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You Too Can Be a Part of the $150 Million Gary Gygax Biopic!

August 13, 2011

My secret OSR email-tapping program is finally bearing fruit.  Reader Timothy pointed out the ludicrous prospect of a $150 million Gary Gygax movie.  I did a little digging to see how this Strayton turd got his hooks into Gail.  Turns out it was shockingly easy — one email was all it took to con a lonely widow:


Dear Madam Gail:

To begin it is with strictest confidence that I implore you to remand the portion of this letter pertaining to certain business of an opportune nature that we may conduct. My faith is placed in you to regard this communication as ‘TOP SECRET’.

My current employment is in the title of Executive Regent of the HOLLYWOOD SONY FILMS COMPANY of DISNEY, where my duties include making movies of stars that may include the following:

  • Leonardo DeCapprio
  • Wes Snipes
  • Steve Speilburg
  • Tom Cruise
  • Darth Vadar
  • Dolly Partin
  • and many more……!

My position is one of implicit expertise with regard the creation of invaluable intellectual properties and fantasy MEGAHITS. You have of course heard of WARRIOR PRINCESS XENA and it is my great pride to reveal my complicence in the creation of the aforementioned. Also DRAGONLANCE…… need I say more?

It is now my pride (with secret authorization) to reveal to you that I have access to funds totaling USD$150MILLION for the making of a film/biography picture of your spouse Gary GYGAX. This sum is in all ways legitimate and may not be refunded by any manner. These funds (in form of cash, gold bullion, and securities) are currently remanded to the 1st Bank of Nigeria (branch: Lagos), where they are on delay (a temproary hold, only) due to local political distresses of a felony nature. Such is the nature of tumult in Nigeria that even a Regent of HOLLYWOOD may encounter difficulty in solo access of entitled funds.

USD$150MILLION dollars is a lot of money and trust may be questioned. Fear not. For further efforts of confidence and to prove once and for all that no man may breach my expertise, I may direct you to witnessTHE SECRET OF FIRE, the roleplay game (RG) I have single-handedly created by virtue of superior understanding of all things contained in the aspirations of your spouse, including a superior method of character rewards, graph paper maps, players sitting at a table, 3d6 and etc…

This is simple, I will like you to provide immediately your full names and address so that the necessary documents and affidavits may be prepared to begin production of a USD$150MILLION American movie of your spouse Gray GYGAX, starring Jonny Depp + Will Smith and Jackie Chan.  A bank Account in any part of the world which you will provide will then facilitate the transfer of this money to you as the budget beneficiary.  The money ($150 million) will be paid into your Account for us to share in the ration of  60% for me and 40% for you, minus negligible fees for currency transfer (less than $150,000USD).

The risk to you is not any as the paper work for this transaction will be done by a CERTIFIED Nigerian Attorney/Notary/Check Casher and my position as the HOLLYWOOD Regent guarantees the successful execution of this transaction.  If you are interested, please reply immediately via Email address. Upon your response, I shall then provide you with more details and relevant documents that will help you understand the transaction. Please include your full banking details for expedited care.

Please observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us because I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country, and also advice to hire a director, producer, and craft services. Awaiting your urgent reply through Email

Yours Faithfully,

George Strayton

XENA Writer



Regent of HOLLYWOOD, Esq.


Please Gail, STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER!  (And George let me know if this turns into anything – I’ll give you Arneson’s widow’s email if you agree to go halfsies with me.)

28 Comments leave one →
  1. Chainsaw permalink
    August 13, 2011 4:00 am

    Holy crap, I wonder if this guy knows Christ Morgan III, my long lost brother from Nigeria? Poor Christ had $10 million to return to me (our family’s lost fortune), but needed me to wire him $10,000 so that he could access it for us.

  2. Roger Moret permalink
    August 13, 2011 9:56 am

    Ha, ha, Christ Morgan only charged me $5k, and I should be seeing my 10 million dollars any day now (damnation, it’s been a week now, I need to call him at his private number, 555-BLOW).

    • Chainsaw permalink
      August 13, 2011 11:10 am

      At least you got a number, Roger. He said he would send me contact information once I wired him the money, but I have not heard back yet. He’s probably just jammed up at work or something.

      • Roger Moret permalink
        August 13, 2011 6:48 pm

        Those Nigerian guys are super duper busy Chainsaw. For instance they aren’t answering their phones now for some reason.

  3. Timothy permalink
    August 13, 2011 11:32 am


    I would love to see Jackie Chan play Gygax.

    • Roger Moret permalink
      August 13, 2011 6:50 pm

      Timothy I hear it’s Will Smith playing EGG and his son playing Ernie with his bald wife Pinkie Jada playing Luke.

      • Radovarl permalink
        August 14, 2011 4:43 am

        And most importantly (and creatively!) of all, Cher as Robert J. Kuntz.

      • Sykirobme permalink
        August 15, 2011 10:13 am

        Nah, RJK should be played by the “leave Britney alone” guy.

      • Radovarl permalink
        August 15, 2011 3:48 pm

        I stand corrected.

  4. The Crippler permalink
    August 15, 2011 5:44 am

    See, this is creative magic! This is what I would love to see more of here.

    • August 15, 2011 1:39 pm

      Gah! Magic? Like the magic papa smurf used to give you in the tool shed when you were were a kid?

      It takes a real powerful imagination to find “magic” in rehashing email scams and fantasizing about James Earl Jones playing GG. Look at any Justin Beeeeber forum to find all kinds of “creative magic”.

      • Roger Moret permalink
        August 15, 2011 4:58 pm

        Look at the closet case admitting he checks out the Justin Beiber forum! and to think I caught hell for lusting over Emma “Shes 21, time for a nude scene” Watson.

  5. JRT permalink
    August 15, 2011 10:34 pm

    Screw Gail “Yoko Ono” Gygax – she will get what she deserves – ripped off and left high and dry by George Strayton! At least until Luke Gygax comes home from the war and takes him out Rambo style. Now that would be a movie I would watch!

    BTW, Cuntz was at it again:

    • Timothy permalink
      August 16, 2011 5:55 am

      Wow, that guy just can’t stop blowing himself. And none of us poor slobs can appreciate his ultra-creativeness.

      Funny how we were duped all these years into buying shit from TSR, which caused his departure for such deep philosophical reasons, and now he wants us to buy his shitty Machine Level.

      Man doesn’t even understand himself, he is so creative.

    • Radovarl permalink
      August 16, 2011 6:00 am

      Ah, ya beat me to it. I’m constantly amazed by the Cuntbobber’s oblivious and incoherent (not as bad in this case, possibly due to editing) ramblings. Despite zero sole-author RPG credits to his name before the onset of the nostalgia-driven appetite for “Big Name” products developed (CU stuff doesn’t count, being self-published…), he persists in the delusion that he is some sort of underappreciated creative genius. I find myself feeling sorry for him occasionally, but then he (again) starts spouting his garbled insights in pidgin-High Gygaxian, misusing thrice as many $0.20 middle school vocab words as EGG ever did, and I return to my default opinion, which can be expressed most succinctly by the sentiment, “Stop whining, you pathetic twit.”

      • Radovarl permalink
        August 16, 2011 10:37 am

        Quote from the new “Q&A” over at hillcantons:

        “Everything is good in the end. I could have gone down the path of interjecting further complications and their results when applied to any creative field of endeavor thereafter (or to life’s challenges, as we are aware that both sides of the brain work in conjunction with the other), or how that relates to the “depopulation” of imaginative thought overall. That’s part of the matter included in some essays I’ve written for my Blog and for an upcoming volume i hope to finish soon enough.”

        I need to look up “aphasia” on Wikipedia. I assume that the sufferer does not in all cases realize that he has the disorder? In other words, What The Fuck?

    • Nihilist permalink
      August 16, 2011 1:02 pm

      What’s really hilarious is the pompous, self-congratulating twits at Knights n Knaves, including King Pompous Masturbators Jamie Mal and T. Foster, calling the Cuntz kettle black

      • Radovarl permalink
        August 16, 2011 1:46 pm

        Much as I dislike JMal’s self-important droning at times, at least he has actually done some RPG work that was good enough to be published by SOMEONE ELSE. All Kuntz has done is half-write WG4 (notice the byline includes “and Gary Gygax”, which means Rob had a couple of neat ideas he was too feckless to actually put into a usable form, and Gary helped him out), and then self-publish a bunch of incomprehensible crap. No idea who Foster is, but his comments on K&KA jibe with my own sentiments, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

      • Nihilist permalink
        August 16, 2011 2:46 pm

        Oh c’mon, you very well know who he is, o’ kisser of ass.

      • Radovarl permalink
        August 16, 2011 3:59 pm

        Actually, I really don’t. But it depends whose ass.

    • Sykirobme permalink
      August 16, 2011 1:29 pm

      The best part of the interview for me: “I spent many years mastering different writing forms….”

      Yeah, he’s “mastered” the written word.

      This is also choice: ” Publishing what I write is not high on my list in every case, anyway, even if such matter twinkles with supposed gold. People might be perplexed by this attitude, though some artists might grasp the notion…”

      Yep, that’s the dodge that everyone who’s gotten multiple form letters rejecting their work uses. Then they graduate high school and grow up.

    • NUNYA permalink
      September 10, 2011 2:36 pm

      WAHT A KUNTZ!!

  6. Timothy permalink
    August 16, 2011 11:00 am

    Hey, guys, little Lexi has found validation! Now we’ll get thrice the preening!

    • Nihilist permalink
      August 16, 2011 1:31 pm

      Missed that. With Alexis throwing his hat in there with Jamie Mal, Forster and Cuntz it’s likely watching a Blowhard King of the Mountain game. I’m gonna sitback here with this bowl of popcorn.

  7. JRT permalink
    August 16, 2011 3:44 pm

    Is Alexis one of those transsexuals over at Big Purple Dildo that insist on bringing up they are transsexuals, even in innocuous threads about playing elves? Because that’s what I’m imagining.

  8. zarathustra permalink
    August 16, 2011 7:19 pm

    Yeesh, Kuntz is such a special snowflake; he notices the cracks in the sidewalk whilst the hoi polloi walk by them in their ignorant droves. What a tool.

  9. August 18, 2011 1:54 pm

    That is a lot of money

  10. JCH permalink
    November 27, 2011 4:22 pm


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