantasy Flight put out?)

  2. Timothy permalink
    February 9, 2012 10:42 am

    Hey, if you are being provided with free shit to review, please disclose that info.

    They all sound crappy, and therefore deserving of that putrid award pile. A forty page megadungeon, eh? Did that guy paper-doll a bunch of one-page dungeons together and call it a megadungeon, or what?

  3. JRT permalink
    February 9, 2012 1:57 pm

    I won’t praise SWN here then lest I contaminate it with my YDIS taint and doom its chances of winning. Oh fuck, too late. Oh well, here goes: Stars Without Number TOWERS above the other feces nominated for that stupid, lame ass cocksucking award. The other nominees are merely cut and paste feces flung on a page by the same tired old OSR retards we all know and hate. I won’t even dignify the anal leakage of douchebags like Proctor and Curtis by calling their retroturds “competition” for SWN in any way, shape or form. Jesus motherfucking Christ anything that Michael Curtis writes is like listening to an autistic child babble on and on repetitively, and far less interesting or entertaining. SWN should win, but it won’t, because the award is nothing but “by Asbergers social retards for Asbergers social retards”. And Michael Curtis is the Asberger King of Asbergers.

    Fucking retards.

  4. JRT permalink
    February 9, 2012 2:04 pm

    AND WHY ARE THERE THREE CASTLES ON AN AWARD CALLED TWO CASTLES??? The Stars Without Numbers guy should be screaming at the top of his lungs like Captain Picard in that Cardassian prison camp torture chamber: THERE. ARE. FOUR. LIGHTS!!!!!!!!!! THERE. ARE. THREE. CASTLES!!!!!!

    • Radovarl permalink
      February 9, 2012 2:41 pm

      Um, it’s called the “Three Castles Award”, actually. It shouldn’t be, because Kuntz’s El Raja Key never made it off of his illegibly scribbled notebooks into any kind of published form. And if it had it probably would’ve sucked. But I guess when you’re the closest living link to the Great God Gygax, people make allowances.

      The crux of the issue is that this is yet another self-aggrandizing vanity project by that lackwit Dougie R. If ever there was an individual who had more dollars with less sense, I don’t know about it. The historical fatbeards eat it up, though. Who wouldn’t want to take an all-expenses paid trip to beautiful northern Texas once a year, to be slobbered on by hero-worshiping geektards? Oh, yeah, me.

      And yes, that award looks like something my 5-year-old could turn out in Kindergarten art class.

      • JRT permalink
        February 9, 2012 4:26 pm

        Ah, now it all makes prefect nonsensical sense. Cuntz the no show, 3-1=2. Well, it ain’t pretty, but that award would make a nice double ended dildo for Alexass and JaMal to share.

        What I want to know is how the fuck has Rob Cuntz made a career of not producing? What a shit hole licker.

      • Rob Cuntz permalink
        February 9, 2012 4:39 pm

        Rob Kuntz is famous for what he might someday maybe do. Either that or picking up Gary’s dry cleaning or some shit.

  5. unclecarbuncle permalink
    February 9, 2012 4:28 pm

    THE FUKING CASTLES LOOK LIKE FUCKING COCKKS IF YOU ARE READING THIS SHIT YU ARE A FUCKING COCK FUCK

    • JRT permalink
      February 9, 2012 4:34 pm

      Are you retarded? What the fuck? BTW your precious 4e suck edition is STILL CANCELLED and still EPIC FAIL!

  6. unclecarbuncle permalink
    February 9, 2012 4:41 pm

    NTCON GAMEROM SMELLS LIKE DIM KASKIDS FUCKIN FARTS AFTER DAY2 FUCKOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

    • February 9, 2012 5:21 pm

      Mistress of Doom? Is that you?

      • Roger Moret permalink
        February 9, 2012 8:43 pm

        Yeh, I miss her/him/it also, more when I’m sober.

  7. dmvince permalink
    February 9, 2012 6:01 pm

    Why don’t you guys grow up? Noone listens to you anyways or cares losers

    • JRT permalink
      February 9, 2012 6:47 pm

      Then why the fuck are YOU here fuck face? GO GIVE ROB KUNTZ A RUSTY TROMBONE YOU WILL BOTH LOVE THAT SHIT! GET YOUR TONGUE UP HIS BUNG HOLE REAL GOOD WHILE YOU PULL HIS MEAT!

  8. dmvince permalink
    February 9, 2012 7:27 pm

    Least i’m not dumb like you. You probably can’t wait for 5e to come out so you can play it in your mom’s basement. You people need to get a life

    • JRT permalink
      February 9, 2012 8:22 pm

      Fuck you cum gobbler. Wipe the jizz from your gay ass face fool!

  9. Roger Moret permalink
    February 9, 2012 8:37 pm

    This sucks! I cannot believe Alexisass’s latest gaming creation hasn’t been nominated! The absolute genius of that man, ignored again…what’s that you say? He’s never actually PRODUCED anything except an overwrought map of planet earth broken down into hexes??? Well Damn. In that case, my vote goes to that fucked up piece-it-together monster book Pog was supposed to publish like 2 years ago. Hope he will win next year’s award but reading “See Spot Shit” to the kiddies in the school reading program may be taking up too much of his time!!!

    • Roger Moret permalink
      February 9, 2012 9:02 pm

      Oh NO! Hold On! I want to change my vote to that Ragi Ragu module with the big piece of shit on the cover with chunks of corn and hair sticking out! I never read it but with a cover like that it has to be the winnah!

      • February 10, 2012 7:28 am

        Monolith isn’t out yet, but YOU can sponsor it and even get your name in the credits!

      • Radovarl permalink
        February 10, 2012 8:59 am

        The Finnish government funding must have finally run out. Maybe someone there actually picked up a copy of a Lamentations product, read it, and said the Finnish equivalent of “WTF!?”

  10. Reid permalink
    February 9, 2012 10:39 pm

    How about an award for the return of the OSR’s shittiest blog? This wackhole Al Bundy look-alike, who mostly seems to be into posting pics of himself on horses or with guns, farted out snooze worthy posts until last summer that consisted mostly of long ERB qoutes. He also seems to think of himself as a game designer. It is the epitome of a dorky Grognard vanity blog, with a healthy dose of underachievement added for that true queef whiff of failure.

    http://jasoomiandreams.blogspot.com/

    It returns not with a huzzah, but with the sound of a long, dry and squeeky fart, concluded with a sudden and sickening ploppy squelch sound. Welcome back, Kotter.

    • JRT permalink
      February 10, 2012 8:24 am

      WHO THE FUCK LIKES NUDE PORN MADE IN POSER WHEN YOU CAN GET ACTUAL PICTURES OF REAL PEOPLE FUCKING AND SHOWING OFF THEIR TITS FOR FREE ON THE INTERWEB????? Only HOMOS who don’t want to see a real woman naked like Poser. He’s desperately trying to convince someone he’s a heterosexual isn’t he? Then he really shouldn’t post those pictures of himself going FULL COWGIRL…

      • unclecarbuncle permalink
        February 10, 2012 9:14 am

        FUCKK U JRT U TRY ToO FUCK HARD TOo BE FUNNNY YOU GOATBERD FUCKFACE GO SNiFF DIM KASKIDS FARTT BONGWATER FUCK OFFFFF

      • JRT permalink
        February 10, 2012 10:18 am

        WHEN I FIND YOU I AM GOING TO RAPE YOU WITH A RUSTY CHAINSAW IN YOUR CORN HOLE MANGINA BITCH! I’M GOING TO BREAK YOUR JAW AND USE YOUR GAPING MOUTH AS MY URINAL!

  11. unclecarbuncle permalink
    February 10, 2012 11:05 am

    JRT PUSSSY. TROLL FUCK JRT MOM NAZZI ORC SKANK HORE BITCH CUM ON HEAFD SKEET SKEET MOD BAN jRT PUSSY FACE TROLL LICK CUM OF JRT ORC MOMMS FUCK HEAD FUCKK OFFFFFFFFF JRT

    • dmvince permalink
      February 10, 2012 11:29 am

      I’m going to have to agree with unclecarbuncle(I think). JRT is trolling and should be banned by the mod. He does nothing but insult people here

      • Timothy permalink
        February 10, 2012 11:35 am

        Welcome to YDIS, faggots.

      • February 10, 2012 11:40 am

        Are you a foreigner? JRT’s freedom to troll is guaranteed by the Constitution. Although he’s used the “rusty chainsaw” and “gaping mouth” bits previously, at least he’s intelligible.

      • JRT permalink
        February 10, 2012 7:53 pm

        Shut the fuck up you retarded cunt.

      • JRT permalink
        February 10, 2012 7:54 pm

        Perdustin’s right – I gotta get some new material.

  12. unclecarbuncle permalink
    February 10, 2012 12:03 pm

    TIMOTHY NODLLE DICK JRT CAN FUCK OFF TO GO PLAY IN TRAFFIC FUCKFASE PUSY FUCKOFFFFFFFFF

  13. February 10, 2012 2:54 pm

    It returns not with a huzzah, but with the sound of a long, dry and squeeky fart, concluded with a sudden and sickening ploppy squelch sound. Welcome back, Kotter-*

    Wow, that blog is the drizzling shits. He just posts long Burroughs text and uses the same photos of himself again and again. And it’s been around forever without making so much as a shit kernel of impact. Looking back, the guy really seems to want people to know he 1) rides horses, and 2) wrote a game no matter if anybody wants it or not. It’s similar to Christians “I’m a gamer, but I want to make sure you to know I surf and I cook so I’m not a total tool”

    That these fuckwads find anybody interested in what they have to say is an indictment against the gaming community at large. So much fucking drek out there.

  14. February 10, 2012 10:13 pm

    Jeri Jyrax here. If you haven’t noticed, I changed my name. All J’s now. Anyhew, I will be at the Awarding Ceremony for these wonderful games y’all are discussing. (I’ll be the 6’3″ 230 lbs. she-creature.) If you don’t see me at the ceremony, be sure to enroll yerselves in my Ruinqwist session. Ta. Ta.

    • Radovarl permalink
      February 11, 2012 9:42 am

      Well, that at least narrows it down to Jennell Jaquays or “Timeshadows” (the “World of Unpronounceable” creator).

  15. February 11, 2012 6:08 am

    Hey dmvince, why in the fuck did you get that faggoty ass AncientGamer to host that RFI show. First of all, that fuck-stain has a lisp! Why did you think a lisp was a good idea for a radio host? Second, he is just a fucking prick! Every time someone disagrees with that lispy bastard he has to whip out his fucking gaming resume. Congratu-fucking-lations that he played D&D during the Carter administration. I am glad you got rid of that fucking annoying DM Julie, but DM ex-fucking GIJoe needs to fucking go. At least get someone to read all of his bullshit on the show so we don’t have to listen to Sylvester the fucking cat!

  16. JRT permalink
    February 11, 2012 2:24 pm

    DM Vince is really Oobla Dee Obbla Da Life Goes On Corky.. Hey Corky! Don’t you know it is illegal for retards to use the Internet?

    • February 11, 2012 3:07 pm

      Yeah, that fucker can throw one of the best baby fits whenever shit doesn’t go his way. His comebacks are fucking lame to. They are in line with, “I know you are but what am I?” That is probably why he has Sylvester (sufferin succotash) the fucking marine on his RFI show. That fucking show went to shit as soon as Jayson discovered girls and had to trade in his radio show to finger bang her. I like SOD better, but if I have to hear about Mike not having time to do shows because of “grading papers”, I’ll probably go fucking insane!

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