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So that Ten-Thousand Trees Might Make Their Save vs. Death Ray…

February 23, 2010

Jimmaaaay! still has that bomb-ass Finnish taxpayer money pouring in, and he’s determined to waste every last shekel!  This thing is insane out of control, and Jimmy is going to lose all of his money and waste everyone’s time in the process.  Usually I’m not big on providing constructive criticism, but in an effort to turn over a new leaf, let’s take a closer look at this shitpile and see what we can do to prune it down into something useful:

Contents:

A Tutorial Booklet – This should be a five-page preamble to the Ref’s Booklet, and cut the solo shit – if anyone wants to play D&D by themselves, go play fucking WoW or something.

A Rules Booklet – Pointless and counterproductive.  The introductory notes affirm that the wheel need not be re-invented, and then this booklet does just that.  Cut n’ paste time-wasting.  The differences between this and nearly a dozen other D&D originals, clones, and retro-clones can be summed up in a couple dozen pages of house rules.  Quit acting all important, like you’re delivering something precious and new – it’s the same ol’ shit.

A Magic Booklet – Wasteful.  Of the spells, 90% are identical to shit we’ve seen for 35 years, 9% have minor differences that amount to little more than house rules, and 1% are shoutouts to his artists.  Spell list in the Ref’s Booklet is all you need.

A Referee Booklet – And… done!  Wasn’t that easy?  Introduction to terms/tutorial, house rules (including spell differences/new spells), setting shit to make things all weird and metal I guess, treasure/magic/monster/adventure builder, reading guide, and some graph paper to photocopy.  Done.

A Beginner’s Dungeon Module  & A Beginner’s Wilderness Module – Combine these.  A 10×10 hex keyed wilderness sandbox, with details (including maps) for one three-level dungeon, a castle, a tower, a town, and a half-dozen lairs.  That should provide plenty of inspiration for people to flesh the details (including maps) for the remaining 90 encounters.  Even better, blog those 90 encounters at a rate of two per week – free support material will help you keep customers.

A set of diceThese things are worthless.  Little tiny hobbit dice that will choke to death the cats and children that end up eating them.  Unnecessary, lose ’em.

Graph and hex paper – Anything more than two photocopy-able pages at the back of the ref’s booklet is a waste.  People who you think will need more than that will already have reams of it, or will use a software mapping program.

A pencil – C’mon, serious?  A faggy little golf pencil, just for completeness sake?  “Hey, you can play this bitch out of the box… here’s the little taint tickler to prove it!”  Does anyone really need a pencil?  How many people actually have pencil sharpeners, to make the little guy last more than one character sheet?  99 people out of 100 will lose it or throw it away, and the other one will just stick it in his ass (I’m looking at you, D&D Porno guy).   Ditch the fucking pencil.

A reading guide (LotFP’s version of Appendix N) – This is a separate piece?  No, cut the crap, just have this be a page in the referee booklet.

Perfect for beginners!

Design Goals:

Beginner’s RPG – Shit’s been done to death, homes.  You have nothing new to say on the topic.  “A HIT POINT is not a measure of physical ability to withstand damage, but an abstraction… BLAH BLAH BLAH”, yeah we know, fumbledick.

Traditional Rules Servicing a Unique Setting – Setting book, bitch.  If the rules are traditional, that means everybody already has them, so use them.  House rule your encumbrance rules, for Christ’s sake.

Compatible with All that is OSR – Setting book, bitch.  All this crap is identical already, don’t kill a bunch of trees because you want to call a Thief a “Specialist”.  Just house rule it in a couple paragraphs.

There you go, you’re welcome.  I just cut the price of your product by two-thirds or more, and increased your sales by a thousand percent.  Take that extra money and go buy yourself a beer, you friggin’ teetotaler.

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