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I Hope You Drown in a Septic Tank, and then God Tells You He Hates You Because I’m Absolutely Certain He Does

June 7, 2011

Here’s what happens when fucking disgusting feces-encrusted vultures who have been fucked in their shitgrin mouths thirty or fifty times with gonorrhea dicks until their taints split open and spill out pissfume-soaked Nazi memorabilia, this is what happens when you allow people like this to interact with polite society – they bandwagon on other people’s ideas and vomit out useless shit that has absofuckinglutelynothing to do with the IP and just try to rip people off with an insane markup on shitty, unremarkable, worthless fucking shitty dice.

Those aren’t normal dice… they’re Carcosa dice!  Yes, they look normal and roll normal… but they’re special Carcosa dice, because Brave Halfling says they are!  Why not release some Bible dice while you’re at it, you fucking worthless cunts.

I still don’t know what happened at John Adams’ church, if a priest buttfucked a nun or the altar boys got bukkake’d or the new head pastor was caught playing RPGs, but this is such a low-down rotten punkbitch way to turn a buck.  And very appropriate it comes from Cameron DuBoners, who unleashed a Carcosa module on the world that was so terrible & retarded and blind to the themes & spirit of the material that even J.Mal had to hold his nose and turn away from the reeking stench of ass it exuded.  Shit like this is what gives Raggi delusions of grandeur.

Why even get involved with this crap, John?  Is that what happened at the church?  Someone found out you’re vending products for an RPG that describes child rape & murder?  If this is going to be your participation in Carcosa, don’t do it – why force yourself to hide in the closet, have DuBoner’s module sales even filled your gas tank?  These faggy dice aren’t even going to buy you a ‘Left Behind’ paperback.  Stop trying to turn a buck off Carcosa, just get the fuck away from it.


28 Comments leave one →
  1. Timothy permalink
    June 7, 2011 11:12 am

    Wow, a 10 sided dice that goes to 12! And no problematic odd numbers! How did those shitheads do it!?!

    Taking it up the ass in Carcosa for God – Delving Deeper! I bet he could get a pastor’s job anywhere!

  2. Rutherford de Balzac permalink
    June 7, 2011 1:49 pm

    First of all, sir, may I commend you on the sheer poetic wonder of this particular invective-filled post? I’ve never seen so much vulgar goodness crammed into just a few paragraphs. An amazing feat! Anyway, looks like a bunch of 21st level virgins are getting all sticky in the pants about 10 sided dice. Wow. Sadder than sad.

  3. June 7, 2011 3:34 pm

    “but they’re special Carcosa dice, because Brave Halfling says they are!”

    No, they’re special Carcosa dice because under those rules sometimes you need to figure out if you’re going to roll a d4, d6, d8, d10 or d12 for your hit dice or damage dice. I don’t really buy the mechanic but if I did I could see the utility of this special die.

    • June 7, 2011 4:37 pm

      And do these pieces of shit make that task easier & more intuitive, or less? Honest opinion dude, not “I’ll say the thing that makes everyone like me and think I’m all cuddly & adorable.”

      • June 8, 2011 3:19 am

        I really do think the die would make the task easier and more intuitive, but I wouldn’t use it if I ever ran Carcosa. Because the overall effect is one of the dumber die mechanics I’ve ever seen. Rolling a die to find out what die to roll is inherently ridiculous. And not in a good way. I can get on board with McKinney’s design goal of putting more uncertainty into combat, but there have got to be twenty better ways to do it. The die mechanics are the weakest part of Carcosa and I’m pretty sure I said as much on my blog when I first got my copy.

        And I won’t pre-judge the fact that some Delving Deeper supplement will use this die. Let’s actually see the mechanic before we break out the torches and pitchforks, m’kay? Besides, I can’t get worked up about some hucksters trying to sell a few gimmicky dice to folks, as the next logical step in that progression is to play D&D with six siders only. I would miss the other stupid dice.

      • June 8, 2011 6:44 am

        The pitchforks come out first thing because the apes involved have been previously caught brown-handed flinging poo and making an unwholesome spectacle of themselves. It is impossible to read ‘Obregon’s Dishonor’ without coming out feeling less enthused about RPGs in general and Carcosa in particular. The air of breathless enthusiasm at their own boundless inventiveness in the Delving Dumber blog is uniquely absurd.

        Please use your connections to find out what happened at Adams’ church. My money is on him getting outed playing Satan’s games.

    • June 7, 2011 6:01 pm

      And now the truth comes out that this is really for some stupid supplement for Delving Dumber for which they pilfer die randomization.

  4. Radovarl permalink
    June 7, 2011 6:39 pm

    Wow. Just wow.

    I’m guessing we’re all going to look back on this in 5 years when D&D is truly dead, and just shake our heads.

    • Nunya permalink
      June 7, 2011 7:11 pm

      @Radovarl – hasn’t anybody told you the news?

      D&D is dead!!!
      Long Live S&W!!!


  5. Radovarl permalink
    June 8, 2011 5:54 am

    I’ve seen S&W. You’re right, D&D is dead.

  6. June 8, 2011 6:43 am

    You guys can declare anything you want, all I know is that I recently got to play 2 sessions of AD&D only because the DM was able to download OSRIC instead of putting together a set of old books. I need one more set of D&D rules like I need another hole in my head, but there is a legit audience for this stuff. And that audience ain’t us cranky fatbeards who already own all the books.

    • June 8, 2011 6:50 am

      Re: Beers

      As long as it’s not Coors and doesn’t have a slice of fruit in it you’re on the right track. And you gotta pound some of ’em to get the right effect, no more of this pinkie-lifting contemplative ‘I’m cweating my vocabwuwary’ shit.

  7. June 8, 2011 7:04 am

    Thanks for the advice. I’ll have to cop to trying a Blue Moon with a slice of orange. After I started drinking it I wondered if the whole concept was bogus. I don’t drink gin unless it’s good enough without the lime and I don’t put ketchup on a steak. The steak is either good enough to eat or not. Ketchup isn’t going to change that.

    The thing about the vocabularly is that I read the reviews on and wonder if I’m doing it wrong. They write “hints of juniper and citruss, with a smooth dry finish” when I want to write “tastes like they replaced the hops with donkey shit”. Is it my inexperience? Lack of good descriptive terms? Are they completely off their rockers? I dunno. Even if it is overanalyzing one of life’s simple pleasures, I sure wouldn’t mind being able to explain why I like a particular beer.

    • Radovarl permalink
      June 8, 2011 11:18 am

      Ketchup on steak? What part of West Virginia do you hail from, exactly?

      • June 8, 2011 12:35 pm

        You’ve never been at a restaraunt and seen some numbskull at nearby table ketchuping his steak? I admit I don’t always go to the toniest of joints, but my world seems full of this sort of nonsense.

  8. Timothy permalink
    June 8, 2011 9:21 am

    “Let’s actually see the mechanic before we break out the torches and pitchforks, m’kay?”


    I always assumed you were older than 14.

  9. otto permalink
    June 8, 2011 3:01 pm

    Fuck you Timothy. Fuck you. No one gives Jeff Rients shit. No one.

    • June 8, 2011 4:28 pm

      It’s OK, dude. I walked into the lion’s den.

    • Timothy permalink
      June 9, 2011 6:28 am

      Relax, kid, just playing around. That was hardly giving him shit. Or is this your first time on the internet?

      Hey at least Rients noticed you, so your life can move forward now.

      • otto permalink
        June 9, 2011 11:20 am

        I think my esteem for Jeff makes a hundred times more sense than your asinine parroting of YDIS.
        Really, of all the people, you, with your breathless eager chorusing, your pathetic need to feel a part of the bad boys cuss circle,are in no position to sling accusations of cronyism.

      • Timothy permalink
        June 9, 2011 11:58 am

        I didn’t cuss up there, did I , boy?

        But if it makes you happy…

        No, Otto. Fuck YOU.

        Considering how mild my teasing Rients was over a silly word he used, your apoplectic hatred toward me is telling.

        But please feel free to point out some of my “breathless chorusing” and “asnine parroting” – I guess it was beside all that cussing I did.


  10. faserfag permalink
    June 8, 2011 8:42 pm

    This post is dumber than most of your “bum fixation” rants; and you used to give us sooo much troll/idiot amusement…

    There is an actual use for the die(!) that forgoes looking shit up on the Carcosa chart. If you can’t see it as a nifty way to expedite a game you are totally clueless. Why don’t you go play 4E already and shut-up!

    • June 8, 2011 10:05 pm

      You can’t remember five equally probable outcomes on a d10 in your head? You need a fucking chart for that? Why don’t you go play Chutes & Ladders and STFU.

  11. faserfag permalink
    June 8, 2011 10:37 pm

    Only if you promise you will never again use a d4 and divide every die roll by four, just to spite me, forever hereafter. Good luck with that, poop-lover.

  12. Roger Moret permalink
    June 9, 2011 3:22 pm

    Cmon, even Geoffrey thinks these dice are cool, they allow him to roll on his special “Child Rape and Kill” tables with greater ease and excitement.

  13. Tedankhamen permalink
    June 12, 2011 11:50 pm

    Man, I could read discussions like this every day.

    • Roger Moret permalink
      June 13, 2011 7:52 am

      Me too I have to check in every few days between philosophy classes at college….

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