This kinda horseshit drives me nuts…
So, numbnuts over here calls itself a game reviewer in its blog header, but plays coy when it comes time to call out the dogs. Basically this shithead is saying “Hey guess what! I got a rancid, stinking load of curdled hobo semen blasted in my mouth for free, because I don’t have to pay for material. Yuck! But I’m not going to tell you what the fuck it is, so you’ll end up paying to have this rancid, stinking load of curdled hobo semen blasted in your mouth, and it’s really hard to avoid because it looks very professional and enticing. Sucks for you, but I don’t want to dam my flow of free goodies with an honest review. Oh well!”
If you’re not willing to provide the community the service of writing a bad review when it’s merited, don’t fucking call yourself a reviewer. All this douche does is crap out one review hand-job after another, including for Chuggy Cumdumpster’s unrelenting stream of abysmal piss, which is free anyway so I hardly see the point.
Good lord this just makes me goddamn crazy, what a motherfucking hobbit-dicked POS.
WOTC’s 1e reprint announcement killed K&KA
Wandered over to get their take on it, lo and behold it broked they fuckin’ mind!
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!
Sorry guys OSRIC is worthless, but thank you for your diligent cut ‘n’ pasting work. When 5e is announced as OGL, OSRIC officially turns into a 400 page doorstop. Now let’s get an official OD&D reprint like the Frazetta version and really put a ranseur through the balls of the OSR.
Up In Smoke + I Will Be Buying LotFap Carcosa
Remember Jewel Throne? Of course you don’t, it was damn near a year ago that it was announced. Unfortunately, Blair is a big ol’ pot smoking wastoid and he probably rolled the submissions up into a fattie and straight blazed those motherfuckers. I hereby declare JT dead, and I also declare that blog dead because now it’s filled will some tl;dr campaign crap that makes my eyes glaze over trying to read. Where did the lusty Algolian hijinks go? Who knows.
Yes, I will be buying the new Carcosa. Just doing it to support Geoff, who lives in the middle of nowhere and rants about the federal government so he needs all the help he can get. Probably he’ll use the money to build a fertilizer bomb and blow up a post office, but he’s earned it in my book and if that’s what he wants to do, fuckin’ go for it, bro.
But I can’t imagine ever pulling this thing out and using it. J4 is all proud of himself that he’s filling the pdf full of hyperlinks and easy navigation shortcuts but when you supersize the page count from 96 pages to 288, you have to do something. I can pick up my Carcosa book and know instantly where to turn whenever I need something, but 288 pages is a fucking unwieldy special needs child that demands a padded helmet and sleeping restraints. Crowing about curing a problem that you created? I award you no points and may God gnaw your balls off. Also it looks horrendous. Kent called the redone cover a paw print, but it looks more like dook-smear on a wad of tp. The interior art is a bunch of wack-ass bullshit too, including the poorly-done map redraft.
But I’m drawing the line at Isle of the Unwanted, I can only support Geoffy’s Ayn Rand lifestyle for so long.
REVIEW: The Cursed Chateau, by James Maliszewski
I think this happens somewhere in this adventure...
Apparently Dwimmermount will soon be inflicted upon an innocent world, which makes now the perfect time to examine one of James Maliszewski’s prior efforts. Thinking of taking the plunge into the wildly-creative imagination of the preeminent voice of the OSR? Perhaps The Cursed Chateau can provide a glimpse of what to expect…
Layout: Contemptible. Page count is 49, a cynical ruse that pretends to deliver value beyond the $4 cover price. Margins are criminally vast, consuming a full third of each page — the text blocks are almost comically tiny, hidden amid vast frontiers of glaring whitespace.
Art: Wretched. The cover shows a staircase… not the most compelling call to adventure. Erol Otus contributes what appears to be an unfinished piece on page 24. Can anyone explain the artist’s intent on page 31? The illustration on page 20 fails in every way possible. The 3-year-old responsible for the drawing on page 22 should be encouraged to play sports.
Maps: Childish. Thank cartographer Robert Conley for an autism-inspired level of detail that is cluttered and ridiculous. Style recalls hotel fire escape graphics, but with a bizarre and unwelcome attention to detail that sees fit to render every last carpet stain, stray bone, tiny patch of rubbish, and broken 2×4. Messy, unattractive, and unnecessary. Also printer unfriendly, with massive black borders and a pointlessly precise depiction of the grass outside the chateau — have additional ink cartridges close at hand should you desire a hardcopy.
Content: Tiresome. Common spells are disallowed to ensure the precisely-laid railroad tracks are not disturbed. Roster of opponents is age-old and presented without significant variation: the most common types of undead comprise 90% of the encounters in The Cursed Chateau. Maliszewski’s bursts of creativity are uniformly familiar: an underground cult of frog-like demon-worshipers, an iron maiden that comes alive, a demon with red skin, horns, and bat wings. Can ghasts accurately be included in the ‘New Monsters’ section? Such dull, reheated efforts fit comfortably into a movement that views cloned rules material as new and exciting.
Writing is poor and rife with hazards of clumsy sentence construction (“Lord Jourdain used the frogs as guardians for some of his treasures, which can be found submerged in the small lake inside a locked chest.”) and humorously inept prose (“Demonic frogs’ red eyes flicker with demonic intelligence and they can speak the language of demons.”).
Additional Gripe: Level 1 is numbered 1-13, numbering begins again from 1 for each of Level 2 and the Caverns. This is confusing and silly for a product so small, simply number the areas 1-40 and be done with it.
Rating: 0 feces-smeared Poag ogre dicks (out of a potential 5 feces-smeared Poag ogre dicks).
Adventuring Parties, LLC
Holy shit, I should have guessed. One of the rocket scientists behind this bachelor party horseshit is DM Yax, the creator of the god-awful abortion that was DungeonMastering. I think Yax bailed from DungeonMastering after I exposed them for hiring content writers on Freelancer.com (that’s right, two self-ref links in a single blog, fuck yeah) but apparently he’s back scheming any half-baked scam possible to squeeze a penny from a d20… everything except coming up with appealing material.
You’d think that if you were asking clients to pay for your services you could at least come up with some original material but it’s obvious that’s not part of Yax’s skill profile, nor that of his proteges. What do these dickwads charge for the pleasure of running commercial material? $400 for a 3-hour sesh. Four-frackin’-hundy to read from a pdf and play with little lead army men.
Chew on that fucking shit, homies.
The Hangover 3
Otherwise known as the world’s shittiest idea for a bachelor party. Unless your idea is to throw a shitty bachelor party, in which case it’s fucking brill.
Attention Ungentle Readers
Any of you clowns work for Fox? If so, you’d be doing me a favor if you could get the legal team over there to issue a DMCA notice to this ass-sniffer. You’d be doing me a real solid, I’ll give you a reach-around or some roadhead or something, thx!
Also, before you all start inundating my comments — yes I saw the Cow of D&D video, and yes it’s hilarious for all the right reasons. He already deleted a completely innocuous comment from underdarkgazette guy, so he’s a little sensitive — this is his personal Beaver Hunt moment, after all. But don’t be deterred, go ahead and show ol’ BitchTitties some love!
Grognardia Is Pissed at Jeff Rients
Eagle-eyed Duglas points out in the comments of this Tugjobia post that Jeff Rients’ blog has disappeared from James’ Links of Interest section. James ignores the question but pops back in for some compelling jack ‘o lantern gossip, so it seems likely the charge is true. Rients posted a few months ago that he got a poopy-face email from a fellow blogger who was angry that Jeff linked here in his blogroll — could James be that Oscar Grouch, now grinding his ax in the silliest way possible?
James, better get out your black sharpie — your links need more attention. Cyclopeatron also links here. Not sure about any of the others, but there have to be a couple more in there…
Burn It to the Ground
ChicagoWiz is splitting the scene and he’s torn about how to make his exit. My advice? Burn that shit down, bro.
It’s what you want to do, but you’re having trouble pulling the trigger. Don’t get caught up in what everyone else wants. They come at you with smiles and hugs and fraternal sentiments, but really what it amounts to is that everyone’s mad and greedy and they don’t want something taken away that they think belongs to them. But it doesn’t belong to them and you don’t owe them anything so it’s your call to make. It seems pretty obvious you’re ready to press the big red button, so I say go for it and laugh while you do it.
Warm your hands by the flames, toast marshmallows, get freaky with P-Dub in the romantic firelight. Don’t leave behind some half-ass corpse with a eulogy tacked onto it, for the vultures to pick at. The people who actually valued the things on your blog have already taken what they need, and everyone else — fuck ‘em, they missed the party.
